Oh, everything's wrong... I'm so tired of all this and simply don't understand what I CAN do, what I'm ABLE to do... For I don't want failures anymore... Afraid of all this... Wanting nothing but run away from everybody... Stay here... Where I can cry it all out and all people around me will never see it...

He, discovered that I'm weak, didn't I? Too weak to wanna struggle when everything's this kind of way, only dreaming that the game is over, wishing this to be the last failure...
IT ALL GOES THE WAY THAT I'M THE LAST LOOSER HERE!!!

How to say to myself that I'm not? What to do to catch myself out of this depression? I'm flying away... It would be wonderful... Unless I wasn't falling down...

I DON'T BELIEVE. IN THE POSSIBILITY OF RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS AWFUL FEELING. NOW.

The thing is - it can go away veeeery soon. But what can I do now? Stay calm planning what I am going to do when everything's over? And what about the time?

Ah, the main thing that drives me mad is that NOT ALL IS THAT BAD, but I seem to ignore all the good points... Well, they are not that much, but they are, good aspects still exist.

For I need time. TIME. Just to think...

Is there something I've done wrong? If so... I'm sorry. FOR EVERYTHING. Cause you see... I don't know yet where is the mistake. Oh... I call them all mistakes! It's like living in the machine world. Here's the mistake, oh, and here was the mistake, but now everything's mended, all the scripts are correct so we can go on... Untill there's another mistake discovered. We'll see.
But now I am too tired I think.
And I know what is wrong... I should have done a lot this day. Well, in my own opinion I DID a lot. But I should've done more... A lot more... It's not the most pleasant thing to think of. It's not me actually, floating away from everything that's gonna happen... Does this only mean that I'm too tired? No, of course not. I AM tired. But not that tired, even in my humble opinion. Yes, I need to think of something, but I'd bet that it won't result in anything NOW. Then, maybe, after several time periods of thinking hard...
I feel like a newborn somedays. Today for example. Looking at the sun, breathing the cold air in, walking this way... I feel something light as the air inside. I wanna live, all the time. Remembering everything that was yesterday... You just smile and watch other people. If they can be the same happy...

You're always trying to play games with the rules you're not aknowledged of... desperately and often senselessly...
Have you ever tried to THINK of it? No? What news!

I'm back again. Nobody here? So much the better...
My mood is kind of philosophical now... I've been thinking a lot all this time. Some of my thoughts will follow.
Glad that I'm here again, in my tiny sanctuary.

Remember, you're allways welcome here. Only if you will...:)

Mmm... I decided to write a little poem. I mean, to post it here as it is already written. Hope that those who may see it would like this piece. Or maybe not. Anyway, I'm sorry that it is rather primitive as I rarely write little poems now.


In this night I am alone
Wind up there begins to moan
This hungry darkness falls around
F' the answer I have never found.

All night dreaming,
Scaried screaming,
With pain torn eaten,
My soul bleeding.

Looking for an answer
I have never found.

I don't wanna to confess to myself in this little weakness... And I won't. Now. Cause I DON'T KNOW:) Maybe I shall do it later...

I miss you... What the f**k, is this suffering a punishment or a blessing?

It's awful that I can't get it right, whether I am happy or unhappy. But I guess most people don't realize kind of their feelings.
All in all I AM HAPPY. But what concerns you... Sometimes I'm on the seventh heaven, sometimes I suffer with every fiber of soul. Oh...

I begin to doubt in my soul's purity. I never felt this kind of delight before. Believe me. I should've had it, but is it for enough purity of soul or something else... It's you who's changed me. And you did it perfect. I couldn't do better anyway.

I believe I'd never want to lose you. But if I'll have to one awful day... I won't feel sorry for anything I've felt. For meeting you then. It's a litlle pink dream... To never lose you. It's a PINK dream cause I don't fully believe in this kind of happiness...

This anger, this wrath kills me... One of the strongest feelings, a real passion. Very negative, though. I know there are few positive kinds of passion, if there are at all. But this...
You know, I rarely write letters to YOU. Nearly my copy... If I had been mistaken before I still am now... I still consider you my 'twin'... No way. I am not enough tactful, but you're rude. Was THIS meant to be sincerity? I don't think so.
I am often afraid of something, but can YOU prove that you're NOT A COWARD?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? To follow stupid principles, to be mistaken and absolutely sure that you're right? That's how you see our life? Nooo, you're not my double. It's unbelievable. I can't find any logical explanation to the fact that I had often had the same thoughts. It was a COINCIDENCE! That's all I can think of.

Do you know why I write it all here? Because I'm furious!!! About what I saw not long ago... How could you? Nothing is sacred to you...

You never respected me. I knew it. I even could bear it for sake of the knowledge I was given... I was not alone in my thoughts... But you didn't know about this. This was your payment for the crime of being so rude and... and foolish... You never knew what my thoughts were. And I would hardly ever tell you, the guy who could never respect me, see a PERSON in me...
Is there hope between the ruins?
NO!!! There never was any hope! How couldn't you understand that this relationship - whatever it was - could bring us NOTHING BUT PAIN AND SORROW!

Oh, I see, you felt nothing, you're scarsely able to FEEL SOMETHING AT ALL!
Oh, this awful feeling kills me... I have never loved you as strong as I hate you now... Not for you yourself but for your stupidity!
I don't forgive MY OWN MISTAKES. I could never forgive you, no matter how hard I tried...

I would only like to see you once and to look again in your impudent eyes. With my own ones. To see if you understood at least SOMETHING. But I don't believe for a second that anythung at all was discovered to you after all.

You disappoint me again and again, although it should have ended long-long ago...

It was like wow! I mean the weather. I mean that everything is so new to me that I hardly believe that I've seen it all before for hundreds of times. Cause I didn't. The rain... The sky... Your hand... Everything inside me trembling. Now. Because it's a little bit cold. Can I trust you? Would you believe me? This is not as easy as it looks like. But sometimes I think that you're something of a magician.

You brought me to life. Although I haven't seen you for ages.
And what now? You're the same. I had been wrong before... Thanks. I nearly cried. It was so touching...
You're the one who can bring people lots of enthusiasm. But perhaps you were also right. Anyway, you remain the same person I knew before and I'm glad to know it again.

Why did I come here under the name of Arabella? A little Arabian, huh? And rooting in beauty with it's other end? Yeah, that was an idea... But there's nothing Arabian left. I became too straight. That's bad actually. I wanted to be happy. And what now? Oh, foolish me...
How did I dare to doubt for a second in my own aims? In my principles and conception? What the hell am I sitting here and speaking of all this?
Right. I'd never tell this anybody in real life. Not because I don't trust them. But for some reason I don't want anybody of them to know it all...

Where is all the romance I was seeking for? Why do I have to suffer because of my own mistakes?
I'd better stop asking this all. Cause it is my gametask. To come through this.

Do emotions play any role? No? Why do we feel then? Oh... I love pain. Sometimes. But now I don't. I wanna be happy. I'll try to... And what if... if I succeed?

I need to talk it out, oh, I can't bear that anymore... It's awful...
Now I'm not frightened, I'm not trying to be careful, no, I'm just thinking, why is it like that?
I feel AWFUL. I made a mistake. Don't know where.
I'm not that. I have just to believe in it myself... That I AM NOT THAT. I'm a completely different person...
A warrior? No. Too little ambition to be this.
A wisard? Nohow. Too little wits. I think so.
A lover? Me never. Too much control.
A scientist? Oh... Okay, it's worth thinking about.
A magician? I'd like to be, but haven't discovered enough talent for it. And enough courage.

Now... WHO AM I?
I thought I knew. I don't.
I only know that my type of person is a rather stupid one, frequently hesitating, usually mistaken and a little bit slow, not thinking at all! But that would not be that bad... I'm lying to myself... Or not... I don't know anything, but I'd better stop living like that.

I sometimes want to have an ordinary life. Think ordinary thoughts, speak ordinary words. What I absolutely lack is the sense of order...
I want to be strong enough. To be able to do something I can't do now... But... Oh what a stupid thing...
Why everything I like comes out too fast? Before I can fully understand why it makes me feel so happy...
Cause I don't feel happy now. At all. I'm a sad and rather angry girl now.

I hope you didn't lose your time reading this sad post. Cause I wanna you to be happy. For sake of life. For me. For others who feel this sad but don't do anything to evacuate this feeling from their hearts.

Oh no... I miss you... don't take for serious that disgusting nonsense I tell you. I don't mean to be THAT INDIFFERENT. I just don't know how to show you everything I feel... I... I... I don't uderstand anything myself... I'd give you something... as a present... If I would be able to give it anyone.

Don't... I want to cry out all this, but something inside me says, stay calm, be strong not to lose what you have.

Trusting is a risk. I trust you. Not because I'm sure that everything is goin to be fine for eternity, no. Not because nobody had ever destroyed my dreams or simply betrayed me. You see, I don't know why:)

Feeling so sad... I'm cold... It's so dark... I wanted to do something what I didn't, or so I feel... Although everything is not that bad.
BUT. My soul is darker than ever. Me, my clear heart becoming evil. Somebody, tell me it's not more than a nightmare...
Many people were not very nice today. Why do they do it? Never knew, tried to never act like that. Why do they try to irritate you? Perhaps they have serious problems in their private lives? Or maybe problems of some other origine? That would be the only explanation possible, as I don't believe people can be so angry and bad-tempered by nature.

I'll do my best not to become like them. I don't know what it leads to, but still. Being a stubborn person is not that bad. In my really humble opinion;)

That's cruel. I'm falling down. Every second lower and lower, and the time my feet reach the ground... I don't know what shall happen then. But I believe it'll be something awful.
I'm getting weaker than I was before.
I'd better stop acusing one only person of this all... Cause... cause why the f**k should I seek problems in all this if it makes me smile?:)

Oh, it is gone... the thing I wrote about in the previous post. Or maybe not. Don't uderstand. Don't want to understand really.
How come? At this very moment I'm thinking about everything... Thinking that now nothing matters... Cause I'll be able to bear anything. What a disgusting lie! But that's not that.
I have to lie permanently, though I hate doing it. That is the opposite side of keeping secrets... You have a secret and what do you do? You lie. To everybody. That's awful, really.
But how can person live withought secrets?
Got it? People can't live without lies. They are neccesary like air, like water. Am I wrong? Would be happy if I am.

I don't fully believe in these mystic things... or do I? Still hesitating between leaving some purity for my soul and finding answers to my questions.
I can barely feel ok thinking of all this... Look at it. Do you see this line? THIS WAS YOURS, NOT MINE. I am changing because of you. I don't accuse you of this, noo, cause this part of you fits me. I only pray that you don't feel worse because of this. Don't wanna hurt you anyhow. And that is rather difficult. I am not a psychologist or a mindreader. So I have to spend a lot of time answering the question what to do...
Remember, I haven't done the puzzle yet. Yet...

I promised to myself to write here if everything goes all right. It is, for now. Just a bit to know that... that not just dreams come true. But today was something more. How could he believe my stupid words? If I don't believe them! I rarely tell lies, so it almost shocked me how easily people believe in what you say when you tell obvious lies... By the way, strong and deep are not synonims when describing a feeling. The strongest is for one, the deepest - for another. Damn! If I tell you so much, more than I would tell anyone else, how dare you think that you mean less to me than you really do? Oh no... the harder I try to follow my theories the more I start to love you... against them...
And how much it scares... It has been very long ago since I last felt it... when you're afraid of losing someone, losing him too fast... I don't want to... I'm so happy, the world is so beautiful... Perhaps I have to stop thinking all the time of how everything's gonna end? Just to live, this way? But how? As for me this is what I do now... I live... I don't know how to live other way. Do I need something? Believing to have everything I need? I do, really. Of course It would be fantastic if I had something more and more... But I am happy now.

Yeah, it was a love letter))) I just didn't put the usual staff in it. I'll add this pic instead.

Oh, I only write love letters when everything is at least a little bit sad. But it is not all the time. Partly yes, I feel triste. So the letters are quite honest. I hope you won't find them. I left you too little chance to find this romantic little diary. My dreams live here, in this world of tranqulity seasoned with a pinch of sadness. You don't have to think of bad and cruel things here... You sometimes do. But it's just as looking at them from your cosy corner, realising that life is like that, and that's all. Isn't it lovely, this kind of life.