English humor - not so much a style as a way of life. National proverb says: «Everyone has a fool in his sleeve» - «Everybody in the hole sits a fool." English conversation and to this day is a kind of serious-frivolous picks in which the interlocutors instantly pick up the proposed roles and play them in a desired manner.
English humor is its variety. Especially stupid jokes called the elephant jokes - «elephant jokes."Other varieties of English humor: dry sense of humour ( «dry sense of humor") - an irony, banana skin sense of humour ( «humor with a banana peel") - fairly primitive jokes when someone slips on a banana peel and all funny, shaggy -dog stories, in which funny is based on illogical statements.
Speaking English anecdote, you feel a sense of easy superiority, listening to English anecdote, you feel a sense of inferiority light ...
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American tourist walking tours of London.
- All here have such a small, constricted, - he says. - This building, for example, be in America ten times higher.
- Oh, yes, sir! This psychiatric clinic.
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- What is "English humor"? - This is when a very intelligent gentleman telling another very distinguished gentleman, something that is not understood by others. That is both amused and.
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Go through the forest two hunters, and then one suddenly faints. The second sees that his friend was not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Then he pulls out a cell phone and calls the hospital: "Listen, my friend die right before my eyes! What do I do? "The attendant replied:" Well, to begin with, make sure it is really dead, "In the tube - silence, then a shot.. Then the hunter again picks up the phone, "Okay, what's next?"
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Death of an Englishman. Having collected the remnants of forces, he turned to his wife:
- I want you to six months after my death you are married, Joe ...
- But I thought that you hate him ?!
The Englishman at the last breath:
- Even as hate ...
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The Scottish Police School of the young cadet asked:
- What would you do if you alone had to disperse the demonstration?
- I would have took off his cap and began to collect for charity.
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- Sir, you do not accidentally find coupons punched?
- No, sir, unfortunately not!
- Oh, sir, I beg you, look for yourself. Maybe you still there pierced voucher?
- NO! I told you, sir! NO! Are you so poor that they are not able to pay the fare ?!
- No, sir. I just - the controller!
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London, Thames, sign "forbidden to fish", under it the gentleman sitting with a fishing rod. To him comes a policeman:
- With you 10 pounds, sir!
- For what, sir?
- You can not go fishing!
- I did not catch a fish, I bathe my worm!
The policeman leaves, but appears after 10 minutes.
-You Bathe worm, let me see it! (Gets out of the water hook and worm on it)
- This is your worm, sir?
- Yes, this is my worm!
- With you 20 pounds, sir!
- For what?
- You can not go swimming without a bathing suit!
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Middle-class Englishman comes in a respectable shop.
A little looking around, asking the seller.
- Tell me, how much is there that hat?
- A thousand dollars, Sir.
- Damn .. And over that?
- Two line, Sir.
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England. Butler knocks and enters the office of the Lord:
- Sir, come to your tailor and says that will not go away until you do not pay him for the past two suits!
Lord (not looking up from his newspaper):
- Well, prepare for Mr. room.
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Ireland. Near one of the pubs there is a fight. By fighting fit man and asks:
- Excuse me, this is a private fight, or can participate all?
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- Sir, may I express to you my sympathy. I heard that your wife ran off with your lackey.
- Nonsense. I'm still going to fire him ...
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Diplomatic Englishman to tell the secretary that she was fired, puts it this way:
- Miss Jones, you are so perfectly cope with their responsibilities, I do not even know what we would do without you. But on Monday, we still try.
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An elderly English lopd, pposnyvshis ytpom coming to okny and peering tyda carefully govopit molodomy slyge:
- Today could.
- Pozdpavlyayu, sep! - Responsible slyga.
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- Someone killed soon in our quiet town.
- How did you know, sir?
- There is a good old-fashioned British omen - if the city comes Miss Marple, someone zamochat soon!
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Diplomatic Englishman to tell the secretary that she was fired, puts it this way:
- Miss Jones, you are so perfectly cope with their responsibilities, I do not even know what we would do without you. But on Monday, we still try.
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Lord - the butler:
- George, whose skeleton is on the floor? It needs to be removed.
- This is the skeleton of the cleaner, sir, there is no one to clean it ...
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The gentleman sitting in the room and reads "Tayms". Suddenly crumbling wall and a few inches from Sir slows the car. Sir looking up from the newspaper:
- Where are you in such a hurry, sir?
- On Pikadilii, sir.
- Then Bam had to be through the kitchen, sir.
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Two friends unsuccessfully looking for work. Finally, the one I saw in the newspaper an announcement that a very aristocratic house looking metrdotelya. He went there for an interview.The next day a friend said:
- At first, everything was very good. Chic House. I took the countess herself. Please just talk. Then she says, show your hands. Revealed. She says good hands, just for white gloves. Then he says: show roe. I pulled up his pant legs, she looked - well, said well suited for French short trousers.And then he says: Now show your references. And then, I guess I made a mistake ...
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Prim English spinster happy with the reception. He beckoned her servant and said:
- Mary, come to us men, they will go to the toilet, take arms IT and then the same hands sugar from sugar bowls ... I'll expand the sugar tongs.
After the reception lady beckons servant:
- Mary, I think I asked you to spread the forceps.
Mary:
- I laid out ...
Lady:
- And where are they?
Mary:
- In the toilet ...
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- Oh, sir, what you have at home great dishes, emphasizing your refined aristocratic taste! I am impressed!
- Yes, sir, this is a unique Chinese porcelain of the 17th century. But this graceful shallow cup that I bought recently at auction, I particularly like!
- And what, sir?
- It is very convenient to lick cream after ...
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In the English club.
- Gentlemen, yesterday happened to me very curious story. Imagine a cold rainy evening, I was sitting by the fireplace. Suddenly - a knock at the door. I open and see a lovely lady, soaking wet from the rain ...
- So, what is next?
- Of course I let her in. She shivered and asked for whiskey, but it is not warmed, and she asked for permission to sit on my lap.
- Well?!
- I swear, gentlemen, will not work and six months, she will be mine!
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American, coming down off the plane at Heathrow, with a mist:
- Fie, how nasty the weather! How long is this going to continue, you know?
Londoner:
- Alas, sir, I can not say anything definite. I live here only thirty-five years.
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English lord found himself shipwrecked on a desert island. He built three huts. he was found and rescued after a while. Sailors long wondered why his three huts? To which he replied:
- One - this is my home, and the second - this is my club, and the third - a club that I ignore.
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English lawyer wrote a will in which he left his entire fortune to fools and mad: "From them I received it, and return it."
Last modified on Tuesday, 03 March 2015 18:53
