sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father warningly. "There are twelve of us."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A bit of Britain

Click here for the Fun

And my favourite:

Carabinieri (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Рассказал один итальянский друг

paradiso: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici sono tedeschi;
2. i vigili sono inglese;
3. i cuochi sono francesi;
4. gli amanti italiani;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli svizzeri.


Inferno: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici francesi;
2. i vigili tedeschi;
3. i cuochi inglese;
4. gli amanti svizeri;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli italiani.

Перевод

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
17) Give it to me baby..................... . . . Suk Mai Dong
18) Who's been eating all the pies?.............. . Yo Fat Wan Ka
19) England will win the World Cup........ . . . . No Fu Kin Wai

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

(c) Max Brooks, from The Zombie Survival Guide

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A Southern editor wished to compliment Confederate General Pillow and wrote a notice in which the general was referred to as “battle-scarred hero.” Due to a typographical flub the phrase was printed as “battle-scared hero.” The irate soldier demanded a correction, to which the editor agreed. The next day’s paper spoke of the general as a “bottle-scarred hero.” It is not believed any further correction was requested.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and A-- holes". Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem!!!!

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and A-- holes". Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."