Yesterday I downloaded Norton Antivirus 2008 on my laptop, and since then I cannot get online. Somehow it wiped out my network connections. After an hour of trying to figure out and fix the problem over the phone my bf got impatient. Then I got on my desktop and on the Norton website found their step-by-step fix of the problem. And guess what? It didn't work. I've been screwing around with different set-ups for another hour, and then Norton came up with the page, saying that they cannot figure this problem out, and please call this #. It took about 20 mins to finally get through to the tech support person. After I've explained what happened and what I've already done he instructed me to remove the Norton from my laptop, which I did. And then the internet connection still didn't work. He suggested that I call the ISP, because it's not the Norton, but I have an issue with my provider. When I told him that it's not the provider, because my signal is perfect and I get online on the desk top with the same wire(the laptop doesn't have a wireless connection), he said that he was sorry but I have to call the provider and wished me a good night. I was furious. And still am. So no laptop for a week, till Jon gets to it. Because I don't think I can manually set up a network connection on my own. I need help.

The aroma of this blooming wild apple tree was irresistible.

Today was one of the worst days of my whole life. North East Regional Board clinical dental hygiene exam. The amount of stress that I have endured during those 4 hours was so enourmous that I feel like I've lost 4 years out of my lifespan. During the exam and while I was driving home I was shaking the whole time and now I feel as if I'm in a different dimension. The test is not cheap...$900 and I have to pass it to get my license to practice. The criteria that a patient has to meet to qualify for this exam are very particular, needless to say it took me a lot of time, patience, nerves, sleepless nights and $$$ to get this patient in my chair. Everything was fine till I realized at the beginning of the exam, that some of the teeth that I've selected for the exam previously, may not qualify due to caries that was nat visible on x-rays and was under the gums. At that moment I freaked out, I could feel my face flushing, my hands and legs shaking...I started to look around for different teeth to meet the selection criteria. The time was tight. All the rest seemed to flow OK. I just really truly hope that I pass this exam. I won't get the results till a month later. So God, please let me pass this exam and get my license as expected, I really cannot imagine going through this again. I want this to be done and over with.

Боже мои, как хочется гармонии в жизни и спокоиствия. Очень неприятныи период у меня сеичас, беспрестанныи стресс как в профессиональнои так и в личнои сфере. Планы, строившиеся уже пару лет, рассыпались в минуту и теперь неизвестность. Нужно начинать все с чистого листа...в которыи раз. Надоело. На данныи момент я пребываю в состоянии отрицания деиствительности, очень хочется верить что все ешё можно повернуть вспять...А нужно ли?

It feels quite awkward driving a sedan after 7 years of experinece with SUVs. Not used to sitting so low to the ground, lightweight, the gas pedal is touchier, but...the gas mileage has increased significantly. Will see how it handles in the snowy northeastern winter.

P.S. Miss my beautiful baby.

Вчера вечером на трассе, не дотерпев 17 миль до дома, моя девочка приказала долго жить. Вот так вот совсем невовремя я осталась без машины. Последние пару месяцев она сильно капризничала, потом неполадки были устранены, а теперь полетел двигатель. Представляте каково лететь 80 миль в час по левои полосе в плотном потоке машин, и вдруг раз и не прет машина. :) Слава Богу обошлось, отбуксировали. Теперь или менять двигатель на новыи, или избавляться от машины. Механик посоветовал последнее. И вот уже которыи час я пролопачиваю предложения многочисленных дилеров...Терпения бы мне и удачи...

Three Sundays in a raw the engine of my car is overheating all of a sudden. When it happened for the first time, I was driving to work, when about after 2 miles or 10 minutes of driving the sign "Check your gages" came up on the dashboard. Two minutes later I was parked on the hospital parking lot. I could see the antifreeze dripping. All shift I was worried about my car, then Jon came in to drive with me towards home. I poured more antefreeze in and drove all the way home staring at the dashboard watching the arrow. To my surprize it didn't overheat, the fan was clearly engaging. I was relieved, thinking that it was just a glitch in the system and my car is fine. I was driving the car without any problems the whole week, when on Sunday the car overheated again on my way to work. The sign came up on the dashboard on the same corner of the same street that it happened a week ago. This time I got to thinking that there's something wrong with the thermostat and called the shop the next day. But the car was driving fine again. So I didn't get to replace the thermostat. Guess what happened this past Sunday? Yep, on the same corner of the same street. What is this supposed to mean? I work every Sunday and cannot afford not to, so we'll see what happens on this coming Sunday.

Как я сегодня расстроилась...Я неделю жила без семечек. Поехала в магазин, чтоб закупиться на выходные. Зашла в магазин и первым делом понеслась к заветной полке. А там - пусто...Подхожу к владельцу магазина чуть ли не со слезами на глазах:"А семечки то где?". В ответ: "Чёрные закончились. Но есть белые на развес." А я только чёрные люблю. Не просто люблю...я ими живу. До такой степени, что на пальцах мозоли и кончик языка немеет. В понедельник новый завоз, а мне вот все планы на выходные обломились. Так хотелось посмотреть пару фильмов, семечек погрызть, ну как поп-корн. Эххх...

Оголённые нервы...Бесконечные раздражители...Избыток ощущений и чувств. Абсолютно не ко времени, как раз сейчас нужно собраться и идти, строго следуя графику. Дни расписаны по минутам; нужно вытерпеть, не сломаться.

Up...down...up...and down...up again and down again...
Time to restructure, rearrange...and keep on moving. By the end of 2008 my whole lifestyle is expected to drastically change. Tough times, lonely times;so much is ahead. For now, I need to find peace within myself.

I often ask people what love is in their understanding. I get many versions of this phenomenon. In my opinion love is a sacred emotional/physical connection, that will overcome every possible obstacle; I think no matter what, it is impossible to eradicate this connection, even willingly so. And most importantly it's unconditional - there are no expectations, it's just there.

Another thought. How often do we mislead ourselves and others, saying we love that person. Deep in the heart we know, that there's no love...we simply want to cling to this "happiness" because we are afraid of loneliness. We need to have someone to share our happy and not so happy moments with, we need that back-up person, when everything and everyone else turns away from us. So how many of us stay in those half-baked relationships day after day, year after year just because we don't want to feel left out?

We tend to assume things about people prematurely, we judge each other, we are biased. We are human. Disgustingly, erroneously human.
I've got another kick in the ass today...and got quite upset. Another reminder to refrain from making assumptions based on someone else's words. Back home we've had this neighbour, as far as I remember he always lived alone. He was an alcoholic, considered to be a total loser, and I don't ever remeber him having a permanent job of a any kind. He simply was strange. Well, as it turns out his house caught on fire a week ago and he suffocated there. What I didn't know was - he had a cat. He got some sort of a side-job just to get enough money to get his cat spayed, that's the guy who never really had a job. And I guess about a month ago he went to visit his sister-in-law, which lives about 15 mins away; he told her he wasn't feeling well and that he was in constant pain. He mentioned that he was worried about his cat and asked that in case of his death she finds a good home for the kitty. That's the only thing that was on his mind. That has totally surprised me and changed my opinion about him. They've seen the cat sitting on the roof, waiting for him. That woman doesn't want to take the poor cat and asked another sister-in-law, who lives next-door to the deceased man to take care of her. THe other woman doesn't like cats, but she agreed to feed her. I begged my mom to take the cat. The kitty is heart-broken and is living on the street. World is so cruel.

P.S. I test people that I newly meet and I let them into my life only if they are kind and empathetic to animals. Especially cats. And it's extremely important to me, because if someone can be cruel to a helpless animal(I'm not talking about self-defence in case of an uncalled animal attack), he has no reason to take another breath. As simple as that.

Тут такая ситуация...Уже давно считается нормальным то, что мои кот спит вместе со мнои - обычно свернувшись калачиком на подушке, прямо напротив моего лица.И обычно по утрам он начинал процесс моего пробуждения путем трения своеи мордахи о мое лицо, солидно исходя слюнои, мурча мне песенки о том, как он проголодался и пора бы уже его кормить завтраком. С недавних пор произошли непредвиденные изменения в нашеи рутине - теперь котяра спит не на подушке рядом со мнои, нет, он решил, что для обоих будет удобнее( и теплее), если он будет спать прямо на мне - растянувшись или на моем боку, или на спине, в зависимости в какои позе я сплю в очереднои момент. И теперь я стараюсь очень плавно менять положения тела во время сна, ибо не причинять неудобств моему зверю. На какие только жертвы не поидешь во имя любви к ближним...

Вчера перед сном в моем мозгу неожиданно засела мысль - что судьба таки имеет место быть, а то как же иначе...Каждыи день у человека столько возможностеи кануть в небытие. Но нет ведь - проносит, иногда так и ходишь по лезвию бритвы, и на волоске тоже висишь, ан нет...не твои черед. Ехала вечером за рулем, и как минимум раз 5 за 20 минут могло произоити непоправимое, то пешеходы выбегают из неоткуда, то машина летит на тебя по встречнои, то подрезают прямо под самым носом...И ведь не не угадаешь какои из таких днеи может стать последним...

Вычитала обьявление в проф.журнале, что требуются Dental Hygienists на острове St Thomas, US Virgin Islands. 4 дня работы и остальные 3 дня лежать на пляжу. Сижу и которыи день уже не выходит из головы сумасшедшая идея. Пару месяцев назад искали так же работника в St.Moritz, Switzerland. что делать то?

Many thanks to my online friends Fred_in_Westland, self-made, SergioY and Falshik for sincere Birthday wishes. You made me smile, I love you guys.

Fluffy is gone. Negligence. I feel sad, angry and guilty. I love you Fluffy and I'm sorry that I haven't tried harder to help you. RIP.

I am a dental hygiene student, and I have to find my own patients. And not just anyone, but there is a certain amount and there are requirements about how periodontally envolved they should be(which basically means how bad their teeth and gums are). So...it's hard enough to find a person willing to come 1-4 times for 2.5 hr appointments and being accepted by instructors as a necessary requirement.

Anyways, my yesterday's patient totally screwed me over and she does not see any fault of hers in what happened.

Today I had another patient scheduled, he was an important requirement patient and it was supposed to be his last apppointment.He never showed up and his phones are off. I've left about 5 messages, trying not to lose my cool. Anyways, now I have to find another similar patient and my appointment times are extremely limited all the way till December.

In the meantime, trying not to waste another precious appointment time, I called my other patient. She could not come, but said her husband might, she just needed to call his cell to see if he was available. She was supposed to call back the clinic in a few minutes to let me know if her husband would come in. Here is the thing though, she is Russian and our front desk personnel speaks ONLY English, of course. I explained Mrs H the situation and went to my operatory. About 20 minutes later, front desk assistant comes back to me:" Venera, there's a russian lady on the phone for you." I go over, Mrs H has a phone in her hand, she hands it to me without a word. And there is my patient already apologizing in russian how sorry she was but her husband was stuck at work, I tried to add that it's OK, I knew it was a short notice, and that I'll see him next week. But the lady would not listen to me, she just kept on going with her speech, totally ignoring my words. After about a minute of a non-stop monologue she says"goodbye" and hangs up. I was lost. I cannot believe that she could be so rude to not answer my questions and just simply ignore me. So here I am thinking if I really want this strange patient in my chair. All this time Mrs H was standing right next to me, glancing at me from time to time with a weird expression on her face. So here I am all puzzled, and venting to Mrs H how weird this patient was on the phone, she just would not shut up, I could not even put a word in our conversation, she was just cutting me off and then just hung up etc. Mrs H looks at me and says:"Venera, it was a voicemail you were listening to. I assumed she left a message in russian and I could not understand, so I didn't erase this message, so you could hear it." Needless to say, I was on the floor after that phrase. It seems like these past couple of days are just on big prank on me and I want it to be over. I get it. :)

I'm shaking right now. And no, it's not because the temperature outside suddenly dropped. One day, too much crap. It started with a weird dream I had last night. I've been wanting to go on a cruise for a while now. So I had a dream that somehow me, my mom, my sister, and my father were on a cruise liner. The ride was very smooth, everything was absolutely amazing. Then the weather started changing and I cannot remember now how, but a few people fell over the board. The crew, instead of getting them back on the ship kept going, saying that there was a rescue crew on the water right behind our liner. So we kept on going, standing there by the railings and looking on the water, all of a sudden we are passing by a big flat rock sticking out of the water, covered with body parts and bloody water twirling over it. It dawns on me that another ship has just crashed there, and while I'm trying to catch my breath from what I've just seen, our ship suddenly rocks really hard, and all I could remember that I thought it was the end and started praying for a quick death. In the meantime the ship was rocking right and left, up and down for a few more minutes which seemed like forever. Huge waves of water were gushing onto the ship and quite a few people were washed off the ship. There was a huge frenzy, people were screaming. Then all the turmoil finally stopped, people started thanking the crew for making it through this "storm". At this point people were running up and down the ship looking for their loved ones. My mom and my sister were by my side, so I knew they survived, but my father was on the top floor of the ship, which was open. We were not able to find him and were told that all the people that were on that top floor got washed off the ship. Dead. I was shocked. My mom and sister were not exactly grieving, they were sort of relieved that he was gone. Yes, my father is an abusive, egotistical animal, and all the respect I've had for him has been long lost, but at that moment I felt like no matter what kind of a person he was, he still was my father and I was shaken up. And then...I woke up. It took me a while to realize that it was only a dream. Freaky dream.

Then I went to school, sat through first 2hr lecture and had a big tough exam on Periodontology right after. I had my clinical at one, and I had to pick up my patient in Albany, the city that I'm not that familiar with. It's a long story, but when I finally got the patient in my car, we got lost, and then got lost even more, riding in circles. I knew I was running late already, so I just turned around and brought her back home. So, I called theclinic and explained that I would not make it there today. Missing clinic hours is not exactly a good thing, my graduation process directly depends on that. So I was pretty bummed. And to top all that there is something weird going on with my front tooth, which means - more money(money that I don't have) out of my pocket. This whole thing seems like a neverending circle that I'm stuck in. School, work, studying, patients, clinical requirements, upcoming national board exams, personal life - everything is closing up on me, and I am about to lose it. I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH. I WILL DO IT, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. BUT NOONE BUT ME KNOWS AT WHAT COST. I've alredy sacrificed so much and there's more to come, but i know, that God will not give any more than I can handle. I know there are plenty of people who have it thousands more times worse than me, and some have it better, but this is my life and I'm doing the best I can. I'm fine.