Sometimes it seems that i don't have a choice, but I know there is. There is a way I want to follow, but it's gonna hurt someone else. I can't say that I don't care, cuz whenever I don't understand or accept feelings of some people, life puts me in their situation and I come to an understanding through my own experience. I know that I hurt people following my own desires, I walked away from problems and company of human beings that I was not lookig for. But what goes around, comes around.
Understanding means forgiveness. I understand how wrong and stupid I was, whom I supposed to forgive - my stupid myself?
I don't want to hurt no anyone anymore, I want to be happy yet...

В колонках играет - Rammstein "Amerika"

Quit one of my jobs - the restaurant. Now i am just a clubber, but it only makes me feel good. I need more time for myself.
Dorothy was asking if i am looking for something else, cuz the days without work gonna be full of thoughts about life shit she said.
I don't think so. I need these days without work, cuz there are things in my life except work. And i'm gonna find out what are those things.

В колонках играет - Save my life

I miss people, i miss soulmates, i miss conversations with meaning and understanding, i miss "being near" thing. I feel so lonely, restless, indifferent and lost.
I don't want to see anybody, to meet anybody new, because they don't know me. I don't want their fake words and their fake smiles, i don't want any games. I don't trust them.
Being true and simple, to say what u really think - is it so complicated? Is it so fucking impossible? Why do they have to hide their real faces behind the masks, why are they afraid to show real feelings, real personalities? Are they so ugly?
My friends - everything that i have, my people...
I used to say that i am happy, cuz i have them. Why am i not smiling then?
I miss him. Still miss him, when there is no scence, no meaning of that.
Fuck everything, fuck this fucking world. It hurt me so fucking hard.
And still I can't hate it

В колонках играет - Take That

5 crasy bartenders. We are a team. We make fun of life while cutting lemons.
New topic: How to make man to fall in love with U.
Keith being a man decided to clear up everything from the beginning. There are three steps he said: food, football and fucking. Laughter... The rule of triple F is simply simple. And it even seems to be true. Actually it's true if to take life simple, to live it simple and to be shallow. "But man areshallow, we are" said Kris being another man.
Dorothy is smiling, it's a fun talk for her. I am smiling too, but keep asking questions trying to figure out something more then 3 F rule.
OK, Keith decides to open up a little bit. Men have some kind of feeling like "broken wing". They need to feel that their lady needs them as a protector, leader, kind of guard. So they will feel themselves strong and confident.
That's the thing.
And I love these guys, cuz while laughing and talking shit we always find out the truth in our stories.

как разбивается сердце?
Беззвучно, бесшумно, в море слез, в потоках боли.
Боль приходит не сразу. Сначала вообсче ничего не происходит. Одна мысль, одно предложение, одно слово и пустота. Ничего абсолютно, даже мира вокруг в этот момент словно нет. И вот оно оборвалось - беззвучно, не совершая ни одного движения. Полное отсутствие всего вокруг и в то же время мир настолько материален, что даже не верится, что даже начинаешь его ненавидеть, не хочешь в нем быть, ведь он настолько безразличен, бездуховен. И ты - одинокое создание с обрывающимся в данный момент сердцем.
Поток бурных, диких слез, крик - чтоб хоть что-то было, чтоб выразить свой протест сложившимся обстоятельствам. Слезы не остановить, а в глазах - всепоглощаюя ненависть, ненависть ко всему бессильному тебе помочь миру, ненависть к людям, таким глупым, мелочным, мелким, неспособным предвидеть.
Боль. Боль во всем: в чувствах, движениях, глазах, словах, во всем теле, в каждой клетке. И слезы ее не облегчают, просто продолжают катиться по щекам. И уже все равно, потому что нет сил ни для чего. Боль острая, тупая, всеобъемлющая, навалившаяся и проходящая сквозь. И отчаяние, потому что ничего не изменить, отчаяние от отсутствия выбора, от бессилия.
Злость. Огромная, бешеная, дикая, подстегивающая, бьющая в лицо. Злость, потому что ты отказываешься принимать бездуховность и безразличие этого непонимающего мира. Ему все равно, что ты страдаешь. Ему все равно, что у тебя есть сердце, было сердце. Ему все равно, что он лишил тебя самого ценного, а если не лишил, то не вмешался, не изменил ничего. Он просто был тупым окружающим материальным миром. И ты бежишь сквозь него, хочешь колотить его кулаками... Но что колотить, кто виноват, что виновато? У твоей злости нет названия, ты злишься от бессилия. И это самый ужасный вид злости, ведь у нее нет объекта.
Понимание. Оно приходит позже. Потому что нет выбора. Ты понимаешь, что ничего не изменить и хотеть бесполезно. Тихое понимание происшедшего, тихий разговор с собой, разговор над осколками бившегося когда-то сердца. Подбираешь осколки, соединяешь в целое, ведь тебе они дороги. Они - все, что у тебя осталось, твои воспоминания. Тихо и спокойно понимаешь то, что не хочешь принять, то, на что не хочешь смотреть.Задавать вопросы бесполезно, а хочется. Есче больше хочется получить на них ответы.
Грусть. Тоска приходит об руку с одиночеством. Сначала съедающая, щемящая, сжимающая склеенное по осколкам сердце. И не хочется никого видеть, ведь они не понимают этой грусти, этой вопросительной боли. Никто не поможет, они бесполезны, они просто вокруг.
Затем грусть становится теплой. Грусть - это воспоминания о былом. Это единственное, что осталось. Воспоминания.
И надо с этим жить. С грустью в сердце, с улыбкой на лице, с любовью к прошлому, со взглядом в будущее. Без вопросов, без ответов. Просто продолжать свой путь, ведь сердце все есче бьется, а время лечит.

Not gonna leave any comments here till I will feel new and free from everything that happened. Tired to write under the influence of pain

I am going home. So strange, unexpected, unbelivable and looked forward idea. Like going somewhere else, like running into the childhood. Weird
How?

В колонках играет - Pink "Long way to Happy"

"Are U always unhappy?"
I would answer "Are U always happy?" And what actually we need for happiness
Different people need different staff. Usually they need material unimportant small things. They think that staffing their lives with conveniences and making it more comfortable will make them happy. All they need is things.
What is happiness? Is it state of mood, state of mind, laughter, tears?
Are we happy when we laugh?
I laugh a lot watching cartoons, spending time with my friends... And I am happy at the moment.
I am happy in general, cuz I have all valuable people around: my parents and real friends. I have love, don't have it's object anymore, yet...
I love this world, so wonderful and unique, so strong and fragile. And I am happy to be in this world. It hurts me when people make it artificial, run through it without seeing and understanding.
I am for evolution ( it doesn't need my agreement), I am for development, I am for people, I am for life not for existance. I am for suvival, cuz it makes us appreciate life even more.
I don't need more then I have right now. I now I'm gonna have more and less depending on periods of my life.
And while there is at least one person in this world, who really carrys about me, I am happy

В колонках играет - Three Days Grace

I saw him in a dream.
Remember that in my dream i wanted to break up with him, was packing his things, wanted to get rid of them. I didn't really see him, but felt that he was somewhere around. So, i was taking out his staff from the shelfs - some small unimportant things and realised suddenly that want to see him, talk to him.
I started to look for him, but couldn't find. I was missing him so much, wanted to talk, didn't have any topic though. I went outside and saw him sitting on the ground, his back turned to me...
It was a month ysterday since i got the news
I spent that day with the other man, whom i don't even like
Does it mean that i betray him?
Am i still that real and beautiful person he liked?
Am i his freand?
Who am i after all?

Esli daje liubov neset s soboi razluku, odinochestvo, pechal - vse ravno ona stoit toi zeni, kotoruiu mi za nee platim

В колонках играет - pink "Runaway"

And again somebody tries to buy me. What does he think - i am a pretty girl, who can't have feelings. He thinks that pretty expencive toys will make me feel better?
All I need right now is a hand of a friend, nothing else.
Why? Do I look like I am on sale, like i have price? May be I have my price, but it's not measured in money.
Why this world is so unperfect? Why they hurt me all the time? Why am I hurt? May be I shouldn't care and it will be easier for me.
Tired to be perfect in this unperfect life. Isn't it easier just to let it happen watever it is? But I can't, i can't betray his memory

В колонках играет - audioslave "Doesn't remind me"

I will never forget him. And I shouldn't force myself. It's ok
I have friends, familly, friends... I am not alone
And everything will be ok. I'll go home soon
I'm gonna meet new people, have new events, challenges
Future. I have it
I have a lot, much more then lots of other people
Everything is fine, i am fine, life is life

I think I'm going crasy. I can't forget him. Why can't I?
Can't understand that will never see him again, forgetting his voice already and trying to remember how it sounds. Sometimes hear his voice in my head so clearly, then forget.
Fuck! Want to get this stuff out of my head! Help!!!!
I miss him


Pink
Who Knew
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

В колонках играет - Audioslave "Out of Exile"

Another meaningless cold day of my life. And I didn't enjoy it as usual.
When I am busy, I'm too busy to enjoy my life. When I am bored, i am bored.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why am i so boring? No fun, no excitement, no iniciative. Empty, totally empty.
I need sun

Keep thinking about him. I was his mistake. He was not supposed to let me get so close, he was not supposed to talk to me. He had completly different life, different friends, goals, everything different. He was not supposed to like me, to notice me.
It's not fare!Why did we meat each other?! Fucking different people! Never actually were together, never wanted to be together
And now I have all that thoughts!
Pain is leaving, now I am angry on life, destiny, myself, feelings, past, everything!

У кошки девять жизней, ей нечего терять
Сегодня уходила, чтоб заново начать
Вчера она блуждала по крышам до темна
По-зимнему грустила, а на дворе весна
Она одна такая, она всегда одна
Не гордая, простая, реальная судьба
Она играет в мячик, когда ей хорошо
Она мурлычет тихо - ей весело, тепло
Показывает когти, бывает убежит
Она всегда приходит к тому, кем дорожит
Легко и грациозно шагает по земле
Такая деловая и верная себе
У кошки девять жизней, ей есть кого терять
Сегодня убежала, устала начинать
А знаете, что кошка сидела у окна
И плакала на звезды. Она всегда одна

В колонках играет - I am the highway

So, what can I say. I am in this world, living, fighting, having good time, laughing, enjoying, thinking, feeling. And it's how it is.
Want everybody around to be happy. Want peace in the world forever.
Want to change something. Want to move, to be strong, first, best, as in good old times. Want to see my friends happy and laughing.
I love all of you for being in my life. I love you for being real.