Finally got some sleep, for the first time in 48 hrs...and woke up with a devastating realization that it's all true...he's gone. Not a part of my life any more. Very different feeling this time around. Want to be numb, cannot bear the thoughts or feelings. Want to cry, scream...but not even able to anymore. Exhausted and overwhelmed at the same time. Cannot not love, cannot hate - torn and screwed up. Don't want to be around anyone. Only him. I am going crazy.

The sentences are short and abrupt. Just like the ending was abrupt and unexpected.

My kitty is sick. The same thing again, a recurring hole in his belly, previous surgical site. Have an appointmnet with the Vet Surgeon tomorrow morning. There has to be something that can help us! Otherwise I don't know...So heart breaking.

I don't normally drink coffee, but I drink at least 2 cups of tea daily: black, green, white - all good. A few years ago I've discovered this herbal green tea by Yogi Tea called "Green Tea Kombucha"; I fell in love with it instantly. The only local store that used to sell the brand was Hannaford and about a year ago or so, the brand disappeared off their shelves to my great dismay. So I've treated the last few bags of tea as gold. Then the week before Christmas I find it in the new natural section of local Price Chopper supermarket; there was no end to my excitement, when I got home and reported to my boyfriend that I've finally found my favorite tea. His confused face didn't ring a bell, of course. Guess what was amongst my Christmas gifts? A year's worth supply of my Kombucha tea. He paid attention to what I said about the tea previously and ordered it for me online. Such a great gesture! And a surprise, because I didn't think he was paying much attention to what I was saying. I love the guy dearly, he's amazing! How did I get so lucky?!
Now, why didn't I ever think of finding the tea online? I look up everything else on there.

It just hurts. So much. I don't want it like this. Is it even worth it?

About a month ago I've tried horseback riding...for the first time in my life. :) I mean, of course it wasn't a galloping ride or anything of that kind. But for me, who couldn't even get ON that horse without help, it was quite a journey...lol. It's amazing how these animals are attuned to your every move, even the slightest; and if you aren't careful enough, you might get yourself in some big trouble. But let me tell you - it's an amazing experience, even empowering in some way. ;)

I surprised myself this weekend. Have I ever mentioned that I wanted to try snowboarding? I don't think so. Actually I've wanted to do it for a few years now, but never got to it; didn't want it that bad I guess, or just hasn't been around people who snowboard. Well, this weekend I decided to keep my friend a company(who is a beginner snowboarder) while shopping for a snowboard. And guess what? Ended up buying one for myself also...absolutely spontaneously. It's just been such a good deal ($230 for the board, boots and bindings, everything brand new), that I could not resist.
Well, today I've tried going down the hill for the first time. Needless to say that I've heard so much about all the falling down and wild bruises, that the beginners cannot avoid, so I was expecting the worst...Or I didn't really know what to expect. The very first ride down was great, I think I fell down twice only. And the next ones weren't disappointing either, nothing to be afraid of. I LOVE it, definitely! But I do need to take at least on lesson, so that I can learn better handling of the board. I'm so excited!

P.S. As for the injuries of the weekend - I have big blisters on the bottoms of my feet. Nope, not from the snowboarding. That's from wild Sat night dancing in new shoes...and without those damn shoes later on.

The year started out well! New people, new life...

2008 was full of events:
1. Graduated from Dental Hygiene School
2. Successfully passed all National an Regional Boards.
3. Ended a relationship.
4. Got licensed and found a perfect job.
5. Got divorced.
6. Went to Russia for a month.
7. Cat has been sick.
8. Moved to a nice place.
9. Met some great people.
10. Out of money. :)

I am happy. And I intend to stay that way. :) Happy and prosperous New Year to everyone!!!

Thank you Elena Prikhodko, self-made, Boned Angel, Fred in Westland, goos and chitalex for congratulations and warm wishes, I appreciate it all. XOXO

A few more hectic weeks later...

My baby Panther had another surgery done this past Thursday. I'm truly hoping this was the last one. Ever. He seems to be recovering just fine, and he really favors that electric blanket I got for him. What a perfect cat he is, love him soooo much.

Aside from that, life seems to be good. Finally found a new place and am moving on black Friday. :) My first real place that I can actually decorate the way I want to, starting with the new pieces of furniture; hopefully I won't run out of money while doing all that. :)

As for the rest, I'm keeping my lips sealed and fingers crossed...

My cat has gotten sick again. He's been vomitting since Thursday, it got so bad that I had to take him to the Emergency Clinic at 4 am. The radiographs of the abdomen showed something at the site of the recent surgery, but they cannot tell for sure what it is and whether it is the culprit of his sickness. He behaves normal, he's got appetite and no fever, but every time he eats or drinks, he cannot keep it inside. The vomiting is not as frequent any longer, but theemergency clinic doesn't offer any diagnostics(he needs ultrasound), so they offered IV fluids to keep him hydrated through the weekend, so that I can get him to the Specialty Clinic on Monday. Of course, I refused the IV for 3 days, he wasn't that dehydrated and I cannot imagine him sitting with a niddle in his arm for 3 days in the hospital setting. So we are going for subcutaneous injections once a day, and the Dr that saw us yesterday mentioned that it could be as little as some kind of virus that caused the vomitting, that it might not even be related to the previous surgery. It kind of gave me hope...But he vomitted again this morning, and I am starting to freak out again. God help us.

I had a dream last night. It felt so real...well, majority of my dreams are that way. But this was something. Me, my ex-husband, and my ex-boyfriend were living together; it seemed to work out pretty well, very harmonious relationship, everyone was content...surprisingly. The two dearest men in my life; it would have been perfect. Unfortunately things like that are impossible to be transferred into reality...Hmmm...Do I possess mormon traits? :)

This weather is killing me...first snow. Want to cuddle up with him...and make love on the carpet...by the flaming fireplace. Oh, I'm burning up...

It's been so busy the past few weeks...too much has happened, feels as if I'm living somebody else's life. Awkward.

1. Work is still the same. I am enjoying what I do and my patients' company.
2. My cat had another surgery. Another $2000 later, he's doing well.
3. Men. Dating is fun, but exhausting. Don't feel anything, except slight excitement and...irritation.
4. Searching for a new place, nothing catches my eye so far.

I am constantly running somewhere, making plans, breaking the rules, making up new ones...on, and on, and on...

Today was my first full day of working as a dental hygienist. To be honest, I was very nervous, I was envisioning myself running behind and being all flustered. But hey! It went extremely well...I'm loving it. Yay!!! Everything is going to be alright, and it's all worth it.

It's been 2 days since I got back. Finally I can get back on with my life. The whole month of September was such a disaster, in every possible way. I've never felt so out of the loop...it was such an emotional rollercoaster. Things that I would have never expected have happened. So much pain, so much determination...I forgot I could be so vulnerable. Oh, boy...I so don't want to become indifferent and careless with other people's feelings...but it seems that's where I'm headed at.
Something is going to happen...I sense it. Watch out.

Yay!!! I am a Registered Dental Hygienist as of 08/29/08. It's been a long road to success and I'm glad it's over...finally I can slowly but surely move towards realization of some more important goals in my life. Thank you, God, for everything.

I've had a nice surprise awaiting me at work last night. My co-workers organized a little good-bye party for me. I was puzzled when mid-shift the nurse manager walked into the room with a serious face, saying that the supervisor wanted to see me in her office. I am on friendly terms with her, so wild thoughts were going through my head, starting with "What could I have done wrong?", and ending with "Maybe she wants to ask me about my new workplace". I go downstairs and find all of my favorite coworkers(about 10 of them), gathered there. I have never expected anything like that and they've been planning this for a week now. I wanted to cry, that's how moved I was. Cards with beautiful words, gifts, and home-made food...I was floored. I had no idea that so many people cared about me that much. I will miss them immensely, we've had such great times, shared some funny and crazy wild moments, and were an incredible team. They still are a great team, and will be...It's too sad to leave them behind, and I hope everyone gets to experience that kind of a warm feeling of belonging to such an amazing caring team.

I wouldn't call myself a huge fan of Woody Allen's work, but I couldn't pass up on this one. The European setting of the movie and the cast just got me curious, the plot seemed enticing, so...I went to see it today. What can I say? I truly enjoyed it - I laughed, I frowned, there were a few "whatever"s slipping off my lips - I've had a wonderful time at the theatre. The narrator style did irritate me a bit, but overall, I don't think there's anyone else who could expose human soul and hidden desires, like Woody Allen does, in a comical kind of way, yet so realistic...

I've passed them all. Once again, hard work did pay off and I'm very satisfied.

The results are:
1. Prometric NorthEast Regional Board - 95
2. Clinical NorthEast Regional Board - 100
3. National Board Dental Hygiene Exam - 95

Well, for the past month I've been intensively searching for jobs...it hasn't been easy, since I wanted something out of Albany-Troy area, but not too far north. And...it's hard to interview for a job, knowing that you will be leaving the country for a month and will only be able to start working 2 months after accepting the offer. When mostly they need you to start working yesterday. :)
When I saw this ad two weeks ago, I really went for it; I got the interview, was very confident and forward, it went well and we've found some common ground; at the end of the interview I was bold enough to pop the "May I have the job?" question. Two days later, while driving to Boston I got the phone call from that office; before I answered the call, I was sure they just wanted my references, but when they said that they were offering me the position, I almost went off the highway. Good news. Full-time position, good hours, nice benefits and the pay seems to be competetive. Yesterday I spent the day at the office, shadowing the hygienists, getting aquainted with the staff and the office. Hopefully we'll all work out for each other. My start day is October 1st.
Now...I only have to get my last Board results and the license. By rumors, the results should be in the Office of Professions by the end of August. Keeping my fingers crossed.
On September 2nd I'm flying to Russia to finally visit with my family and friends, whom I haven't seen since 2005. Will be back on the 30th of September, if everything goes well. I'm a bit vary of the situation with Georgia, and tightening relationship between the states and russia. Let's pray, everything is going to be allright. For everyone.

So...that's where I stand today. Full of hopes and emotions.