Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Der Oberrabiner von Jerusalem ist auf Dienstreise in England. An einem Morgen wacht er sehr früh auf. Es ist Jom-Kippur - der höchste jüdische Feiertag, an dem außer Beten und Fasten alles verboten ist. Er tritt auf den Balkon seines Hotels und blickt direkt auf den Golfplatz. Er denkt sich: „So früh am Morgen wird mich keiner entdecken!“
Er holt also seine Golfausrüstung und geht zum Abschlag des ersten Lochs.
Oben im Himmel sagt Petrus zu Gott: „Siehst Du, was der Oberrabbiner von Jerusalem am Jom-Kippur macht? Willst Du ihn dafür nicht bestrafen?“
Gott nickt. Der Oberrabiner schlägt ab und trifft das Loch mit dem ersten Schlag: ein 'Hole-in-one' - das allergrößte und allerseltenste Ereignis für einen Golfer.
Petrus: „Das verstehe ich nicht - Du wolltest ihn doch bestrafen?!“
Gott: „Das habe ich doch! Denn wem kann er das jetzt erzählen?“

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This is the Bank of America, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.

Bank: Why?

Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?

Customer: (gives account number)

Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?

Customer: No.

Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are.

Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers. You are targeting that audience and want their business. Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?

Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.

Customer: Why not?

Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when calling in on the Spanish line.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора "In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." -- Jay Leno, American comedian who is best known as the current host of NBC television's variety and talk program The Tonight Show.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and...it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!!

Make sure you type in "Kiss" too, but do it last.

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Mami, Mami, keiner in der Schule mag mich. Die Lehrer nicht und
die Schüler auch nicht.

- Kind, nimm dich zusammen. Du bist schließlich der Schuldirektor.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Ein Schweizer liegt im Krankenhaus, alle möglichen Knochen gebrochen. Sein Nachbar fragt ihn: Wie haben Sie denn das gemacht?
Schwizer: Jo, i bin Bärenjäger.
Nachbar: Und ...was ist passiert?
Schwizer: I staand a einer klainen Höhle und sagte: Huchu Bärli. Jo un da kam ein kleiner Bär heraus, den habe ich laufen lassen! Dann bin i zu aner mittelgroßen Höhle: Huchu Bärli, da kam a mittelgroßer Bär, aber immer noch zu klein! Dann bin i zu aner großen Höhle: Huchu Bärli ...
Nachbar: ...und dann?
Schwizer: Dann kam der Alpen-Express ...

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir. . .Really".
The teacher. . .in a huff. . .said. . ."Alright young man. . .march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair. . .turned to his sister and said. . . "Come on, Chicken Shit. . . .he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A farmer walked into a Lawyers office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Lawyer asked: "May I help you?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah I want one of them Dayvorces."
The Lawyer said: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, got about 140 acres."
The Lawyer said: "No you don't understand. . . do you have a Case?"
The Farmer said: "No, I don't got a Case, but I got a John Deere!"
The Lawyer said: "No! You don't understand, I mean do you have a Grudge?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Grudge . . . that's where I park my John Deere."
The Lawyer said: "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The Lawyer said: "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No Sir, we both get up about 6:30."
The Lawyer then said: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I wan the Dayvorce."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора This basic vocabulary guide to our language down here is offered as a gesture of our hospitality to visiting Northerners who truly want to be able to understand what it is that we're saying.

Ah - The pronoun "I." i.e., "Ah done did that."

Ah'd - Contraction of I would. i.e., "Ah'd ruther be out huntin'."

Ah'll - Contraction of I will. i.e., "Think Ah'll mosey on down to the lake fer sum fishin."

More Fun

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
***

A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank. She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side..."

Espectro (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away...
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a deadline hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed
something wrong
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
Аnd I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay...

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Zeiten sind das! Da wechselt ein van Gogh für zehn Millionen und ein Rubens für sieben Millionen den Besitzer.

- Ja, ja. Sie haben Recht, auf diese Weise machen sich die Fußballclubs selbst kaputt!

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. it's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. More Fun

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 10 young programmers began to work online, One didn't pay for Internet, and then there were 9.
9 young programmers used copies that they made, But one was caught by FBI, and then there were 8
8 young programmers discussed about heaven, One said "It's Windows 95!", and then there were 7.
7 young programmers found bugs they want to fix, But one was fixed by the bug, and then there were 6
6 young programmers were testing the hard drive, One got the string "Format complete", and then there were 5.
5 young programmers were running the FrontDoor, The BBS of one was hacked, and then there were 4.
4 young programmers worked using only C, One said some good about Pascal, and then there were 3.
3 young programmers didn't know what to do, One tried to call the on-line help, and then there were 2.
2 young programmers were testing what they done, One got a virus in his brain, and then there was 1.
1 young programmer was mighty as a hero, But tried to speak with user, and then there were 0.
Boss cried:"Oh, where is the program we must have?!" And fired one programmer, and then there were FF.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the U.S.:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." More Fun

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Thanx Herzwerk and the rest for your congrats! Keep being here, I love ye all!

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" More Fun

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

stranger_forever (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear  them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual  debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

more

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped from a helicopter.

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Hello, are you there ?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ?????? I'll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name's Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What.....

stranger_forever (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

Получила сегодня партийное задание составить брошюрку по Правильной Замене Колеса у а/м на двух языках. Чтобы не париться, стырила материал из инета.  И поняла, что так хорошо нам не жить никогда.

Русская версия: "на всякий случай.. перед тем, как начать замену колеса, закройте на замки все двери и багажник автомобиля"

Материал с буржуйского сайта: "You may want to open the hood to indicate to other drivers that you are stopped for repairs."

 а вот еще: "Make sure everyone is out of the car before jacking it up."

.. Мало ли что;)

Белый_Лич (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора In the immigration office:
- Name ?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex ?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no... male or female ?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

пушистая_ведьмочка (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора the more we study, the more we know.
the more we know, the more we forget.
the more we forget, the less we know.
the less we know, the less we forget.
the less we forget, the more we know.
so why study?

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Joe was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Donna with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Donna replied, "Thank you, dear!"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора An old Confederate walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he served Yankees. When the bartender answered “Yes”, the Confederate said, “Okay, bring a beer for me and two Yankees for my crocodile here.”

Argentum_Steel (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
RATED (?)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. On the first day he didn’t see any results. On the second day he saw a few changes. On the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Mississippi. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see any results, the second day he didn't see any results either, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.