I miss you guys... When I came home it was very difficult and it still is sometimes... I wish I could see him right I came back. It wouldn't be so hard to return to my usual life. But I couldn't. And for several days it was severe depression that ruled my soul... The song "Abscent" in my ears... All the time...
But then I understood it's time to return. And just this night... I wished you'd come in my dreams... You did. I saw you all, right again gathered at the table. What for?) Thanks a lot... For giving this all to me. I remember.

So I went to the sea and took HER with me... SHE was silent... I was not sure but finally put HER on my hand - turned round the wrist. The sea seemed to lose its temper. The waves grew a little higher as they were trying to get HER. But I didn't want to hurry. Should I do that? The sea said, Give it to me. - What for? Are you sure SHE wants you?
But the sea asked back, Do you want to see him?
I had nothing to do but let HER go... There SHE is now, round my neck, so silent and so light... Is SHE?

Hello, my dear diary. You know… I miss him. Did you hear? I miss you… Damn I love you! Oops... See how I’m trying to become better. Noo, I’ll try to swear less, not to swear at all…
The weather is beautiful, I love every creature here, I try to communicate with the trees, stones, everything. Is that how my soul is going to recover?
Perhaps. But that would be too easy. I believe I’ll have to do something before returning to that I once was… but I won’t return. Cause if I do, I’ll have to begin everything from the 0. Keep going on. No, I’m not white. I never really was. But my color has to be light. Not very, but still…
It asked me, whom I have given my flowers. I felt sadness in this question. So my answer was, to the one who did not need them. That was truth. So I realized it became easier to me… what else would it ask? Why did it try to help me? Because I needed its help…

Hm, that's strange. It seems to me that somebody had been here during all these long weeks I was absent. Was there? Anybody?

It seems to me that nobody's answering. Oh well... That's all right with me, for I'm here again. Not for long I think.
I'm so glad to be home. Many things have happened. They are happening now. I understood how bad I became, may be that's because I'm back now.#

I became really really bad. I mean, I'm evil now. And it's only now that I realize it... How could I dare?
Something that was me those days... It was something of an angel... Who am I now? That's awfull... Desperate... I'll try, but I don't think I'm strong enough to manage with my own black soul... Wish me good luck...

So, I'll try to return one day. I'll miss you...

What are you doing to me?... I feel really very sad. I AM happy though... Right now... But it's too easy to turn everything upside down...

At last! I'm here again, for I have to share with you... To tell everything that makes my heart beat faster.
I won't say everything right now... Let's leave it to better times... But there is one thing I have to tell you. Little news.
My soul is rended by questions which have no answers yet. But there's no doubt in one of them, now. I have to confess... that pain gives me the feeling of delight. Makes me lose control. That's awful, but what can I do?...

Recently I began to feel rather deeply how I'm eager for people's respect. How I am afraid of losing it. Maybe it's like that just now and soon everything changes. Maybe. No guarantees.
It's easy to love people - for me it is. But the same people have to be genious to gain my respect. The question is... why do they have to respect me if I did nothing extraordinary? The answer is... as usual... I DON'T KNOW. I just need them respect me. Not all of them, but not few. That's a form of weakness anyway.

I'm sooo stupid... That's what I feel sometimes... Today for example... But would you understand that it doesn't mean to me what it means to you? If I were you... I wouldn't.
Yes of course it's true if I tell you this. Buuut. You know the truth. I know it may hurt, even for me it's still mystery how these two statements are still both true. It's awful... I mean that I can't understand this. What I feel - it's wonderful. What I try to do but somehow still cannot (as a result of my stupidity, I guess) is... is not that pleasant and sometimes even disappointing. From the other point of view... Would there be any sense in something ideal, which wouldn't have any purpose?
That's a rather cruel thought. But it exists and I have to do something with it.

It's so easy to make me feel very very sad. You just have to... I won't write it here for if it was about me I would be offended...

Hm... I noticed that I begin to doubt not when everything goes wrong. On the contrary, it's when everything gets right some philosophic thoughts based on the question "WHY?" come to my mind. I wonder why.

From day to day emotions don't get less negative. But there were much better emotions today... because positive ones appear:)
I was frightened. I hate this feeling, this shyness more, than the others alltogether. But still it's too difficult to fight them.
I sometimes have very strong feelings inside. I don't know how to sell them sleep till I'll do something. Maybe it's a crazy thing to do so.

On the other hand... It touchs my soul...

I'm feeling awfull, sleeping all day long, feeling N-E-R-V-O-U-S!
I can't say these emotions that flood my soul can be called positive. What to do what to do... For I have lots to do and my efforts to do this are of microscopic size... LOL! I have to. To do more than I do. How to...
It's like a poison. That's not bad that it exists, cause you can struggle with it, you really can. What is worse - you don't want to. Leave it to the others. Please. Try to. There are things to do... Oh... TRY.

I was thinking of it all... What is meant to be hard-hearted. It's a rather truthless characteristic, imho... At least I don't remember exceptions from this rule.

So, here's the post I promised to write. It'll be dedicated to things I would've left in the past. But I'm not sure at all that I shall.
The first one is that I'm sometimes very rude. I know it hurts. And I don't want to hurt anybody. Well, at least usually it's right this way. But I don't feel being rude in the moment I am... Don't know how to prevent this...
Then, I sometimes feel that I act in a wrong way, but don't know how to do it right...
I'd better stop complaining. I consider that these two things would better be left in the olf year. But they won't. I'm nearly sure.
And... I miss you again... I don't know what to tekk everybody and you know, this is not only my fault. THEY MADE ME NOT TO WANT TO SAY TO THEM ANYTHING. But it's not your fault anyway, it's not because of you I act like this... Because... Oops. Someone wants to see me:)

I'm here again... Looking in the internet for the answers I would never find. Asking myself stupid questions... I don't know what I want right now... Oohhh, I'm completely drunk...:)
Is it so easy... to tell stupid things when you're drunk? No? Why do I always do that?
Today... today was a REAL day... New year, you see.
I don't see any reason to be happier today than I am when I AM HAPPY. So all the best to everybody, but... wait a minute...
Are you sure that you are happy? Maybe you think that you are but you're wrong and what you feel isn't happiness at all?

Well... I AM HAPPY. I FEEL IT. I KNOW IT. THANK YOU EVERYBODY WHO HEPLED ME TO BECOME HAPPY AND TO BE HAPPY.
i think that it's better to write a whole post dedicated to something else:) We'll try...

What can I say? The New Year is coming... Many things've changed. Many things could've changed but fortunately or unfortunately they didn't. I feel rather calm, though it's a big holiday, this New Year. For those who read it - happy new year. For those who don't - the same to you guys)
In fact all I want now, this moment - is a pair of hours sleeping in my sweet bed... That is what I'm going to do;) Soo, all the best... We'll see what goes next)

Wow! I feel like... Like I've drunk something very-very strong... In fact all I've done recently was having listened to some music I usually don't even touch and having eaten a whole chocolate bar. That was very tasty. But it was yesterday.
DAMN! What's all that?

It was a question)

Sometimes it seems to me that you're forgetting about me... It hurts. Is that me who's wrong? I won't just believe that you do it just because. Maybe cause it brings the same pain to you? I know sometimes I'm tactless if not rude. I don't want you to be like this, as low as me... And... if I could only be a little higher...

And one more. Is the word "to love" this strong? Does it mean something extraodinary to anybody? Something that cannot be said everyday, something that cannot be said without a reason and without any provements? THat question is not the simpliest to answer...

And now what concerns love. Oh, I've said already that I miss you, didn't I? I want to see you again, the sooner the better... Although I don't ask of this...