A nice picture, isn't it? Reminds of spring. Or summer...

That's funny how I suddenly realise something I should have done years ago. I looked at you then, and what did I see? Right. I saw this after-taste of burning pain. I nearly felt it myself, I would feel if I only could understand where it came from. I didn't. I don't understand now in full. But I knew I NEVER WANTED YOU TO FEEL THIS PAIN. I'd better feel it myself. Didn't know how to help you. If you only said... Cause you're a very clever guy. Why didn't you tell me anything? I wanted to understand you but had no chance left. You know, I can't read your thoughts. I'd love to, but that's not possible. (Or is it? Don't know, never knew if I succeeded;)) Tell me, simply say to me in words what's up. But you won't. Trying not to hurt me as I did to you? Or thinking you're wise enough not to mind this case? Being a romantic person?
You are. Most of us are romantic, not always though.

Hm, I'll try to understand everything myself. Only if it won't be too late next time.

I thought I didn't care about people much. But I do. I care bout best friends, my family. I care about you guy. I miss you, very very much. It takes only two or three days after I last see you to understand how much I wanna see you again... That's not fair really. I never thought it would be, but still...
You make me happy, untill I finally begin to think of you all the time, day and night. You give me force till I suddenly feel weakness. But what I know for sure, it's much better with you than it was when you were absent from my life. It would be most unfair if everything ended up too fast... I don't want it to happen, it frightens...

But I AM happy now, this moment, this day, this month. You know I love you, perhaps even more than I love THEM. Who knows what this could lead to. Who knew it back then;)

Hum, my philosophic conception is standing in front of a serious obstacle now. If it all goes this way... What should I do? That's the question to answer in the nearest future. If I am lucky - not that near. Maybe somehow there won't be this question at all... I'll know it very soon. But if there would be... I'll do my best, but I am not a machine filled with principles and strategy. I would only try hard not to make mistakes - rude mistakes. But we'll see. Whether I have to make up a new conception...

A whole week is gone! I mean, time runs so fast. All I remember... I was rather tired, but also felt definitely not like it is autumn now... It's a little bit difficult to collect my thoughts together, but I hope you understand what I mean:)

It was an unbelievable day yesterday. I just can't believe in it... Don't dare.

What was it? Who told you this? Have you read my thoughts? If you had you didn't read all of them. Cause I was really scared, you know. I didn't expect this to happen.
Every time I try to find some purity, somebody waves his hand and reassures me that all I want is not for me. Even if this somebody doesn't want it to be so. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHEN I DREAMT OF ALL THIS? But I don't have to ask this really. Cause I still dream... sometimes...
You did brilliant. Nobody made my face go this red for years! You needed only several minutes to beat all records. Fine. Thank you, really. I guess it's because of having been drunk. But it doesn't matter why. It was very touching, tears nearly came out of my eyes. So suddenly.
PS I guess I won't know the truth. Or shall I? Can you tell me yourself? I can't explain anything...

Ok now. I was rather tired today. I finally believed in two things:
1) being alone is not that easy
2) it is veeery difficult to kill stereotypes about yourself that you've believed in for a long time.

I am alone - between something and something, not really understanding what have I to do, disgusted with the feeling that all this gonna last for ever. Struggling with myself so as to believe that it's okay that nobody now takes me as before. Trying to learn something, to gain all that reaction and logic I had last year and to do it quickly. Trying not to give up and not to show all this awful deep feelings that I have. Telling them - my friends or so I think - that everything's all right!

When I want only to dream of something rather unreal but so sweet...

That was wonderful! I never knew dreams could come true that easy... Why dreams? I've never dreamt about this:) The sky was romantic, the air was nearly warm... I could see you every second - all I had to do was just to look at you. I don't know why I needed it so much, but the fact is - you make me feel happy:)

This letter is rather short. But what else can I say that could reflect what's going up in my mind?)))

I'm turning into something too dark and too lonely. What to do? No answer to this usual question. No right answer. I'm not saying that nobody loves me, it's an absolute lie, but... I really am lonely. And it makes me nervous, tired and... and very sad. Shall I dare to write love letters again? Today...

Oh, I was going to do something... but I cannot. It has never been so sad without a heavy reason. I am too weak now even to cry. It's so cold... I don't know what to do... I feel like I don't know who, for this feeling is one of LONELINESS. I shouldn't've felt so. But I do. And I even know why, that's strange. Because I desided to leave everything and to run away.

It's not the first time when the person who left everything and everyone himself feels the most lonely. Want to miss people? Runaway. That's it.

I am fond of the past. It means too much to me...

So much to say, so little time... I've got to go very soon.
I love autumn. At least I did before:)
And... I always wanted to know whether I can do something I want very much... Shall I do THIS? Not sure at all. But I'll try to, as always.
Wish you good luck! For tomorrow, oh, today we all have lots to do...

Sometimes I try to find you. Somewhere. Nowhere. I just pretend trying. Wanna believe myself that I'm doing something for sake of this stupid love.
Oh, I didn't really mean that love is stupid, I've said this (I've written this, if to be exact) because I'm a little bit angry. I AM trying, and then what do I get?
Noone to answer me...

Yet noone promised that if you even really really try you'll get what you want. Life is not that kind of game.
But will you tell me... if I can find you someday?

I knew that! This post is not going to be another love letter. Or it is:) This letter is not mine in fact but I thought it would be a good idea to put it here.

LOVE LETTER

I hold this letter in my hand
A plea, a petition, a kind of prayer
I hope it does as I have planned
Losing her again is more than I can bear
I kiss the cold, white envelope
I press my lips against her name
Two hundred words. We live in hope
The sky hangs heavy with rain

Love Letter Love Letter
Go get her Go get her
Love Letter Love Letter
Go tell her Go tell her

A wicked wind whips up the hill
A handful of hopeful words
I love her and I always will
The sky is ready to burst
Said something I did not mean to say
Said something I did not mean to say
Said something I did not mean to say
It all came out the wrong way

Love Letter Love letter
Go get her Go get her
Love Letter Love letter
Go tell her Go tell her

Rain your kisses down upon me
Rain your kisses down in storms
And for all who'll come before me
In your slowly fading forms
I'm going out of my mind
Will leave me standing in
The rain with a letter and a prayer
Whispered on the wind

Come back to me
Come back to me
O baby please come back to me


released: 2001
words and music by Nick Cave

I know that I am nothing for you, but I can't stand it. I miss your eyes and your smile, I miss your voice telling me something I've never heard before... or something I have. You don't understand that you gave me hope, and it is dying now, from day to day it is becoming paler and paler, until one day I forget about you!
But that would be too simple. You see, I'm jealous. You have your own life and you don't need me. Do I need you? Noo, I'm too proud to need someone who doesn't care about me. So jealousy is everything that is left to me. Don't you think it is cruel to behave like this? Maybe you're fond of eating girls' hearts? Damn, I found a philanderer again... Don't say I am right, I want to be wrong. But am I? What are you doing now? There? Without me?

Happy to greet turquoise in this diary!

This letter is going to be the sadest of all, I suppose... For it is adressed to a very dear person who doesn't take me for serious.

Oh my shining sun! I've seen you for a week, and I remember this week to lighten the time before it and after it. You were so close and yet you were so distant. Just looking at you, dreaming of being like you, that was all I wanted, and so it was. I haven't forgotten it now, as time passes by. The memory is still alive, and it makes me smile suddenly without any obvious reason.
Your eyes... They are of my favourite colour, and I catch every moment they look at me so as to put them deep in my memory. I remember your voice and it is always such a great pleasure to hear it again. You make me happy even when you're far away, or just away.

Everything turns out to be too complicated. I'm feeling so weak... A little bit cold... Like something is moving all around my stomach so that I begin to feel dizzy...
Hey, don't you think that I am pregnant, cause I AM NOT! Everything that happened to me, I have just read a stupid book and now it's difficult to fall asleep.
But there is another reason for the cold that fills me and makes my soul suffer...
I wanted to phone you two minutes ago. But reminded myself that you've ignored me for such a long time. Maybe you totally forgot about me. After all that had been between us. How come?
But I don't care. You've heard it, I don't care anymore about you and your behavior. You're free to go away anytime you like.
Why? Anything's wrong? You look at me like this... But I didn't deserve it. You know it, right? Then... game over, my friend.

First portion of links. They a Russian of course:)

• moon calendar
  
• much info about old Russian history, gods and so on
  
• LOL site
  

Oh, dear. I would never dare to show you, my prince, this stupid letter. I guess it's better for you to never find it.

I saw you first surrounded by colour lights on a warm summer night. You were smiling, looking at everything like a child. I'll never see you again. I'll never forget you. These were the words of a Russian song that I first listened to with attention on our last schoolparty. But it was funny to believe in it then, as I saw them all, well, many of them, later. It was not funny when we said goodbye. But I would add one more phrase to these two, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU.
On the last night your friend called you 'angel'. Have I misheard anything? Perhaps yes. I stood there in front of him in astonishment, remembering the words of another song, by Nightwish. "I wish I had an angel for one moment of love". Yet I could not believe that this perfect in its unreality dream came true. His words proved that... I had one. You are a nice person, kind, handsome, even pure for your age. But an angel... why did he call you like this? A nick? A surname? This question barely spoiles anything.
Right in front of me there was someone who reminded me so much of my ancient enemy. But even if he was I could not fight him now for he had just said something which totally disarmed me. I was just smiling because of nothing, thinking of this ironic fairy tale.
Now I am sitting here. Music can be heard and it's easy to distinct people who are having the time of their lives. I had mine here, thanks to you, my angel. We haven't burnt our wings to dust, have we?
You gave me a great deal of hope. I had been hesitating whether I was dark or clear. I am not. You helped me to understand that I am not an angel, nor am I a demon. I collected both good and evil in my soul, and the proportions made me - my thoughts, my life. If I could I would give you a little part of myself to guard your purity, to help you. I'll never see you again. But it doesn't matter. All I would like is to thank you...

Now that I'm here I should explain something.
First of all, I decided to write in my diary in English. I don't prefer this language to my own anyhow, and it's a secret even to me why my diary should be written this way. If you are able to read it and what's more find it interesting (I should say that the last point is much more difficult), it will make me happy.
I was going to write love letters in my diary. But I don't believe myself that they will be everything that will be written. For example this post is not a love letter, as nobody has been in this diary yet. If you someday come here...

She opened her diary. The paper was white as snow and absolutely clear. What she liked most, it also smelled like flowers. She didn't know the name of these flowers, yet she knew that she would be delightful to grow them in her garden. What is that she was going to write here? She didn't dare to think, her hands trembling, her heart beating fast. Letters to her prince appeared in her mind and she could scarcely throw them away.