sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Tom had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir", replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father warningly. "There are twelve of us."

Carabinieri (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Рассказал один итальянский друг

paradiso: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici sono tedeschi;
2. i vigili sono inglese;
3. i cuochi sono francesi;
4. gli amanti italiani;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli svizzeri.


Inferno: luogo in cui:

1. i meccanici francesi;
2. i vigili tedeschi;
3. i cuochi inglese;
4. gli amanti svizeri;
5. е tutti sono organizatti dagli italiani.

Перевод

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and A-- holes". Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and A-- holes". Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Der Oberrabiner von Jerusalem ist auf Dienstreise in England. An einem Morgen wacht er sehr früh auf. Es ist Jom-Kippur - der höchste jüdische Feiertag, an dem außer Beten und Fasten alles verboten ist. Er tritt auf den Balkon seines Hotels und blickt direkt auf den Golfplatz. Er denkt sich: „So früh am Morgen wird mich keiner entdecken!“
Er holt also seine Golfausrüstung und geht zum Abschlag des ersten Lochs.
Oben im Himmel sagt Petrus zu Gott: „Siehst Du, was der Oberrabbiner von Jerusalem am Jom-Kippur macht? Willst Du ihn dafür nicht bestrafen?“
Gott nickt. Der Oberrabiner schlägt ab und trifft das Loch mit dem ersten Schlag: ein 'Hole-in-one' - das allergrößte und allerseltenste Ereignis für einen Golfer.
Petrus: „Das verstehe ich nicht - Du wolltest ihn doch bestrafen?!“
Gott: „Das habe ich doch! Denn wem kann er das jetzt erzählen?“

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Mami, Mami, keiner in der Schule mag mich. Die Lehrer nicht und
die Schüler auch nicht.

- Kind, nimm dich zusammen. Du bist schließlich der Schuldirektor.

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Ein Schweizer liegt im Krankenhaus, alle möglichen Knochen gebrochen. Sein Nachbar fragt ihn: Wie haben Sie denn das gemacht?
Schwizer: Jo, i bin Bärenjäger.
Nachbar: Und ...was ist passiert?
Schwizer: I staand a einer klainen Höhle und sagte: Huchu Bärli. Jo un da kam ein kleiner Bär heraus, den habe ich laufen lassen! Dann bin i zu aner mittelgroßen Höhle: Huchu Bärli, da kam a mittelgroßer Bär, aber immer noch zu klein! Dann bin i zu aner großen Höhle: Huchu Bärli ...
Nachbar: ...und dann?
Schwizer: Dann kam der Alpen-Express ...

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".
The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir. . .Really".
The teacher. . .in a huff. . .said. . ."Alright young man. . .march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"
The boy got out of his chair. . .turned to his sister and said. . . "Come on, Chicken Shit. . . .he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A farmer walked into a Lawyers office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Lawyer asked: "May I help you?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah I want one of them Dayvorces."
The Lawyer said: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, got about 140 acres."
The Lawyer said: "No you don't understand. . . do you have a Case?"
The Farmer said: "No, I don't got a Case, but I got a John Deere!"
The Lawyer said: "No! You don't understand, I mean do you have a Grudge?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Grudge . . . that's where I park my John Deere."
The Lawyer said: "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said: "Yeah, I got a Suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The Lawyer said: "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No Sir, we both get up about 6:30."
The Lawyer then said: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I wan the Dayvorce."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
***

A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank. She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side..."

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора - Zeiten sind das! Da wechselt ein van Gogh für zehn Millionen und ein Rubens für sieben Millionen den Besitzer.

- Ja, ja. Sie haben Recht, auf diese Weise machen sich die Fußballclubs selbst kaputt!

stranger_forever (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear  them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual  debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

more

Oban (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped from a helicopter.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Joe was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Donna with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Donna replied, "Thank you, dear!"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора An old Confederate walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he served Yankees. When the bartender answered “Yes”, the Confederate said, “Okay, bring a beer for me and two Yankees for my crocodile here.”

Argentum_Steel (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
RATED (?)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. On the first day he didn’t see any results. On the second day he saw a few changes. On the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Mississippi. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see any results, the second day he didn't see any results either, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learnt about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is celebrated for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone else a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride and says, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him!"

Nad_Gamgee (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
---------------------------


In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

sh_123 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора Subject: Computer Hard and SoftwareDear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.


ответ на письмо в комменте :)

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

stuart1861 (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.

The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."

A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many
gorillas round these parts"

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices...”

Белая_Мышь (HowMuchWatch) все записи автора The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" – "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy nextdoor shot himself."