angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
"And, by the way" the blonde added, "It's a Lexus, not a Porch".

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.?
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law. "

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

The first testicular guard (a Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

 This took a lot of work to put together!!!


You think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

 After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,

Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so

We should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and .

HOLY CRAP !'

Silence followed

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking

To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in

My lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled,

'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'

angryrat (Learning_English) все записи автора

 A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"