Nikta (Learning_English) все записи автора

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By James Sherman 
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? 
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 
George: Great. Lay it on me. 
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 
George: That’s what I want to know. 
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. 
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 
Condi: Yes. 
George: I mean the fellow’s name. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The guy in China. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The new leader of China. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The Chinaman! 
Condi: Hu is leading China. 
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? 
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China. 
More

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-in-the-passion- (Learning_English) все записи автора

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European Commission has just announced an agreement  whereby English will be the official language of the European Union  rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded  that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,  this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".  This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted  to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters  which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in  the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"  and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.  Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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Ksana_-San (Learning_English) все записи автора - A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- A midnight fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
- The second mouse gets the cheese.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Nelin (Learning_English) все записи автора

Фред_Юнг_боцман_Шрёдингера (Learning_English) все записи автора

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The way HE ;) was
Антитэтчеровская инвектива с шоу Фрая и Лори где-то середины 80-х.
To watch!

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it_has_been_donated (Learning_English) все записи автора

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Do you speak english?
-Yes
-Name?
- Abdul al-Rhasib
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no...I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast..))

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angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.  "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher.  "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!"

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angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You can be the man of your house."
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

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Fevinn (Learning_English) все записи автора

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

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Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog? 'The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.  At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,  'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies...... 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday'

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