stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Can you name at least half of them?

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Дело было в Анталии (Турция). Приятным летним вечером девушка, приехавшая отдыхать на берег теплого моря, решила ознакомиться с городом и вышла вечерком прогуляться одна. Надо при этом заметить, что девушка перед поездкой изучала английский. Не буду утверждать, что она вышла в город также с целью найти себе собеседника и потренировать свой иностранный, однако...

К девушке подошел молодой человек и завязалась беседа: привет-привет, какой приятный вечер... И вот, парень спрашивает девушку: "Что Вы делаете в этом районе города в такое время суток?". Девушка, не долго задумываясь над вопросом, отвечает, что... В общем, после ее ответа молодой человек меняется в лице и наспех попрощавшись, растворяется во мраке ночи.

Девушка, совершенно обескураженная, стоит и не может понять что произошло! Ведь она всего-навсего сказала, что прогуливается (walking) по улицам... Однако, мысли вскоре приходят в порядок и она с ужасом понимает, что слово walking произнесла... в общем, это прозвучало, как "I'm working..."

История умалчивает, что же было в полной фразе (я гуляю/работаю на этой улице или что-либо подобное еще), но этот пример ясно показывает, что нужно четко различать звучание и уметь правильно произносить все слова, чтобы не попадать в неприятные истории.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learnt about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is celebrated for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone else a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride and says, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him!"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Dinner: Get reservations early, at least a month in advance or longer. If you cannot get reservations, start scrambling to find restaurants that do not have reservations and do offer call-ahead seating. Call ahead on 15 minute increments starting 2 hours before you want to go. If you are with your "Valentine", you may need to slip out of the room to do this to keep the destination secret.

Once you are there, take a restroom break, find the waiter, and hand him enough cash to cover whatever you might purchase, plus a great tip - this will cost you more, but when the waiter says "thank you for dining with us Mr. so-and-so" and doesnt give you the bill at the end of the evening, it will be very impressive.

Dancing: Not a Club. Dear God, don't go to a club. There is nothing less romantic. Rent a nicer car than yours with a decent sound system, get a CD of old Frank Sinatra romantic songs, and pull off somewhere scenic and just dance together.

Presents: Everyone gets chocolate and roses, except your Valentine! Get. Something. Else. Sure, a chocolate or two and a rose should accompany the evening, but the primary money should be spent on something else. And not just lingerie. That is for you. Not her. Get recommendations from the florist.

Cards: Do get her a card. I know guys don't exactly care about the card, but she does. Even if she says she doesn't, she does. And even if she really doesn't, she will wonder why you didn't if you don't. Confusing? Just get the card.

Poetry: Write your own, even if it sucks. She knows you can't write. She knows that you will probably use a crayon to scribble it out to the beat of some 80's hair band ballad, but hey, its you. Rhyming is not important, in fact it is kind of cheesy. When you don't rhyme, it sounds more sincere. Really.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
---------------------------


In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
Читать далее...

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Приветсвую всех новых гостей сообщесва! Пипл, не знаете, где скачать Хроники Амбера на инглише?

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Ready for your vocabulary test?"
"Urhrrh."
"Good. What is the meaning of 'pining'?"
"Hrrh?"
"Pining. What is the meaning of pining?"
There is a minute of silence.
"All right, how about I give you a sentence? That might help. 'The widow sat by the window, pining for her dead husband.' Now what's the meaning of 'pining'?"
"Urr... waiting!"
"What? No!"
"Urr... looking!"
"Oh for God's sake! I don't know what you believe, but let me tell you now: the dead do not walk!"

http://stupidstudents.livejournal.com/ - really cool journal.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Jesse Dorris, an inmate in the Lincoln County (Neb.) Jail, demanded to be removed from his cell because, he said, his cell mate, Brian Bruggeman, 38, had "bad gas." Jailers moved him to another cell but, at the next meal, Bruggeman cut in line to be by Dorris so he could fart on him. Dorris hit Bruggeman, who was serving 90 days for violating a protective order. County deputies were called in to investigate, and "smelled a liar but quickly sniffed out who was guilty," a spokesman said. "It was an air tight case." Bruggeman has been charged with assault on a confined person -- a felony punishable by up to 5 years in state prison. Dorris was not charged. (North Platte Bulletin) ...We all know guys like Bruggeman, and no one will be surprised if he ends up in the gas chamber.

Copyright http://www.thisistrue.com

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Subject: Computer Hard and SoftwareDear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.


ответ на письмо в комменте :)

Serpensortia (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Ученики моей подруги выдали short form for: "No, of course not"
Attention! No, of coursn't

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Welcome to Тьма_Ню and пушистая_ведьмочка! :)

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Приветствую Ollka! Welcome!

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes the cows and puts them in a barn with everyone one elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows but the government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as current regulations allow.
CONTINUED

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Хочу поприветсвовать всех новых ПЧ и поздравить всех с Новым годом! Спасибо, что вы есть!

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Студентка сегодня выдала: I like hitch-hiking...by plane. Сразу вспомнилась реклама - А потом я выпил фанты - и тормознул ;)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

Шатци (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора — Allow (алло)
— Pre–wet sir gay (привет Сергей)
— Star over tall lick (здорова Толик)
— Cock dealer? (как дела)
— At leech now! Attic cock? (отлично, а ты как)
— Normal no. (нормально)
— Show ass? (что у вас)
— Dove vote, pass to pill knock on its (да вот, поступил наконец )
— Tatty show? Molly talk (да ты что? молоток)
— Aha, boo doubt shit so tip year. At tee show? (ага, буду учиться теперь. а ты что?)
— Mash inner coop ill (машину купил)
— Cocker you? (какую?)
— Bear am were. (бээмвэ)
— Class. More jet packer tie am see? (класс. может покатаемся?)
— Hot sea what now (хоть сегодня)
— Dove eye (давай)
— Cheese so cheer is tree? (часа через три)
— Hooray show (хорошо)
— What key skull cow bright? (водки сколько брать?)
— Cock a bitch now. Yes chick. (как обычно.ящик)
— Aha, yeah beer you. (ага,я беру)
— Are bob? (а баб?)
— Some more so boy. Tall cow bob tee is she. (само собой.только баб ты ищи)
— Dog over ill is (договорились)
— Poor cow (пока)
— Dove stretch ear(до встречи)

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора ICQ log with a brit (Real one :)
======================================

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:28:37
BTW do you know what a "chav" mean?

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:28:55
yup

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:06
not on wikipedia yet :) you should add it

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:32
yup - I know what a chav is

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:37
what's your guess?

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:42
I was watching the standup comedian the other day, who were performing
in UK. He used the word many times, and people did seem to understand it.
But it's not in the MW :)

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:51
well,my guess was pretty simple

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:29:57
Since he was referring to the 3 UK reporters as a 'chavs'
- and the next minute called them 'whores' and 'cunts' -
I believe it's kinda offensive, isn't it?

Him: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:36:22
a chav is like an uneducated person who drinks a lot and
gets into trouble - usually teenagers or in 20's who
booze it, might have bikes, and are generally loud and
offensive and appear uneducated (but may not be uneducated,
in which case, read: 'city wankers')

Me: Fri Dec 22 2006 22:37:38
Oh, I was wrong then. I thought it indeed is kind of a "whore"
- but it surely isn't. OK, thanks for the explanation.

Настроение сейчас - above normal
В колонках играет - Van Halen "Panama"

paranoid (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора For those out here who dig "the big Lebowski"...

http://www.dudeism.com/

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора RATED!!! Image 164 KB

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Image 103 KB

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:

"English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора :-) Image 79 946 bytes

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess
with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from
all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Белая_Мышь (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Урок. Специальность - переводческое дело. Английский язык.
Студент машет руками, и бурно рассказывает что-то по теме "Экология". У него не хватает слов. Но он пытается.
По ходу рассказа ему надо сказать "окружающая среда". Вы думаете, он сказал банальное "environment"?
Нет, он сказал изумительное "surrounding wednesday".