Classical ballet born in France has been well settled down in Russia since the end of the 18th century. However, the French language has been used in the lessons of the ballet schools and during the rehearsals of the Ballet theatres throughout the world so far. Plié, jeté, pas de chat, fouetté. These terms speak little for the ordinary ear. Yet it`s a word to the wise for the ballet professionals.
Avdotia Ilyinichna Istomena (ees-toh`-mee-nah)(1799-1848), Prima of Bolshoy in time of Pushkin
Let`s remember the famous lines:
То стан совьет, то разовьет,// И быстрой ножкой ножку бьет. Alexandre Pushkin EUGENE ONEGIN, Stanza XX
The theatre is full, the boxes sparkle,
The stalls, the orchestra - all is in motion,
A slow handclap comes from the circle,
And the curtain rises in swift commotion.
All glistening, and almost ethereal,
Obedient to the magic bow,
A throng of nymphs around her now, Istomena stands; then cautiously,
With one foot lightly on the ground
With the other she turns herself around,
Then a sudden leap, and now she's flying
A flight like down from Aeolus' mouth,
She twists her waist, and now untwists it,
While one foot spins, and the other one hits it. (Trans. by Gerard R. Ledger)
Possibly not being aware of it Pushkin exactly described the ballet movements of the port de bras (pohr duh brah) and jeté battu (zjeh-tay' bah-tew' ). The ballet vocabulary (terminology) was formed in France owing to King of France, His Majesty Louis XIV.
Louis XIV
He adored the choreography and thoroughly learned the art of ballet. In 1671 Louis XIV made up his mind to establish Académie Royale de Danse (Royal Academy of Dance) and ordered great French choreograher Pierre Beauchamps to codify the ballet movements.
Pierre Beauchamps (boh-ʃɑ̃`)(1631-1705)
Then the main ballet pas (pah) (`steps`) which have been in use so far were described by him, the very movements that are learned in the ballet schools, trained in the rehearsals in the ballet companies and peformed by the dancers on the stage. The five right and five wrong positions of feet in ballet were established in Pierre Beauchamps` time. The right ones en dehors (ahn dah-ohr') were turned-inside-out positions with the toes turned out. They were used in the noble dances, first of all, in the regal menuette. The wrong feet`s positions, with the turned in toes (toes in) served for the dancing of the comic characters.
Mikhail Fokin
The 20c. great Russian choreographer Mikhail Fokin`s character Pulchinello (pulchi-) movements were based on the wrong positions of feet. That became an accent of Pulcinello, the clumsy, intimidated title character of the same name iconic ballet. Igor Stravinsky `Pulcinello` Pierre Beauchamps gave a detailed description of the turned-inside-out positions, as well as positions of arms and legs during squats plié (plee-yay`).
Schwarzenegger`s Plié
Now they open any lesson of the classical ballet, both attended by the first formers and famous ballet stars. Ideal position of feet remains the main feature and advantage of the French ballet school.
Class of Alexandre Messerer.
The moving of arms from one position to another with the simultaneous bending of trunk and turning of head is known as the port de bras (pohr duh brah`). The ability of moving hands in a nice manner, so called `speaking`, `singing` arms and hands is a trademark of the Russian ballet school. Great Russian ballerina Maya Plisetskaya`s various port de bras bewitched the whole world.
Maya Plisetskaya
Maya Plisetskaya: `At the very moment when feet are in the strict classical positions your arms and hands are free to express everything. Nationality, temper, epoch. Any possible mood! I`m going to illustrate it for you: that movement of my arms transform the classical ballet in the Russian folk dance, now that my arms and hands moves like that my legs and feet keep dancing the classical dance.
In the `Laurencia`: I`ve got the imaginary castanets in my hands, I move my arms and hands like this or like that, but the same movements of them are impossible, for example, in the `Swan Lake`, becuse it`s Spain! And that position is India. And that one is Persia! Alexandre Glazunov. `Raymonda` («Раймонда»). Maya Plisetskaya.
Battement (baht-mahn') is an exercise for legs and feet. There are several dozens of movements of that kind. Every kind of the battement is intended for its own artistic task. High and nice raise (rise, lift) of a leg is a pride of any ballerina. The best exercise for forming such a raise is considered to be the battement tendu (baht-mahn' tahn-du`). Battement Tendu.
It`s speed and dexterity that are achieved by the battement frappé (baht-mahn' fra-pay`) and petit battement (puh-teet baht-mahn'). When performing that movement, legs `flicker` as in a slow motion. You can hardly count all the `strokes`.
The battement fondue (baht-mahn' fohn-dew') teaches the dancers to move tenderly, smoothly and gracefully.
It`s a `melting` battement, when dancers` legs move backwards and aside, so the leg of a dancer `opens` itself, but the regular exhausting repetition of that movement is not associated with the delicious Swiss dish `Fondue`, the yummy mixture of cheece and chocolate, for the ballet dancers.
The majestic grand battement (grahn baht-mahn') crowns the exercising at a portable barre. The legs of dancers `take off` in all directions beyond their heads! Sometimes that kind of battement is very useful not only for the scene, but also in life.
Fanny Essler (1810-1884)
There was a case when great Austrian ballerina of the 19 c. Fanny Essler used that movement to beat off the robbers who offered her a choice between her life and purse. She disarmed them with mighty strokes of her legs as a karate girl! By the way, the same movements have been really and anciently used in the martial arts!
Bolshoy Theatre, the turn of the 19 c. Summer
Having performed the exercising at a portable barre (the barres) dancers continue to practise ballet movements in the middle of the dance floor. Class of Sophia Golovkina.
The dance can be divided for convenience into a quick (fast) and slow one, like music that can be slow Adagio (ah-dazj'-eh-oh) and quick (fast) Allegro (ah-leh'-groh). These Italian terms the art of ballet burrowed from music. Adagio can be peformed both at a portable barre and in the middle of the hall. Besides, Adagio are danced on the stage, this is a longstanding artistic form of the classical ballet. Peter Tchaikovsky. The Swan Lake. Galina Ulanova. Konstantin Sergeyev.
The Adagio became as well a part of the pas de deux (pah duh duh`) , a twosome dance. Peter Tchaikovsky. The Swan Lake. Maya Plisetskaya. Nikolai Fadeyechev.
The most adorning movement of an Adagio is the arabesque (ah-rah-besk). That movement was called in that way in honour of the Old Arabian pattern. The romantic ballet regarded the arabesque as a divine movement. It`s in a pose of the arabesque that playful Silphide (silfid`) literally `freezes` on points of her toes.
Jean Madeleine Schneitzhoeffer - La Silphide. Raissa Khilko, Alexei Ratmanski.
In the ballet `Giselle` Giselle (zjee-zel`) bends over her love also in a pose of the arabesque. Adolphe Charles Adam (adan`). Giselle. Svetlana Lun`kina, Dmitri Gudanov.
The arabesque prevails in dancing of the Wilis (wee`-lis) in Act 2 of the `Giselle`(the Wilis are not Bruce Willis, but http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giselle the spirits of young girls who have died before their wedding nights`. - AAO).
The ballet pose of the attitude (ah-teh-tewd') was invented by Italian choreograher Carlo Blasis (1797-1878).
Carlo Blasis (bla`zis
Or, if to be exact, an idea of new movement was prompted by a pose of Mercury statue created by great French and Italian sculptor Giovanni da Bologna (Giambologna, Jean de Boulogne (1529-1608).
Giambologna
The climax of the pose of the attitude is the Adagio of Princess Aurora with a ballerina and four partners from the ballet of The Sleeping Beauty. Peter Tchaikovsky. The Sleeping Beauty. Irina Kolpakova.
Marius Petipa (peh-tee-pah`)
That hymn to the ballet pose of the attitude was in the language of ballet `sung` by great French and Russian dancer and choreographer Marius Petipa (1818-1910). Peter Tchaikovsky. The Sleeping Beauty.
Of course, the most spectacular ballet movements are jumps and turns. Both in the floor and in the air. They are thoroughly trained in the class as soon as the `quick` part of the lessons begins. The frequent jumps with the legs moving apart and crossing are named entrechat (ahn-truh-shah'). Once they were performed by Louis XIV himself. They say that once not having finished his movement His Majesty stumbled to the applause of the hypocritical courtiers. And his `newly invented` pas was defined as the entrechat royalle, or the Royal entrechat.
According to the legends the master of a brilliant chain of the hovering entrechats in the 18 c. was a French dancer Jean Balon (Ballon)(bah-lohn`) (1676-1739). Since then his name has been used to define the entrechat as the dancers` ability to challenge the law of gravity. But some say that the ballet term originates from the French word defining a balloon.
The soaring and hovering entrechats are presented in the final part of variations of the Blue Bird from the ballet `The Sleeping Beauty`. Peter Tchaikovsky The Sleeping Beauty. Nikolai Tsiskaridze.
These variations were initially staged by Marius Petipa exclusively for Italian virtuoso dancer Enrico Cecchetti (1850-1928).
Enrico Cecchetti (che-ke`-t-ti)
But soon ballerinas started competing with the male ballet dancers too. They proved that their entrechat were no less soaring and hovering ones. Adolphe Charles Adam. Giselle. Carla Fracci (frah`-ch-chee).
The jumps with turns in the air jeté en tournant (zjeh-tay' toor-nahn`) are always met with applause. Performing a chain of those jumps the dancers seem to draw a wide magic circle in the floor. Peter Tchaikovsky. The Nutcracker. Yekaterina Maksimova. Vladimir Vasiliyev.
Some terms came to the ballet art from nature. For instance, it can`t be excluded that the jump cabriole (kah-bree'-ohl) originates from the French word cabri (-bree`), i.e. a kid, goatling (rather than a Chupacabra). Adolphe Charles Adam. Giselle. Rudolf Nuriyev.
So the expression `someone jumps as a goat` is not abusive since cabriole is an extraorinarily noble jump. The smooth, insinuating and tactful jump pas de chats (pah duh shah) was used with good effect by Marius Petipa in the comic scene of the twists and turns of love affair of the black tom cat and white pussy cat in The Sleeping Beauty. Peter Tchaikovsky - The Sleeping Beauty. Galina Kekisheva, Oleg Kuznetsov.
As to the grand pas de chat (grahn pah duh shah`) it`s able to transform the catlike movements (cat`s stepping) into the mistic phantom which is before the wind. The vivid illustration is in the ballet `Giselle` when Giselle Wilis rushes diagonally across the scene performing the grand pas de chat. Adolphe Charles Adam. Giselle. Liudmila Semenyaka, Valeriy Anisimov.
The ballet Don Quixote has got two heroines, they`re Kitri (kee`-tree) and the Queen of the Dryads who perform grand pas de chat, one after another, traversing the arena in the big circles. Ludwig Minkus (meen`-kus] - Don Quixote. Nina Ananiashvili and Nina Speranskaya.
This splendid contest of two primas permanently draws the stormy applause and has the audience all in the aisles. Aram Khachaturian. Spartacus. Maris Liepa (lee-ye`-pa).
The jump pas de poisson (pah duh pwah-sohn) came to the ballet right from the underwater kingdom. The dancer bends backwards, and his legs while he keeps jumping remind of the forked fishtail. Aram Khachaturian. Spartacus. Natalia Bessmertnova.
Many ballet movements (steps) and terms earlier belonged to the traditional dances. La Région d'Auvergne of France granted the classical ballet with one of its most essential movements from its dance bourrée. The pas de bourrée (pah duh boo-ray`), the fast and smooth movement of feet on points, the ballerinas perfect from the first class of the ballet schools.
The synthesis, coinage of the port de bras and pas de bourrée gave birth to the Mikhail Fokin`s immortal miniature of the La Mort du Cygne (The Swan) («Умирающий лебедь») to Camille Saint-Saëns` (kamij` sɛ̃sɑ̃s`) music. Camille Saint-Saëns - La Mort du Cygne (The Swan). Maya Plisetskaya.
Traditional dance of the Basques shared its movement, i.e. saut de basque (soh duh bahsk') with the classical ballet. It is performed by ballerinas who make one turn in the air. Adolphe Charles Adam. Giselle. Maria Allash.
The spectacular double or even triple saut de basque is a firm guarantee of a success for the male classical ballet dancers. Boris Asafyev - Flames of Paris («Пламя Парижа»). Ivan Vasiliyev.
Flame of Paris – Nataliya Osipova
The Queen of the female ballet turns became the fouetté (fweh-tay'). It`s French for the `lash, whip`. Indeed, one of legs of a whirling ballerina moves like a lash cleaving the air. Ludwig Minkus - Don Quixote. Yekaterina Maksimova.
The male answer to that achievement of ballerinas became the grand pirouette, or the grand turn. Grand Pirouette. It demands a high level of the artistic skills. Ludwig Minkus - Don Quixote. Vladimir Vasiliyev.
The important term of the classical ballet is the word aplomb (a.plɔ̃). It has nothing to do with the self-confidence or assurance. It`s but an ability of a ballerina to persistently stand on one leg counterpoising in the most complicated ballet positions. It`s a necessary thing in ballet, that very aplomb. Ludwig Minkus - Don Quixote. Natalia Osipova, Ivan Vasiliyev.
Renovated Bolshoy Theatre, nowadays.
The magic words of battement, adagio, allegro, etc. sound as an incantation and spell when heard in the ballet classes of the world. They are a basis of the magnificent castle we know as the classical ballet.
THE LESSON OF LITERATURE: THE SONG OF THE STORMY PETREL BY MAXIM GORKY
Stormy petrel - Painting by John James Audubon
AN ALEXEI TURKUS ANIMATED CARTOON FROM THE LESSON OF LITERATURE IN A RUSSIAN SCHOOL AND MAXIM GORKY`S THE STORMY PETREL (1901) The lesson of literature in school. A high achiever and teacher`s pet is reciting Gorky`s Petrel in an emotional, deep-felt way being interrupted with the teacher scolding regular latecomers.
Alexei Mikhailovich Turkus (born 1955)
Because of the nerve strain of the girl reciter the text of the poem starts coming true right in the class. Wow!!! The soundtrack of the animation includes Italian Polka by Sergei Rakhmaninov and Frederic Chopin`s Étude No 12 in C minor, Op 10 'Revolutionary' *A line from the famous Pushkin`s poem.
THE STORMY PETREL (after Maxim Gorky) The Argus International, Moscow, 2004
CLASSROOM, slogans on the wall read `THOU THE BOOKS!`, `ATTENTION!` and `LIGHT OF POETRY`. Portraits of Pushkin, Tolstoy, etc. Teach: I`m going to call out to the blackboard ... I`m going to call out ... I`m going to call out to the blackboard ... (pupils are trembling, only a high achiever and teacher`s pet Rezunova is sticking up her hand wanting to be called) Latecomer Sidorov: May I ... Teach: Sidorov! Why are you late? Sidorov: The tram has broken down! Teach: Give me your school record book and take your place. And don`t chew in class! ... I`m going to call out to the blackboard ... Twin Latecomes: May I? May I? Teach: Petrov and Petrov! Why are you late? Twin Latecomes: The tram has totally broken down! At all! Teach: It`s an unreasonable excuse! Place your school record books on my table and sit down. Do it! Teach: I`m going to call out to the blackboard ... Who has done it now? WHO ... HAS ... DONE ... IT? Teacher`s Pet Rezunova: It`s Fedotov! Teach: Fedotov! Fedotov: What? Teach: What what? Stand up and leave the class! Fedotov: But what have I done? Teach: You`ve said like this! (imitating the sound produced by him). Fedotov: It was not me! Don't shift blame! Teach: Who then? Maybe, Pushkin? Get out of class now! Rezunova to the blackboard! Rezunova: Maxim Gorky! THE SONG OF THE STORMY PETREL! Up above the grey sea surface wind starts gathering the clouds. Twixt the clouds and sea surface there soars the proud petrel like the blacker-than-black lightning. Now its wing touches a wave crest, now it upward shoots like an arrow, when it cries ... Teach: Fedotov! Are you still in class? Leave it! Fedotov: Why me? What on earth have I done?! Teach: You`ve done like this (imitating the sound produced by him). Rezunova: ... the clouds hear joy in that bird`s bravest outcry. There`s a storm lust in its shouts. The savage fury, heat of battle, and dead certainty of triumph is discerned in `em by clouds.
Teach: (to a fresh latecomer) Ivanov! Why are you late? Ivanov: The tram has broken down! Teach: Put your school record book on my table! Fedotov, get out of class! Fedotov: What have I done, after all? The teach is imitating the sound produced by him in class. Fedotov: Don't shift blame! Was it me? The Stormy Petrel: Yes! It was you!!! Rezunova: Gulls are groaning before tempest, they are groaning, rushing `bout, they`d like on a pain of terror hide themselves under the surface. The next latecomer: May I come in? Teach: Give me your school record book! Rezunova: And the loons are also moaning, they escape the joy of battle, terrified by crash of thunder.
Teach: (to a penguin) What? Has your tram also been broken down? Your record book and take your place! Rezunova: Silly penguin`s shyly hiding its fat carcass twixt the mounts ... The free petrel`s soaring only, brave and proud, o`er the sea, grey with the whitecaps. The black clouds o`re the ocean are meanwhile going down and down, and the singing waves are soaring up and up to meet the thunder. Thunder`s rolling! Vying with the wind the waves are foaming up with wrath and howling. Here`s the embracing tight the trains of waves to strike them wildly cliffs and dash the em`rald giants into foam and spray, out of malice. Like the blacker-than-black lightning the storm petrel`s streaking, crying, as an arrow spearing clouds, with its wing it`s clipping wave crests. Teach: Fedotov, leave the class immediately! The stormy Petrel: Don't shift blame! What have I done? Teach: You`ve touched the wave crests with your wingtip! The Stormy Petrel: Have I really done it? Don't shift blame! Teach: And now you are clipping wave crests. Rezunova: See it`s drifting as a demon, proud, black and stormy daemon, it is laughing at the clouds, it`s crying being delighted. Teach: Who is laughing? Who is crying? Rezunova: … it is laughing at the clouds, it is crying being delighted. Teach: (to the stormy petrel) Get out of class!!! Rezunova: The keen demon has a feeling that the thunder`s wrath is fading. It is sure that the clouds will not hide the Sun forever. No, they won`t hide! Wind is howling ... Thunder`s rolling ... Clouds above the deep are flaring with a flame of blue. Latecomers: The tram has broken down! Teach: Get out of class!
Rezunova: Sea`s catching zigzag lightnings to extinguish them deep down. Like the fiery twisting serpents the reflections of the lightnings on the sea are quickly dying. Tempest, soon it will break out! It`s the brave and proud petrel that is soaring twixt the lightnings over rage of the sea tempest; it`s the prophet of the triumph, it is crying: May the gale break out stronger, the storm that covers skies with clouds!* Teach: (to Rezunova) Well done! Excellent! Fedotov! Get out of class and never come back until I have seen your parents! Pushkin: What have I done? Just look at Gorky, he`s a latecomer! Gorky: May I ... My tram has broken down! Pushkin: (teasing Gorky) You`ve been late! You`ve been late! Gorky: Do not tease me, or else I show you! Pushkin: (teasing Gorky) You`ve been late! You`ve been late! A-ha-ha! Teach: YOU G-E-T O-U-T! THE END(Trans. AndrewAlexandre Owie)
Alexei Peshkov (Maxim Gorky) - Young Years
Максим Горький ПЕСНЯ О БУРЕВЕСТНИКЕ
Над седой равниной моря ветер тучи собирает. Между тучами и морем гордо реет Буревестник, черной молнии подобный.//То крылом волны касаясь, то стрелой взмывая к тучам, он кричит, и - тучи слышат радость в смелом крике птицы.//В этом крике - жажда бури! Силу гнева, пламя страсти и уверенность в победе слышат тучи в этом крике.//Чайки стонут перед бурей, - стонут, мечутся над морем и на дно его готовы спрятать ужас свой пред бурей.//И гагары тоже стонут, - им, гагарам, недоступно наслажденье битвой жизни: гром ударов их пугает.//Глупый пингвин робко прячет тело жирное в утесах... Только гордый Буревестник реет смело и свободно над седым от пены морем!//Всё мрачней и ниже тучи опускаются над морем, и поют, и рвутся волны к высоте навстречу грому.//Гром грохочет. В пене гнева стонут волны, с ветром споря. Вот охватывает ветер стаи волн объятьем крепким и бросает их с размаху в дикой злобе на утесы, разбивая в пыль и брызги изумрудные громады.//Буревестник с криком реет, черной молнии подобный, как стрела пронзает тучи, пену воли крылом срывает.//Вот он носится, как демон, - гордый, черный демон бури, - и смеется, и рыдает... Он над тучами смеется, он от радости рыдает!//В гневе грома, - чуткий демон, - он давно усталость слышит, он уверен, что не скроют тучи солнца, - нет, не скроют!//Ветер воет... Гром грохочет...//Синим пламенем пылают стаи туч над бездной моря. Море ловит стрелы молний и в своей пучине гасит. Точно огненные змеи, вьются в море, исчезая, отраженья этих молний.//-Буря! Скоро грянет буря!//Это смелый Буревестник гордо реет между молний над ревущим гневно морем; то кричит пророк победы://- Пусть сильнее грянет буря!..
Mother: `Liuba, drink your milk and sleep well!` Liuba: `I hear you, mommy`. A Russian schoolgirl learning by heart Gorky`s The song of the petrel as a book at bedtime for the tomorrow`s lesson of literature. The mise-en-scène is performed by Liubov Glushkova, 11 years old. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=01nOHBuAnhY Maxim Gorky THE SONG OF THE STORMY PETREL
Up above the grey sea surface wind starts gathering the clouds. Twixt the clouds and sea surface there soars the proud petrel like the blacker-than-black lightning.
Now its wing touches a wave crest, now it upward shoots like an arrow, when it cries the clouds hear joy in that bird`s bravest outcry.
There`s a storm lust in its shouts. The savage fury, heat of battle, and dead certainty of triumph is discerned in `em by clouds.
Gulls are groaning before tempest, they are groaning, rushing `bout, they`d like on a pain of terror hide themselves under the surface.
And the loons are also moaning, they escape the joy of battle, terrified by crash of thunder.
Silly penguin`s shyly hiding its fat carcass twixt the mounts ... The free petrel`s soaring only, brave and proud, o`er the sea, grey with the whitecaps.
The black clouds o`re the ocean are meanwhile going down and down, and the singing waves are soaring up and up to meet the thunder.
Ivan Konstantinovich Aivazovsky (1817-1900)- Tenth Wave
Thunder`s rolling! Vying with the wind the waves are foaming up with wrath and howling. Here`s the wind embracing tight the trains of waves to strike them wildly cliffs and dash the em`rald giants into foam and spray, out of malice.
Like the blacker-than-black lightning the storm petrel`s streaking, crying, as an arrow spearing clouds, with its wing it`s clipping wave crests.
See it`s drifting as a demon, proud, black and stormy demon, it is laughing at the clouds, it is crying being delighted.
The keen demon has a feeling that the thunder`s wrath is fading. It is sure that the clouds will not hide the Sun forever. No, they won`t hide!Wind is howling ... Thunder`s rolling ...
Clouds above the deep are flaring with a flame of blue. Sea`s catching zigzag lightnings to extinguish them deep down. Like the fiery twisting serpents the reflections of the lightnings on the sea are quickly dying.
Tempest, soon it will break out!
It`s the brave and proud petrel that is soaring twixt the lightnings over rage of the sea tempest; it`s the prophet of the triumph, it is crying
May the gale break out stronger! (Trans. AndrewAlexandre Owie)
ROMANCING THE RUBY, OR THE JEWISH CHARMER OF THE RUSSIAN BALLET, LUCKY IN HER LIFE AND UNHAPPY WITH PEOPLE
Well, well, well! Who was our Ruby and Jewish charmer of the Russian ballet? There was just one such person, Ida Rubinstein (Lidiya Lvovna Rubinstein) (1883-1960) who used to paint her lips ruby (`She had a mouth of the wounded lioness`, Valentin Serov), started to learn ballet aged 26 and despite this contrived to become one the brigtest superstars of the Russian ballet being sooner an undertrained extra rather than a first-rate ballerina. Mostly she stroke effective statuesque poses and made graceful movements wearing the breath-taking costumes or having got no costume at all except for the pearl beads. Great Russian artist Valentin Serov called her `a revived ancient bás-relief `. She anticipated many great international pop divas! The contempary ballerinas, however, said that she had been `a woman disposing the large sums and seeking an opportunity to find a use for her lack of talent!` They also said that Ida had dominated the stage due to her large stature and excellent costume and regal bearing. It attracted artists in Russia and abroad.
Photo of Ida (Lidiya Lvovna) Rubinstein
She was an elegant and rich daughter of a Russian Jewish billionaire, was never hard up, was real big on publicity, anticipated many artistic personalities like Isadora Duncan and Mata Hari. Unlike them she not only `danced` exotic dances (sometimes being naked as in her dance of seven sliding covers in Oscar Wild`s Salomé), but also was a semiprofessional ballet extra who managed to become a ballet star of her time only owing to her plastique rather than to dance. By the way, her ballet teacher was Michael Fokin himself.
Ida (short for Lidia in her case) had been driving mad many a males throughout Europe, had got a short lesbian and ménage à trois experience and came to rather a quick conclusion that she needs none, neither men nor women except for her herself and the art, and sports, and permanent succession of impressions.
She went on a safari and shot lions in Africa and bears and deers in Norway, crossed the Alps by personal biplane she`d bought for that purpose, liked hiking and had a luxury yacht and other billionaire`s paraphernalia. She was cultured, highly educated and sexually cool. But she could seem stupid and hot if it was necessary. She was not hypocritical, she was kind and purposeful, she was a self-made woman, extremely independent, a great lady mime and she could sell herself, and she was a successful manager of her own Russian ballet company in France.
She was loved by poets, once even filmed as an actress in the Italian movie. We owe Ravel`s bolero to her, and many masterpieces by the other composers were also inspired by her. She was painted by many great artists entirely and by piecemeal.
Sketch by Lev Bakst (1915)
Russian artist Lev Bakst who depicted Ida many times showed the material evidence of it as well as his hidden desire of being acquainted not only with her but also with her hot wet pussy (I am right, aren`t I, Dr. Freud?).
Was she beautiful? Valentin Serov`s famous picture of naked Ida shows a slender and ugly woman. But it was a stylized portrait going from realism to modernism. It was a distorting mirror of the perverse lust of Serov, his wish that never came true. He wrote: `To see Ida Rubinstein is a vital event of my life … in particular, this woman enables us to judge what a face of a human being is`. Ida was not as much slender as she was depicted by him and was not that ugly. The critics wrote: `A green frog! Dirty skeleton! A grimace of a genius! A poster! A walking symbol of the art nouveau!`
Caricature by Alexei Radakov
She had got an exotic appearance, she was kinda `Old Testament` or Orient beauty. Her photos prove her to be more quite good-looking than `average` and all the more `ugly`. Men and women in Russia, great poets and amateur ones, have been dedicating to her their poems since the start of the 20 c. She`s not through with her star, her unhappy lucky star.
Ida Rubinstein as Scheherazade by JacquesEmile Blanch (1910)
She died (it was a hear attack) in 1960 (!) in France in her villa `Les Olivades` in the Côte d'Azur (Azure Coast), in the French Riviera as a de facto Catholic nun. Born in the Kingdom and Age of Culture and Humanity she went intact through the decades of barbarism and vandalism and managed to never lose a cent. During the WW2 she revealed herself to be a competent nurse in the British military hospital.
She was born under her lucky star, good fortune, or Lord`s benevolence always sought for her and granted with a plenty of opportunities. Being a grateful daughter of His she finished her life in the lap of Christian God. The cirlce closed up. Amen.
В шумном платье муаровом, в шумном платье муаровом//По аллее олуненной Вы проходите морево...//Ваше платье изысканно, Ваша тальма лазорева,//А дорожка песочная от листвы разузорена-//Точно лапы паучные, точно мех ягуаровый.//Для утонченной женщины ночь всегда новобрачная...//Упоенье любовное Вам судьбой предназначено...//В шумном платье муаровом, в шумном платье муаровом -//Вы такая эстетная, Вы такая изящная...//Но кого же в любовники? и найдется ли пара Вам?//Ножки пледом закутайте дорогим, ягуаровым,//И, садясь комфортабельно в ландолете бензиновом,//Жизнь доверьте Вы мальчику в макинтоше резиновом,//И закройте глаза ему Вашим платьем жасминовым-//Шумным платьем муаровым, шумным платьем муаровым!..
Igor Severianin (Igor Vasiliyevich Shenshin-Lotarev) (1887-1941)
Igor Severianin KENZELS* In your rustling and watered silk, in your rustling and watered silk
You are walking the alley like the moonlit sea wave …
Dress of yours is so delicate, talma** is of the azure paint,
Leaves weave their dark tracery on the sand of you trace,
It is whether the spider web or the leopards` spots in ink.
Every night`s a new wedding for a Dame who`s exquisite …
The excitement of love seems to be your fate`s incidence … In your rustling and watered silk, in your rustling and watered silk
You are so aesthetic, you are so magnificient.
Who can then be your lover? Will you be a true match for him?
Muffle your legs up with the plaid, very costly, of jaguar,
And reclining with comfort in your landau (gas-powered), ['lændɔː]
Trust your life to a boy in his mackintosh*** (buttoned up),
Close his eyes with your jasmine frock (slidable), With your rustling and watered silk, with your rustling moire****!.. [mwɑː]
1910 (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
COMMENTS * Kenzel is an Igor Severianin original poetic verse of 15 lines being usually divided into three five-line stanzas where the first line repeats itself as the 8th one (the central one) and the 15th (the final one) to create the `reflectivity` of the verse. Later this verse was often used by Andrei Voznesensky. Some sources, however, prove a kenzel (kenzle) to be an old French verse (metre) (see, for example, `Igor` Severianin `Kubok.Poems. Moscow, `Kniga`Publishing House, 1990, p. 389). If it occurs to be the truth, it won`t cancel the fact that Severianin was a great inventor of the new forms, verses, metres, like a Square of Squares or Dezel (reads like `diesel` or `Vin Diesel`).
**Talma (stressed is the first syllable) is an article of ladies` wear of the XIX-early XX cc. – loose sleeveless mantle
named after François-Joseph Talma (stressed is the last syllable), the great French actor and its creator (1763-1826).
***a mackintosh cloak , a waterproof raincoat made of rubberized cloth invented by Charles Macintosh (1766-1865) in 1823.
Charles Macintosh
****watered silk, moire, tabby are names if the same tissue. Also tabby is a tabby cat with mottled fir like that of a jaguar.
*Moire dress is a rustling watered silk frock (see above, late 19 – early 20 cc.).
The poem was dedicated to the high society lionesses who are always in the centre of public attraction, who are very charming, outstanding, seem to be happy, but they feel irresistible solitude deep at their hearts. This solitude is their true nature, they don`t need either men or women who only envy of them and dream of being their friends and lovers. Those beauties are sick and tired of the fleeting romances and are not inclined to be somebody`s fool. The character of the poem needs a lover who loves, really loves her.
Photo of 1910
She opens her heart to the young mackintoshed chauffeur of her open car who sees her as she is rather than she seems to be for her milieu. One of the prototypes of that poem`s generalized character was considered to have been Ida Rubinstein in the beginning of the 20 c.
ANANAS AU CHAMPAGNE! PINEAPPLES IN CHAMPAGNE!
Увертюра Ананасы в шампанском! Ананасы в шампанском!//Удивительно вкусно, искристо и остро!//Весь я в чем-то норвежском! Весь я в чем-то испанском!//Вдохновляюсь порывно! И берусь за перо!//Стрекот аэропланов! Беги автомобилей!//Ветропросвист экспрессов! Крылолёт буеров!//Кто-то здесь зацелован! Там кого-то побили!//Ананасы в шампанском - это пульс вечеров!//В группе девушек нервных, в остром обществе дамском// Я трагедию жизни претворю в грезофарс...//Ананасы в шампанском! Ананасы в шампанском!//Из Москвы - в Нагасаки! Из Нью-Йорка - на Марс!
By Igor Severianin PINEAPPLES IN CHAMPAGNE Ananas au champagne! Ananas au champagne!*
It`s improbably tasteful, and sparkling, and piquant!
I`m in something Norwegian. In all Spanish dressed up!
In a transport of joy I take up my pen briskly!
Now the biplanes` rattle! Now the races of cars!
Now the whizzing of trains! Now the ice-yachts` flying!
This one`s covered with kisses. And that one is attacked. Ananas au champagne is a thrill of the parties.
Twixt the sensitive girls, twixt the ladies who bite,
I shall turn the life`s tragedy to the ravishing farce ... Ananas au champagne! Ananas au champagne!
From Nagasaki to Moscow. From New York right to Mars!
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
*`Ananas en champagne!` is another right variant. Choice is up to you!
Severianin`s Concert Poster
Igor Severianin preferred to write his pen name like Igor the Severianin (literally `Northener`) but it never took on, all considered `Severianin` to have been his real family name. He sided with the literary group of futurists led by Vladimir Mayakovsky. Mayakovsky used to taunt him for his style which was defined as `ego-futurism`. Even among the ego-futurists the poet was very special, seemed very funny for them, and was often laughed at. They must have envied his bankable success and tremendous popularity if not his fame.
Severianin became a poet occasionally, Fyodor Sollogub, one of the minor classical poets, gathered the poems of unknown Severianin and had them printed just for fun, to amuse the reading public with the `foolish` verses. Lev Tolstoy read the collection of those poems and showed his rage and fury. As a result Severianin became a literary star overnight! `Jupiter, you are angry, therefore you are wrong!`
Fyodor Sollogub (in the centre), Igor Severianin (sitting to the right)
It was a formidable success! He satisfied the intimate desires of the educated readership. Like other futurists Severianin used to intendedly `broaden` the language, invented new words, new word stresses, widely used French vocabulary, he was afraid of writing `primitively, without the new metaphors and words`. He liked `beautiful` words. He wanted people to read his poems and feel almost physical, sensual pleasure and delight. Despite his form and content experiments, neologisms, occasionalisms, his poetry is very natural, it`s bizzare but easily understanable, not artificial at all. No doubt Severianin is a classical poet. Few poets can boast of their poems being well-known for everybody in their country. Yet it`s still being considered to be not `serious` and treated ironically. In vain, in my humble opinon. On the other hand, it proves that his poetry is alive, people are not indifferent, they read Severianin who died in 1941.
Unlike many poets he paid much, if not special attention to clothes in his poetry.
Young Vladimir Mayakovsky
He was irreplaceable as well as an ideas suggester among the futurists. Subconsciously Severianin used a method of the `cognitive dissonance` in his poetry but not to make discomfort, vice versa. Paradoxically, but his poetry make us, his readers, return to our internal consistency and combine the incombinable, feel comfort and joy of life, love. His direct predecessors in the Russian literature were French decadents, Afanasiy Foeth-Shenshin (born from German father Foeth and Russian mother Shenshina) (Severianin` mother`s grandad was also Shenshin), Konstantin Fofanov, Mirra Lokhvitskaya (Maria Alexandrovna Lokhvitskaya), and his literary offspring was Osip Mandelstamm.
Caricature of Igor Severianin as a `commercial` poet
The most famous quotation of Severianin is `To hit the other person means to consider him to be your equal, so, maybe, for this very reason I never ever hit anybody in my life!` He couldn`t stay in post-Revolutionary Moscow like Mayakovsky who once said to Severianin: `How can you consider yourself to be a poet being an embodiment of `schmoopiness` chirping like a quail!` Long before the tragic end of the Silver Age of the Russian poetry Mayakovsky responsed to the `Pineapples` by Severianin with his no less classical lines: "Ешь ананасы, рябчиков жуй,//День твой последний приходит, буржуй!"
`Eat up your pineapples, your fried hazel-hens chew!
The last day of yours, bourgeois, gonna come very soon!`
Of course, he meant not Severianin, but the rare success of Severianin`s `Pinapple in Champagne` that expressed the then time and mentality to the full extent. Soon time of Igor came to its end, there began the time of Mayakovsky. After the Revolution Severianin moved to Tallinn in Estonia. He and Mayakovsky only met abroad, mostly in Berlin. Generous, boisterous Mayakovsky supported Severianin with money, arranged his concerts. From Severianin`s diaries: `Berlin. Late October 1922. Mayakovsky: `Haven`t you recognized me, Igor Vasiliyevich?` We are both very pleased to see each other. Mayakovsky is accompanied by Boris Pasternak`.
THE RUSSIAN BALLET: WHAT HAPPENS IF FRAU FARBISSINA REVISITED?
THE BALLET MISTRESS Let`s imagine that the brutal substituting ballet mistress of the old school, from aul lang syne was sent to a ballet company to supervise the exercising at a portable barre. Ballet Mistress: Have a nice warm-up! Have you warmed up? I see that you haven`t. In my time it was impossible to enter the class, strong smell of sweat used to lock up the door! Now, fall in, you lot! Ballerina: I`m sorry! Where`s our ballet master Ostap Theodorovich? Ballet Mistress: Ostap Theodorovich went to the morgue! He`ll be back in a couple of days. Hell! None needs him there longer! So the current exercising at the barres will be supervised by me, People`s Artist of Udmurtia Re-pub-lic Lidya Olegovna Beakina! Male Dancer: Oh, my God! Ballet Mistress: Whist! Or else I bite off your mouth! Ah-ah-ah! During your practicing I must only hear the squeaking of your joints and music playing by our accompanist Iraïda Semyonovna Outoftunesky! (after noticing a male dancer wearing his T-shirt) What`s this, eh! What is this? My rule number one is you must never wear anything unnecessary in ballet class! Just fancy if I also refuse to go commando during the exercises! If it were true it would be a circus rather than ballet! ... Iraïda Semyonovna, my dear, little music, will you, for our muscle stretch! And one, and two, and three, plié, one, two, grand plié, your scrotums must fall apart at the seams! One, two, three, four, oh! yours not very big!, five, six, seven ... oh, it`s a size! (addressing the ballerina): Here`s a mug! Ugly one! One-two! Here`s a mug! Ballerina : Mind your vocabulary, will you?! Ballet Mistress: Music, stop! Music stop!!! Well, repeat what you`ve said a capella! Ballerina : First you should learn to talk with the prima of this theatre! How should you talk, ma`am? Tell me! Ballet Mistress: Loudly! Should I repeat it loudly so that you could believe your fat ears? Ballerina : It`s untrue! My weight is just thirty seven kilograms! Ballet Mistress: Have you all heard this? 37 kg! Fat-so! Pig-gy! Got it? If to cut off your cheeks 800 persons will be fed up! I never had more than 16 kg, because I always thought about my partners! Ballerina: Really? So why have you neglected yourself by now? Ballet Mistress: Iraïda Semyonovna, you are a witness. Just look the way the young child`s scolding me! Do not teach your mom to suck …! ... You! (addressing a male dancer) You come here! Lift me now! Male Dancer: I can`t. I have a hernia! Ballet Mistress: Your hernia is standing there and weighs 37 kg! So come on! Ready, steady, go! Hold me, hold tight! Shame on you! Shame! Those fragile male dancers! Half a male I`d seen before. Take their genitals alone, they could not get into a contrabass` case! As result they had to book a private compartment, a dancer was on the upper berth while his genitals on the lower one! Just to admire them conductor used to fetch three glasses of tea and waffles three times at a time! Iraïda Semyonovna, `The Swan` please! (while dancing) I remember the Lithuanian choreographer Dirtis Harrassmentis who staged this number for me! I turned round like a mad sparkle though I felt giddy as my vestibular apparatus was out of order! Now also beware of it! I didn`t recover from this indisposition of mine up to now! That time, however, I fell into the orchestra pit as a drunk panda, but managed to scramble out of it and danced all the way! Alas, the orchestra had to play without one flute! Male Dancer: What happened with the flute? Ballet Mistress: None of your business! Ballerina : (examining the ballet mistress from her back to behind) Fie! It`s disgusting! Ballet Mistress: Fie is for you! I can`t look at your depot fat any more! Get out! Leave the sacred boundaries of the art! Male Dancer: Have a here, ma`am! What are you doing? She is the star of our company! We are going to dance with her in Zuerich! Ballet Mistress: I am used to twist such stars around my pen... finger in a tempo of fouetté , 33 times at a time! Got it? Male Dancers: Don`t you take liberties? Who you? We are not going to have anything to do with you! Ballet Mistress: Shud up! Lie down! Let`s repeat a fragment from the ballet by our great Harrassmentis! I mean the scene with the rolling mill and a pig! Come on, boys! You can carry this pig! Music!!! Evenly! Do not pull in your bulges! THE END
A WINTER NIGHT DREAM WITH GRANNY`S CARE AND CUPID`S TRICKS
A MAN IS KNOWN BY THE CLOTHES HE WEARS IN WINTER
Once upon a time, i.e. 29 December 2014, while looking through The Guardian I happened to read the the article by Natalia Antonova `Vodka, mittens and sex – a Russian’s guide to surviving the cold` with the following comments. A couple of readers` remarks made me laugh a lot and made me remember one of the brilliant sketches staged by the comic group `The Ural Meat Dumplings` from Yekateringburg. First I wanna share the comment with you, then the sketch gonna follow it. #1: `My mum is half-Russian and she swore by a nip of vodka before going out into cold weather. She also taught me to wear wool socks, then a plastic bag over each foot, then another pair of socks over the whole thing. I still do it and it works brilliantly, although I'm not certain it was a Russian thing or her own invention. :)` (It was, it was a Russian thing! – AAO)
#2: `My mother always made my sister and I do the wool-sock-in-a-plastic-bag and another wool sock on over it all, too, when we were kids. I still do it whenever I go skiing or snowshoeing. It's the only way! Another reason Russians on to their plastic bags!`
The Ural Meat Dumplings (Yekaterinburg, Urals) `GRANNY`S DRESSING HER GRANDSON` Boy: Grandma! I want to have my T-shirt ironed. I gonna visit Nick`s Birthday party, to be short! With Seryoga ! (Seryoga is an informal form of Russian name Sergei). Old Lady: With Sergei? Nick`s birthday, aha .. Are girls invited too? Boy: Duh! Old Lady: Then put on your shirt! Boy: No, I gonna wear T-shirt instead. Old Lady: Both your T-shirt and shirt! The shirt over it! Boy: Why? I don`t want to. Nothing short of a shirt! Old Lady (not paying attention to his remarks): Girls gonna say `What a handsome boy he is! He came wearing his shirt!` Boy: I feel like a stupid oaf! The shirt! I dance in the nightclubs, after all. I don`t wear shirts!
The way the guys dance – Parody performed by Ignat Tagiyev. The music video contains 27 dancing styles! Ignat Tagiyev: `After observing the the night clubs` dancing styles I`ve singled out 25 ways of men`s dancing. And you, which way do you dance?` 1. Tempter 2. Disco Dancer 3. Nerd 4. Macho 5. Mobster 6. Positive Guy 7. Male hunting females 8. Highlander 9. Having fun 10. Off the topic 11. Alky 12. Incognito 13. Timeless 14. Tectonic 15. Prime Minister (Dmitri Medvedev) 16. Gangnam Style 17. Drug-addict 18. Singer 19. Stripper 20. Cowboy 21. Getting intoxicated 22. Till one drops 23. Gay 24. Trainer 25. Poser 26. Boxer 27. Prince Albert Hall, are you ready for this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNVo-iZsRRc&feature=player_detailpage
Old Lady (still not paying attention to the grandson`s remarks): Tarry awhile! I`ll fetch a tie. Boy: A tie?! Old Lady: It`s but the Birthday party, an event, it means something! Boy: All the same I`ll untie it later. Old Lady: Just try me! (They are wrangling with each other) Boy: Fuck! I`m a freak, aren`t I? Old Lady: What a handsome guy you are now! Wow! Wait, what are you doing? Why are you taking off your tracksuit trousers! Boy: Gonna wear my jeans. Old Lady: Wear your jeans over the tracksuit trousers! Boy: Granny! Stop it! Old Lady: Granny, granny! Just think what time it gonna take to reach Kolka`s home. (Kol`ka is an informal name of Nikolai, Nick). Having got no trousers under the jeans may threaten your little bells! Frost! Wanna pee then at every turn? Boy: But granny! Old Lady: What? Your granddad wore a double pair of trousers every single moment of his life and lived till his 90 years old. He was even buried wearing that double pair! Boy: I won`t be able to get into the jeans! Old Lady: What jeans! Are you going to join Nick`s Birthday party or to go and work in a greengrocery? You should get on the new trousers, very good and even ironed ones. Your granddad had been wearing `em since the WW2`s end. Boy: What`s this, just tell me! Old Lady: It`s the crêpe de Chine! None can wear them out! Put them on, I cannot but insist! Just look - it`s so nice! Go on! Don`t stop. Never forget to zip your fly front, or else your cock gonna fly far, faraway! Well! Now all`s right, but the underpants could have been even longer to keep your small of the back warm! Boy: I doubt that my little bells are of any use for me after I`d been dressed like that! Besides I gonna feel double hot inside!
The Ural Meat Dumplings (Yekaterinburg, Urals)
Old Lady: If you feel too hot at the party be free to take off one of your trousers! Boy: Then where will I place them there? Old Lady: Put them into your fur cap! They`ll be safe and sound and never lost! Your cap, just look at it, is new! Rabbit skin! Before you only a bunny had worn it! Boy: I won`t go anywhere while wearing that dress! Old Lady: Just try me! I`ll phone your mother! Boy: I`ll do it myself first! I wish you hadn`t come here from your Zhitomir ... (a town in Ukraine). Mom, hi! Tell her, I`m kinda hare here .. Granny, take the cell phone! Mom`s speaking! Old Lady: Hi, Natasha! Have you eaten your soup? Aha! Have you drunk your tea-mushroom? Yes-yes, it`s tasty, yes! What! (flying into a passion): I`ve brought you up very healthy, now it`s him that I want to bring up healthy too! I say! Well. (handing the cell phone to her grandson). Boy: Mom, why, mom? Old Lady: Gimme you left leg! One, two! Boy: What`s this? Old Lady: They`re knee-high felt boots! The trousers never become the trainers, after all! Boy: Felt boots, are they all the go as you think? Old Lady: They are good for every dress. Lemme roll them down to prevent snow`s penetration. Boy: I won`t go anywhere! Old Lady: That`s even better! Why to go anywhere? Better stay at home and breathe in the steam of the boiling potato peelings to prevent the flu! Then I`ll ask you to hold the woollen yarn for me on your hands spread apart. Then the time will have come to go to bed.
Boy: Oh no! I`ve been already put down for the granny-like way I behave. Now they are to laugh about the way I`m dressed like a fool on a hill! Old Lady: Your grandad was a laughing-stock as well until his 60 years old. Boy: And then? Old Lady: Then all the laughing persons passed away! Everytime he had to visit the graveyard he laughed all alone glancing at their tombstones! Wait, wait! Take off that silk stranglehold! Boy: It`s a fashionable silk scarf! Old Lady: I wove a scarf from the wool you held on your hands spread apart. Boy: My silk scarf was woven by the silkworms. Old Lady: Will the silkworms be your doctor if you have caught cold, eh? Are you ready to live in their cocoonery? Boy: Where`s my down-padded coat? Old Lady: It won`t do either. Outerwear ought to be different! Like this! Boy: Are you crazy, grandma? I`d rather wear my down-padded coat! Old Lady: Down-padded coat? It`s you who are crazy. Frost ouside. Minus six degrees Celsius! … (shaking out the granddad`s shipskin coat) Now everything`s good. My God, moth`s flown out! (she`s slapped it). Oi! Boy: Heart attack? Old Lady: Nope. I can`t bear it anymore. My grandson`s the most handsome! The image of his granddad. But remember, my dear, clothes count for first impressions! Boy: I`m afraid that due to my clothes I won`t be loved at first sight! Old Lady: What are going to present the guy who`s celebrated today? Boy: We made up our minds to club together 500 rubles per head as our common gift. Old Lady: What fools! 500 rubles! This is a big sum! One can buy a pair of felt boots! Let them present him money! As to you, take this book as a gift for him! Boy: What book? Old Lady: `Hospitalitoff. How to be a social mixer!` I`ve got a lot of books. Birthday gifts for your granddad.
(Doorbell is ringing) Friend of the Boy: Hello, Christina Agilerovna! Old Lady: Oh, it`s you little Vitaly! I see that your grandmother has also come to you! (he`s nodding). Friend of the Boy: Like hell she has. Dimka (informal from Dmitri): What book have you got? I`ve got like this. Boy: Mine`s like that. Grandma, finish! We gonna go! Old Lady: Bon voyage! Godspeed! Hold on, you dudines! The males gonna hunt on you! THE END(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The ways to dance twosome – Stacey Berezovskaya and Ignat Tagiyev. 24 selected parodies of the Moscow nightclubs twosomes: 1. She's not that kind of a doll 2. You`re loaded again! 3. Sticking like glue 4. Simultaneous 5. Tis my chick 6. Henpecked hubby 7. What`s up? 8. Ballroom dancers 9. I`ve picked up a boy! 10. Attended a week of salsa 11. Mistress and her Page 12. Professional party-goers 13. Smoked something unknown!14. Meeting place 15. Mannerists 16. Temptress 17. Unfaithfulness 18. Hip hop 19. People in love 20. Hot twosome 20. She gonna go with him to the house 21. Having one drink too many 22. Zanies 23. Bubbling with life! TAILS UP! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gInFPxlm9WM&feature=player_detailpage
GALLOPING WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME: A RIMED, BLOOD FREEZING SICK JOKE AND BEAR`N`BEE HORTATIVE STORY
Friendly fighting of the Hollywood and Russian animated cartoon characters!
Andrew Alexandre Owie EXTINCTION AND THE BEE
This little creature
Has got a feature:
A tiny sting.
It bites.
This little sting!
The bee is dead.
Your finger hurts, it`s red.
Oh, little bees!
You are like peas!
Oh, red hot finger!
You are a wringer!
A fact of matter!
Extremely battered!
Creature, feature, sting!
It`s time for us to sing!
Bees, peas, a finger!
I think that bees should linger.
The little creature
Don`t be so bitchy!
Or else you`re dead!
Clap, flop, end!
Understand?
No tiny animal and thumb suffered during writing these fictional horror episodes! (above and below)
ILL-TIMED BORIS
A bear who woke up with a dreadful hangover after New Year`s Day saw a little creature on his palm. He asked the creature: `Who you, honey?`
The creature answered: `I`m Boris the Bee!`
The bear ground it into dust with his thumb on the surface of his vast palm and uttered rather apologetically: `I feel ill, Boris!`
FROM THE MOUTH OF AN IDIOT: BEAUTY WILL SAVE THE WORLD
Semyon Slepakov and Grigoriy Leps
С тобою иногда на свете самый счастливый я,//А иногда судьбу свою неистово проклинаю. Yeah!//Ты очень, очень, очень, очень, очень, очень красивая;//Но очень, очень, очень, очень, очень, очень тупая.//Когда с тобою я где-то появляюсь все мне завидуют,//Но через пять минут жалеть меня начинают.//Сначала потому, что ты очень, очень красивая,//А после потому, что ты очень тупая. //Очень красивая, очень тупая.//Не даёт мне послать тебя "На..." природа мужская.//Очень красивая, очень красивая,//И мой Ангел с Небес, и моё ты проклятье, любимая. //За нашу встречу Богу ежедневно твержу: //"Спасибо" я.//Но мысль одна мне по ночам не даёт покоя: //С какою целью Он создал что-то настолько красивое,//Которое при этом настолько же точно тупое.//Возможно от создания тебя дела отвлекли его, //Возможно он спасал ребёнка из-под трамвая. //И вот, теперь, ты очень, очень, очень, очень красивая -//Спасён ребёнок, но ты очень, очень тупая.
Очень красивая, очень тупая. //О, Боже, скажи мне, за что я грехи искупаю?//Красотка тупая, тупица красивая.//Без тебя жизнь нелепа, а с тобой она невыносимая.//Ты прекрасней луны и тупее бревна! //Ты прекрасней весны, но не знаешь, //Как пишется слово весна, и другие слова.//Извини - через Е, 3x7 = 22…//Для одной только цели подходит твоя голова. //Да, и главный плюс, что в этот момент твоя голова//Не в состоянии произносить тупые слова… //Очень красивая, очень тупая.//Очень красивая и очень красивая, очень тупая.//Скажи, слышь, тупая - тебя я бросаю, //Ищу в себе силы я, но увидев тебя говорю: //"Ты очень красивая, //Ты очень красивая, ты очень красивая, красивая ваще, //Но очень тупая…"
Mixed martial art fighter Alexandre Yemeliyanenko
This song is sung by its author Semyon Slepakov and Grigoriy Leps. The President, Artistic Leader and Chief Emcee of the Comedy Club Garik Martirosyan has announced before it started, `Now Semyon Slepakov, the song writer, is on the stage. Grisha, if that's the case, I can disclose that they were secretly rehearsing in your absence.
Alexandre Yemeliyanenko, he is a baker in his civilian life
(Seeing Grisha and Semyon`s friendly hug he says about Semyon) Just look at this replica of Alexandre Yemeliyanenko with the guitar! (Alexandre Yemeliyanenko is a giant and bearded mixed martial art fighter from Russia. - AAO). I gonna divulge an open secret that it`s a very beautiful, but very stupid song!`
Lyrics and Music by Semyon Slepakov YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL
To be with you often makes me feel too fortunate.
Sometimes, however, I feel fooled by mean Cupid (Yeah!)
You are very nice, very nice, very nice and improbably beautiful,
You are very dumb, very dumb, very dumb and incredibly stupid.
When seeing us in public everybody starts feeling inferior.
Just five minutes later they can`t help supporting me dearly.
First time just because you are awfully, shockingly beautiful,
Then due to the fact that you`re awfully, perfectly stupid.
Improbably pretty, incredibly stupid,
I can`t say to you, `Hop off, dear!`Being a male I`m your groupie.
Improbably pretty, incredibly beautiful,
I am over the moon with you and I am cursed with you, truly!
I am grateful to Lord for our meeting, I always say `Thank you!`
But one thought often makes me awake in the darkness:
`What`s the purpose of creating a woman who is so good-looking
If she`s stupid all right as much as she is beautiful?`
Perhaps, while creating you God was distracted,
Or He noticed a child on the rail-tracks and briskly intruded.
Since then you`ve become very nice, very nice, very nice and exclusively beautiful,
But then you`ve remained very dumb, very dumb, very dumb and incredibly stupid.
You`re very beautiful, you are very stupid,
O Lord, did I do anything to deserve anyone so goofy?
A dumb beauty she is, and a beautiful fool,
I can`t live without her, `cuz she is my life doom.
You are pretty as Moon, you`re as daft as a brush!
You are pretty as Spring, but you don`t know
How to spell it although you are lush.
Three times seven just makes in your head twenty five,
So your head seems to be rather narrowly specialized.
It's an ill wind that blows nobody good, sic!
So while doing that job you can`t say at the least your dull things.
You are very beautiful, but you are very stupid,
Improbably beautiful and incredibly stupid,
I say, wanna leave you, for you are so goofy,
But having for it no strength, I say seeing you:
`You are very beautiful,
You are very beautiful, you`re very pretty, oh yeah!
But you are very stupid …` (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
BEAUTY AND THE FEAST, OR THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING GENTLE AND A MAN
A common mistake which is often made by guys encountering a beautiful girl is that they start treating her as a princess or fairy or precious vase. It severly irritates the girls. They get tired very soon. They began to behave like furies and one day they say to you: `That`s it!`
Beautiful and clever actress Nastasya Samburskaya (Настасья Самбурская) playing a girl who are glad to seem an ugly and fool all right (singing: May they tell that I am ungly ...`) just to be left alone at last. She says in the end: `It`s all over!` http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iVj62ZHvJ0&feature=player_detailpage
But even the most beautiful girls are just ordinary human beings rather than extraterrestrials.
Nastasya Samburskaya (Настасья Самбурская), the young Russian TV and cinema star on her human nature. She`s kidding, yet there`s a bit of the truth in her joke.
-Yes, I`ve got baggy eyes because I cry during the rehearsals.
-I`ve got a crooked tooth just because I am unlucky!
-Believe me or not, but sometimes I do caca! I am not a fairy! Bwa-a-a! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVhOM7nqVNE&feature=player_detailpage
So don`t try to be spacemen in the Earth, be simply men though gentlemen! Once in a Russian village I met a young criminal guy, real Apollo by his constitution, who kept winning girl`s hearts (they were students of the Agrarian University from Moscow) by his exclusively good manners and sweet temper. He wasn`t an evil or cruel man. He was a natural born gentleman, a very tactful man of decision.
On Santa Claus` chest: `Happy New Year!`
In connection with this I can`t help remembering the TV show `Foreplay` by Serge Gorely (actor Sergei Gorelikov). He also played one of the USB boys Turbo (see in the previous posts of mine).
SERGE GORELY`S GOOD MANNERS SCHOOL FOR MEN – AT THE BALLET THEATRE
Ciao! My name is Serge Gorely, and this my show Foreplay. Many women love ballet, and men have to put up with it while paying court to their chosen ones. But if you follow a series of my unique rules, then after several intolerable acts of a ballet performance you`ll get a chance to take part in a more pleasant act. The first obstacle in a way to making love after the theatre is a cloak-room. Having entered it you should behave like a true gentleman. DON`TS: DON`T jump the queue pulling you girlfriend along and DON`T push apart other ladies and gentlemen, DON`T rake out small change out of your pockets, explaining your measures of precaution like this: `What if this place occurs to be a Mickey Mouse outfit!` DON`T say to a cloakroom attendant: `Just give a try to put your hand into our pockets! I`ll break your arms!` DON`T be too self-confident when hearing an unfamiliar offer: Attendant: `Would you like to have a copy of libretto?` You `What? A no-no! I`ve just had eaten my soup at home.`
DOS: Gorely: Standing in the queue to the cloak-room grants you with an opportunity to talk with the interesting people and make a brilliant display of eloquence relating to the art of ballet that will also impress your girl. You: `.. in particular when the dancers make their grand battement which is followed by the grand plié and after that they transform it into the half-turns (pirouettes) of the en dehors and en dedans with the change of their legs. Ballet fan: (admiringly): I see that the younger generation knows much about the ballet matters too! DON`T respond him in that way: `This ballet is a real son of a bitch!`
Gorely: After the cloak-room you should go right to the auditorium and wait for the beginning of the show trying to never harrassing anybody. DON`T leave the hall during the performance as far as possible. DON`T be noisy or giggling. Next seat gentleman: `Be quiet, will you?` DON`T interfere with other people even if you are sick and tired, and DON`T explain the reason of your being away in loud: You: `Pardon me! Gonna go and take a leak!` DON`T smoke and ask people to take pictures of you: You (to a stranger from the row behind): `I say, dude, click us!` (to your girl): `Come on, move!` You: (returning from the WC, rather cheerfully, to all): `I have taken a leak!`
Gorely: Do not tell your girl at once that you had never been at the ballet theatre. Behave as a true ballet expert! But don`t go too far! Your screams and shouts shouldn`t be afield! You: `It`s simply the Nutcracker!` You: `Just look at those dudes wearing tights!` You: `Just look at their penises! It`s a size!`
DOS Applause and shout: `Bravo! Encore!` only along with the educated audience. DON`T mix ballet with the stadium and DON`T cry: Volochkova! (the only name of a ballerina you know!)
Gorely: During the performance look the other, interested way if you have a tedious time! DON`T play your video game device. DON`T let out ridiculous sounds and DON`T nudge anybody! DON`T ring up anybody. You (by cell phone): `I told you thousands times that I no longer sell cocos! Hydroponics? Yep, there`s ...` DON`T sleep and snore even with your eyes wide open or with your head placed on the knees of your girl or your neigbour! DON`T jump out of your be... eh, seat and cry:`Have you just seen his having jumped like a flea?!`Otherwise the ballet fans may beat you all together black and blue with their canes and opera glasses! And, by the way, they will be right! DO!!!: Gorely: Last but no least. When performance is over, while leaving the theatre together with your girl, you should tell her the truth that you`ve kept concealing since the very moment of your first meeting: You: `You know, frankly speaking, I don`t understand anything in the art of ballet, I just wanted to spend with you as much of my time as possible`. Gorely: And never forget the golden rule of Serge Gorely: Fall in love with your girl, and then she`ll fall in love with you! This was my show Foreplay! Ciao!
HAPPENING IN THE ALMA MATER: REHEARSAL OF A MUSICLE
Mise-en-scène: The Showdown (The Rehearsal of a Musicle) Ignat: Yes, yes! Of course! Stacey: Please, do listen to me! Ignat: Haven`t I told you ... What`s next? What will you do? Stacey: I`ll never ever go to disco club with you. You always put off with your jests! Ignat: For exanple, please! Stacey: For example, you keep humilating me! You abuse and insult me! Didn`t your mom teach you good manners? Ignat: (clownishly) We`ve got no mom! We are from the poor! Stacey: What`s happening with you? Earlier you called me your super, cool girl, what`s now? Ignat: Yes, I did! I called you so, I did! So what? Stacey: Well, I gonna give the last chance! Say! Do you love me or not? Ignat: No-ope! Stacey: Ha-ha-ha! But I need a direct answer! Ignat: O Lord! You know ... I`ll tell you just one and the same thing! (singing)
How could you believe me that I do love you? Don`t you know that I lie all the time? Stacey: (singing) If you are a liar, then you are telling lies right now as well. Ignat: How can I prove you that this very time I am not telling you lies? Stacey: I can`t believe you `cuz you told lies so many times. Did you lie me when you promised to marry me? Ignat: What?! Me... to marry you? I`ll never marry anybody. It would be just as well if I drown myself ... Stacey: These words are so familiar with me .. I used to hear it! (singing in English) Ignat: (again in Russian) I`d like to live all my life as I want to! Stacey: But you promised me! I`m giving you the last chance! Ignat: (in English) But I`m a liar! Stacey: I don`t know what you are talking about! L`in chorus: Yes, I`m the most famous deceiver! Stacey (after their fist-fighting): And now are you a liar? (dealing the final blow to him).
IT`S SNOWING, IT`S SNOWING
The song `It`s snowing, it`s snowing` («А снег идет, а снег идет») is one of the most famous Russian New Year songs, an evergreen song created in the 60s of the 20 c. Initially, it was just a part of the score of the feature film `The Career of Dima Gorin` («Карьера Димы Горина») (1961), but then the film was forgotten unlike the very song.
Poet Yevgeniy Yevtushenko and composer Andrei Eshpai
Poem was written by Evgeniy Alexandrovich Yevtushenko (born in 1932), the greatest Russian poet of the second half of the 20 c. The catchy, heartfelt melody of the song was composed by Andrei Yakovlevich Eshpai (born in 1925) from the Mariy El Republic, one of the Finno-Ugric ones of the Russian Federation. The poet wrote that poem immediately, at one go, after hearing music that had been created beforehand.
Iconic Russian singer Maya Kristalinskaya
By the way, the success of the song was closely linked with its first and still best perfomer Maya Kristalinskayan (1932-1985). She was a Russian pop superstar of the 60-70s. That lady had to lead a lifelong silent struggle with her almost life-long cancer. She had been keeping it in secret from her colleagues and public for the most part of her artistic career.
А снег идёт, а снег идёт,//И всё вокруг чего-то ждёт,//Под этот снег, под тихий снег//Хочу сказать при всех://«Мой самый главный человек,//Взгляни со мной на этот снег,//Он чист, как то, о чём молчу,//О чём сказать хочу».//Кто мне любовь мою принес,//Наверно, добрый Дед Мороз,//Когда в окно с тобой смотрю,//Я снег благодарю. //А снег идёт, а снег идёт,//И все мерцает и плывёт,//За то, что ты в моей судьбе,//Спасибо, снег, тебе.
Lyrics by Evegeniy Yevtushenko,
Music by Andrei Eshpai IT`SNOWING, IT`S SNOWING Refrain:
It`s snowing, it`s snowing,
And all around is glowing,
This snowfall, this quiet snow
Makes me tell what I trow:
`You are my very precious man,
Look at this snow with me again,
It`s clean as what I`d like to say,
What I conceal in vain`.
Who keeps my love when snow falls?
It must be liberal Santa Claus!
Now that it snows outside
I thank him for our love.
Refrain (twice):
It`s snowing, it`s snowing,
And all`s around going!
It`s for I destined to meet you
That I bless snow anew. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
GUEST STAR IN THE MUPPET SHOW
Evening Fairy Tale with Anfisa Chekhova - from `The Distorting Mirror` # 42 ("Вечерняя сказка с Анфисой Чеховой" (Полная версия) - `Кривое Зеркало`- Выпуск 42 https://youtu.be/X37MZVoOvCA
What happens if the anchorwoman of the erotic talk show will have to suddenly substitute the person who leads the TV programme for the little ones? The actors of the Evgeniy Petrosian`s theatrical company `The Distorting Mirror` created a humorous scene of that situation since there are both kinds of the TV programmes in Russia. Russian TV Diva Anfisa Chekhova who had been a mistress of her own erotic show for several years became a prototype of the sketch played by actors Igor` Christenko [hri-] (Anfisa), Alexandre Morozov (Piglet) and Mikhail Cieriszenko [tserish-](Bunny). The main character of the scene Anfisa was invited to the children`s programme `Good Night, Little Ones!` That programme including actor and muppets (a piglet, bunny and crow) has been existing for decades in Russia. It teaches preschoolers, plays with them and after that they`re shown a animated cartoon.
Anfisa Chekhova
THE EVENING FAIRY TALE WITH ANFISA CHEKHOVA, OR ANFISA VS. PUPPETS Anfisa: Hello, my dear small animals! Puppets: Hello, aunt Anfisa! Anfisa: Why have you got such a tiny table, no room for placing anybody`s upperparts? So, kids, the title of our current broadcast is `Foreplay`! … Sorry, it`s a title of my other programme. I`m a dual jobholder now, so I got mixed up! (to Bunny): Please put in my mind who you! Bunny: Stevie! Anfisa: (to another muppet) So, well, you seem to be a bunny! What are we to do in accordance with the plan of this programme? Bunny: Today, aunt Anfisa, we learn the ABC`s letters! (addressing to televiewers) Yesterday, boys and girls, we were learning consonants! Do you agree? Anfisa: I say, if the girls agree, what to learn then? Stuff and nonsense! Piglet: Today, girls and boys, we are going to learn the vowels! Anfisa: I`ve grasped it! O.K., pass me those cards! Now, girls and boys, let`s start learning the vowels! They sound like this: Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh!Oh! Oo! Oo! Oo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Piglet: Yo! Anfisa: You should pronounce this in that way: `Yo-o-o-o! Ee! Ee! Ee!` Yes, there were cases when I exactly screamed `Ee-e-ee!` Bunny: What about me? Anfisa: You`re still too little to think of such things. Piglet: Aunt Anfisa, we use this thing to write down letters! Anfisa: Luv it! May I take it home to write down something a little? I need it! Badly! Piglet: Besides we should explain the kids ... Anfisa: The kids do not need any explanation! They`ve been educated since the age of five! And what is this? Bunny: Aunt Anfisa! It`s a toy pyramidion! Anfisa: Oh! Luv it! What if I could take it home to play a little? Bunny: You`re welcome! Anfisa: Where to insert batteries into? Bunny: It`s not battery-powered! Anfisa: Then it`s forever! Gonna take it home to have some fun! I need it! Badly! What`s next? Bunny: Aunt Anfisa, it`s a magic clock dial! We use it to teach children to know what time is! For instance, if we are going to teach the children what is five thirty ... (five thirty means as well `he can`t keep it up!`, `impotence` in informal Russian) Anfisa: God forbid! I wish children could never know what half past five means! The right time is like that! Noon!
Piglet: We also play the various games! Merry numbers, guess the word ... What`s your favourite game, aunt Anfisa? Anfisa: Well, I like to play in Maiden, Mistress, Mischievous Nurse ... (to piglet) Why have you gawped at me, you animal! Piglet: Let`s then skip over the rope! Anfisa That one on the table? Piglet: Yes! Anfisa Well … Ah-ah! I`ll take it too. I need it! Badly! What about other games? Bunny: Aunt Anfisa, let`s play hide-and -seek! Anfisa What are the rules? Bunny: It`s simple. First we shall blindfold you ... Anfisa I love it, surely! Once when they blindfolded me ... I say, animals! Why are you so disgraceful? What about kidvid rules? What time is your programme on the air? Puppets: Nine p.m. Anfisa: Your programme should have been broadcasted after midnight! It should have been cable channelled! Everything`s about `doing it`! Exclusively! Chidren must be read fairy tales! Have you got any fairy tales in here? Bunny: Here they are! Anfisa: Let`s read it! `Knight Ilya of Murom touched his quiver ...` (to Bunny) Rabbit, are you crazy? Piglet: This fairy tale must be better! Anfisa: (reading)`Aladdin rubbed his lamp ..` Are you insane, you pig? Bunny: Now here is ... Anfisa:`Ivan the Prince jumped on the grey wolf`s back ...` Have you got a fairy tale without `doing it`? (to Bunny) Playboy!
Bunny: Yes, it`s `The Tale of the Stone Flower`! Anfisa: `The Mistress of the the Copper Mountain showed him her cave ...` Enough of it! My patience ran thin at last! It`s a nest of vice that is maintained in here! How dare they to critisize my own programme as shocking! It`s this very programme that is the most obscene in the world! In comparison with that of yours my programme is for the saints! What do you usually do in the end of this programme?
Piglet: In the end they are used to show ... Anfisa: Sh-sh! Shame on you! `To show` in the programme for children! Your programme should have been called `Good morning, Emmanuelle!` rather than the `Good Night, Little Ones`! As to your fairy tales I`ll take them home! I need `em! Badly! It`s a real nigtmare! A-NI-MALS!!! Bunny: Oink! Piglet! Have you understood anything? Piglet: Nope! But I see aunt Anfisa left her video! Bunny: It contains a fairy tale about lovely little horses! Piglet: Let`s play it for our audience. The little girls and boy will be glad to watch it on TV! Bunny: Let it be! Dear boys and girls, now you are going to see a new fairy tale. It`s title is `The Hot Stallions!` THE END(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Anton Lyrnik (from the Chekv Duet/Comedy Club): `Our group does not stick to the definite musical idiom, we simply play one and the same staff though every time it occurs to be different. The song we are going to perform now is dedicated to all gilrs in this hall whose name is Marina.
У моей Марины лишнего веса ни грамма,//Да, моя МАрина как будто сошла с экрана,
Но есть одна женщина, и луче Марины и проще,//Это - мама Марины,//а для меня она - просто мама. Refrain: Мама моей Марины, мама моей Марины,//Я никогда не забуду, //когда именины у мамы моей Марины,//Мама моей Марины, мама моей Марины,// Маринина лучшая половина, //Мама моей Марины, мама моей Марины!
My Marina`s body has got not a single ounce,
My sweetheart Marina looks like a girl from cover.
But there`s another woman who`s better than she`s and natural,
It`s Marina`s mother whom I address simply `Mommy`.
Refrain
Mommy of my Marina, mommy of my Marina,
I never forget about the birthday of her mommy,
Mommy of my Marina, mommy of my Marina,
My better half Marina`s mommy is a real tsarina.
Mommy of my Marina, mommy of my Marina,
Mommy of my Marina! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
LOVE POTION OF MOUNTAINS
MEN WITH BRAINS
The doctor of the mountain climbers` camp has remembered a case from his practice: `Rock. Broken helmet. I gathered the guy`s brain with a spoon. What do you think?! A month later that guy was back! He went on climbing mountains as before. His behavioural pattern remained unchanged. Now I know it for sure that, firstly, the rock climbers have got the brains, and, secondly, they do not use them!`
It`s a lie!
UP! DOWN! OUT!
The training course of mountain climbing includes the following parts: Climbing Up. Climbing Down. And Climbing Out, i.e. Walking On Crutches.
ROMEO AND JULIET – THE PARAMOUNT CO.`S VERSION Tourist: `I collect the old legends! Is there any story associated with that high mountain over there? Old resident: `Yes, there is. Once a boy and girl in love climbed its summit. Since then none has seen them. Tourist: What happened with them? Old resident: They climbed down the opposite side of the mountain.
Владимир Высоцкий: Я спросил тебя: Зачем идете в горы вы?//А ты к вершине шла, а ты рвалася в бой.// Ведь Эльбрус и с самолета видно здорово!//Рассмеялась ты и взяла с собой.//И с тех пор ты стала близкая и ласковая,//Альпинистка моя, скалолазка моя!//Первый раз меня из трещины вытаскивая,//Улыбалась ты, скалолазка моя.//А потом, за эти проклятые трещины,//Когда ужин твой я нахваливал,//Получил я две короткие затрещины//Но не обиделся, а приговаривал:// Refrain: Ох, какая же ты близкая и ласковая,//Альпинистка моя, скалолазка моя!//Каждый раз меня по трещинам выискивая,//Ты бранила меня,
You are getting to be such a stupid smile, Mona! I`ll have to describe you with it on your silly face!
//Aльпинистка моя.//А потом на каждом нашем восхождении //Ну почему ты ко мне недоверчивая?!//Страховала ты меня с наслаждением,//Альпинистка моя гуттаперчевая.c //Refrain: Ох, какая ты неблизкая, неласковая,//Альпинистка моя, скалолазка моя!//Каждый раз меня из пропасти вытаскивая,//Ты ругала меня, скалолазка моя.//За тобой тянулся из последней силы я,//До тебя уже мне рукой подать.//Вот долезу и скажу: - Довольно, милая!.//Тут сорвался вниз, но успел сказать.// Ох, какая же ты близкая и ласковая,//Альпинистка моя, скалолазка моя!//Мы теперь с тобой одной судьбою связаны//Стали оба мы скалолазами.
Lyrics and Music By Vladimir Vysotsky THE ROCK CLIMBER
Once I wondered, `What makes girls climb mountains?`
(You conquered peaks by peaks, you longed to go on!)
`Airview of Mount Elbrus is more astounding!`
You just laughed at me, saying `Come along!`
Refrain
Since that time you`ve been for me the closest one,
Mountain climber of mine, mountaineer of mine.
When removing me from my first cleft in mountains
You said no word, you just smiled awhile.
Only then for those damn clefts I tumbled down,
When I praised your meal, at our dinner time,
I was twice boxed on the ears by you, my Brownie,
Ate `my humble pie` whisp`ring all the time:
Refrain
`Oh, what a good and caring sweet girl you are!
Mountain climber of mine, mountaineer of mine!`
Every time when searching for me as my rescuer
You often swore at me as my true sweetheart.
So teamed up with you while climbing mountains,
(I don`t understand your austerity!)
You enjoyed to secure me, you did it proudly,
Mountaineer of mine, superflexible!
Refrain
`Oh, what nasty and unkind for me you are!
Mountain climber of mine, mountaineer of mine!`
Every time when searching for me as my rescuer
You often swore at me as a spoiled child.
By my eyelids I hanged* on that naked wall.
A stone`s throw was from your hands` touch.
I thought if I`d reached for her, I would say `Cheerio!`
But when I fell from there, I had time to shout:
Refrain
`Oh, what a good and caring sweet girl you are!
Mountain climber of mine, mountaineer of mine!`
How fortunate it is that you`re a rescuer,
I linked my destiny to your securing line. 1966
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
*I am `aware though that a sizeable proportion of` my `readers might prefer hung to hanged as there is a common misconception that hanged is an error. Hung Is More Popular Than Hanged (See: hanged and hung - the differencehttp://www.grammar-monster.com/
To look not too sentimental I made up my mind to drop just one drop of poison into the ointment and I am likely to have succeded in it!
LOVE ME, LOVE MY WOMAN
A pair of eagles are soaring in the sky. Suddenly they see a rock climber striking some creature and screaming: `I hate you! I hate you very much!`
One of the eagles asks the other,
-What`s it all about?
-He`s hitting the rock with a snake`s head!
-Has the snake bitten him?
-Like hell she has! It has bitten through his rubber woman.
Roland Petit, Great French Dancer
TASTES DIFFER, OR ON THE MAN`S BEST FRIENDS
Two mountain climbers got lost. Frost, snow, they`re thirsty and hungry. Suddenly a St. Bernard dog has appeared with a bottle of vodka attached to its collar. The first rock climber: Just look! It`s the man`s best friend! The second rock climber: Just look what a lovely dog has carried it!
THE LOOK OF THAT CHICK
Two rock climbers have been hungry and feeling cold in their tent for a week. The first one: I wish we had got a hot chick in here! The second one: A hot chick with a crispy thin crust!
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING OLD
There are old rock climbers, there are fearless rock climbers, but there are no fearless old rock climbers!
SECURED FROM DOWNFALL
A crow is sitting on a branch of a sequoia wearing the full alpinist rigging, i.e. carabiners, grapnels, knapsack and holding a piece of cheece in its beak. A running fox noticed the crow and said: `Oi, dear crow! What cool carabiners you`ve got, they glitter and sparkle!` Crow is inarticulate. The fox continues: `Oi, crow! Are your grapnels made of the high-quality stainless steel?` Crow is inarticulate. The fox can`t stop going on: `Oi, crow! I see your real leather knapsack! Dandy, ain`t it?` Crow is inarticulate. Fox (losing its temper): `Have a hear, you ducking scavenger! Beasts say that you`re not a rock climber, but a pretender wearing the alpinist equipment just to look special and cool! Crow (indignantly): `Duck! A pack of lies!` The cheece has fallen from its beak and hung by the end of a securing line! It impressed the fox that greatly that it made up its mind to become an alpinist too.
Vikenty Nilin (from the cycle `Animal Stories`) THE WAY WE MET EACH OTHER
Sasha was walking along the street when he saw a Rottweiler dog fucking a mongrel bitch. Or to be exact, they finished but couldn`t come uncoupled. A little poodle was hopping around them hoping to take place of the Rottweiler. The latter one, in his turn, was kept on a lead by a young woman of the rarest beauty.
-Excuse me! -she asked me. - Do you know much about dogs by chance!
-I do, but not to that extent! - I answered.
ABOUT MYSELF
I hate people who pose as cultural ones. They discuss Mozart though they`d never seen his paintings.
ON DEPUTIES AND CATS
The Russian saying goes `If a tom cat has nothing to do it starts licking its balls!`
As to deputies of the State Duma they offer new bills when they have nothing to do. When reading them you can`t help concluding that it would be better to replace the deputies with tom cats!
A POLITE EDUCATION
Bus stop. A cultural guy saying `Ladies first` is about to get the bus as the last one. Suddenly his neck is pressed by the bus doors. The bus is starting. Cultural guy: Fuck! Stop, blya! Stop your ducking terrible vehicle, you damn effing terrible mothertrucker!
The door is opening. He is stepping up smiling rather confused. Cultural guy: I am really awfully sorry, ladies and gentleman! I would have hardly said what I had said if hadn`t been startled very much. (to the driver) Forgive me, please, Sir! I was wrong.
You can`t do without visual aids while teaching the children of where babies came from!
SOME PRIZE!
The first lesson of the sex education in school. Lady teacher: Children, soon boys will take interest in girls and girls will take interest in girls (Sorry, I meant `in boys`). (What an excellent Freudian slip of mine! It`s so trend-setting, I sup`pose, now! O tempora, o mores! Amorous Age!? Or: A Morose Age? The third party might even offer another variant: `A Moronous Age!`). So the subject we are going to begin to learn now is very interesting. Vovo(a kid from an unadvantaged family): Mar`vanna! (from Maria Ivanovna), may all who have already known how to fuck go to play football, eh?
Hi, dear friends! When the Russian catch cold they drink wodka with some pepper in it. Try, and at dawn you gonna feel very healthy. The name of this cocktail is `pertsovka`. Fire water! But worth tasting. Cognac (brandy) is good when you have to go outdoors. It warms up fingers of your legs. You feel like in heaven! Wow! The caviar prices are high as always yet on New Year`s Day, Russian Xmas and Russian Old New Year`s Day they purchase it all the same. Black rye bread and caviar, yummy! Or hard-boiled eggs with the cut cones and caviar inside of the eggs (without eggshells, of course). De-licious! Salads with the ultra-expensive crabs (or with their cheap imitation, so called `crabmeat sticks`)! It`s a New Year tradition (as well as a glass of champagne with a tiny piece of chocolate in your glass)! Men sometimes prefer cognac (Dagestani or Armenian brandy). It`s very wise. They have to drink vodka then. Vodka+champange (so called `Aurora Borealis`) and brandy+champagne are the foul practices. Safety of drinking rule suggests initial drinking the weaker beverages, then only there should follow the stronger ones (it`s called `going up hill` or `drink climbing`!). Wine before brandy or vodka. Or brandy only. Or vodka only! Many a man prefer to drink vodka exclusively. Good vodka. It`s a good option. These are the simple rules of the Russian drink climbing! Russia, the Drinking Winter Fairy Tale! Cheers!
Now that you`ve wetted your tonsils and throats it`s high time for hot snack! To avoid current ultrasuper intoxication and ongoing morning hangover I`d recommend you a hot snack called `pelmenis`, Russian meat-filled dumplings! http://easteuropeanfood.about.com/od/russiannoodlesetc/r/pelmeni.htm
And never ever take a drop for your bad head despite any owie in the morning! An ideal interval for drinking is within 3 p.m. – 11 p.m. Cheerio, gals and lads!
FACETIOUS FELLAS: DOMESTIC FAT CAT VS. FAIR-HAIRED BEAST
The Chekhov Duet, or The Chekhovs was founded in 2006. They began in Kiev, one of Russia`s capital cities unfortunately currently temporarily occupied by the damn Nazis, and after becoming famous in All Russia and then in the former USSR they moved to Moscow. They are the residents of the most prestigious Comedy Club. They performed on stage 1,400 times and created 103 video clips. They play several pairs of different characters and keep `inventing` the new ones (or to be exact, they meet them in real life!).
By The Chekhov Duet, or The Chekhovs (Showmen Anton Lyrnik and Andrei Molochniy, The Comedy Club) OLYGARCH AND HIS WIFE AFTER NEW YEAR DAY`S NIGHT PARTY Anton Lyrnik: Andrei and I have been learning oligarchs for many years, so we know pretty well that they`ve got their wives as well, and that, as a rule, those wives are a bit of pest. In general, an olygarch`s wive is 19 years old, she`re a blonde and model. We`d say a model of a human being. Now just imagine a very familiar situation, tycoon and his wife come back home early in the morning after the New Year night party. So it`s the 1st of January. Oligarch Anton: Lena, Lena! With care! Wife Lena: Hands off! Anton don`t touch me! Anton: Sit down! Lena: I`m sitting, but don`t think that your care gonna make me shut up! Anton: Lena, it`s time to sleep. Lena: I gonna say you directly, in plain Russian, not saying it at random that you, Anton, has spoiled me the whole party! Anton: Stop it, please! Lena: Anton, if, if, if, if I`ve started, yes, ... I gonna finish it! In a way can you understand it? You`ve been sitting for the whole night with such a grimace on your face! With such a wry expression! Like this, hear, like you`ve got it right now! How can you have fun if next to you is sitting such a person! Explain me! It`s firstly, secondly, be offended or not, yes ... be nnn-n-n-n ... Anton: Not offended! Lena: Do not interrupt me! You can`t drink at all! Anton: Lena, it`s you who can`t drink! Lena: Who? Me? Do you remember the moment New Year came? Anton: Yes! I remember it. Lena: But I don`t! So you`re still thinking I can`t drink? Last but not least! You abused me!
Anton: A detailed account, please! Lena: You presented me nothing! Anton: Say not so! No gift?! Lena: Someone Santa Claus, an absolute stranger interfering in other people`s affairs went and presented me a new `Lexus`! And you ... you didn`t care a fig! Anton: Who did you say presented you that `Lexus`? Lena: Santa Claus! Anton: Do you really believe he exists? Lena: Yes, he does. He gives me his gifts every year!
Anton: Look here, dear! It`s you who started this conversation. It`s the last New Year party we attended together in company of my friends! The last one, I swear! Lena: How come! Anton: You are the devil for drink! Lena: Anton! A lady drank little just to raise her spirits ... Anton: A lady could do it, I don`t doubt it. But you were loaded again! You did it not as my beauty but as the beast! The beast, Lena! Where are your eyebrows? Lena: I don`t know. When I got a light from fireplace they were still in their place. Anton: You disgraced me with your face in the face of my companions! Just killed me! Lena: Companions? Your companions are such bores, no common ground to discuss anything! It was just me who had been keeping the ball rolling for the whole evening! Anton: You had been sitting and hiccoughing loudly! Lena: And you are saying now that I was keeping silent? Anton: Lena, why did you drag that rapper, Timati, off the stage during his number? It happened amidst his performance! Lena: I remembered his asking me about the best gatherings in here, so I took him with me to show the right places and people. Anton: Why did you call the ambulance at dawn? What for? Lena: For one moment I felt everything in a very gruesome way and I was about to leave.
Anton: You should have ordered a taxi! Lena: Only the ambulance has got everything one needs to feel cheered up! Alcohol, wheels and young guys in their funny clothes! Anton: Lena, now go to sleep, sleep! Lena: Tell me where`s my fur coat? My coat! Anton: In your wardrobe! Lena: I mean coat of ice on the freezer! Anton: What coat of ice? Lena: I`d concealed there my ear rings before dancing! Anton: It`s right time to go bye-bye! Lena: You le-le-le-left me! I was moving up and down through all floors in the elevator and crying, `Anton!` Anton: You were sitting in the loo and pushing the button of water drain!
Lena, you need a doctor, you see! The shrink! Lena: Anton, just listen what I read in the `Facebook`, Как легко обидеть человека,//Взял и бросил слово, злее перца,//А потом не хватит века,//Чтоб вернуть обиженное сердце. It`s so easy to insult a person!
Our words are hot-tasted as pepper.
However, then it`ll take an awesome
Effort to
Assuage the heart you had offended! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Anton: Now I see that you`re incurable! You have to be put down as an ill pet. And all you friends in the Facebook must go after you to the vet too to have all of them put away than to let them suffer! Lena: What if you simply do not love me? What if you dislike me? Anton: No, I like you! Morever, I love you, Lena. It was me who prevented the firecracker`s explosion in your mouth! It was burning when I blew it out! It was me who found out a fire extinguisher and put out the flame that took your party dress! It was me who used to give gifts to you every year! Lena: Wow! Anton! Was it you? Anton: It was me! Lena: It appears it`s you who`s Santa Claus?! Anton, I can`t believe it. Come on, say `Ow-ow-ow!` Anton: Ow-ow-ow! Lena: Santa-a-a! Anton: Now go to sleep, immediately, sleep, sleep! THE END (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
PEPPERS AND THE SPADE: ENLIGHTENMENT OF OBSCURE PEOPLE
А у нас в деревне все слушают шансон,//Слушают Михайлова, Лепса и Трофима,//Ну, а я считаю, что всё это отстой,//Я поклонник музыки другой.//Люблю я «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»//«Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»!//«Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»//Очень я люблю.//Я работаю с людьми, я их хороню,//А потом с коллегами мы идём бухать,//А потом на кладбище песни мы поём,//Наши вкусы сходятся во всём//Помимо «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//«Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»!//«Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»//Я пою один.//Как-то раз друзья меня ударили лопатой,//Я очнулся и пошёл в ресторан «Весна»//Там играл какой-то чёрт песню про тюрьму//«Слышишь, чёрт!» - базарю я ему.//«Ты сбацай «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//Вот тебе задачка!//»Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//Вот тебе полтос».//Чёрт сказал: «Не обессудь, не слыхал таких,//Знаю я Михайлова, Лепса и Трофима,//А про этих, как их там, слышу в первый раз,//Видно не высок пока их класс.//Чё там за «Хот Бед Чили Вэпонс»,//Чё за коллективчик?//Чё за «Мэд Хэд Шпили Биверс»,//
Чё за молодняк?»//Возмущаться начали мужики вокруг,//Почему остановилась песня про тюрьму,//И чё за хрен с лопатою, торчащей из спины,//Сбил нас с ностальгической волны.
И чё за незнакомое английское названье?//Чё за неприятные, обидные слова?//Выхватил лопату я и на них пошёл//Вовремя напомнили они мне про неё//Говорю им: «Я таких слов не потерплю//Я сейчас лопатой отрублю//Вам ваши «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»//Всем поочередно//Ваши Чили Пепперс нахер отрублю!»//Закричали мужики: «Шутим мы, братан!//Пофиг нам на творчество Лепса и Трофима//Стас Михайлов лишь среди баб авторитет,//А у нас другой приоритет//Мы любим «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//Мамою клянёмся,//Любим «Рэд Хот Чилли Пепперс»,//Зуб тебе даём!//Мы любим сингл их великий//»Калифорникейшн»,//Любим Тони Кидиса//И их басиста «Фли»!//«Уважаемая группа «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//Все у нас теперь в деревне любят только вас,//Ваши песни с мужиками часто мы поём,//Просят мужики лишь об одном:// «Мы просим вас, родные «Рэд Хот Чили Пепперс»,//Напишите хоть одну вы песню про тюрьму!»
Lyrics and Music by Semyon Slepakov
Performed by Semyon Slepakov THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
All our villagers listen to the chansons,
They listen to Mikhailov, Leps, Trofim and others
As for me I reckon that all of them are dreck,
I am a fan of music they don`t reck.
I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Red Hot Chili Peppers!
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
That`s what I really love.
I dig graves for people, yes, I bury them all day,
Afterwards the whole bunch drinks late into the night,
Late at night the grave-diggers sing their merry songs,
Our tastes don`t differ on the whole,
Apart the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Red Hot Chili Peppers.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
That`s what I sing alone!
Once upon a time my friends hit me with the spade,
After coming to myself I went to a bistrot,
A jerk was singing on the stage a chanson from a jail
`Look here, dude!` I offered him some kale
If he would only play for me
The Hot Red Chili Peppers!
Red Hot Chili Peppers,
That was the task I`d set!
The dude said: `I`m at a loss, never heard of them.
Man, I only know Mikhailov, Leps, Trofim
As to your whatchamacallit, they must be no stars,
They haven`t been established so far!`
Who are those Hot Bad Chilly Weapons?
What kinda jolly crowd?
Mad Hot Spiely Beavers!
And what are those cubs for?
Country bumpkins round us were creating hell,
They could not get their heads round chanson`s stop,
Why did an unknown freak stabbed with spade to death
Have the cheek to disregard their mems?
And what does mean that unfamiliar, English-speaking title?
Why has it so nasty and offensive words?
I drew the spade out of my back and as a soldier charged!
They reminded me about my spade in proper time!
I told them I woudn`t stand such insults any more,
For my proof I would chop off
Their own Red Hot Chili Peppers,
In turns, one after another,
Their own Red Hot Chili Peppers
So that they couldn`t fuck.
Then the bumpkins outcried, `We are kidding, bro!
We don`t give a damn about Leps, Trofim, Mikhailov,
Stas Mikhailov has prestige with the dames and kids,
As to us they are not our scenes.
We love the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
We swear by our mothers!
We love the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Cross our manly hearts!
We love their greatest single, `Californication`,
We love both their Tony Kiedis
And their bass Mike `Flea`.
Dear members of the group `Red Hot Chili Peppers`,
Our villagers are all fans of your great group,
We often sing your songs with males late into the night
But gonna trouble you a bit for a pure trifle:
We`d like you, our people, the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
One day to write for us a song about a jail. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
AD HOC TALE
Once upon a time in winter a fox stole a cartful of fish caught out by a peasant. She was sitting and eating her fish when a hungry wolf all of a sudden came out of the thick wood:
-Fox, gimme some fish!
-Go and fish it like I did it!
-How? I haven`t got a rod!
-I had not got either! But I used my tail for it! I put it into the ice hole on the river, and fish got stuck to it!
-Thanks for a good idea!
The wolf tore off the fox`s tail and briskly turned its steps towards the river.
HIT THE SACK, CLAUS! (from the informal merry nursery rhymes)
Здравствуй дедушка мороз!//Тут такое дело…//Хорошо, что ты с мешком,//Нужно спрятать тело.
Hail to thee, sweet Santa Claus!
We were very folly!
It`s so good you`ve got a sack
To conceal dead bodies.
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
I heard you`d been misbehaving for a whole year!
TALKING NONSENSE
A respectable man saw a rare beauty in the restaurant.
-I`m sorry, but I`d like to get to know you. May I join your company?
-No problem, Sir!
-My name is Nestor, aged 45, and being a State Duma deputy I am a very honest and decent man.
-Nice to meat you, Nessy. I`m Marina, 20 years old, I am a prostitute for the V.I.P.s and I`m still a virgin!
NIGHTIE-FLIGHTY
A man is putting her drunk wife to sleep. (She`s just returned from New Year Corporate Party). Wife: Pete, what`s flying over us? Hubby: Sleep quick! It`s a fly that is flying! Wife: Why is it so white? Hubby (being out of temper): It`s already put on its nightie!
So`s your snow maiden! Blow me down, if it`s not my winter field uniform!
COMING TO A STICKY END
Little girl played with a dynamite stick.
It was very small, it is bang that was big.
The accident happened in the middle of New York,
Her eyes touched down Brooklyn, her bum is in Bronx. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
EXTREME SHOPPING
A gentleman came in jeweller's.
-How much is this necklace?
-$100, 000
-Nightmare! And that?
-$200, 000
-Double nightmare!
ANYTHING BUT
A couple at a sexual pathologist.
-We feel no joy, we tried all!
-Try a `wheelbarrow` position!
-Describe it, please!
-Wife stands on her hands, husband legs her, and forward march they go!
-On the whole, I agree to it. But there`s a pair of remarks. My hands must be gloved. Manicure! Secondly, we won`t promenade through the street where my mother lives.
PARDON MY FRENCH
Taxi-driver after two day`s work is stopped by a puta!
-French way, fifty.
-(thoughtfully) French way, 50 … Where is it? I don`t know that address!
MAKING THE DUST FLY
Peter pretended to be a big kettle.
He saw in the kitchen a stove made of metal.
He boiled up quite quickly and let off his steam,
His ashes dispersed like fine dust in the wind. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
FULL ARSE HOUSE
A prestigious, expensive restaurant. A visitor beckons to the waiter.
-Your sturgeon is past its best. Take it and put it in your chef`s arsehole!
-But I can`t, Sir!
-Why? The customer`s always right!
-You`re right but our chief`s arse has been already filled with lobsters, ducks and rolls! No more vacant place!
PLUG`N`PLAY ON
Boss and his lady office manager in bed.
-Ivan Ivanovich, have you already placed it?
-Yes, I have.
-Wow! It`s some size!
ONE TO NIL
Agricultural academy. Instructor:
-A good bull can cover cows up to 12 times a day!
Girl`s voice in the lecture room:
-How many?
-Up to 12!
-Repeat it for my significant other!
Male`s voice from the back row:
-Does bull copulate with one cow or several?
-Several, of course!
-Repeat it for the front row, please!
BABY BOOM
After his wife`s words `I gonna have the fried salted strawberries!` the husband fainted.
We terminate pregnancy at a very early term
SHE NEEDS A LITTLE
It`s so good meet a little one smiling at you in the street. Especially if that little one is 25 years old, and he`s a male.
CHANSON D`AMOUR OF THE COLD WHITE RUSSIAN FELLAS
The Russian chanson, or simply Chanson has nothing to do with the French music or songs. It`s a specific style of the Russian pop music based on the traditions of the Russian love songs (city cruel romances), informal homeless children`s ballads, teenagers` yard and street amateur songs, Russian prison and criminal songs, Jewish folklore and informal author`s songs and ballads.
That genre of the popular music originated from the 20s of the 20c. There`s a song reflecting the process of transformation of the genre of the Russian and Gipsy love songs (so called `romances`) into the idiom of the Russian chason. The plot of the original song of the 20s of the 20 c. I chose as an illustration is simple. A teller of the state-owned bank`s affiliate admonishes a young lady burglar to quit her criminal trade as senseless and not suiting her low-necked dress, pretty eyes, family life, otherwise her life hits the skids the more so beacause she`s being searched by the agents of the GPU (the predecessor of the K.G.B.). He promises to let her go in piece if she gives in that bad habit of hers.
Singer Vladimir Samsonov and ballerina Natalia Kudinova (Mariinski Opera and Ballet House, St. Peterburg) – Russian city romance of the 20s of the 20 c.`Colt doesn`t do for you, ma`am!` ("Зачем вам кольт, мадам?"). Thus was being born a new idiom of the Russian chanson! http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Zl4xLURqopQ
The modern Russian chansons gravitate to the pop music and going back to the roots of the classical Russian and Gipsy love songs (romances), they are getting less cruel and more sentimental that is likely to be explained by the partial feminization of men. On the other hand, the partial masculinization of women effectively prevents the decline of that genre as a separate musical style. As to the leading performers of the Russian chansons they are Trofim Τρόφιμος (Sergei Vyacheslavovich Trofimov) (born 1966), Stas Mikhailov (Stanislav Vladimirovich Mikhailov) (born 1969) and Grigoriy Leps (Grigoriy Viktorovich Lepsveridze) (born 1962). Being stars of the Russian chanson all three singers are very different, and it`s Trofim only who corresponds to that idiom best of all if to judge by the lyrics, themes and music of his songs.
TROFIM, THE MOSCOW ORIOLE
Всю ночь на улице мело,//И за окном белым - бело,//И толще справочника свежий календарь,//И дворник, маленький таджик,//С лопатой по двору кружит//На языке Хайяма матеря январь.// Забыты праздники давно,//Как прошлогоднее кино,//Сюжет которого не вспомнить никому.//А я несу тебе цветы,//Чтобы скорей узнала ты//О том, что мне пока известно одному.// Refrain: Я знаю точно, растает лёд,//В тиши полночной иволга запоёт.//И рыжею девчонкой, тёплою ото сна,//В озябший мир придёт Весна.// Прогноз погоды - снегопад,//В заторах улицы стоят,//Машины, как сугробы с выхлопной трубой.//И из приёмников – FM//Непобедимый «Boney M»//Поёт, как на Багамах плещется прибой.//Народ торопится, скользит,//Теряя варежки в грязи,//Ко входу в недра всепогодного метро.//И я с цветами под пальто,//Спешу сказать тебе про то,//Что вопреки прогнозам метеобюро…//К палатке с надписью «Табак»//Какой-то уличный остряк,//Приклеил объявленье «Лыжи на прокат!»//Но шутки гражданам не в кайф,//Поскольку в их привычный драйв// Так неожиданно вмешался снегопад.// Пенсионеры и врачи,//Негоцианты и ткачи// В стихийном бедствии теперь одна семья.//И только бойкий карапуз,//Похожий на большой арбуз,//Сидит на санках, улыбаясь, как и я…
Lyrics by Oksana Tyzhuk
Music and performance by Sergei Trofimov (Trofim) MOSCOW SONG
The snowstorm was all the night.
Now outside is gleaming white.
And the new calendar is thicker than a reference book.
A little yardman the Tajik
Keeps waltzing round a snowy street
And cursing in Khayam his January`s doom.
New Year`s Day is far behind
Like the last year`s opening night,
The play whose title and plot one hardly recollects.
Now I am carrying you the flowers.
If you must know, from the start
I wanted to reveal my innermost intents.
Refrain
I know exactly that melting will wreck ice,
And in the midnight quiet an oriole will pipe.
Like a red-haired maiden, out of her bed,
Spring will soon be here. It`ll warm our domain.
The weather forecast: snowfall.
The traffic jams are acts of God,
The cars are snowdrifts, just gas vents outside,
An FM radio again
Broadcasts the timeless `Boney M`.
Their song about a splash of the Bahama`s tide.
People in the streets slip in a rush,
They lose their mittens in the slush
On their ways to metro`s weather-proof deep slots.
But with the flowers in my coat
I`m hurrying on to tell you all
That always goes against the bad weather reports. Refrain
A stall `Tobacco` in the street
Has got graffito `Rent-a-ski`.
A street wit added it, he did it for a giggle!
But people seem to have no time,
Not in the mood to laugh a while,
The sudden snowfall as well played on them trick.
Paediatricians, retirees,
Negotiators, engineers
Due to the snowfall became the friends indeed.
And only boyst`rous chubby lad,
Big as a melon on his sled,
Seems to be happy in the street as much as me.
Refrain
He knows exactly that melting will wreck ice,
And in the midnight quiet an oriole will pipe.
Like a red-haired maiden, out of her bed,
Spring will soon be here. It`ll warm our domain.
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
RE-LYING ON STAS, OR WOMEN`S FAVOURITE
Stas Mikhailov though still considered to be stuck to the music idiom of the Russian chanson is bent for the female appeal pop songs while remaining definetely loyal to the Oriental tunes which sometimes the Russian chanson organically absorbs.
Дорогой сказочных огней,//Я шел, пытаясь отыскать//Одну тебя из сотни тех,//Но видит Бог не повезло опять.// Я отгоню тупую боль,//Что сердце ранит словно нож,//Я мог бы все тебе простить,//Но не предательство и ложь.// Ну, вот и все, Ну, вот и все, Ну, вот и все,//Я ухожу из твоей жизни,//Лишь только плачет за окном// Холодный ветер января.// Ну, вот и все, Ну, вот и все, Ну, вот и все,//И от венчания до тризны//Хотел с тобою рядом быть,//Но видно это не судьба.
Stas Mikhailov THAT`S IT. THAT`S IT
I went through fire Fairland,
In vain I tried to seek for thee,
One out of ten hundreds maids.
Good Lord! Again I seemed to be in me!
I`ll drive off aching pain of mine,
That hurts my heart as a sharp knife.
I could forgive you all my plights,
Except your cheating-on and lie.
That`s it, That`s it, That`s it!
I `m off with you, my love, your life!
It`s only January`s cold wind
That mourns our parting outside.
That`s it, That`s it, That`s it!
I dreamt to spend my life with you
From our wedding to our deaths.
But fate decrees us otherwise. (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Girls adore such lyrics, and Stas Mikhailov often sings for them. Besides, Stas Mikhailov has got his followers abroad, in Turkey, for instance.
Stas Mikhailov is a trade mark, and the Russian merchants has recently introduced several sets of the furnishing in their home market. They include his discs, his portraits and lyrics of his songs printed on the surface of the furnishing.
So since recently the girls and ladies have been granted an opportunity to share nights with their pop idol. They can spend their nights not only together with him, but even right on him! Wow! Women are the attentive audience and vast trade market.
AGE OF LEPS: HOW LEPS LEAPT OVER A FENCE
Grigoriy Leps can be regarded as the pure chanson performer to the less extent in comparison with his starry companions, at the least for the time being. Music, lyrics and themes of his songs are very far from the literary and music `language` of the chanson. Besides he also caters for the women a great deal while the genuine chanson are designated almost exclusively for the males, ordinary men, tough guys who know what`s what and who are the characters of the raw life and the above mentioned Semyon Slepakov`s song. In this respect Leps stands closer to Stas Mikhailov than to Trofim (though they all have got millions of minions). Leps is very colourful, he is a natural born showman, he prefers performing shows to making the replicas of life. Being a Russian citizen Leps born in Sochi, Russia, is an ethnic Georgian who most time lives in Phuket, in Thailand. He performs in Russia and eagerly participates or arranges the charitable concerts mostly for the ill children. He has got three daughters and son. Now it`s him who is Zeus on Olympus of the Russian pop music!
The song `A glass of vodka on my table`being performed by Grigoriy Leps is an exclusively popular song that has got a helluva covers and parodies. There was a case when his audience made Leps sing 23 (!) anchors of it! (Of course, encores, I`m just kidding! Ha-ha!) It seems to be a bizzar, abstract, pretentious song overloaded with the abstruse metaphors set to fail, yet it`s a great success and evergreen hit. Everybody falls under its spell and spell of Leps` charm.
Grigoriy Leps - `A glass of vodka (on my table)` (Григорий Лепс- Рюмка Водки). Before performing Grisha addresses his audience: `Now, my dear, switch on your little cell phones and start showing them to one another!` http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=F8QW8k-BRnM
Ночь по улицам// пошла//звездной поступью цариц.//Слов и чисел простота//у небесного моста.//Раскидала перья//птиц.//Не забудутся//никем//праздник губ, обиды глаз.//Забери меня в свой плен. Эту линию колен//целовать последний раз. Refrain: Только//рюмка водки на столе,//ветер плачет за окном. //Тихо болью//отзываются во мне//этой молодой луны//крики. //Не легко тебя отдать//парусам ветров и птиц.//Может, даже, не понять,//может, даже, не узнать//среди тысяч женских лиц. //Пусть глаза мои//молчат.//Молча смотрят на луну.//Если кто поймает взгляд, поторопится назад,//
сам не знаю почему.
Lyrics and Music by Evgeniy `Zheka` Grigoryev A GLASS OF VODKA ON MY TABLE
Night along the streets
Walks onward
With a foot of starry Lords.
Ease of numbers, ease of words
From the bridge of heaven, o!
Threw about flags of birds.
None is able to
Forget
The feast of lips, offence of eyes.
Capture me, that curve of knees
Gonna kiss for the last time.
Refrain
Only
A glass of vodka on my table.
Wind is crying outside.
With a heavy heart
I hear just inside of me
The young Moon`s
Shouts.
It is so hard to let
Sails of winds and birds have you.
You might not be sensed all right,
You might not be recognized.
Women`s faces multitude.
Though your eyes
Are mute, oh yeah!
They look in silence at the Moon.
If someone has caught your eye
He`ll be hurry back at once,
I don`t know why, he`ll do! Refrain (twice) (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
`Grisha` (as it was his first stage name) re-arranged it in his way and remade the love story into a fantasy. He changed its logical and musical accents and grasped something that`s beyound or under text, something which can`t be expressed by words and through the sophisticated metaphors.
Evgeniy `Zheka` Grigoriyev
The matter is that for the first time `A glass of vodka on my table` was performed by the `Major Sergeyev` group led by Evgeniy `Zheka` Grigoriyev. He came to Moscow from Kurgan City. Later the song was sold to Grigoriy Leps just for $300. In the 90s both musicians were not the pop stars, they were the recent alkies and poor strangers in the Russian capital city. A decade later the song helped Leps to establish himself as a superstar. Initially both musicians and friends positioned themselves as the chanson performers. But as-a-mater-of-factly, they were sooner rock and pop singers, Zheka performed `A glass of vodka …` as a rock ballad (it had got also an additional verse) while Leps transformed it into a blues in 2002.
When Grigoriy Leps became a producer he announced a competition for his fans. They were to have performed the song `A glass of vodka …`. The All-Russia contest was participated by 517 persons. Eleven of them became the winners, including a five (!) year girl performer from Izhevsk City.
Lisa Perminova with Leps and Zheka
It was Lisa Perminova who performed that song for his daddy and while performing it she kept ordering him to be more serious and do not sing backup. Oh, she behaved as a real and responsible artiste. Her music video was watched more than five million times!
Leps loves to support and performs together both with the promising and established young pop music stars of Russia (Slepakov, Timathy). It`s a mutually complementing cooperation! `London` (2011) is a song written by Timathy (Timur Yunusov), now the most famous Russian rapper, firstly, for himself, secondly, for Grigoriy Leps and thirdly for their joint performances. When sung by Leps it seems to be much better than it really is owing to his talent and experience, and instinctive supremacy of music and show over lyrics in his mind and stage interpretations.
Synopsis: A 30 year old guy is about to make up his mind and move to London, so he reiterates (in the refrain of the song): `Gonna go to live in London! I gonna see Moscow in my dreams`. But something stops him! What? He explaines that trains do not go to London from Moscow. Besides, there`s high water in London. So he asks himself: `What`s the use of going to live in London?` Then he describes his life: writing his memoirs, inventing his dreams, listening to jazz and blues, bla-bla-blah! He gonna miss his girl, but ready to leave for London City, maybe, forever ... in his dreams.
Leps and Timathy
Leps transforms the schoolboy`s text into the parable about the return of the prodigal son from London where he had never been to. Leps is not a rapper, but performing young singers` repertory he expands his market share by attracting the younger audience. As to Timathy, well, what can you expect, he`s a rich and prospering hero of the undereducated teenagers. Unlike the character of his song he had been to London. After all, the capital city of the UK is informally named `Londongrad` or `St. Londonburg` in Russia. London competes with Paris in the Russian cultural mind. Both cities are good, and to some extent both are the Russian cultural capitals along with St. Petersburg and Moscow.
Frankly speaking, I think that Trofim, Stas and Grisha would have chosen the other musical idioms if they`d had such an opportunity in their younger years. But then they hadn`t got it. That time, in the 90s, the Russian pop music Olympus had got no vacant places and desperately defended itself from the newcomers. So the Russian chanson was a good springboard for the beginners, and they jumped off, and now they are being transformed into the pop stars in general sense, and they keep experimenting and synthesizing.
THE THAI ADVENTURES OF THE URAL TROPICOPOLITANS
The Ural Meat Dumplings (Уральские пельмени) Theatrical Comedy Company, Yekaterinburg City, is no less famous and prestigious in Russia than the glam Comedy Club, Moscow is. In this respect, it`s not provincial at all. They perform the first rate shows in both capitals and round the former Soviet Union. All actors are superstars! They have their own show on TV (the STS Channel).
SANTA CLAUS IN THAILAND
When the Russian go abroad they bring there not only chaos and devastation but also their good traditions. Sonny: Ma, pa where are you? Dad: Why to cry, sonny. We were in the bathroom preparing a gift for you! Sonny: Will Santa Claus be in time, as we`re in Thailand it`s rather far from Russia! Dad: Of course! He will, (turning to his wife) he would like to go wherever far for money we pay him. Sonny: What? Dad: ... for the rhyme you`ve learned by heart for him. Have you really? (son`s nodding) Well done! He is soon to be here! (doorknock) Sonny: Santa Claus? Dad: Yes, he is! (to Santa Claus:) What a state you are in! Go and get dressed in a proper way! Santa: But it`s hot in here! Dad: What do I pay you my rhyme, sorry, money for? Disguise yourself into Santa Claus`s costume immediately! Wherever he is Santa Clause should be Santa Clause! Well. Here`s the gift sack, here`s my son. Santa: How d`you do, Matvei, don`t be slow, be quick about it! It`s fifty degrees Celsius in the shade in your place. What a costume have you prepared for the New Year party? Sonny: Polar Bear! Santa: I do not see it! Sonny: Daddy said I could not wear it to avoid of the thermal shock! Dad: Sorry, gonna go and feed Santa`s reindeers! (to himself) I`ll go to the bar. They apply the air-conditioning. Santa: Well, Matvei. Happy New Year! Keep your gift! Mom: Wait, little Matvei learned a rhyme for you! Santa: Why on earth did you do it? Sonny: To make happy Santa for a while! Santa: I am incessantly happy! Keep your gift! Mom: Stop! If little Matvei hasn`t recited the rhyme he`ll be upset! If he is Santa Claus is supposed to be upset too! Santa: To be upset is no good! You`re right. Matvei, go on with your rhyme! By the way, what rhyme did you learn? Sonny: About `thrown down!` (Sonny implies a well-known Russian merry nursery rhyme:(Уронили мишку на пол, //Оторвали мишке лапу. //Всё равно его не брошу, //Потому что он хороший) that reads: Agniya Barto Teddy Bear`s thrown down
On the floor, its paw`s not found.
I won`t ever leave that bear
`Cuz it`s very good for fair. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)) Santa: Let`s start! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown ... Santa: What a clever boy you`re! Enough! Mom: You won`t go out of our home until you`ve listened to the rhyme all the way! Santa: Sorry, Matvei. You`ll have to earn your gift! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down ... Santa: On the .. Mom: No hints, please! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down on the, on the ... Santa: Be inventive! Guess where they could throw Teddy Bear on. Where are your feet now? Sonny: They`re attached to me, I`m not a disabled person. Santa: Where do the not disabled people tread? Sonny: The ground. Santa: Try to overshoot the mark! Sonny: Ceiling? Santa: Much lower! Sonny: Soil? Santa: The first letter is `F`. Sonny: Roof! Santa: The last letter is different! Sonny: Fridge! Santa: I wish I had it here! But you`re wrong again. Sonny: Did you really learn the rhyme? Mom: We did it together. Santa: Then start alphabetizing until you get to the right letter! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down on the A ... Santa: Go on! Sonny: On the B... on the ti ... Santa: Sh-sh! Sonny: I went over the entire ABC. What`s further we haven`t learnt yet! Santa: Ma`am, may I ask you, a glass of water, please? Mom: After he has finished the first two lines of the rhyme! Santa: Well, if it`s your law ... . (to son) Law! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down on the ... law ! Santa: Put `F` before `Law`! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down on the floor! (mother is handing Santa a glass of water). Sonny: Can I sit down on your knee? Santa: What for? Mom: Matvei, don`t ask him, just do it! Sonny: No muscles at all! Oh, Santa, I see, you`ve got fever! I have to wrap you up. Woolen plaid will do! Santa: No fever! Mom: If the child said you had got a fever put up with it! He gonna become a doctor! Sonny: A neurosurgeon! Santa: Teddy Bear`s thrown down on ... Was it the only breaking of the law they had committed? Sonny: They comitted a series of crimes! As I remember bear`s anything wasn`t found either! Santa: What could they tear off from Teddy Bear`s body? What has the bear got? Sonny: Little ears! Santa: And ... Sonny: Little eyes! Santa: Much lower! Sonny: Floor? Ceiling? Santa: No! What has the bear on each side? Sonny: Little ears. Little nose. Santa: How come! Sonny: My elder brother displaced Teddy`s nose! Santa: What is attached to Teddy`s shoulders? Sonny: Arms! Santa: Great! Human beings have got hands, while animals have got .... Sonny: Legs! Santa: Be more creative! What does a kitten use while washing itself? Sonny: Its foot! Santa (to mother): What does a kitten use while washing itself? Is it its feet? Mom: What else then? It has got no hands! Santa: There`s the third limb apart of the hands and feet! Animals do have got something else! Just remember! SONNY: Tails! Santa: What an achievement! How on earth did you guess it? Sonny: It`s simple! If Teddy Bear has got no tail, then it was torn off! Mom: You see! How clever he is! But personally I do not know what was torn off. They learned the rhyme with his Dad! Santa: Really? It changes everything! (to boy) You`re welcome! Sonny: What will be your gift? Santa: I see that financial stimulation does wonder! Teddy Bear`s thrown down on the floor, its tail`s not found. What follows after that? Sonny: I have clean forgotten it! Santa: Take it easy! Attention! The gift goes to Matvei! Dad (coming in): How are you? Mom: Fine! Little Matvei recited the rhyme! Dad: Well done, Matvei. Now recite it for me too! Sonny: Teddy Bear`s thrown down//On the floor, its tail`s not found.//
Now that you`ve got my present.//I am driven to despair! Mom (to dad): Anything wrong? Didn`t you spend two nights to learn that rhyme with him? Did you? Dad: I did! Well done, sonny! Mom: You`re my wonder child! Santa: Keep your gift! Poor memory remedy! Sonny: I didn`t want it! I wanted … I wanted … Dad: What? Sonny: It has slipped my memory! Dad: If your memory fails you, then it`s what you really want! THE END
Понедельник, 08 Декабря 2014 г. 16:06
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MOUSTACHU INTERNATIONAL
PLAYING SCALES (FOUR* LITTLE FINGERS): FATSO, BEER, DEER, POST// FICTION, SECRETS, SEXY BOYZ**
**Patterns: Heetum, peetum, penny, pie//Pop a lorie, jinkie jye! Or even: Eena, meena, mina, mo,//Bassa, lena, lina, lo!
*It must have been an E.T. This slip of the pen made me remember an episode of boyscouts` life. Once boyscouts and girlscouts met together and secretly drank a bottle of whiskey. One of girlscouts felt sick, and a friendly experienced boyscout offered her: `Lemme put a pair of my fingers into your throat! I bet you`ll feel much better after that!` The girlscout looked at him quite amazingly: `You really have got just a pair? And where are the rest`?
Ten Little Fingers - Piano lesson from the Dr. Seuss film "5000 Fingers of Dr. T ". https://youtu.be/p2_Lo7sMeZM
Ten little dancing maidens//dancing oh so fine,//Ten happy little fingers//and they're mine all mine.//They're mine, they're mine,//now isn't that just fine,//Not three, not five, //not seven, and not nine;//But ten all dancing straight in line,//And all of them are mine, mine, mine,//Yes, they are mine, all mine!
WITHOUT RHYME OR REASON
Oleg Alexandrovich Yuriev, born in 1959, Russian poet, writer, critic and translator from St. Petersburg living in Germany since 1991
Oleg Yuriev Олег Юрьев LIFE`S BOILING WIDTH A macabre & grim counting-out rhyme В буфете лопнул пузырек.//Полковник взял под козырек.//Упала с ветки вишенка. - Какой вы грубый, Мишенька!//Синеет в горлышке луна.//Так начинается война.//- С медвежьими задатками//Иди шути с солдатками!//Приехал устричный вагон.//В зубах у Тузика погон//Сияет тусклым золотом.//Смерть пахнет льдом и солодом.//II, 2014
A vial burst on the drugstore shelf.
Salute was taken by a colonel brave.
A little cherry fell from tree.
- You are so coarse and gross, cherie.
Moon turned deep blue thru` a bottleneck.
It was the world war`s outbreak.
If you`re bearish, my life,
Be free to flirt with a soldier`s wife.
An oystrich coach arrived at us.
A shoulder strap`s in a doggy`s mouth.
It glitters like a bar of gold.
Death only smells of ice and malt. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Oleg Yuriev Олег Юрьев INDEFINITE & PROGRESSIVE DEFINITELY GOING ON PERFECT Гвоздь поёт, входя в дощечку; //Свет поёт, садясь на пол; //Дым поёт, идя сквозь печку; Жук по стёклышку пошёл. //Дождь идёт по ветхим кронам; //Конь стоит по-над рекой; //Лён идёт полком зелёным; //Конь стоит по-над рекой. //Стол идёт на все четыре; //Конь стоит по-над рекой; //Стул шагает по квартире; //Конь стоит по-над рекой. //Гвоздь молчит, войдя в дощечку.//Свет издыхает, сев на пол.//Дым молчит, пройдя сквозь печку. //Жук со стёклышка сошёл.
A tack is singing in the tablet,
Light is singing on the floor.
Smoke is singing in a tunnel,
A beetle`s crawling on the door.
It is raining `bove the crowns,
A steed is standing by the stream…
A flax field`s as a green batallion,
A steed is standing by the stream.
A table`s shifting wherever wishes,
A steed is standing by the stream.
A chair `s drunk in my bed-sitter.
A steed is standing by the stream.
The tack`s stopped singing in the tablet,
Light`s been diffracted on the floor,
Smoke`s gone off through the sooty tunnel,
The beetle`s crossed the whole door. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
HELLO, FATSO!
Alexandre L`vovich Semchev (Александр Львович Семчев) (born 1969) is an actor of The Moscow Art Theatre. After school he performed in the provincial theatres, bore arms, then moved to Moscow and graduated from the old and prestigious B.V. Shchepkin Drama School in 1997. He`s an actor of the classical repertory, but he is used to play as well much more informal parts in the TV series, TV shows, commercials and motion pictures. He is a `face` of the Fatso beer in Russia. He has been also playing Samuel Pickwick from the The Pickwick Papers since 2012. The iconic theatre where he belongs stages not only Chekhov (it`s named after him), Tolstoy, Leskov, Ostrovsky, etc. but also Dickens.
The play from the The Pickwick Papers has been a longstanding tradition of The Moscow Art Theatre since 1934. Its modern version staged by director Evgeniy Pisarev. Mr. Semchev says that to play the role of Mr. Pickwick he was `spying` on his friends, pedestrians, townsfolk. Like Pickwick himself he learned people and came to conclusion that `little has changed since Dickens, we`re still deceived by women, people hand their money to swindlers, they marry each other. Everything repeats itself`. But the performance is full of joy and humour, and if you need an uplifting story, you`re welcome to The Pickwick Papers. To laugh is good! Too many gloomy things confront people in life. So what`s the use of losing an opportunity of being culturally entertained through a humorous classical performance?! Not a sin at all!
HOMELAND REVISITED
Alexandre Semchev (Александр Семчев) – 20 years after (interview and scene from the play in Vishniy Volochek`s drama theatre https://youtu.be/liZDUbysRrw
Alexandre Semchev, the Merited Artiste of Russia, visited old Russian provincial city Vishny Volochok after 20 years of absence. `It happened so that my first performance took its place here, at that very stage. Much water has flowed under the bridge since then, yet I remember everything and I gonna re-appear on that stage with trepidation and awe! It was my first performance. Thanks God, my life repeats itself, and I`m highly privileged and honoured to perform here again in Viktor Merezhko`s play `Too merry night!` (cut-in scene) There are certain things you oughtn`t to laugh at! You can, yes, you can, everything in life can be laughted at, but you oughtn`t. (cut-in scene) In conclusion I gonna say to you, my friends, please go to the theatre. That`s better than anything, believe me. You can go to the restaurants, somewhere else. But use an opportunity to go to your city theatre. Fortunately, you`ve got your own theatre here! Help it to survive and enjoy a long artistic life! Don`t be lazy, visit it, take your family, your parents. Just do it!
OCTOBERFEST FOREVER!
Она была высока и стройна//А он был толстяк-толстяком.//И он после свадьбы сказал ей с утра//Ты спи, я схожу за пивом.//Я мигом схожу за пивом...//За пивом, пивом, пивом, пивом.//Тра-ла-ла-ла!//Одна нога здесь, другая уже …//Любимая ждет жена будет верной мужу. Когда через год он вернулся домой,//Всего через год, но с пивом,//Жена встречала его с топором, //Которым построила дом. //Взяла и построила дом.//И построила дом, сама,//Тра-лала-ла-ла!//Взяла и построила дом.//Да я построила дом, сама!//Трала-ла-ла! Есть повод сходить за пивом. Он лет через пять возвратился с пивом, //И видит такие дела, //Она посадила ему дерево, и сына ему родила.//Взяла и сама родила,//Родила, родила! Сама?//Тра-ла-ла-ла! Ну, ты у меня молодцом,//Значит, сын у меня, и дом, и дерево,//Ну как не пойти за пивом? Рождаются дети, деревья растут,//За домом возводится дом,//А все происходит, друзья, потому,//Что ходит мужик за пивом.//Он трудится ночью и днем,//За пивом, пивом//Ну, кто если не он,//Пойдет в трудный путь за пивом?/Ну, а женское счастье в том, //Что он придет живой//И. возможно, с пивом. Тра-ла-ла-ла!//Живой и, возможно, с пивом.
Lolita Milyavskaya and Alexandre Semchev – UP FOR THE BEER! (Лолита Милявская и Александр Семчев - За пивом (2002)) https://youtu.be/K-jc0kY0VHk
UP FOR THE BEER!
She was but a slender and very tall girl,
But he was a Fatso all right.
The day after wedding he told her at dawn,
`You sleep, I`ll be back in no time!
I`m up for our beer, sweetheart …`
For our beer, yes, and nothing else.
Tra-la-la-la!
He`ll be back like winky, a-ha!
His wife will be faithful, be calm!
When a year later at last he got home,
(A year ain`t too long for the beer!)
His wife had an axe in her hands, that is clear,
She used it to … build their home.
She could very well build their home!
Tra-la-la-la!
She could very well build their home!
`Yes, I have! By myself! built our home!`
Tra-la-la-la!
`There`s a reason to be up for our beer!`
Five years later at last he got home
And that`s how he saw his sweetheart:
She planted a tree for him being all alone
And gave birth to their first son!
She could very well bear him a son!
She did it, right? By herself, no doubt!
Tra-la-la-la!
Well done, my sweetheart! Then I`ve got
My son, my tree, my home and my dear!
`There`s a reason to be up for our beer!`
Their children are born, their trees aren`t a few,
And house by house is built,
And all this happens, amigos, due to
Her hubby being up for their beer!
He works double tides as a bee,
He`s busy being up for their beer!
Who if not him
Gets under way, his thorny way for their beer?
The female fate is like that, that is clear,
To hope he`ll be back in a wink,
Alive and maybe with their beer.
Tra-la-la-la!
Alive and maybe with their beer. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
GARRISON DIVA
27:05-31:26 Russian TV Serial `State Border. The Taiga Romance`, Episode 3 (`Граница: Таежный роман`). Dancing party in the remotest garrison near Sino-Russian border in the 70s. Title parts of the scene played by Elena Panova, Mikhail Yefremov, Renata Litvinova (Albina), Alexandre Semchev (Major Serdyuk). https://youtu.be/vGMvR8lH6No
Husband: She`s my miracle! Wow! Pour quick until she has noticed! Wife: Albina, gonna sit aside the whole party? Look how many males around! Albina (garrison diva): `They all smell the Shipr (cheap Russian cologne for men) as if they had been desinfected in one and the same stable. I have had it enough at home`. Wife: Lyosha (from `Alexei`), ask Albina to dance! Shake her up! She must be in trouble! Husband: You think me to be a vacuum cleaner for your friend`s troubles, don`t you? Nope, that won`t do! She gonna refuse all. Wife: Lyo-sha, she won`t refuse you. (whispering him that she`ll permit him drink with his friends if he agrees to it) Husband (clownishly): Maybe to accompany her to her home at once! Wife: Lyo-kha! (from `Alexei`) Go! Husband: I do! ... Albina, darling, shall we dance? Albina: Well, I agree. Ah!
(Major Serdyuk appears, he`s a duty officer) Wife: Are you kidding? You`ve left Albina without a partner amidst the hall! You`ve exposed her ridicule! Husband: She hasn`t even noticed it! Besides, there`s appeared Serdyuk. We don`t get on! I haven`t meant to hurt her!
RUDOLF`S ESCAPE
Evgeniy Krylatov and Yuri Entin
Осенью в дождливый серый день//Проскакал по городу олень,//Он летел над гулкой мостовой//Рыжим лесом, пущенной стрелой. Припев #1: Вернись, лесной олень,//По моему хотенью, Умчи меня, олень,//В свою страну оленью.//Где сосны рвутся в небо,//Где быль живёт и небыль,//Умчи меня туда, лесной олень. Он бежал, и сильные рога//Задевали тучи, облака.//И казалось, будто бы над ним//Становилось небо голубым. Припев #1: Говорят, чудес на свете нет,//И дождями смыт оленя след.//Только знаю, он ко мне придёт,//Если веришь, сказка оживёт. Припев #2: Со мной лесной олень//По моему хотенью,//И мчит меня олень В свою страну оленью.//Где сосны рвутся в небо,//Где быль живет и небыль,//Он мчит меня туда, лесной олень.Припев #1: Он мчит меня туда, лесной олень.//Он мчит меня туда, лесной олень.
The prisoners`choir performing the song `The forest deer` (`Лесной олень`) (a scene from the feature film `Kolkhoz Entertainment`) https://youtu.be/s8cWHsHQoHo
From the feature film `Beware of Nastya!` (`Ох, уж эта Настя!`) (1972)
Music by Evgeniy Krylatov
Lyrics by Yuri Entin THE FOREST DEER
On a gloomy rainy autumn day
Deer galloped by the town main.
Like a deer it dashed for the red grove.
A boomy echo followed thereupon.
Refrain #1
Come back to me, my deer,
At my request, forever.
Whirl me away, my deer,
To your deer`s country where
Pines gravitate toward heaven,
Where tales come true as ever,
Whirl me away to there, my forest friend.
It was running, and its branchy horns
Were touching clouds in the sky like thorns.
And it seemed that heavens after him
Had been getting blue like in a dream.
Refrain #1
`Do not trust the miracles`, they say!
And the rain washed down the deer`s track!
But I know it`s to come back soon,
If to trust the tales one day come true.
Refrain #2
You are with me, my deer,
At my request, forever.
You`re whirling me away
To your deer`s country where
Pines gravitate toward heaven,
Where tales come true as ever,
It`s whirling me away, my forest friend.
Refrain #1
It`s whirling me away, my forest friend.
It`s whirling me away, my forest friend.
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
I do not know why, but I prefer the high-ceilinged premises!
The original song was peformed by Aïda Vedishcheva (Amanda Amazing), an outstanding Russian pop singer who emigrated to the USA in 1980. She had a brilliant career in the USSR, yet it was spoiled by the Soviet officials. Unfortunately she failed to build the big artistic career in the USA. If she had managed to wait for `perestroika` she could have become the first singer of capitalist Russia. But in any case she`s made a tremendous contribution to the Russian music and cinema and she`s been remembered and loved in this country so far. She deserves a special discussion, so one day I`ll return to that topic.
Письма, письма лично на почту ношу.//Словно, я роман с продолженьем пишу.//Знаю, точно знаю, где мой адресат,//В доме, где резной палисад.Где же моя черноглазая где,//В Вологде-где-где-где,//В Вологде где,//В доме, где резной палисад. Шлю я, шлю я ей за пакетом пакет.//Только, только нет мне ни слова в ответ.//Значит, значит стоит иметь ей ввиду,//Сам я за ответом приду. Чтоб ни случилось я к милой приду,//В Вологду-гду-гду-гду,//В Вологду-гду,//Сам я за ответом приду. Вижу, вижу алые кисти рябин.//Вижу, вижу дом ее номер один.//Вижу, вижу сад со скамьей у ворот.//Город, где судьба меня ждет. Вот потому-то мила мне всегда//Вологда-гда-гда-гда//Вологда-гда//Город, где судьба меня ждет.a
The prisoners` choir performing the song `Vologda` (`Вологда`) (a scene from the feature film `Kolkhoz Entertainment`) https://youtu.be/Nls02bXFCxs
Music by Boris Mokrousov
Lyrics by Mikhail Matusovsky VOLOGDA ['vɔləgdə]
Letters, they are brought to the post by myself,
They are, they are sequels to my sweet romance.
I know, I know well addressee` whereabouts.
That home has the carved palisade.
Refrain
Where`s my dark-eyed sweetheart, where`s she?
In Vologda, Vologda, Vologda! Gee! (Variant: Florida ['flɔrɪdə])
That home has the carved palisade.
I post, I post serial parcels of mine,
But I receive day by day no line.
So she, she from now on should keep in mind
I`ll come just to draw her reply.
Whatever happens I`ll come to my dear!
To Vologda, Vologda, Vologda! Gee!
That home has the carved palisade.
I see, I see ashberries glowing above,
I see, see the house of hers number one,
I see, see the garden of hers, bench and gate,
The city that`s to soon seal my fate.
That is why Vologda`s fine with me now,
Vologda, Vologda, Vologda, wow!
The city that`s to soon seal my fate.
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
As this song is performed by a gay soloist in the `Kolkhoz Entertainment`, he changed the lyrics. He sang about his boyfriend. `She` became `he` in his artistic interpretation! By the way, gay people are called `cocks`, `goats`, and much rarer `deers` in the Russian criminal language. As to gestures of the prisoners they`re the genuine body language of the Russian criminals, and combination of the aggressive mime of the bearers of the criminal subculture with the lyrical song which is often performed by the children`s choirs generates an additional comic effect.
The last years of the Soviet Union. Perestroika. New trends. Party Boss: Now, Alexandre Ivanovich, you can see what happens even in a jail when its bosses take care of the cultural level of the prisoners. As to your kolkhoz (collective farm, agricultural company) you`ve got no library, lectures, it`s an obvious cultural degradation! Kolkhoz CEO #1: Zakhar Timofeyevich, by the way, we reached the preplanned sales amount, after all. Party Boss (rather annoyingly): Planned, planned! Kolkhoz CEO #2: Decided to erect a temple! Party Boss ( interrupting): People first! Think about it! The church will have been discussed by us later by the time of the regional party committee`s conference. ... Follow the example of comrade Vindivin. His factory-farm enterprise gathered the harvest too. But it`s him who gonna arrange a show for his folks and invite a steward to perform for them. Kolkhoz CEO #1: What steward?
(In the background to prisoners: Line up in double file! Right turn!) Kolkhoz CEO #2: Not a steward, Zakhar Timofeyevich, but Rod Stewart, the British singer!
Party Boss: That`s even better! Ah, you! Arrange an amateurs' night at least! You could shoot an amateur movie or do something like that! Your company would become famous throughout the region or even the country! And the challenge Red Banner would be yours! Besides they`ve issued a decree that reads `He who spends no money on culture, he must be punished, even fined!` What will you say to it, Alexandre Ivanovich? Kolkhoz CEO #1 (not holding his breath): I`ll think of it!
The original song `Vologda` was peformed by Anatoly Yefimovich Kasheparov (born in 1950, Minsk, White Russia) when he was a member of the superpopular Byelorussian pop group `Pesnyary` (`The Singers` in Byelorussian). Strictly speaking, the song was composed in 1956, but that time it passed unnoticed and was unexpectedly re-born in 1976. After Kasheparov`s performance it became an evergreen Russian hit. Kasheparov also became a star. Vologda is an ancient Russian city, provincial centre. It`s interesting that that time the carved palisades were never met in Vologda, therefore it was a poetic exaggeration of the author. In 1991 Kasheparov finished his artistic career and emigrated to Florida, the USA where he became an owner of two pizzerias. He graduated from the Polytechnical Institute in White Russia and The Russian University of Theatre Arts in Moscow.
SEX FICTION, OR THE NEW PLAYBOYS
ТИРОЛЬСКИЙ СЕКРЕТ В австрийской деревушке,//Где снег лежит весь год.//Жил в маленькой избушке//Невзрачный мужичок. //Хоть он не выделялся//особой красотой,//Всегда в его избушку//шли девушки толпой.//Секрет его успеха//любой узнать хотел,//Все оказалось просто,//Он делать так умел.
THE TYROLEAN SECRET
In an upland Alpine hamlet
Where snow covers all,
There lived in his small chalet ['ʃæleɪ]
An unpretentious boy.
Despite he wasn`t handsome,
Another pretty face,
Girls from the lowland places En masse with him made date.
The secret of his fortune
Couldn`t fathom right and left,
The reason was quite simple,
His tongue could move like that. (moving lips and tongue as if performing `yodel`, popular folk songs of the Austrian, Italian and Swiss Alps).
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
MOUSTACHED GIRL VS. BEARDED WOMAN
Anchorman: Now I`m reading a title of the second track of your disc. It goes as `A moustached girl`?! I hope that TV viewers gonna support me if I suppose it must be an allegory, a hyperbole, a figurative expression ... Serge Goreliy (the USB group): It`s but a hit! While watching our music video many a man gonna get сranky. And some people`s fucking jaws will simply drop! Anchorman: So let`s verify this forecast and watch the music video `A moustached girl`!
(First the frontman of the USB group as always delivers their usual acoustic logo):
`This is the USB! We are all here! Nikita, Stas, Ghena, Turbo, and me, Dyusha * Metyolkin!` *Dyusha - Andryusha - Andrei
THE MOUSTACHED GIRL Усатая девчонка Усатая девчонка, над тобою все смеются//Усатая девчонка, мне ночами не спится//Усатая девчонка, мне ночами не спится//Усатая в жизни, а в постели - тигрица! Не плачь, усы украшают девчонку.//Утри усами слезы//Усатая девчонка, сказать я не боюсь://"Ты самая красивая - мотай себе на ус!"
The girl with a moustache! A laughing-stock for all.
The girl with a moustache! At night I`m sleepless!
The girl with a moustache! At night you`re tireless!
Moustached in life, in bed you are a tigress!
Don`t cry! A moustache becomes the girls!
Wipe tears with it!
The girl with a moustache! I`d like to bravely say
`You are the prettiest girl.Take good note of my tale!`
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
IN SACKCLOTH AND ASHES
(In the kindergarten) Mother: Harry, why have you told that girl that she`s a freak? She`s sitting and crying now! Now go and tell her that you`re sorry! The boy (approaching the girl): Mary, don`t cry! I am really awfully sorry of your being a freak! (In my opinion, sometimes freaks are good-looking. For instance, Janus-faced Conchita Wurst. A real decadent beau(ty), living kitch. A propos, `The moustached girl` had appeared earlier than the image of Conchita Wurst became famous, I even suspected that person of plagiarism. But then I realized that the artistic ideas had been in the air. Besides, Austria is a homeland of my good friend Dr. Fun (Freud). So it`s up to that country. - AAO).
The United Sexy Boys is an improbably popular parody group in Russia. They do not make parodies of the certain performers. They ironicaly, sarcastically, talently imitate the sterotypes and manners of people of the show business and a style of the modern pop music and video clips on the whole. By the way, if they`d promoted themselves as a pop band they`d have had a great success. It speaks ill of the modern pop, yet it does their credit! They arrange their numbers in the same manner, but this `bottle` is every time filled with new wine.
The `bottle` is their presence in the music TV studio where they present their new albums. They exchange caustic remarks with the very cultural and civil D.J. in a deliberate politically incorrect form, then their music video is presented (usually, an unfinished one due to the moral panic effect). The USB frontman is Andrei Minin (his hero is Dyusha Metyolkin, an impudent, self-confident guy wearing dark glasses with fragments of a broken mirror on them pretending to be Swarowski), Sergei Gorelikov (his hero Serge Goreliy aka Turbo is a complacent hot person who use strong language and is number two in the group), Konstantin Malasayev (his hero Nikita is a silly, naïve guy whose head is always kept shut because even his mates who are well-known with their nonsense are afraid of his saying something extraorinarily ridiculous, and his first phrases prove them to be true), Dmitry Vyushkin (red-haired Ghena, an overfree playboy) and Andrei Shelkov (Stas who begins every phrase like this: `Lemme say, aha?`and is the second director of the USB videos, he`s also a bewitching dancing master in the Bouchardon`s video (see below)). All guys are residents of the weekly Comedy Club Show that is a leading TV program for the young people in Russia. (By the way, all their numbers are written and staged by them only, they`re as well their own choreographers and lyricists).
THE LOVING CUP
В провинции Шампань, в усадьбе вековой,//Жил граф де Бушардон с супругой молодой,//Охотится любил в лесу граф на лису,//И часто оставлял супругу он одну. Как только покидал де Бушардон свой дом,//Графиню посещал сосед, барон Бриньон, За ним учитель танцев наведывался следом,//Графиню два часа гонял по менуэтам. Затем пришел к ней повар, гуся фаршировал,//С ним вместе пекарь был, он жарить помогал,//Потом пришел к ней лекарь, пощупал ей живот, //А после трубочист прочистил дымоход. Был плотник у нее, пастух, портной и жнец,//Крестьян пять человек, Два раза был кузнец, //Когда настала ночь, аббат к ней заходил,//И за прошедший день грехи ей отпустил. И знала вся шампань, и нищие, и знать,//Что Бушардон графиня, законченная блядь. Уважаемые знатоки, кем, по мнению провинции Шампань, была графиня де Бушардон? Хэ! Удачи вам.
AN OPEN SECRET
In province of Champagne, in their old estate
There lived the Bouchardons, the blue blood newly weds.
The Count liked to shoot the foxes in the vales
And so he often left his spouse to herself.
As soon as Count left his patrimonial home
On his young wife was called their neighbour de Brignon,
The dancing master came immediately next,
He made her sweat all right for steps of minuets.
Her cook was ordered then to staff her well-plucked turkey,
Her baker asked again a screw for his hard working.
A visit of her doc who scanned her, probed, palpated
Was followed by a sweep who cleaned her organ`s ventil.
She welcomed all her men, a joiner, shepherd, reaper,
Her tailor who made her, her blacksmith (twice!), five tillers.
The night fell, and her priest came in requesting favours.
She asked him to remit her sins in Count`s absence.
The province of Champagne, both poverty and glut,
Knows Madam Bouchardon`s a dedictated slut!
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Dyusha Metyolkin: `Dear experts! Whom do you think was Countess Bouchardon from the view-point of Champagne? Ah? I wish you every success!`
PUSSY AND THE BEARD
Commuter train. A five-year girl is observing a bushy black beard of a man sitting against her and her mom. The man has noticed it and asked:
-Do I look like your daddy?
-No, mister! You look like my mom`s pussy. My daddy`s handsome!
EVERYONE IS NOT THAT PRETTY
A four-year girl is waving a `magic wand`.
-And now, mom, you gonna turn out to be the most beautuful woman!
-Like you, my dear?
-No! My magic wand ain`t that magic!
DADDY THE POOH!
Father is wearing trunks. After examining him from front and rear his little daughter concluded:
- Daddy, you`ve poohed your pants from the wrong side!
A BURDEN OF THEIR CHOICE
-Why plaices are flat?
-`Cuz their husbands are whales!
HUMAN TREATMENT
My granny killed geese for the winter. I cried until she explained she had done it lest they could catch cold in winter.
TRUST BUT VERIFY!
-Mommy, I`ve just seen a woman who washed her mug!
-You must be mean by that `her face`?
-Wait, I gonna run and verify. (quickly returning) Mom, you`re right, her face. But a little bit. The rest is her mug.
THE FIRST OXYMORON
(about a caterpillar) What a beautiful vile thing!
BACK TO THE FUTURE
Tomorrow I gonna get up as early as late the last night.
MAKING AN URGENT INQUIRY
(waking up his parents early in the morning on Sunday) Mom, dad, what if a kind lion meet a familiar giraffe in savannah? Will he eat her up or not?
LIVING LIKE A DAME
When will you play with me? After work daddy is watching TV. Mommy is cooking! Just look at this Dame!
I SWEAR ON THE BIBLE!
-My grandma swears `damn, damn, damn!`
-And my grandma swears `God, God, God!`
ALL DEPENDS
- Whom would you like to be when you grow up?
-If I am a man, then I`ll be a doctor. If I am a woman, then I`ll be an engineer.
ONE-WAY TICKET
- Wanna know a secret? I was kissed by a boy in the kindergarten. Someone Johnny. He`so good.
- Did you kiss him as well?
- No! I am afraid of the worms!
Wow! Your fantasy is running into the ground!
FEELING RELIEVED
-Mommy, do you have only two tits?
-Of course.
-Then they`re wrong. I am not a son of a bitch at all!
FAIRLY FAIRILY
-Mom. Look! What a belly!
-Laugh not at the lady. She`s got a baby inside!
-Is she really a lady ogre?
PEACEDEATH, BLYA!*
-Mom, do all people die?
-Alas, sonny!
-We too?
-Yes!
-It can`t be true. You must be kidding!
*If to pronounce English words `peace` and `death` together without a pause there appears the Russian word meaning `kaput(t)`, `all up with …`., `death`, `no-win situation`, `deadlock`, `force majeure`, etc. The word is used everywhere and in every step in the informal, colloquial speech, in spite of the fact that it`s considered to be a tabooed one. If a doc declares that his patient suffers from an incurable disease in the terminal stage, the first phrase of the Russian patient will be `Peacedeath, blya!` or `Peacedeath to the kitten! Won`t shit anymore!` (an unlucky person about himself).
Social commercial `Dad, do not drink!` Someone added `without me!`
IMMORTAL, OR SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!
Nanny`s singing the old Russian homeless children` song `And no one will ever know//Where my grave is, oh yeah!` The little girl echoes: ` And no one will ever know//Where YOUR grave will be, wow!` Nanny : `You should have sung `my grave`, dear! Girl: `Aren`t you deaf. So I`ve sung! Where YOUR grave will be …!`
`And no one will ever know where my grave is, oh yeah!` Russian homeless children`s informal anthem since the 20s of the 20 c. https://youtu.be/Mguq3JSu9Fs
WHAT A LOSS! Mother (in depression). `When I die, they`ll burn me!` Little daughter: It`s awesome! What will be with your shoes ?
NARAYAMA
They said it was an old lady who had died! Nope! It was an oldman! I saw the people carrying his coffin before him and arming him tightly. He cried like a baby as he must have refused to be buried!
CULTURAL SHOCK
The four-year city girl for the first time in a country. The local girl of the same age says:
-Hi, I`m Lisa. What`s your name?
- (sticking out her foot) I`m Iron Man.
LITTLE GIRLS ARE THE NATURAL-BORN DIPLOMATS
The children asked the two-year (!) girl to play with her toys and pets But she occurred to be little Machiavelli: `The doll is ill. The pussy cat loves to bite children`. (She didn`t like the idea, yet she avoided of the direct refuse and didn`t lose her face to achieve what she wanted).
DADDY COOL
-Who`s more good-looking? Daddy or mommy?
-Not gonna answer, or else I`d have to abuse YOU, mom!
Daddy said `Do what you want but never wake me up!`
FORWARD TO THE PAST
-Mom, can people sleep backwards?
-What d`you mean?
-To fall asleep in the morning and wake up last night.
IN THE LAP OF THE DADS
Four-year boy sitting on his father`s lap in the bus. A lady came in, and trying to be polite as he was taught he jumped up and courtly addressed her: `Ma`am, take your seat, please!`
THE DAUGHTERS OF HENRY KISSINGER
Jane had two toys and Maggie just one. It effectively prevented them from their making friends. But they wanted to play together. What did they do to have no obstacles? They simply broke one of the toys after blaming it for being evil. Friendship begins from the mutual and sincere concessions and compromises.
The book`s title reads `How to massage your teddy bear` (The `Develop your know-how skills` series of books for scouts).
WHEN I`M SIXTY FOUR
- How old are you, dear?
- Soon I`ll be eight, but now I`m just three years old.
(After Alexei Panteleyev`s Short story `Letter `You` (1945)) YOU AND I
Some time ago I was hired to teach a little girl to read and write. She was just four and a half years old, and she was very smart. It took us just three days to reach the letter `I`. But as soon as we began to learn it there appeared an unexpected problem.
As usual I showed little Irene the new letter `I`. Having heard `I`, the little girl looked shy at it and asked me very carefully:
-You?!
- No, Irene! It`s `I`.
- Letter `You`, aren`t you kidding?
-No, letter `I`.
-I understand that it`s not you, it`s this letter that`s called `you`.
-No and yes! It`s really not me, but it`s really a letter but it`s called `I` rather than `You`. Now tell me what letter is this?
-This is a letter `You`.
I felt I was boiling inside. I came to Irene and pointed out my finger to her.
-Who`s this?
-It`s me. I!I!I!I!
-So is that damn letter! It`s also `I`!. Have you grasped it?
-Yes! It`s a letter `You`! You! You! You! You! How can`t you understand it? I am I and the letter is `You`!
-Oh no! It`s you!
-Not me, but you! And that letter is `You` too!
-No! `I`! Repeat it, be so kind!
-You!!!
Well, well, well! What to do? How to explain her that letter in a right way? And I had a sudden brave wave, I made up my mind to make her read the words containing that letter `I`.
-Irene, dear! Read me this sentence, please!
-Youke has got an youPhone!
-What Youke? A new phone?!
-Not a new phone, but a youPhone!
I looked into the ABC book and read `Ike has got an `iPhone!`
I roared with laughter. I coudn`t help it. If you only were in my place …
-But this is just an iPhone, after all!
She got surprised and asked me:
-So, is this really letter `I`?
I was about to pronounce `Yes, it is!` But then I checked myself, and I said with a cunning smile:
-Indeed, it`s letter `You`! I swear!
-You should have said it at once. Now I understand that this letter is not `You`, but `I`.
At last! At last she learned that crafty letter and since that moment she`ll have managed to avoid of speaking and reading `youdea` for `idea`, `youcon` for `icon` and, by the way, `Yourene` for `Irene`. Now that she emails me sometimes I see that everything`s tip-top, and my efforts were not wasted! (Trans. Andrew Alex Owie)
I`M NIKITA, OR NEW SIMPLICIUS` INVOLUNTARY ADMISSIONS
Nikita, one of the united sexy boyz (he played madame de Bouchardon) is well known by his not-to-the-point and out-of-place infantile statesments and naïve and unexpected involuntary admissions being made by him during their show.
Nikita
Many of them became popular as ironical catchphrases. Here s some of those brilliant malapropisms: I`m Nikita, my favourite position is 68. I`m Nikita, I`ve got two dads. I`m Nikita, I dream of tasting cocaine. I`m Nikita, I get a tan topless. I`m Nikita, I collect choc-ice sticks. I`m Nikita, I faint when someone says `arsehole`. I`m Nikita, I was baptized by Skype. I`m Nikita, I sneeze when I have an orgasm. I`m Nikita, I pick up my chicks in the Wikipedia. I`m Nikita, I`m afraid of the switched on vacuum cleaner. I`m Nikita, I`m taken away by one tequila.
I`m Nikita, my favourite dance is cha-cha-cha! I`m Nikita, I get a tan with pebbles on my nipples. I`m Nikita, I am such a bitch when I`m tipsy. I`m Nikita, when skydiving I do a poo into the sea. I`m Nikita, when I pee I raise my leg. I`m Nikita, I even don`t know what to say.
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
DON`T WET YOUR PANTS! HAVE NO ANTS IN`EM! JUST WEAR YOUR MOUSTACHE!
Garry `Bulldog` Kharlamov - The Lips Group - Гарик "Бульдог" Харламов - Группа Губы. https://youtu.be/wAQ-0HSebLA
Today we got up in our dormitary and realized that our faces were decorated with the moustaches. So this song`s dedicated to all thouse fellas who have got no moustache!
Twixt your nose and lips, my darling,
There`s a hairy place that`s puck`ring.
If you grow bald, my friend,
A moustache helps you feel grand.
Refrain
Wear your moustache,
Wear your moustache
Wear your moustache
And in your pants have no ants!
If you are a pefect goon,
Or on cheeks of yours is bloom,
A moustache won`t suit you, dear,
You should try to wear your beard. Refrain
We`ve begun from the moustache,
But soon reached the pants in rush.
If a moustache of yours extends
Tuck it into your silk pants. Refrain
Gonna cut your stash off? No!
You`ll be no macho more!
For the sake of healthy nations
We oppose the epilation. Refrain
(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Marcel Duchamp (1919-1965) added a beard and moustache to Mona Lisa in 1964. He produced 38 moustached Giocondas including #21 (right). Duchamp was the first, he might be considered to be the founding father of pop art, Andy Warhol and others just followed him.
In the late 70s of the 20 c. Andy Warhol also created his own pop art series of Monas (above) a decade after she had visited the USA and was accompanied by JFK and Jackie. In 2009 French artist Victor Vidal painted his `Duchamp as Monalisa` (left). Everyone wants to be Mona Lisa and still wear an elegant moustache. But it`s impossible. Among us, ladies: she cut her stash off long ago! Why? To avoid the mistaken identity with Leonardo da Vinci and Conchita Wurst! What makes Concha a woman? Just a dress! It`s the dress that forms her secondary sexual characters! Commodity! Prêt-à-porter! As to Mona she`s an haute couture forever!
PLAYCHILD IN HORROR, OR GOING BEYOND THE CULTURAL STEREOTYPES
EPIGRAPH: `By an arc of sea a green oak stands;//to the oak a chain of gold is tied;//and at the chain’s end night and day//a learnèd cat walks round and round.//Rightwards he goes, and sings a song;//leftwards, a fairy tale he tells.//There’s magic! (Alexandre Pushkin`s Prologue to `Ruslan and Lyudmila`)(Trans. by Roger Clarke).
The Oxbridge Learned Cat and his friend Roger Clarke
EROS&THANATOS IN THE INFORMAL FOLKLORIC JUVENILES (CHILDREN`S UNDERGROUND LITERATURE)
The Russian children`s and teenagers` folklore is a special culturological phenomenon. Its specific features are its hermetic usage (the parents, grown-ups have no access to it), sex equality (it`s designated both for girls and boys and never for girls only and boys only), innocence paradoxically combining with the undisguised, sometimes shocking erotic, sexual contents, obscene vocabulary (making no bones about what`s being told), humour, surrealism, playing on words and the use of rhymes. Love of cops and animals, immanent justice, out-of-time moral philosophy (vox Dei) and nonpolitical attitude are also present as permanent features.
WHAT USE IS A GIRL? Boy, tell me, what would you like best of all? A catapult! What if the catapult`s unavailable? Then a girl! What for? To bring her to the thick wood, strip off her knickers, extract the elastic and make the catapult!
There are only two topics that are being taken into account, they are Eros and Thanatos. The main genres are the funny anecdotes and bogeyman stories. The social environment that enables to develop this subculture is the scout camps, hospitals, kindergartens and schools. Sometimes the bogeyman stories and grim humour are present in a form of the so called bogeyman verses that have got four lines, a couple of distiches.
Little one played on a big building site.
He fell down occasionaly in a working batch plant.
His mother went shopping and suddenly saw
Her sonny smile joyfully through the new wall. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The socio-psychological purpose of that informal creative activities is quite obvious, they prepare children for real life and teach them to meet problems bravely to survive and never give in. The anonymous authors, children and teenagers themselves, are trusted without reserve because they describe the reality as it is but they adapt it so that the children`s consciousness could put up with the imperfect world, accept reality without being hurt, injured, so that every child would prefer life rather than death. It`s kinda spontaneous artistic psychoanalysis.
A teenagers` funny anecdote HAUTE CUISINE
Once a piece of cunt`s flesh was served for Pushkin at a banquet. Pushkin took out his penis and put it on the table beside the plate. `Alexandre Sergeyevich, what are you doing?!` Having exclaimed it the waiter attracted everybody`s attention. In dead silence Pushkin explained it like this: `Like meat like fork!`
Besides it`s a system of the grass roots moral values shared by all the children in all years enabling them understand one another without problem, a word to the wise, a social age-specific log-ins and secret passwords for obtaining an acess to the children`s real-life social `network`. In some respect, `Avatar` is present, all are linked in here too. All children are grass (The learned cat alluded to the title of Clifford D. Simak`s sci-fi novel `All Flesh Is Grass` (1965).
ACORNS (LIKE THE SKULLS)Как весело лопаются желуди//Под колесом велосипеда.// Чпок-чпок-чпок//Как черепа!// Моя система очень нервная//Она готова раздавить всех.
See how merrily the acorns crack
Under the wheel of my big cycle! Refrain
Crack, crack, crack!
Quite like the skulls! (twice)
My system is too nervous, and
It`s ready to run down all. Refrain (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE YELLOW CURTAINS
Once a family, mom, dad, a boy and girl, made up their minds to purchase the curtains. Their grandma has died recently. Before her death she`d said: `Buy curtains whatever you want, except for the yellow ones!` The family explored the whole market place, but there were just yellow curtains. They thought it over and bought the yellow ones. They drew the curtains in the nursery when returned home.
Next night when the parents and children slept the yellow curtains got the boy up,
-Boy, get up! The boy got up.
-Boy, go and wash your face. The boy did it.
-Boy, have your breakfast! He did it too.
-Come to the window and look at you sister playing in the yard.
He approached the window and the yellow curtains pushed him out of it. The same was done with the girl too. (Then a narrator suddenly srceams: `Gimme your heart!` And the present scream altogether and in the altogether `cuz such bogeyman stories are used to be told in the boy- or girlscouts`dorters or big tents. - AAO).
In the morning the parents went to the police. The policemen came to examine the curtains. But they failed to cut a piece of them `cuz they slipped out of the scissors as flesh. And that moment the parents remembered the old woman in the market place, the one who had sold them those curtains. She was caught, and evidenced: `These curtains are not just curtains. They can be cut only with a scalpel that is inside of the Kremlin Star`!
So the policemen climbed up the Kremlin tower and got the scalpel out of its star. As soon as they touched the curtains with it, there was an explosion, and the curtains and scalpel disappeared.
A three-year old children`s funny anecdote THE CHANGED GAME DIRECTIVE
Once little Pushkin, Lermontov and Chinese girl Foo Tsie played hide-and-seek. Pushkin and Foo Tsie concealed themselves under the table. Lermontov looked for them long, but in vain. He surrendered and prayed: `Pushkin! Foo Tsie! Where`re you?` He heard Pushkin`s voice: `We`re playing footsie under the table!`
THE SCARLET STAIN
A family moved in the new flat. There was a scarlet stain on a wall. The builders were in a hurry and forgot to paint it over. In the morning the girl found out that her mom had been dead. After that the stain got even brighter. Next night the girl slept and felt a big fright. She opened her eyes and saw a hand showing itself out of the stain and stretching out to her. The girl got startled, wrote down a note and died. When the policemen came they failed to find anything. A policeman shot the scarlet stain and it disappeared. When the policeman returned home he found out that scarlet stain on the wall above his bed. When he was asleep he felt that someone was strangling him. He opened fire! All the neighbours came running and saw the policeman lying strangled. But the scarlet stain totally disappeared.
Once a girl found a piece of caca,
`What should I do with it?` she asked her papa.
`Throw it away!`It was daddy`s command.
He had to wash all he had got on his front. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE WHEELIE COFFIN
It was the first day of the sping holidays. A girl stayed home all alone. Her mom went to work, and the girl began to have fun, play with her dolls, nick her mom`s cosmetics and watch TV as much as she liked. There was a newscast then. Suddenly they showed a graveyard. The gates of it was open wide, and a wheelie coffin rolled out of it. It was such a nice, black and glittering coffin. Am amazing thing! It was rolling by itself! And then a voice out of the TV set announced: `Girl, just look here, girl! The wheelie coffin is searching your street. Soon it gonna arrive there!` The girl got startled, switched off the TV set and decided to conceal herself. He ran to the kitchen and found her shelter under the table. She almost rolled herself into a ball lest she could be viewed from outside. But it was reported over the radio,
-Girl, I say, girl! The wheelie coffin has found your street. It`s your house that`s under search! The girl grasped the receiver to ring up her mom, but the same voice out of it informed her: `Hullo, girl! The wheelie coffin has found out your house and it`s looking for your entrance now!` The girl became panic and started dashing around the flat in search for a new shelter. Having taken her cell phone she got into the clothes washer. The moment she was about to phone her mom she heard a ringtone. It was a melody of the Frederic Chopin`s funeral march: `Airbus` is an excellent aircraft, `Airbus` is an excellent aircraft, you should have gone by train, my dear, you should have gone by train, my dear ... `. Then the familiar voice said: `Girl, may I ask your attention! The wheelie coffin is now in your entrance. It`s searching for your flat`.
The girl looked at the number of the incoming ring. It occurred to be a Master of the Graveyard. That very moment she received his SMS that read: `Girl, poor girl! The wheelie coffin has discovered your flat. It`s busy looking for your shelter!` And then the whole world spinned like a top! When girl`s mom came back home in the evening she found her daughter in the washer. The girl was all clean, neat and tidy. And a little bit dead. There was a little wheel in her mouth.
A four-year old children`s funny anecdote PURSE & THE CANNON
Once a little child came in his parents` bedroom and saw them naked for the first time. The child pointed out to his mom`s pussy and asked: `What`s this?` She explained: `This is my purse!`. Then the child pointed out to his daddy`s penis: `What`s that?` His daddy replied: `This is my cannon and cannon wheels!` The child went to bed. At night he woke up and noticed burglars. He shouted: `Mom, quick! Hide your purse! Daddy, attention! Roll out your cannon!`
Love me, love my doppel gaenger [ˈdɔpəlˌɡɛŋɐ]
THE BLACK COFFIN
A boy had an elder sister who was a girlscout. One night he woke and saw her sister coming out of the window with her outstretched arms. The boy tried to figure out where she could go at such a late hour. And he followed her! The sister crossed the dustbin area without noticing it and went to the black forest. The boy followed her again. Soon he saw a black house in the black forest, and after he had gone farther he discovered a black room in the black house in the black forest. There was a black coffin with white pillow standing on the black table. His sister went to it as to bed, spent there about eight minutes, then got up and as cheerly as you please made her way back home! The boy wanted to try it too, he was never ever in a coffin in his life, and he did it. He stretched in the coffin, then tried to get up, but couldn`t move a finger! He had to spend there night and day until his elder sister came back. She had the outstretched arms and closed eyes and a credit card in her white teeth. The boy prayed: `Sister, dear sister! Take me out of the coffin!` But she couldn`t hear him. Instead, she closed the coffin`s cover and drove in it silver nails! After that she moved the coffin to the cellar and buried it in the black earth with the use of her girlscout`s digging tool. Oh boy! No doubt the big sister couldn`t remember what she had done at night. Later she married a black man who was a coalminer. As to the boy, he must have suffocated in the coffin and died.
A piece of veneer and two brave boyscouts.
They do the abortions with a fork on girlscouts.
Their leader as always seems prepared and cool.
His task`s to kill foet`ses with his sharp digging tool. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE BLACK BOOMERBoomer is BMW car in the Russian slang.
Chidren started being missing in a city. The police launched a thorough investigation. One day a policeman saw black `Boomer` reached a boy. A man came out of her and offered the boy a sweet (Sorry, Americans, `candy` - ААО). The boy unwrapped the sweet and saw a picture of a tiny skeleton on the wrapper inside. The man offered the boy: `Come with me in my car, and you gonna get a helluva of those sweets!` The boy agreed and jumped into her. She started briskly, and the policeman failed to catch her up on his mighty motorcycle no matter how he tried. Though he lost a sight of the car, he managed to follow her way by the tread footprints. The car occured to stand near the abandoned church. There was an enormous oak tree behind of the church`s fence. That oak tree was as wide as a baobab. When the owner of the car was away the policeman penetrated into his garage and noticed children`s skulls, bones and skeletons in all the corners of it, and besides there were containers full of meat and bottles full of blood. There were buttons on the wall reminding those of the elevator. He pressed one of them and lowered. First the underground floors had only children`s corpses, but as soon as he reached the four floor he heard a child crying. He saw the boy he had met the day before and lifted him from the concrete ground. They lifted together to the garage and he placed the boy on his motorcycle and ordered to wait for him. The policeman returned and viewed the black car, that very `Boomer`in the yard of the abandoned church. That time there was a woman with that man. They had the sweets with tiny skeletons on their wrappers in their hands. The policeman made them to eat up all those sweets and they fell asleep. After that he pushed the criminals into the Boomer`s boot (trunk), took the boy and they drove to the police station.
Brownies` informal scansion Chest of a Popeye!
Arse of an old guy!
Legs of a cheerleader,
Arms of a crapcleaner! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE BLACK HAND
One man was a switchman on a railway station. He lived nearby railway points in a small house next to the municipal cemetery. One day he had a big problem. As soon as Moscow Vladivostok train followed there appeared a black hand that took something from him. His ear, his eye, his left kidney. At last there left just one leg. He limped somehow to the switch, returned home, went to bed, turned blue as a dead body and started expecting the black hand. The hand flew into the chimney, and he had his last leg torned off by it! Moscow Kiev train was to be next after Moscow Vladivostok train, but that time the switchman couldn`t do what he was to have done. The only thing he could do was to be in bed and wheeze lapsing into coma. If he had been in his right mind, he would have hardly worked either since he had neither legs nor arms, nor his eye, nor his ear, nor his left kidney. It was that villain, the black hand that had carried away all his organs and limbs. Only trunk was intact! As the switchman neglected his duty Moscow Kiev train jumped the track and crashed! After that the house of the switchman was visited by the police. They saw the armless and legless body getting blue going on purple! Absolutely helpless creature that`s what that trapper was! So the chief cop ordered to lay an ambush! At noon a diesel locomotive whistled, and the cemetery jackals trumpeted all together as a jumbo elephant, and then the black hand flew into the room. The cops shot the hand, tried to put the handcuffs on it, but the hand managed to spread its fingers wide apart and they failed. At last it gave them a finger, stole the switchman`s last organ, his heart, and slipped through the ventlight. They saw it flying to Kiev! As to the trapper he was buried in the cemetery just because it was nearby.
Kuzya the cat picked up in October was officially assigned to the position of assistant librarian in the Novorossiysk children's library. An order fixing his specially calculated monthly salary of 30 packs of ‘Whiskas’ was approved by the director. Kuzya’s duty as a member of staff is to take part in children`s events as a character of Pushkin’s Learned Cat. http://russia-ic.com/news/show/16944#.VFi1iRa1vmg
Learned Cat`s Commentary: The plot of that children`s bogeyman story was used by composer Leonid (Lazarus) Fagin in his interpretation of Franz von Suppe`s operetta `Donna Juanita` (1888). He composed couplets of Sir Douglas, and inserted them into Suppe`s score.
Couplets of Colonel Sir Douglas, Commander-in-Chief of San Sebastian, Franz von Suppe `Donna Juanita`. https://youtu.be/SJYOBfp6jbY
Douglas loves explosions and as result of his pyrotechnical activities he serially loses his leg, arm, eye, ear, but he never loses heart! As to the family name of Fagin, it really is the same that the fictional character of Charles Dickens` novel `Oliver Twist` had got. As the Russian saying goes, `Two Hemispheres, two Shapiros` («два мира, два Шапиро»). Leonid Fagin was a nephew of the `Lolita`s author Vladimir Nabokov`s wife. He moved to London in 1988 as a refusenik. Unfortunately, soon London was flooded by Dickens` Fagins from Russia.
Franz von Suppe (1819-1895) and Leonid Fagin (1923-2009)
A five-year old children`s funny anecdote PERVERSION OF THE TRUTH
Once Pushkin hooked a liver sausage between his legs and went for a walk. He saw a naked girl in the street. He proded her pussy with his walking stick and asked: `Is it a beaver?`
-Nope, just yarn!
-As to me, I`ve got a liver sausage for my penis.
Pussy cat Grey Mary (Murka)
The next story seems to be quite literary by its form as some teenagers start to imitate the style of the adult bestselling writers. BLOODY MARY
The scouts` camp was prepared to be closed the next day. It was the last night in the tents! The discipline was strict in the camp, even the Queen Night was forbidden that year! But the girlscouts decided to celebrate it undercover. They wanted to have fun together before going home! First everything was all right. They tried on various dresses, compared their make-ups, bolstered, told bogeyman stories, but Lisa suddenly offered to raise a ghost. The girls was delighted a great deal. Wow! Well done, Lisa!
-Whom are we going to invoke? - asked Lisa feeling quite flaterred. But soon she felt she`d be glad if the girls would have denied her initial proposal.
-A shooting star! They say the shooting stars are the souls of the dead people who had to come back to the real world to finish something important. (Of course, it was an idea of Alisa).
-But how can we do it if the shooting stars have got no names?! The late people had got their names, as to the stars ... and then what kind of people they were, what if they were mean? It was the voice of Lisa who used the last opportunity to make the girls have some other fun. But the girls came to the unanimous opinion, they made up their minds to raise a ghost of Bloody Mary! With the help of a mirror!
The girls drew the circle, wrote down letters, numbers, YES, NO, UNKNOWN, prepared a thread and needle, lit up the candles, and even brought a black pussy cat. The animal began to dream in Lisa`s lap immediately. Then all the present solemnly proclaimed: `Bloody Mary, appear! Appear, Bloody Mary!` All of a s-s-sudden, the needle moved a bit! The girls were startled! It was going to be more than just an innocent silly game. Lisa was the first person who pulled herself together. She asked rather timidly: `What is the name of your boyfriend?` Yet the needle started spinning in dead silence. A shadow appeared from the little mirror, black but definitely defiantly feminine figure! All the present got very pale! Alisa fainted! The ghost approached the girls. That very moment the pussy cat began to purr as if addressing the guest ghost. In response the apparition stopped, and listening to that incessant sound it began to disappear. As soon as the ghost disappeared all the girl were fast asleep. In the morning they decided it had been their dreams! None noticed that for some reason the black pussy cat turned grey!
A teenagers` rhymed funny anecdote PUSHKIN AND IT GIRL -Pushkin, Pushkin, I want you!
-So do I!
But honestly I would prefer the night!
`Cuz it`s not proper in the store
To screw an it girl on the floor!` (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE BLACK GRAND PIANO
A girl from one family was infatuated with the classical music. So the parents bought a black grand piano for her as the best Birthday gift! The guests at her Birthday party asked her to play something. When the girl started playing she felt terrific pain and uneasiness. But the parents came to conclusion that she was just capricious, and she was made to continue. She had been playing for many hours. In the morning she couldn`t get up. She was melting as snow. In several day there appeared the blue spots on her fingers. Then the parent decided to disassemble the instrument. They opened up the piano`s wing and discovered an ugly old witch who sucked the musicians` blood dry and they killed her on-site. After that the girl recovered.
SPEAKING IN THE RIDDLES(A child to child): What colour is your hair? Blonde! And on your head?
CRISS-CROSS, TRICK-TRACK, BANG-BANG: Guess what is it, one cross on another cross? Answer: It`s a priest and nurse on each other.
The children`s and teenager`s folklore only sometimes and indirectly influences the adult one. It never affects the youngsters` and adults` official mass culture and poster panel advertising. The same can be said about the so called serious literature. That`s understandable, they`ve all got different functions and satisfy different inner requirements. After all, the adult and children have got the different psychophisiology and social milieu. But deep at our hearts we are the children, my friends! `We keep our fighting till the end`. So `We`re the children, we`re the children …!`
But are we all Russian? To ascertain that some of us are the Russian try to read the Russian word written by these geometric figures. If you`ve managed to read it at once, you`re Russian for sure! If not, then … . By the way, the figures just form the Russian word of ЖОПА ASS (ARSE) [Zho-Pa]
EQUINE, BOVINE, HUMANE
As you must have noticed, the frequent `guest stars` of the Russian children`s folkloric masterpieces are Alexandre Pushkin and Mikhail Lermontov, #1 and #2 of the Golden Age of the Russian classical poetry. The fans of the adult folksy art prefer prose, Tolstoy and his characters, let alone that literary-folkloric character lieutenant Rzewski. Sometimes they go all in one plus the inventive choreography which sources are in the final analysis either Russian Gipsy dance or Russian classical ballet of the art nouveau epoch*. It's inconceivable, but it seems to be a fact!
Natasha Rostova goes to the ball! A Russian fellow (a Russian variant of a `cockney` guy) is brilliantly dancing a Gipsy dance in a grotesque, farcical style, a style of the so called Russian chançon**, and telling a ball yarn keeping all necessary foul expressions intact to look more artistic, convincing and faithful to himself. You may seem him to be vulgar, but that very manner was usual during the Renaissance and that very type of humour was deeply loved by Leonardo da Vinci. https://youtu.be/RE-fyXTYOrQ
`Good evening! Once Natasha Rostova and her mom rushed at full speed to the ball party in their carriage. Just fancy, a cart road in a country place, wooden wheels of their carriage. Natasha and her mom are having got bright make-ups on their faces. They are all dressed out! White ballgowns! Oh-oh-oh-oh! Rat-tat-rat-tat-tat-tat-tat! Faster! Faster! They rode their fucking terrible horses hard! (Mom to their coachman): `Can we ride even faster, eh? We`re late for the ball!` The coachman mumbled something in response, but quite unexpectedly he clearly articulated one word: `Can`t`!` The carriage accelerated just a bit, and Natasha inquired her mom: `Mom, what`s a cunt?` `Oh, daughter, ha-ha-ha, how to explain it?` ( to herself: `Who`s made me, an old slut, ask that vulgar coachman to speed up?! Fuck!`Your bunny wrote!***) Natasha, it`s the local word defining a horse! Wow! They came in time! They oh-oh-oh! Ah-ah-ah! The ball began.While dancing with lieutenant Rzewski Natasha remembered that he was from the local place and asked him: `Lieutenant, by the way, have you got a cunt?` `Of course, not. What a silly question!` `It can`t be so! Ha-ha-ha-tee-hee-hee! As to me I`ve got it!` Lieutenant: `Really? I didn`t know!` Natasha: `Yes! Yes! Yes! No kidding! When I stroke and groom it, it neighs like that! (the performer imitates a neighing horse)`.
LEARNED CAT`S COMMENTARY AND ILLUSTRATIONS: **The Russian chançon is a specific dance, vocal and fashion style imitating the subculture of the Russian prisons. It only partly co-incides with that subculture, but mainly it`s a commerzialized parody of it taking its place in a domain of the profitable popular culture and is performed by the artists who had never anything to do with the real criminal world. The fans of that style are often pretending to seem hooligans by their specific appearance, poses (squatting down) and casual look garments, and vulgar gestures, and offensive manners, but they`re are rarely the real tough guys, but mostly they are either professional artistes or amateur performers or unacknowledged street dancers rather than the street fistfighters. They mostly dance. The most popular dance of that style is `patsandoble` (`paso doble`) (from the Russian word `patsan` -`guy`, `tough guy`). The `patsanchiks` mostly use the melody of only one genuine Spanish paso doble. Sometimes `patsanchiks` arrange `dance-battles` to get to learn which of them performs that dance best. But as a result there appear brilliant artistic pairs.
The battle of two dancers, the Corrida of Dance. By the way, they form an excellent, complimenting pair like Don Quixote and Sancho Panza (Performers are Lyosha (Alexei) and Semyon (Simon) (aka BES (DEVIL)) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g57ySztLUw4
The last illustration has been taken by me from the Russian TV series for the youth, from `The Real Patsans`. A boy pretending to be a tough guy after hearing sounds of real Spanish paso doble makes up his mind that it’s the `patsandoble` and makes the girl with whom he fell in love and who only knows the ballroom dances and twerk burst out laughing as she had never seen such street dances before.
***The American programmers couldn`t understand the reason by which their Russian colleagues had uttered that enigmatic phrase every time they had to find out a bug in a program. They all mentioned a bunny who wrote something!
NOTES OF PROTEST: While lying on the varnished surface of the grand piano Nastassya Samburskaya, the star of the TV series `Univer` («Универ»), is protesting against cruel attitude to bunnies. We have to associate ourselves with her protest.
Why not a bug? But there was a simple explanation: if to pronounce the phrase `Your bunny wrote!` quick in English there`ll be heard `Fuck my mouth!` in Russian. This phrase is known by all the Russian and is used as a highly expressive equivalent of `How annoying!`. It`s not an outrage, offence. The Russian children are used to hear their daddies say it in an unxpected situations. (A hammer fell onto a dad`s toe or he hit his fingernail with it instead of nails while fixing something on the wall!).
*The Russian chançon really originated from the classical romance that was transformed in the beginning of the 20 c. due to the cruel Revolution and severe Civil war and the GULAG. That time the criminal subculture and subculure and vocabulary of the refuges from Poland and Ukraine became the integral part of the informal Soviet art, literature, painting, music and dance. Since that time, however, they had become civilized and commercialized and have a tendency to the return to the their unobvious `official` roots (Gipsy romance, classical and folkloric choreography) or to the transformation into the aesthetically acceptable, highly artistic appearance where vulgar and folksy elements are percepted and interpreted as parodies, devices of humour and satire.
Scenes from the restored Mikhail Fokin-Alexandre Benois-Igor Stravinsky`s ballet Petrouchka (Petrushka). Russian choreographer Sergei Vikharev(Сергей Вихарев) from St. Petersburg met abroad all the living first performers of that ballet in Moscow in 1921 and he resurrected the initial choreograpic text, costumes, scenography, i.e. the former authors` original discourse. The world around Petrushka is the Russian life, the same name ballet is a dancing encyclopaedia of the Russian human types of any kind, men, women from different strata, of diverse professions, children, haves and have-nots, etc. The title characters are dolls of the Russian Folk Puppet Show, Petrushka (Ivan Vasiliev), Moor (Denis Savin) and Ballerina (Nina Kaptsova). Ivan Vasiliyev says that his Petrushka is a small, unhappy little doll, loser, but he is an only character who has got heart and soul. But world doesn`t give a damn about his heart`n`soul, especially beacause he is a miserable and wooden one, he`s a silly burattino! But despite his ugly appearance he`s kind, he`s innocent, he`s a child, and he`s natural born artiste! Nina Kaptsova says that her heroine is semidead-semilive, cool but flirty, she knows what she wants and she hunts for the rich Moor. Both are cruel birds of feather. Yuri Burlaka (Юрий Бурлака) (artistic leader of the Bolshoy ballet company) says that whether you might agree or disagree with the offered interpretation of the characters in that performance which pretends to be a replica of the original performance, but the nowadays performers live now, they`re our contemporaries, and they can`t help having the modern notion of their characters. The Learned Cat: `Petrushka is a dualistic folkloric character, he`s not as simple as he seems to be and as he`s represented in the ballet. That muppet is a small person who`s ready to stand for himself in the real world, who sometimes behaves, speaks, acts and moves as a real `patsanchik`!` To defend himself beforehand he tries to look a fright! Sometimes he really is!
Floor Attendant: He`s out. He didn`t stay overnight today! Andrei: But this is him! Danish Prof.: It`s me! Me! Andrei: Please, be quick. Taxi`s waiting for me. Floor Attendant: (with reproof) I can hardly recognize you, Sir! Andrei: Follow me! Danish Prof.: Andrei, there were so many new words! Andrei: Yes-yes! Danish Prof.: I`ve remembered all of them. It can be of great intereset! Andrei: Please! Danish Prof.: Andrei, am I an alkach? (broken, right is `alkash`). Andrei: Alkach-alkach! (`Alkash` is a colloquial form of the Russian word of `alcoholic`) Danish Prof. : Andrei, are you a `khodok`? (`a womanizer`) Andrei: Khodok! Khodok! Well, Bill. You have to have a bath and go to bed. As to me, I must be off! Danish Prof.: Andrei! Khorosho sidim! (`We have a good time, eh!`, a traditional formula of drinking companions meaning ` keeping good company`. - ААО).
Norbert Kuchinke who played Professor Bill from Denmark. Minion of millions!
This is a scene from the Russian feature film shot by outstanding Georgian film director Georgiy Danelia. A Danish professor of the Russian literature (acted by the real (since 1973) reporter of Der Spiegel and Stern from then West Germany Norbert Kuchinke (1940-2013) drank too much vodka with the ordinary Russian folks and got into a police station in Moscow. He spent a stormy night in a sobering-up centre, so called `monkey house` and heard a lot of the unknown and interesting Russian words. In the morning he was released by request of his Russian colleague, Andrei (Russian actor Oleg Basilashvili). Since the release of that motion picture Norbert Kuchinke, now late, has been loved and remembered in Russia. Everybody knows him! He`s an immortal star!
FOLK DEVILS, MORAL PANICS* AND ROCK ON THE BONES * After the title of Stanley Cohen's Folk Devils and Moral Panics, 1972
A moral panic is an intense feeling expressed in a population about an issue that appears to threaten the social order. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_panic. Folk devil is a person or group of people who are portrayed in folklore or the media as outsiders and deviant, and who are blamed for crimes or other sorts of social problems http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folk_devil.
It was a pure Soviet phenomenon, the stilyagis (from `a stilyaga`, i.e. a `style hunter`), the subculture of the informal gild youth of the USSR in the 40-early 50s of the 20 c. They are often rendered into English quite variously as dandies, fashionistas, beatniks, hipsters, zoot suiters, etc., though an exacter expression would be `young people in trendy clothes dancing and listening to rock`n`roll`.
Today that informal romantic movement that never was political or social one is a part of the Soviet past that was as well a unique time of the Russian youngsters` wholehearted love of the then USA. The Cry Baby generation!
The former Soviet girl in trendy clothes, and now a poor Russian babooska playing a Soviet hit of the 50s in blues with the help of light bulb. It was one of the stilyagas` tricks! One of their social `passwords`! https://youtu.be/wsGOiX-ux-U
The Soviet young people in trendy clothes danced rock`n-roll and recorded the USA hits on the homemade disks, the former X-ray photographs. It was literally music on the bones!
Now stilyagis are a popular theme for the flash mobs expecially after the success of the same name Russian feature film.
The stilyagas had their own literature and folklore in Russian. Poems, songs. Their amateur songs became a part of the children`s folklore of the next generation which came after them. The poem-song below is one of such naïve masterpieces. People are used to think it`s got no author. But it was, really was. Someone A.I. Granowicz who composed several informal songs. His `Skull and the Cranberry` was the most famous one and there were many variants of its lyrics. People were his co-authors. Every social and age stratum had got its own cover version of the song.
As to stilyagis they stuck to the shorter version of the text. In the author`s text Ms. Cranberry remembered Mr. Skull many years later when she got old, but in the stilyagis` version it happened almost overnight! It was a tragic comedy! Oh, yeah, baby! As to music video that I`ve enclosed, it contains a variant written by the author, IMHO, less winning and effective. So I`ve preferred to translate the stilyagis` lyrics.
You can`t prevent people from rotting in a grand style!
НА МОГИЛЕ СТАРЫЙ ЧЕРЕП… Баллада из фольклора стиляг 60-х гг.
На могиле старый череп// Чинно гнил.//Клюкву красную с болота// Он любил. //Говорил он клюкве// Нежные слова: //- Приходи в могилу, //Будь моя! //А приходи в могилу, //А погнием вдвоем, //Для тебя, друг милый, //С тобой, друг милый,// Песенку споем…//Отвечала клюква черепу// Вот так: //- Старый череп, ты давно уж// Не чувак.//Лучше с чуваками в баре// Водку пить, //Чем с тобою на могиле// Чинно гнить.
А не пойду в могилу, //А догнивай один. //Лишь только саксофон// Саксофон, //Влечет меня один. ..Похиляла клюква в свой// Чувацкий клуб,//Где танцуют рок-н-ролл// И виски пьют. //Там в угаре пьяном// Клюква отдалась, //Вдруг из подземелья// Слышит грозный бас: //- А приходи в могилу, //А погнием вдвоем, //Для тебя, друг милый, //С тобой, друг милый, //Песенку споем. //Она пришла в могилу // А череп сгнил давно. //И клюква разрыдалась, //И горькими слезами//Оросила дно.
The Russian folks in trendy clothes` folklore (the 50s) – Ballad A.I. GRANOWICZ (GRANOVICH) AN OLD SKULL IN AN OLD GRAVEYARD
An old skull in an old graveyard
Rotted in a proper way.
He loved a cranberry from marsh
Very strongly but in vain.
He used to tell the cranberry
Very tender words.
`Come to my cosy sepulchre
Be mine, baby. Come on!
Come to my cosy sepulchre
We`ll nicely rot in core.
I`ll sing my little requiem,
We`ll dance the rock`n`roll!`
But the young red cranberry
Told the ancient shards:
-You entered your millennium,
I`ll simply waste my time!
I`d prefer with dudes
Drink vodka in a bar
Rather than to rot with you
In your dark graveyard.
Not gonna be your co-late,
You might as well rot single.
It`s but the golden saxophone
Whom I`d like to give in!
After that the cranberry
Toddled to a bar.
Rock`n`roll was tindery
As gin and local guys.
Dead drunk she made love frantic`lly,
But that very time
Right out of the underworld
She heard the thrilling cry:
`Come to my cosy sepulchre
We`ll nicely rot in core.
I`ll sing my little requiem,
We`ll dance the rock`n`roll!`
She came to his old sepulchre.
The scull reduced to dust.
The cranberry cried bitterly,
And tears from her eyes
Gushed into the old sepulchre.
Believe it or not, guys! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Cranberry
Another famous informal anthem of stilyagas was the below following iconic poem that anticipated Michael Jackson`s music video `Thriller`. The scene of the evergreen and ever-living macabre dance! Жил-был в Лондоне Стиляга,//Брюки-клеши он носил//И курил он все сигары,//Все сигары он курил.// Раз стиляги собралися,//И у них начался спор://Кто подольше протанцует//Модный танец рок-н-ролл.// Наш Стиляга согласился//Десять суток танцевать,//На девятые свалился,//Завещание сказал://"Как умру – похороните//И в могилу вбейте кол,//Через год ко мне придите//И станцуйте рок-н-ролл".// Год прошел, настало время,//Все стиляги собрались,//Инструменты разложили,//Заиграли рок-н-ролл.// Вдруг земля зашевелилась,//Кол осиновый упал,//Привидение явилось -//Наш Стиляга танцевал.// Изо рта валились черви,//Кости падали, бренча,//На плече сидела жаба//И кричала: "Ча-ча-ча!"// Все стиляги убежали//И забить забыли кол.//Очень скоро все узнали,//Что такое рок-н-ролл.
ROCK`N`BONES
Once upon a time in London
There lived a stylish dude.
He used to wear the bell-bottoms
And smoked the cigars and was cute.
Once stilyagis got together,
They weren`t able to decide
Which of them and even whether
They could dance rock days and nights.
One stilyaga volunteered
To dance it for ten days all right,
On the ninth day it was clear
He had to make his will and die.
His will read as we all remember:
`Bury me, drive in the stake,
In a year you`re welcome
To come and play rock on my grave`.
A year later, as required,
All the stylish dudes recalled,
Took their instruments, bashed out
The trendy dance of rock`n`roll.
Suddenly the grave stirred clear,
The aspen stake fell down prone,
Our stilyaga re-appeared
And began to dance rock`n`roll.
His bones, quite mouldered and rotten,
Were scrubbed by worms as by a char.
A toad was sitting on his shoulder.
It screamed its peppy `Cha-cha-cha!`
All the stylish dudes got startled.
Scattered! None drove in the stake.
Thus all folks got soon to know
What this rock`n`roll could make. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The epoch of stilyagas passed, but folk devils and moral panics are alive and kicking! New times, new songs and same old bad folk devils and moral panics! Wow! Well, well, well. Let`s see who was chosen as the city threats later.
BEWARE OF THE BEATLES!
BEETLES, BEATLES AND LITTLE ONES
A real life story! Russia in 1970. Mom came back from the parents` meeting in school and warned her children: `Be careful! The teacher said that there had appeared some beetles in the city. They`re very infectious!`
The Beatles as the Patsanchiks
-Mom, it`s but `Hello! Ours have just reached the Moon!` They aren`t bugs. They are rockers! They live in London. They appeared long ago in early 60s. So it`s just the false alarm! Mom: `Oh, I don't know. The teachers won`t talk nonsense! So be careful! The rockers are even worse than bugs! They smoke and drink and can`t behave with the girls! You shouldn`t follow their suit!` Next day all the highschoolers `brainwashed` by their parents wore wigs and suits in a style of the Beatles and composed and sang the song reflecting the parents`moral panics: `Whisky flows, //Skirts must go, The Beatles sing their songs!`
Oh, those innocent, classical `Beatles` and `beatlesniks`! Now the Russian have got their own frights. Here is one of them! Such naughty creatures, and their gang is led by the girl-beatle. Are you ready for that? Then meet the great and terrible Plaid group! Wow!
The Plaid group (Плед) (Red Curtains Session) - Song E&E (Composition #13) Music and Lyrics by Daria (Dasha) Davydova (nicknamed Траха Порева (Fuckla Fuckingham) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQc2zG6-Gnk
FUCKING ABOUT WITH ANYONE - E&E
Заведи дисок//Открой бутыль//В воздухе кружит//Немая пыль//Чувства открывать –//Это ни к чему.//Верить ведь нельзя//Никому!// А ты ебла и еби//Ебла и еби//И никому про свое сердце//Ничего не говори!//А я ебла и ебу//Ебла и ебу//И никому про свое сердце//Ничего не говорю.// Красные глаза//С утра открой//Налицо вчерашний//Перепой//Было весело//Пили все друзья//Но чувства открывать//Нельзя!
Make the player on
And open the bottle.
Airborne dust`s going
Round sans noise.
There`s no need
To open up your heart.
`Cuz you can`t believe
Anyone!
Refrain
Just the time to make love,
So do make your love.
But never open up your
Heart for anyone.
I fuck and I`m fucked,
I fuck and I`m fucked
Without open`ning up my
Heart for anyone.
Open up your eyes
Red as the dawn.
You had overdrunk
The night before.
All had too much fun,
There were all pals,
But feelings were of yours,
Understand! Refrain (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE PLAID group was formed in 1996 by sisters Ekaterina and Daria Davydova. Now it includes: Daria (Dasha) Davydova (aka Trakha Poreva (Fuckla Fuckingham), aka Singer Poreva (Singer Fuckingham), aka Jacqueline Cousteau, aka Outrunner, aka Tasha Andreyevna, etc.), vocal, bass guitar, front woman, born in 1978, likes Mr. Bungle, Red Hot Chili Peppers, cigars, chips and hootch, but she dislikes clowns and autumn, and she dreams `bout a personal seashore villa (her very big and longstanding dream), let alone a Music Man guitar (a small, but necessary gift!) http://www.guitarcenter.com/Music-Man.gc). Ideal of a woman for her is Gwyneth Paltrow, ideal of a man is Mike Patton. Her hobby is ... to think. Her angst is a dentist`s drill.
Mikhail Al`bitsky (aka Mishgan, aka Patrick, aka Brain, aka Nice), guitar, born in 1976. Favourite music: the Plaid, Del Shenon, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mr. Bungle. He loves drink beer, to sleep and have fun. He hates to get up! His dream is a new old Gibsonhttp://www2.gibson.com/Gibson.aspx. His angst is Sashgen (see below). Konstantin (Kostya) Matveyev (aka Kosyan, aka Bartender, aka Pixie), drums, born in 1974. He likes Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, beer, weeds, Christina Aguilera, John Travolta. His ideal of a woman is Her Majesty the Queen Elizabeth II.
He likes to think best of all. His angst is to collect bottles, blueprints and blueing. His best dream is to flush in money and roll in wealth. His daily routine dream is the DW drum kit http://www.dwdrums.com/.
Alexandre Volkov (aka Sashgan, aka Harpsichord), keyboard, born in 1982. He likes Queen, Aphex Twin, Absynth, British Lords, Mishgan, Christina Aguilera, playing Sega, reading books. His angst is people and monsters. He dislikes macaroni. He dreams of his own storehouse of composers, his best dream, however, is Lamborgini Diablo.
The music played by the group is an admirable mix of Pop, Rock, Grunge Rock, Punk. They were being influenced a great deal by the Pixies, Breeders, Sonic Youth, Nirvana and Chris Isaak. The group`s core is formed by three permanent participants Daria, Mikhail and Kostya. They have been together from the first day. They consider themselves to be an Indy group though they`re widely recognized and loved in all Russia. They do not play on tours except for some famous rock festivals in Russian capital cities.
They only perform in Moscow night clubs. They are considered to be the breakers of all stereotypes in Russian rock music. The experts regard Daria as a Russian equivalent of Kim Deal, her true follower. Daria composes catchy, frolicsome melodies and interesting lyrics, though her melodies can sometimes become the obvious parody of disco style and her texts happen to be more or less cocky and shocking. Earlier I was privileged and honoured to translate her iconic, playful and ambiguous `Hairy Buttocks`! (see in the previous posts).
BIG BEAUTY WEARING ONE DIRT SOCK AND THE FRENCH HORN – A COLLECTION OF THE RUSSIAN FUNNY STORIES, ANECDOTES, RIMES AND SAYINGS
Vladimir Ghenin - Владимир Генин ВАЛТОРНА - FRENCH HORN, OR MAKING SOMETHING OF `NOTHING`
Once upon a Soviet time a Philarmonic orchestra from Kiev went on tour and stayed in a regional centre. As was a custom the musicians knocked back, could not agree over one bone and put up a fight. You-know-what they used their instruments to hit the opponents. As a result one of the French Horns occurred to be battered and indented. Alas, there was no a specialized repair shop in the city. Therefore the French horn player had to have it repared in the ordinary workshop of the local plant.
-Can you flatten my instrument. I have to play tonight. See how they`ve bent it!
-Well, no problem! Everything`s be ready in three hours. Three hours later the musician returned and saw no French horn in the workshop. The workers calmed his down and said they had fetched it in the yard as it required much more place after its repair. He smelled a rat after hearing it. And he was right. His French Horn was not only flattened but also completely straightened and reached six metres lengthway.
FOLKS DEVILS VS. MORAL PANICS: Dear parents! Teachers of literature make our children analyze and understand poems of the adult alkoholics and drug-addicts who committed suicide.
How long will you have been following me, you fucking freaks?
SEASONAL OBSERVATIONS
Настала осень, дамы прячут cиcьки.//Под мощной юбкой попки не видать.//Мужские зябко сморщились пиписьки.//Зато теперь удобнее шагать.
It`s autumn! Ladies hide their tits.
You can`t make out their bottoms under skirts.
Men`s genitals are cold, decreased,
But then it`s easier to walk. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The girls- and boyfriends who are used to feel offended for no reason on a date are reported by scientists to have got the IQ of a seven-year old child. They simply try to attract your attention. https://youtu.be/zZWwzcEWZA4
Natalia Krestyaninova Наталья Крестьянинова Andrew Alexandre Owie MAKING SPEECHLESS
Джим и Кэтти поженились...//Я рассказать должна… что-то такое,//Прежде, чем будем с тобою близки…//Джим перебил ее крайне спокойно://Я догадался.... ты съела носки!
Jim and Cathy just married!
- I have to tell you, there`s something about …
Before our intimacy … as told my doc …
But Jim interrupted her with no worry,
- My guess is you`ve eaten your own … dirt socks!
THE DAY WHEN ONE SOCK IS A PAIR Rabbi, what to do if one has lost his sock? Are you bullying me again, junior? Since then the local Hasidim have been celebrating day the rabbi died by wearing just one sock on their feet.
JEWISH PROHIBITION Rabbi, I gonna go to Odessa. There are a lot of the indecent girls there. Can I look at them if they wear the low-necked dresses? Yes, you can! If they wear mini-skirts and bikinis? Yes, of course! If they`re topless? No problem! Are there things that a Jew must not look at? Yes, electric welding.
KISSING COUSINS Two drunk Jews are knocking at the door of the nunnery at dawn. The mother superior admonishes them to stop: Get out! There are only spouses of Christ! And who are you?` But the Jews have been dawned upon: `We are relatives of the beloved spouse!`
Lisa Osbourne-Monozzy (strictly to Learned Cat): `Who wrote those dit-tales above about playkids and `patsanchiks` indeed? Ain`t it your bunny, pussy? Trick or treat! Aha! Got scared? I am kidding! It wasn`t bunny, it was you,Tommy. Let everybody know Learned Cat wrote it! Cat: `As to me I`d like to remind all of 3 December, Great&Terrible Ozzy`s Birthday! Rule, Britannia!
The Morning in a Pine Forest ("Утро в сосновом лесу"), a painting by Russian artists Ivan Shishkin (landscape) and Konstantin Sawicki (bears) (1889). The Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow
ALL IN ONE BOTTLE OF POO: FICTIONAL FICTION, POOETIC POOETRY & FUNNY ANECTOADS AND FAKINGS FROM URSINE TERRIBLE RUSSIA
EPIGRAPH
Sweet Poo & Rose Petals
CLUBFOOTED BEAR
А clubfooted bear is going thru` the wood,
Picking up the strobiles, singing merry tunes.
Suddenly a strobile`s dropped to bear`s head,
The bear cub`s got angry, stamped his foot and yelled. `The Russian Nursery Rhymes`(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The impudent Russian Winnie-the-Pooh tells Russian Piglet: `I should think they would make the wrong sort of Winnie, shouldn't you?” The Russian know both original and Russian version of that iconic character of the world`s children`s literature. They like both, both are superb.
HELLO, MR. SHISHKIN*, OR THE MORNING IN A PINE FOREST
* Family name of Shishkin is an involuntary charactonym (self-speaking name) meaning `cone, strobile`. No wonder that the guy depicted pines in his pictures. If he hadn`t been a human being, he would have been a squirrel.
Hello, now it`s me, Olga Bars (lit. `snow panthera`), on the the web site `MoscowGirls dot TV. We continue our weekly cycle of programmes for those who are fond of fairy tales, as to those who dislike our fairy tales we recommend our weekly cycle of programmes `For those who love money!`. Many a man know that bear cubs on the famous Russian sweets are the photographic reproduction of not less famous Russian classical picture `The Morning in a Pine Forest ` created by landscape painter Shishkin (see the top of the current post. - AAO).
The matter, however, is that the very bear cubs were not painted by Shishkin, they were added by the other artist. But his name almost vanished in the long labyrinth of history. There, in the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow, guides are used to tell visitors the formal version accepted by the Russian art history. It reads that great Russian landscape painter Shishkin always failed to depict animals. By that reason he pursuaded his friend to add bears. However, later he allegedly not only refused to share author's emoluments with him, but also stole his authorship. Of course, the story seems to be very lifelike, but is too prosy to be true to life.
Our friend from the Federal Agency of Culture of the Russian Federation once whispered in our ears that the bear cubs had been added much later, after the artist`s death, and it was certainly bolsheviks we must blame for it! Then, in the 20s of the 20 c., young Soviet Republic did not decide completely on its attitude towards the Russian classical culture. But there was understanding of the fact that artists, musicians and actors were by some or other reason recallable by the working masses. Even the most politically educated people still needed them for some reason.
Therefore the Tretyakov Gallery administration decided to arrange landscape art exhibition. Fun of the fair was to become landscapes by Ivan Ivanovitch Shishkin, and his lanscape `The Morning in a Pine Forest ` was to become the focus of the exposition. Allegedly there were no bears in the picture that time. The main attraction of this picture which made folks admire it was a mysterious atmosphere of the awakening morning forest. There were no bears, no matter what! The Tretyakovka (Tretyakov Gallery) that time was headed by Shchusev, the great Russian architect. He not only designed V.I. Lenin Mausoleum but also the Kazansky railway station. As all great people Shchusev was not only an experienced and mature professional, but also a strong individual who had a well-established value system that he followed all his life. And his views and values he used to stick to were good and humane.
In the northern wilderness (1891). The Museum of Russian Art, Kiev, Small Russia.
Overnight, before the opening of the exhibition, Alexei Viktorovich Shchusev sat in his office and did paperwok moving his gold nib fountain pen across the chalk overlay paper. Suddenly his attention was attracted by the dreadful noise behind the door, and then the real procession reeled into his office. It was led by a museum attendant who was completely behind herself and screamed that the vandals had had spoiled the best picture! She was succeeded by a detail of the Red Army men who pulled a resisting teenager along. The last who rushed in the office was a dishevelled young beauty who failed to miss her charm even in a fit of anger. As the story by the museum attendant proceeded it had been a real drama. The Tretyakov Gallery used to be the permanent place for teaching students of the Moscow art schools. That very day one of such groups was a bit late while making replicas of Aivazovsky`s picture.
Ivan Konstantinovich Aivazovsky (Ovannes Gaivazyan Հովհաննես Կոնստանդինեսի Այվազյան ) (1817-1900) Russian Armenian Seascape Painter
While all the students worked hard the most gifted one had his discretionary time. He coped with his task briskly. Unfortunately, a girl whom he fell in love with was sitting beside. He helped her to finish her work too. After that despite the violation of all rules he invited her to join him and promenade across the premises of the Tretyakov Gallery. She agreed with pleasure and round the first corner the lovers blew off their tops. They were moving though the halls like the wind-up toys never paying attention to the warnings `No entry!`, `Not for the unauthorized personnel`, etc. and, at last, they came into the hallway where the small number of the landscape exhibition's pictures was collected before being hung on the walls.
Ivan Shishkin. Rain in an oak wood (1891) The Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow, Russia.
There, in the dusk of the ill-lit corridor Shishkin`s picture also stood up to the wall. ` The Morning in a Pine Forest ` was still frameless. The workers rested it against the wall and went to fetch its gilt frame. The student boy came to conclusion that the masterpieces could not stand frameless in the hallways and therefore it was just a replica! Love fogged up his mind entirely and he began to explain his girlfriend that Shishkin`s landscapes suffered from the permanent compositional incompletion. The girl was listening to him attentively but laughed up her sleeve. Having felt this the student who was agitated by hormones and best feelings grasped an unattended easel and in just ten minutes painted bear cubs above the pine forest. It was the museum attendant who saw him doing it.
Shchusev Alexei Viktorovich ((1873–1949)
While hearing that story Shchusev felt quite confused. On the one hand, being an architect, he was very scrupulous concerning the composition and agreed with the student who stated that Shishkin`s pictures were always defective from the view-point of their composition. He would have added something to `emptiness` of the Shishkin`s landscapes himself. On the other hand, the exhibition was to be held in the morning. And that very picture was intended to be a focus of attention. The reckless behaviour of the student threatened not only the future of the art exhibition but also of the Tretyakov Gallery itself including its staff and the very director. The deliberate damage of the public property that time provided for the full-length portrayal in the background of the Kolyma river. The reporters would have been very glad to inform public about the exposure of the sabotage gang who pretended to have been artists. Besides, if every single pimply student had started adding something to the classical pictures the very order under ether would have come to an end.
Book Cover reads A.I. Solzhenitsyn `The Gulag Archipelago`
This was in fact proved by the October Socialist revolution as well. Shchusev wondered how much it would take to clean the bears. The museum attendant wailed that about a week or longer. Shchusev pondered over the situation. His first impulse was to forward the student to militia or even the K.G.B. But his inner value system interfered with that initiative. The junior had every prospect of being a several years' guest of the GULAG. It would have been inhumane. Having thought over the situation a couple of minutes more Shchusev accepted a strategic solution. The museum attendant and all the witnesses were ordered to have the prolonged convalescent leave right from tonight, before the opening of the exhibition. The girlfriend was sent home too. Firstly she screamed something unintelligible, something like she was ready to share Antosha`s fate all the way! (Antosha is an affectionate diminutive form of `Anton`, `Antony`. - AAO) But Shchusev quickly brought her to reason by telling that there are neither shower nor bedsheets in the preventive-detention cell.
As to Antosha, he and Shchusev returned to the picture to paint the bear cubs properly. When they finished Shchusev showed him the door of the Tretyakov Gallery and ordered to never ever come back. He also recommended him to remain silent forever. Being highly imaginative Shshusev managed to paint the picture of the secret police premises in the Loubianka str. and ice and frost of the settlement on the banks of Kolyma in the Far East. Being clever and having got no less rich imagination Antosha imagined all that jazz had come true and it made his hair stand on end. So he never told anybody about that. On graduating from the art school he returned home, to Samara City, and became a designer of the Soviet iconography.
Sweet `Clubfooted Bear`
In the morning Shchusev was proud indeed to show the enthusiastic high-ranking officials around the landscape art exhibition. The museum attentand who couldn`t help attending despite her day-off was white as milk and shook in her boots. It was only Soviet Culture Minister Anatoly Lunacharsky who was astonished a great deal at looking at Shishkin`s famous picture. To prevent his exclamation, questions and following interrogation Shchusev cut in the discussion and inspiredly invented a story about Shishkin and his friend whom he impudently deceived. (You`ve already heared it in the beginning of this narrative). Shchusev did not lose an opportunity to hold up to shame the savage customs of capitalism that are only responsible for the fact that such a gifted artist and kind person like Shishkin could be influenced by unrestrained thirst for money. While listening to that staff Lunacharsky was nodding approvingly and was completely satified. He only attracted attention of all the present to that picture of such a high class importance.
Sweet `Clubfooted Bear`s Wrapper
By the way, directorate of the confectionary `Red October` hastened to response to the words of the Culture Minister and had the new version of the picture reproduced on the sweet wrappers. In general, all were very pleased. Shchusev was right when he suggested that though everybody could hear about the `The Morning in a Pine Forest` there wouldn`t be much evidence that the picture couldn`t be transformed by Shishkin and his friend inter vivos. Due to the Revolution and Civil War few could see the picture if only they were not Lunacharsky or experts and so they was not aware of what had been painted in the original picture exactly. As to the experts they were all on the staff of the Tretyakov Gallery, enjoyed high salaries and were not ready to lose them. Besides people were absorbed in their revolution and creating the new reality. So none called in question the Tretyakovka director`s version. Thus bear cubs stayed with us both in the picture and on the sweets. Good night, it was Olga Bars on the the web site `MoscowGirls dot TV. See you later in the Tretyakovka! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
COMMENTARY
Of course, what was told above was not truth. It was just a funny anecdote based on rumours and city legends. Ivan Shishkin`s co-author was Konstantin Sawicki, as to their authorship it was the owner of the gallery Tretyakov who bought the picture and appointed Shishkin to be its only author despite his hot protests.
Ivan Ivanovich Shishkin (1832-1898)
Pavel Tretyakov reasoned his decision by his statement that `from idea to performance, everything discloses the painting manner and creative method peculiar just to Shishkin.`
Konstantin Appolonovich Sawicki (1844-1905)
The State Tretyakov Gallery is the foremost depository of Russian fine art in the world. It was founded by the Moscow merchant Pavel Mikhailovich Tretyakov in 1856. In 1892, Tretyakov presented his already famous collection of approximately 2,000 works (1,362 paintings, 526 drawings, and 9 sculptures) to the Russian nation.
Pavel Tretyakov, the art collector, sponsor and patron of the Russian artists in the second part of the 19 c. Portrait by Ilya Yefimovitch Repin (1883)
The picture was being reproduced on various items, including the `Clubfooted Bear`(Мишка Косолапый) chocolates by confectionary factory `Red October` (Красный Октябрь), the former Moscow German company founded by Theodor Ferdinand von Einem and later owned by Julius Heuss.
Theodor Ferdinand von Einem and Julius Heuss
Alexei Shchusev born in Moldova, Kishinev, was an outstanding Russian architest and designer. Before the Russian revolution he designed the Russian Orthodox Church`s temples and cathedrals, after the October Revolt he designed V.I. Lenin Mausoleum (1930), he did it quite learnedly, showing the remarkable knowledge of the Free Masonic esoterism and symbolism. He also designed the Kazansky Railway station (1914) in Moscow, Holel `Moscow` (1938) , Komsomol`skaya-Kol`tsevaya Undeground Railway Station.
Ivan Aivazovsky`s best painting has been familiar with every Russian since their young years. It is The Ninth Wave (Девятый вал) painted in 1850.
The third iconic Russian picture well known by everyone in Russia is `The Bogatyrs` (`The Knights`) by Viktor Vasnetsov. Viktor Mikhailovich Vasnetsov (1848-1926), artist of the historic and the Russian flokloric and historical themes
According to one poll the painting is the second most popular in Russia behind Shishkin`s three Bears in a pine wood.
Victor Vasnetsov `Knights` (known as `Three knights`in the broad masses)(1898). The Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow.
The fourth iconic picture is `In the northern wilderness` by Ivan Shishkin (see in the above text) which he created from the poem The Pine Tree (1841) by Mikhail Lermontov. Despite his true Russianness Ivan Shishkin was an ardent Germanophile nicknamed Erlkoenig.
In the wild north a pine tree stands alone// On the bare top of a mountain.// It slumbers and sways, covered with// Powdery snow like a mantle.// And it dreams constantly: that in faraway wilds// In the land where the sun rises,// A cheerless and lovely palm stands alone,// Growing on a gloomy cliff. Trans. by Dmitri Smirnov
In its turn it is just a free translation of Ein Fichtenbaum steht einsam by Heinrich Heine: Ein Fichtenbaum steht einsam// Im Norden auf kahler Höh’.//Ihn schläfert; mit weißer Decke// Umhüllen ihn Eis und Schnee.// Er träumt von einer Palme,//Die, fern im Morgenland,// Einsam und schweigend trauert// Auf brennender Felsenwand. (See English translations of the poem here: http://www.autodidactproject.org/other/heinepoem.html).
All four pictures have been familiar with the Russian as they used to be hung in the dining rooms of every single Russian kindergarten. So explanation was quite simple, and every single foreign spy working in Russia should know it lest he should flop dismally! Ha-ha!
RED PLAYBOY: SELFISHNESS AS AN AESTHETIC PLEASURE OF LIFE
Anatoliy Vasiliyevich Lunacharsky was a Russian Bolshevik revolutionary, Soviet public figure, Culture Minister, writer, poet, playwright, playboy, translator, journalist, philosopher, art historian and critic. Besides, he was a Freemason of the French rite (member of the Great Orient of France). He took great interest and was big on esoterica, esoterism, prophesies. Once he brought Lenin`s best friends Zinovyev and Kamenev to the famous French fortune-teller and she told that pair that they would be executed in Russia in two decades. Later it really happened so. As to Lunacharsky he was appointed the Soviet ambassador to Spain but died a natural death on his way there in Switzerland.
That radiant Communist Freemasonic necromancer had been pathologically lucky all his life. Being a Communist leader he was a well-to-do man, gentleman who led a bourgeois life.
Georgiy Vasiliyevich Chicherin (1872-1936). Russian Aristocrat. Bolshevik. The first Soviet Foreign Minister. Expert on Mozart (cover of his book on Mozart). Freemason. Occultist. Long before the Ahnenerbe initiated expedition to Tibet with the same aims.
In this respect he reminded me of another Communist leader, the former German, then British Frederic Engels, Karl Marx`s bosom friend, or the first Soviet Foreign Minister Georgy Valentinovich Chicherin who also was a Freemason and an outstanding expert on Mozart. The Chinese revolutionaries also had their own Lunacharskies.
Guo Moruo郭沫若 (born Guo Kaizhen郭开贞) (1892-1978) Red Chinese writer, playwright, poet, historian and what not. Chinese Academy of Sciences Chairman.
For example, Guo Moruo. Like Lunacharsky that brilliant man of letters wrote and said a lot of Red rubbish but at the same time created some real and artistic masterpices like `Qing Shihuang Death`. Lunacharsky is a speaking family name, it literally means `charmed by the Moon`. But it wasn`t a penname. It was an anagram of Polish noble family name Czarnoluski. Lunacharski was a son of bastard, his father was a son of the nobleman and a bondwoman, so his family had to have an encoded family name and it must have humiliated Lunacharsky, touched his pride and appealed to struggle for the social justice and equality.
Anatoliy Vasiliyevich Lunacharsky (1875-1933)
Anatoly Lunacharsky THE FIGURINE
-You`ve got really a rare thing! I was saying it while looking all over the delicate china figurine.
What a lovely thing! What for tender good-looking face! What for smiling lips and how gracefully she presses her little finger to her lips as if asking me not to reveal our mutual secret to the little yellow-skinned oldman standing beside me.
The room is small, dark, littery. He is a carpenter and upholsterer and his business is to repair and resell the old furniture.
-Where do you have it from, Sir?
-Who knows! The yellow-skinned oldman answers twisting his mouth.
-Excellent thing! Artistic thing! Let me have it.
-It`s impossible!
-Why not? I am going to offer you good money.
-I say, Sir! You must be thinking we cannot love good things. I see, you`re an expert, but you are supposed to be amazed because there was a reason behind it. Your eyes even sparkled. I had no intention to sell it earlier, but now that I witnessed your attitude I won`t ever sell it for certain.
-You odd fellow! Why do you need it?
-Why do YOU need it, Sir?
-I collect nice things!
-How many have you collected?
-A fair amount!
-Well, as to me I`ve just got one! So why should I sell it?
-It looks pretty lousy in your kennel!
-But it does NOT as you have noticed it!
-Eventually, I gonna give you fifty roubles!
-I won`t have my eye on that sum either! Tis mine!
-You ARE an odd fellow! I`m a pro, expert, connoisseur of art, a fine art is my life, all I have to do and what I love to do is to admire works of art! Your figurine will stand in my gallery in a light hall on the marble pedestal in public view, and artists and fair ladies will enjoy it.
-All the more mine!
-One hundred roubles, it`s a deal! Make up your mind now!
-You disregard me, Sir! I`ve said my word! Not for sale! I do what I say!
-Folly! Such things are beyond your purse! You would have hardly purchased it for one hundred roubles! As to me I offer you one hundred. That thing is an unreasonable luxury for you! Absolutely!
-Well, Sir! You too ain`t as much rich as you`d like to seem and so you won`t take that trinket away out of this room! Not for sale! Promise me moon, try it! I`ve got this bagatelle by chance, it`s so delicate, unique, single … Well … Now go and envy me, you experts! On my deathbed I`ll smash it to fragments!
-You old fool! I shouted it and off I was having abandoned that dark and stinky hall-in-the-wall.
Artist Vladimir Yevgenyevich Kazak (born 1973) aka Waldemar Kazak aka Waldemar von Kozak
One cannot, cannot keep that marvellous work of art in here, in dirt and dark where it risks a damage or loss every single minute! It seemed to me that I`d never seen such an endless nice, inexpressibly fine good-looking smiling porcelain playful girl before! What is it if not a charming dream of a throb-hearted artist, what if it`s a personified love of an artistic soul? Can`t you see that every feature of it contains admiration, tenderness, sympathy and its charming grace was generated by ecstasy?!
Damn it! The stubborn oldman is a real madman. Just because of the only reverence for an unknown master it`s necessary to rescue that porcelain dream from the kingdom of dust, rags, smoke, vodka and glue!
I returned.
Waldemar Kazak, Russia - On the side of the supergirls` draggin'-wagon - Let`s go! Stalin`s Arrows!
-Sir! I said after I`d come in. You quote the price! I`ll agree to any price! You sort of ask five hundred roubles? It`s a price! Frankly speaking, it would be hard to pay it, but I`ll pay you five hundred …right now and on-site!
-Get out! - the yellow-skinned little oldman screamed all of a sudden. `Tis mine!` He waved his bare, skinny, sinewy hand with a hammer in it so vigourously that I started back.
Yet the phantom of the figurine keept haunting me. I fell in love with that doll that charmed me by sorcery, I dreamt about her curls, hery merry little eyes, scarlet mouth, her cunning, innocent and bright baby face.
- Well, - I thought. - If you do not want to sell it, I`ll steal it! I should visit him again under some pretext and do it.
Waldemar Kazak, Russia
I came back to the oldman. He was pottering about in the sunlight on the threshold of his treasure cave fixing the overturned sofa. Three sticking up legs of it looked quite grotesquely in the air. As the belly of the sofa was cut here and there and exposed straw entrails and iron framework the sofa resembled a senseless creature. Beside it a big grey cat sat in the sun, it loooked very important and well-groomed and narrowed its eyes quite happily. While the aged man was humming one tune, his cat was purring quite another one.
-Hello! I said.
-Hello, Sir! Again for the doll? Quite late! All doll has gone!
-All gone? - I repeated mechanically.
-It`s my Basil Basilovich, it tried his best! The carpenter said and pointed out to his pet with pincers in his hand. My cat brushed against it, it toppled over … and was smashed into smithereens! Yes, Sir! Just powder and dust, Sir!
I was all shook with indignation. The oldman bent over the broken belly of the sofa. The cat yawned complacently and curled up basking in the sun.
-You villain! – I gasped at last. Bastard, what have you done, eh!
The oldman looked at me dumbfoundedly.
-You wasted such a being, my loved one! Hanging it's too good for you! And that cat of yours!
- Do not grieve over it so much, Sir!
-But I loved her, I loved her, you old stinker!
Not a minute and I could whack his dome with one of his operating tools, yet I resisted the temptation with great difficulty.
-Where are its fragments?
-In the cess box, in any case it shattered, you couldn`t have put it back together!
His face was serious.
-Sir, you are not worth of it!
-Very likely, Sir, very likely. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
True love to Death: Ms. Departure and Old Fart
KOMT EEN VROUW BIJ DE DOKTOR - ONCE A LADY CAME TO THE DOCTOR (A HANDFUL OF THE FUNNY ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS)
HAND DEXTERITY, NO CHEATING
Natasha Rostova to Rzewski.
- Lieutenant! Just keep you hands off!
-I can simply make love without them! Would you like me to perform this kind of magic?
-(Natasha intrigued) How? …
-Hush! Keep silence. Just turn your back!
-What d`you feel now?
-It`s unfair. I feel your finger in my arse!
-You have another guess coming! My hands, just see! There they are!
René Magritte, Belgium. iFace (1964). Canvas and oil.
FRUITLESS EFFORT
-What are you searching on my back, lieutenant?
-I`m searching for your tits, ma'am!
-But they are in front of me!
-I`ve failed to find them out there!
NOT DEADLY INSULT YET
- Lieutenant! You are a coward and rascal! My challenge to a duel!
-What the big idea! I won`t come!
-How come?
-`Cuz I am a coward and rascal!
Peder Severin Krøyer, Denmark. `The way the family members used to ignore one another before an invention of smartphones` (1888). Canvas and oil.
GENESIC SENSE There stood all three in the doorway. She and he and that of his.
POOF! BY CONTRADICTION!
A man came to circus and offered a new trick. He proposed it to be his own number.
Barnum asked:
-What for number! Describe it!
-Just imagine. A container full of shit hangs under the dome. Boom! A cannon fires it down! All are all over shit! Arena, clowns, circus!
-So what?
-That is what! There's my cue. Geronimo! I appear all white, neat and tidy and gleamingly clean!
Epigram by Andrew Alexandre Owie ISIS IS ANGRY
I`m ISIS , Gipsy* Goddess, may I have attention!
I`ve never anything to do with temp abbreviations!
I`ve got the Throne that`s on my head
But keep no throng with Muslim men.
*Gipsy originates from Egypt
ODESSA MAMA
Odessa. Jewish mom is appearing and shouting from the balcony!
-Arkasha! (pet name for Arkadiy.- AAO) Home, quickly!
The boy in the street:
-Am I frozen?
-No! This time you`re just hungry!
Paul Delaroche, France. Oliver Cromwell understands that this is not a guitar which he has bought on Amazon (1849). Canvas and oil.
Epigram by Andrew Alexandre Owie THE CHEMICAL IMPURITY AND THE SKYLARK
Life`s pride, first slime, is dreaming in the balls,
Men`s last dust has its place at churchyards!
Fair Moon is in the skies, cars are in garages, bells toll,
Boabs* wave, boobs hang, the lark ascends alone! Viagra!
*a boab is Scottish for `a penis, male member`
Boris Koustodiev, Russia. `All sent to the laundry` (1915). Canvas and oil.
LAUGHTER INCONTINENCE You can suppress everything! Tears! Fury! Pain! Love! But you can hardly suppress your fucking terrible laughter!
VERTICAL BEAVER SHOT
Slow sensual dance. She (feeling not constrained, passionately):
-Sorry for my décolleté! It seems too low, a little bit deep!
He has carefully popped into the slit and mumbled:
-Frankly speaking, not quite low-necked! But is your bust that very hairy as I can see it?
-Hairy? My bust? What are you saying? Of course, not!
-Then I can`t but agree. Your dress looks more low-necked than any other one.
Édouard Manet, France. Mary Poppins after lobotomy (1879). Canvas and oil.
Epigram by Andrew Alexandre Owie A DAY AT THE RACES IN SAMPHORO, JAPPHAN
Sappho, I`ve been loving your verses since childhood
They were unsapphisticated and contained no sapphisms
They didn`t threat to sapphocate me!
They were not recommended for schools!
Lesbos I loved, other Greek islands ...
Scuptures and ruins ... humanism, oracles! Ain`t it enough?
This is my declaration of love wrapped into spam of my poo-etry.
My wind-water sough! saph sap-ph! Whoa-a-a!
EINSTEIN & SHERLOCK`S VIOLIN
-I see you can`t sleep, Watson!
-I`d been sleeping until I was awaken by this …
-But you would say you love music!
-Music?! Frankly speaking … I thought someone had felt unwell! Or, perhaps, it was a pussy cat stuck in the chimney!
Do clench your fist several times, please!
Epigram EMS FOR THE GARBAGENET
Once in the evening an old fox
Managed to download the whole Internet!
First thing next day tomorow all the folks
Queued up at his with their garbage pails. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Music Henryk Kuźniak DOUBLE DOWN(from Juliusz Machulski`s movie `Vabank 2`)
Vabank to właśnie to: vabank, vabank.//Co owej nocy się zdarzyło//Vabank zagrałem Ona też vabank //I było nam szalenie miło.//Va bank wspomnienie wciąż upaja mnie//Tęsknoty mojej jest przyczyną, //Bo jedno w życiu co opłaca się//To grać vabank z piękną dziewczyną//
Va banque is but to stake one`s all, one`s all.
It happened that night in casino
That she staked everything once and for all.
Our folly was for us so dear.
Nowise I can forget va banque so far.
The reason of my impulse is a pois`nous feeling
That if it`s anything worthwhile in life
It`s just to stake your all with girls of spirit.
Refrain
Fa, fa, fa...//Fi, fi, fi, fi, fi.//Szu, szu, szu... //Szy, szy, szy, szy, szy.//
Ka, ka, ka...//Ki, ki, ki, ki, ki.//Du, du, du...//Dy, dy, dy, dy, dy...
Henryk Kuźniak (1936), one of the great Polish composers and authors of the original soundtracks and Juliusz Machulski, one of the best Polish and world`s film directors.
Zagrajmy jeszcze raz vabank, vabank,//Z fortuną tak to zwykle bywa.//Kto nie naraża nigdy się na szwank,//Ten głównej stawki nie wygrywa.//Vabank zagrajmy po raz drugi,//Bo... historia lubi się powtarzać.//Fortuna lubi, gdy podwajać ją,//A my lubimy się narażać.
Let`s stake our all again, our all,
As often is the case of luck in a casino
He who puts no money in at all,
He never ever makes a killing.
Let`s stake our all again as much as twice
… the history repeats itself as always
Miss Fortune loves to double down
While we give hostages to fortune. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
DACHA NOSTALGIA: FIRST LOVE, BYKE, LILY AND LILIES
Alexandre Aivazov - Lilies - The 2013 Jubilee Concert of the Radio Retro FM in the Olympic complex. Masters of Ceremonies: `This country has known him in his 16. But having known him the country loved him at once,`cuz he was the author of very cheerful, romanic songs, and he was simply charming ... He was and he is! SASHA AIVAZOV!!!` http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=xYWOnHlUcCk
Music by Alexandre Klevitsky
Lyrics by Larissa Rubalski O LILY!
Дождем унылым небо плачет//Замерзли лилии в пруду//В безлюдный наш поселок дачный//Я поздней осенью приду//Туда где годы детства плыли//Где я любил соседку Лилию.
Raindrops are teardrops of heaven.
Pond`s lilies have been killed by frost.
No mother`s son`s in the suburban settlement.
Late autumn. I have come alone.
Head water of my childhood`s river
I was in love there with next door girl Lily.
Refrain
А я в пруду для Лилии Лилии Лилии//Сорвал три белых лилиии три лилии сорвал//А я в окошко Лилии Лилии//Бросал под вечер лилии//Три лилии бросал.
That time for my sweet Lily, o Lily, o Lily,
I plucked three snow white lilies, three lilies I picked up
I dropped into her window, window
Three lillies I had plucked.
Я знаю время лечит раны//Приходит новая любовь//Но вспоминаю как ни странно//Я ту девчонку вновь и вновь//Как будто вырастают крылья//Когда я слышу имя Лилия.
I know time heals wounds to feelings
New love ain`t used to cool our heels,
But I remember my sweet neighbour
In spite of everything, indeed.
I feel behind my spine grow pinions
As soon as I hear name of Lilian.Refrain (twice)(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Larissa Alexeyevna Rubalskaya (born 1945), the outstanding Russian lyricist, poetess and intepreter (Japanese), Moscow
Yes, nostalgia! But a pair of decades earlier the rosy picture might have been quite different! First love and … first disappontment! So many firsts! And damn importance of motor transport that makes love stronger!
Кружили синие стрекозы,//У нас совпали вкус и цвет,//И было все вполне серьезно//Как может быть в 16 лет.//Мы пожениться все решили//И торопила время Лилия.
Blue dragonflies kept making circles.
Our humours jumped together, gee!
It was so serious and earnest
As only is when you`re sixteen.
We made our minds to soon get married
It`s Lily who rushed things, I swear!
Refrain is the same, see above!
Как у Ромео и Джульетты//Не обошлась любовь без бед.//Соседу Ваське в это лето//Отец купил велосипед.//Поднял Василий клубы пыли//И от меня умчалась Лилия.
As that of Romeo and Juliet Our love as well was in a plight.
Dad of our lowly neighbour Basil
One day bought him a cruiser bike.
He raised the dusty clouds, really!
And off she went, my sweetheart Lily!(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Alexandre Klevitsky (born 1954), chief conductor of the Yu. V. Silantyev Academical Large Concert Orchestra, Moscow
Babushka (Kate Bush): She wanted to test her husband.// She knew exactly what to do:// A pseudonym to fool him.// She couldn't have made a worse move.// She sent him scented letters, // And he received them with a strange delight. // Just like his wife// But how she was before the tears, // And how she was before the years flew by, // And how she was when she was beautiful.// She signed the letter.// Refrain: "All yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya! // All yours,// Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!"
Evgeniy Babushkin. St. Petersburg, Spring, 2014. The sheet in his hands reads: `I don`t want to live in vain`.
Evgeniy Babushkin THE DITTY OF DITTIES* (The manuscript found in the arsehole)** PORTIONS OF THE NOVEL CHAPTER ONE PREFACE
-Here it is. My manuscript. Having said it I lifted my eyes to my Chief, Lieutenant Commander Makhrov.
-What`s next, Sir?
-Put it into your arsehole! PORTION 6 Satzover (perhaps from `Der Satz ist zu Ende` = The sentence is over! – AAO) got a new roommate. His name was Andy Fistula. They made up their minds to write the novel racing with one another. However the neighbour once covered with puke their table, chair and keyboard. He crashed down the keys, hurt his lip and bent letter `T`.
After that Satzover concluded: `I must have won! The keyboard covered with puke hardly fits for writing. The roommate washed the keyboard clean under the tap, but he failed to type somethin` intelligible. That`s what only came: `T e or ot o be! Tha is th qustion … .***.
Pontius Pilates
PORTION 7 Once Satzover switched on the vacuum cleaner and burst into tears. After that they began to address him as rabbi Satzover.
Dreams&Hopes (on the Refuse Bins)
PORTION 8 Thus spake Rabbi Satzover: I wrote the novel. The best in the world. Some people were invented only to stand at attention and join the characters of my novel. Just fancy, there goes a Member Memberovitch and while walking up the stairs he is clinking his spurs in his mind`s eye. He is planning what to do with his wife and daughter after work. He`s puting his palm onto the door and pushing it. But he`s finding nothing behind the door-well. Nothing, `cuz it`s to be continued yet in my novel. Well, my characters live and enjoy their neighborly relationship. They grope the flesh of their near ones. They lick half-asleep their bitter lips. Some even love their children and bring them to the art gallery to admire Malewicz`s Black Square ****. They look at it and see it`s a Square One. And nothing past it! Malewitcz left it `to be continued`! Just mortal life! So to say, describe you yourself from top to toe! How now, Andy?
-Shit! Little drugs and few adventures! PORTION 13 More out of mouth of Andy Fistula*:
-I say, just twonny per cent of women like fellatio. Have you grasped it that only one fifth of dudines are fond of sucking? The rest perform fellatio unwillingly! I don`t want to have my cock sucked unwillingly! I have respect for women!
Satzover said:
-Respect ain`t enough! You must start struggling for their rights!
-By the way, we need a chick! Just to have her beside. Besides, a man who hasn`t got a woman by his side is to turn out to be a crap sack***.
Our special tonight - soup `Vodka`
PORTION 17 Once they drank extra vodka and their money played out. Again Andy started covering things with his puke, but that time he did it tenderly, from balcony and the thing he was covering was a neighbour`s car `Lada` that had got a broken bonnet.
Taïsia set the third long piece of macaroni alight and though she noticed it she made like she was smoking.
-This is last but one piece, - Satzover warned her. - There remained only millet and meat dumplings but they`re all fireproof. That`s all then!
-Never say `all`! Then gonna be something else, - said Taïisia. For instance, I had some trouble, I was being felt by four dudes near a fence. But now I am here!
-I have some trouble too. I dream of the dolce far niente (sweet idleness, literally `sweet doing nothing` in Italian. – AAO), I want only to eat green staff, sleep in the sun, - said Andy Fistula. – Have I got such a right? Have I got it? My cultural behaviour and culture of my everyday life are but my pretence, hypocrisy. I only graduated from a vocational school. I am used to cover with my puke the neighbors` cars! If I were a cultured person, I would have covered with puke the complete works by William Shakespeare! ***. Or even my own collection of short stories!
- I'm for Bedfordshire. Follow me! - Satzover yawned. - I wish my hangover would come sooner to feel that I am still alive!
PORTION 18 Once Satzover was left alone. He got into wardrobe and took out his bag. After that he became just Satzover again. There were different things in his bag. Artificial pussy. A loony pocket book in the Estonian language. There was also a silly yellow plastic revolver to fire the microballon spheres at the bottom.
Satzover thought a little. Or to be exact, he just waited a little. Then he put the barrel into his mouth and triggered.
-God forgives the frightful activity and toy things, - uttered Satzover and spat out the microballon sphere. - But he does vice versa sometimes.
Vodka `Avatar` - Learn to operate your blue body!
CHAPTER TWO PORTION 1
Besides, Taïsia showed her reddish-brown trunk.
-Know what`s in it?
-I do! – said Andy. Weapons and cocaine! And extra bra. Blue and red polka dots!
-We`ve been living side by side so damn much time but you`ve got not a slightest idea what kind of bras the true ladies wear! There`s a fancy dress of a boomer, the red squirrel in it!
-Everyone of you needs an appropriate dress as well, comrades! To get it we gonna visit the district centre and call on an uncle.
-Your uncle?
-Nope. A common uncle. A V.I.P.
PORTION 2
Once a commuter train was chock-full with the worn out women. Andy tried to pick up his fellow travellers.
-My dear, your boobs and eyes are equally round! Where do they produce such beauties?
-In your hat! Fuck off! - The working girl responsed in a sepulchral voice.
Andy felt sad. He addressed Satzover:
-Tell me something.
-Well. One girl, rather charming and having got a long blonde plait hit trouble. The whole city was set on fire. All her family burnt alive. She was walking along the road now crying now laughing. A kind man approached her. He wore a stylish suit and shirt. He felt pity of the girl and presented her a plank. He said,
-Here are your new mom and dad. Here are your new house and guard dog called Colonel in the kennel.
The girl hugged the plank, put on it a knitted hat, laughed, took a machine gun and killed all the enemies. After that she dived into a lake and sank as a merchant ship! The survived enemies decided to consider that accident carefully. They came to conclusion that the plank must have contained some toxic agent that had presumably driven the girl mad. Next time she must be presented with quite another, eco friendly, green toy*****(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
COMMENTARY
Eugene Babushkin (born in 1983), St. Petersburg. On graduation from a prestigious theatre school he became a news camera person. He`s a writer, reporter and musician. His net name is Gantenbein. His views are those of the British labourists.
Young and mature Max Rudolf Frisch (1911-1991), an outstanding Swiss writer, author of `Mein Name sei Gantenbein` which roughly means `Let's assume my name is Gantenbein`. It has also been published in English as `A Wilderness of Mirrors`.
*The ditty of ditties = The Song of Songs; More out of mouth of Andy Fistula. The text contains allusions to and parodies of the Old Testament.
Count Jan Nepomucen Potocki (1761-1815), Polish Army Captain of Engineers, ethnologist, Egyptologist, linguist, traveller, adventurer and popular author of the Enlightenment period and his book
**The manuscript found in the arsehole. Allusion to the Manuscrit trouvé à Saragosse (Rękopis znaleziony w Saragossie), The Manuscript Found in Saragossa, the unfinished novel in French written by Polish nobleman Jan Potocki (Published within 1797-1815 in Paris).
Wojciech Jerzy Has (1925 - 2000), great Polish film director
In 1965 Polish film director Wojciech Has shot the congenial same name feature film. Both novel and motion picture are the evergreen masterpieces.
`Set primarily in Spain, it tells a frame story containing gothic, picaresque and erotic elements. In a deserted house during the Napoleonic Wars, two officers from opposing sides find a manuscript, which tells the tale of the Spanish officer's grandfather, Alphonso van Worden (great Polish actor Zbigniew Cybulski).
Van Worden travelled in the region many years before, being plagued by evil spirits, and meeting such figures as a Qabalist, a sultan and a gypsy, who tell him further stories, many of which intertwine and interrelate with one another`(from the Wiki).
My opinion is that that movie is worth seeing! A bit of Castaneda! And a flavour of Old Spain! One of the most mysterious novels and movies of all times and nations! Got a kick out of it! Artistic witchcraft! Time-proof! I like to watch it again from time to time!
***`T e or ot o be!` = Hamlet`s Soliloquie: `To be, or not to be, that is the question;// Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer// The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune`.
Later goes an unobvious allusion to: `O, that this too too solid flesh would melt//Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!` in `is to turn out to be a crap sack`. This very `too too solid flesh` was translated by Boris Pasternak as `flesh sack` in Russian. Further is ` … the complete works by William Shakespeare!`
****Malewicz`s Black Square Kazimir Malevich (Kazimierz Malewicz) (1879-1935). World-famous Russian Polish avant-garde artist. Author of the iconic painting The Black Square
Jan Švankmajer, Karel Jaromír Erben and his book
*****Allusions to folklore and fairy tales, many lierary and cinema works, from Pinocchio to Little Otik (Otesánek – Plank, Chock, Billet, Log) from the same name feature film (2000) by Czech film director Jan Švankmajer (born 1934) based on the fairy tale by Czech author Karel Jaromír Erben (1811-1870) which in its turn developed the traditional and folkloric themes.
Myra Shumway* Мира Шамвей THE STAR GIFT Хочешь подарю звезду?//Выбирай любую!//Хочешь эту?//Или ту//Нежно-голубую?
Для меня преграды нет//Я теперь летаю,//Самую красивую//Я за хвост поймаю!
Бережно тебе её//Принесу в ладошках.//Пусть горит теперь всегда//За твоим окошком. * Myra Shumway is a character of the novel `Miss Shumway Waves a Wand` (1944) by British writer James Hadley Chase
Myra Shumway (Evgeniya Dudarskaya)
Do you want to have a star?
Any can be chosen!
Wanna have this one?
Or that?
Fair as a bluebird.
I can fly where I can`t go.
I am unrestricted.
To catch the nicest star by tail
Ain`t for me not cricket.
I`ll deliver it to you
Cupped in palms with tender.
May it shine from now on
From sky to you forever. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
James Hadley Chase (born René Lodge Brabazon Raymond) (1906-1985), British author of more than 90 detective novels.
Louis de Funès in L'Homme orchestre. That famous `Sticky stinky pooh!` Or sorry: `Winnie-winnie … Pooh!` Or sorry: `Piti piti pa!!!` As you must have guessed now, mes cheres amis, that the current allegoric narrative about the complicated and contradictory ways of the artistic creation has almost come to its close. Ah! Nothing for it, but to remember Mona, Leo and Ann at last!
Poetess Anna Akhmatova (1889—1966) and her son, philosopher and historian Lev (Leo) Gumilyov (1912-1992)
Mona Lisa: `Watching his sonny Leo drawing my portrait with his sticky-sticky stinky-stinky abundant poo (I wonder if food is good there!) Anna Akhmatova burst into her famous lines from her poem `I do not need lines in the odic arrays ...` («Мне ни к чему одические рати...» (1940): `If you would only guess from what untid`ness//The poems grow dead to shame and conscience`. After that she vexedly exclaimed: `My son and horror!` («Мой сын и ужас!») and deeply sighed`.
FICTION WEAVING μυθοπλόκοσ is the way the Greek poetess Sappho (630/612 - 572/570 B.C.) defined her own`SAPPHIC` DISCOURSE. Despite she lived on the brink of the seventh and sixth centuries B.C. her influence has been felt so far. She influenced poetry, inspired theatre, cinema and music. She was from the island of Lesbos.
`The isles of Greece, the isles of Greece!//Where burning Sappho loved and sung …` (`The Isles of Greece` by George Gordon Byron)
That island was more famous with the fact that it gave its name to female homosexualty. In connection with this there`s a lot of speculations concerning this topic in that I don`t take interest at all. It was before Christ, there left no living witnesses, at the least she was a bisexual person, but in any case I didn`t hold a candle over her couch (as reads a Russian idiom), therefore it means nothing.
What means then? That she was and she remains one the greatest lyric poet of our planet, a woman poet who is still being read and goes on to inspire and directly and indirectly influence the artistes and art. Wow! Sappho lived in Mytilene (Mytilini) Μυτιλήνη in the Aeolian region of Ancient Greece and spoke the Aeolic dialect of the Greek language (Aeolic Greek) and made her verses in it.
As it was written in the poem of The Song of the Rose (The Praise of Roses) by an unknown ancient Greek author, one that she influenced so greatly that his poem had been mistakingly identified as that of Sappho herself for a long time, the Rose must be considered as a the Queen of Flowers, and Sappho who used that image of rose, roses, rose petals in her poetry as well are the Queen of Poetry.
Orchestra `Kiev Classic` and Choir `Credo` (Conductor Hermann Makarenko). Song in Greek from the ballet `Zorba` by Mikis Theodorakis. Performed by T. Pirogova. The 8th theatricalized concert `Declaration of Love` in ancient capital of Russia. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn_lKHMcZjg&feature=player_detailpage
THE PRAISE OF ROSES: If Zeus had willed it so//That o'er the flowers one flower should reign a queen,//I know, ah well I know//The rose, the rose, that royal flower had been!// She is of earth the gem,// Of flowers the diadem; //And with her flush// The meadows blush;//Nay, she is beauty's self that brightens// In Summer, when the warm air lightens! // Her breath 's the breath of Love, // Wherewith he lures the dove// Of the fair Cyprian queen;// Her petals are a screen// Of pink and quivering green,// For Cupid when he sleeps,// Or for mild Zephyrus, who laughs and weeps. [I](trans. Mary Barnard)
Mikis Theodorakis
That poem from Athenaeus is too ponderous for Sappho, she is more elegant and simple in her writings. She was not afraid of being not only lyrical but also vulgar and comical according to a moment.
She was not artificial, she was natural, sensual, almost an animal in relation to the sex and in the reflection of her desires in her poetry. Or maybe she just pretended to be a person like that! A Great Greek Pretender! An Ancient one! Ulysses!
Элиас Мандаринов-Барабас: Сажающий розы молочник.//Что может быть необычнее//для садовника,//пьющего молоко? A milkman potting roses.//What can be more unusual//For the milkman//Drinking milk? Elias Mandarinoff-Barabas (2008) (trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
There could be even found the traces of esoterism in her poetry, of course, of that of the unconscious one. We must remember that Plato called Sappho the Tenth Muse, or to be short, he sacred her as a goddess for being a natural born poet. (Charles Baudelaire's Lesbos: `Et Venus a bon droit peut jalouser Sapho! And Venus may rightly be jealous of Sappho!`) And Muses were daughters of Zeus. Though, in time of Plato, it was just a metaphor, a mere praise of Sappho, still there was something `Folk Shintoistic` in her personality and in her poetry. (By the way, that poem was translated earlier by Mrs. Elizabeth Barrett Browning and John Myers O'Hara (1910) as The Song of the Rose. That title is used in the Japanese translation of that poem as well:
Besides, she was very often brief, rather laconic, used no long words, so to read her is not an onerous duty, and more modern translations of the 20c. stress this feature of her poetry that, no doubt, has mostly come down (or `up`?) to us in fragments, sometimes even in single, though rather promising, aphoristic lines. To compare her poetry with the Japanese tankas and hokkus became a commonplace, though I catch the broader context of the Oriental culture or even prehistoric folkloric tradition common for the whole humankind (it`s in subconscious demand for the time being too). Fortunately, Sappho was never aware of having been a Sappho, so she wrote and sang and danced in the framework of her syncretic poetry what she had wanted to write and express, so to say, à corps perdu, self-forgetfully, paying no attention for all the following artistes, scholars, etc.
I am gravely dissatisfied. Being not as young as I would like to be I am still an angry `young` man. I protest against the way Sappho and the Ancient Greek art are often presented nowadays. Something doleful, melancholic, murky and sad. And what about wine, grapes (not of the wrath in the wuthering heights of cold Albion), apples, taverns, about the bright Sun and blue sea? The scenary did not permit the ancient Greeks to be predisposed to deppression, decline and terrific boredom. When in the midst of the 20 c. Micky Theodorakis had the nerve to compose his world-famous SIRTAKI (`Greek Zorba`(1962)) he managed to grasp the very idea of the ancient `greekness`.
Sunny music, Hellene men drunk as lords are holding one another and still ready to fall any moment, their funny movements generated that dance of buoyancy and love of life. This is the way the ancient Greeks were, may be not only all the time so cheerful and drunk, but also and in any case not so mournful as the idea were being suggested to us, and their poetry that was being unrarely sung and danced in time of Sappho was not exclusively plaintive and lachrymose. It was a Hymn of Love of Life rather than a Requiem. Even a tragedy was kathartic! And they still go on to perform the Ancient Greek nuptial hymns as if it were a funeral rather than a wedding. Haw-haw-haw!
The Ancient Greek poetry, Sappho`s lyric poetry was rhythmic and very often ecstatic, and dashing around Hellas between Appolo and Dionysus, to and fro, to and fro as if from the Beatles to the Rolling Stones and back again. Alas, but Ancient Greeks were not the Reformed ones. They were not either that courtly as artists and hiddenly libertine ladies and gentlemen of the Age of the Enlightenment were. From time to time it seems that John Bach and George Frederic Handel were the only `Ancient Greeks` in Europe of that time despite all that baroque and rococo. Bach`s `Hellenic` music is much nearer to the poetry of the Sappho epoch than many other excellent music opuses dedicated to her after him. Nearer by spirit, by `language`, mentality and perception of the world. It suggests, it generates a typological consanguinity! And again the most joyful works composed by Bach are subconsciously, Christianly esotheric. Enough to remember a joyfully frenzy ecstasy of its melody for flute and orchestra.
Little Sappho could play and really played like that child somewhen in the past. Sappho was a little girl too, quite innocent. In time of Sappho noble girls and women who once invented leisure due to their wealth gathered to spend time and performed various songs, dances, recited the poems often being written right at spot.
That was an environment where Sappho felt in her element. Sappho was kinda star of the ancient Greece`s country style based on folklore tradition YET, but predisposing individuality, ipseity ALREADY. When behind the wall the next door girl listens to the Afro-American rap I can`t hear the singing or lyrics but I do hear sound of drums, tomtoms, I feel I am a part of an African tribe to which we all human beings once belonged. Yet the Rap is a modern artistic creation generated by the individualistic cuture of the megapolises. The same case is Sappho I feel archetypal patterns, evergreen passions, yet she was very modernist, especially inventive for her time, she wrote personal, lyric poetry.
That`s why, by the way, I like so much when they make new translations of her poems since she`s not archaic, but ever living, longstanding poetess. Traditional, spontaneous and highly artistic. Lyric. Sometimes lyrical. Sometimes boisterous. Sometimes ecstatic. Besides, it was a very feminine poetry and too tender child-loving poetry. Exclusively. It makes me doubt that she was a lesbian, i.e. was a man physiologically inside of her woman`s body though in Ancient Greece neither lesbian love nor mainly male pedophilia to some extent were not public sins. It was quite an archaic, heathen epoch. Not modern one. They were often B.S. as it was B.C. Tee-hee!
Sappho and her cell phone - a pure sapphistication!
How did Sappho look like? Who knows. There is no authentic portraits of that person, only artistic phantasies in colour, clay and marble. There have been many women who are likely to remind of her. First of all I`d like to remember Isadora Duncan (1878-1927), that charming American lady that `re-invented` the style of the `Ancient Greek` dance. At least she used to think so. So did her followers.
This is a documentary of real Isadora Duncan dancing in the Poseidon temple in Greece in Athens on the Cape Sunion in the Aegean sea. Further she is shown with her Russian husband Sergei Yesenin, the greatest poet of Russia of the 20 c. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXU6vEYjlxg&feature=player_detailpage
Like Sappho Isadora doesn`t want to die either and keeps inspiring women around the world. Her manner would have hit the spot in Hellas, it would have been to Sappho`s taste, I s`pose. Being not a ballerina at all Isadora Duncan managed to interest the classical ballet performers, ballet stars like Maya Plisetskaya or Tamara Rojo to follow her Greek style. They eagerly imitated her manner on the verge of innocent childness and sensual ecstasy.
Sometimes I think that the way the Sappho recited her lyrics while dancing and singing had got much in common with the manner of performing love songs in the Orient, modern Arabic Middle East, Persia, India. Greece in the ancient time were being transformed from an Oriental Society to a European one. Yet it always up to Alexandre the Great and later felt it had been linked with the Orient. I can imagine that Sappho could be like Dalida and dance in the same manner. Why not? When I recall the love affairs of Sappho, how she carried a torch and harrassed young Fao(n) and neglected Alceus, her incessant train of amorous adventures, then something like that leaps into my mind:
`Mashallah` sung by Katrina Kaif and Salman Khan http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TokUryx8Swo
Wow! Tis hot, girls! I feel like dancing and flirting as well. But strict experts are used to restrict the free flight of my fantasy a great deal. They tell me. Just see, this is the way the real ancient Greek music sounded. They used musical instrument excluding fire and joy! They moaned to their sad tunes. When `restoring` the manner Sappho allegedly practiced to perform her verses all the specialists and musicians insist on sadness and anguish! I do not mean the girls who gonna perform below, it concerns all, it`s a common, commonly vice approach! This time it`s me who insists on it.
What an amazing music and instrument reconstruction that are so irrisistible! As Konstantin Stanislavsky would say, `I believe!` Yet the traditional instruments may have quite different sound, they are enough mighty to express the passionate love! In nowadays China they mix the traditional instruments with the modern ones and the traditional ones occurred never to be in the background in expression of passion, ecstasy of love. Never! Moreover, they`re especially sexual, they add erotisism like an aphrodisiac, like musical Viagra.
Sappho could assume an aspect of many nowadays women, not only celebriries. But she was a celebrity and she is still a superstar. When I think of Sappho I can`t help remembering American poetess Emily Elizabeth Dickinson (1830 -1886) (“Hope” is the thing with feathers …”), British actress Vanessa Redgrave, Captain Phillipa Louvois from the Startrek (image) and her actress Amanda Mcbroom, the excellent lyricist, author of the famous song`The Rose` (listen below), Joan Baez also resembled woman poet Sappho.
SAPPHOCATION (SAPHO`S ORIGINAL LYRIC AND AUTHORS` WORD-TO-WORD, ARTISTIC, LOOSE AND COMICAL TRANSLATIONS, COVERS AND VARIATIONS)
Oh, Sappho! She was a free woman. As a rule, the woman of Greek islands were freer than the women in the Continent (but the Etruscan women were even much more free as they and men in Tuscany enjoyed the equal rights). Culturally, Europe was only Greece that time and Greece was Europe exclusively, and we, the rest, all of us, except for those out of the Oriental countries were that time just barbarians. Sappho formed the House of the Muses, the poetic society that united young aristocratic girls, she was their educator, tutor. She taught them to recite, sing, dance, make verses, play Lyras and other musical instruments. Her own poetic gift was beyond any comparison, she was a real individual, outstanding personality. She loved life, her contemporaries considered her to be extremely passionate.
Ἕγω δὲ φίλημ᾽ ἀβροσύναν, καὶ μοι τὸ λάμπρον// ἔροσ ἀελίω καὶ τὸ κάλον λέλογχεν I love refinement and for me Love has the splendour and beauty of the sun. Я негу люблю,//Юность люблю,//Радость люблю//И солнце.//Жребий мой – быть//В солнечный свет//И в красоту//Влюблённой. (Вячеслав Иванов (1914))I love contentment.//I do love youth.//It`s joy that I love.//And the Sun.//My destiny is//To be in love with//Sunlight//And beauty.(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie) (2014)
Ήρθε και τρύπωσε ο Ερμής//στο όνειρό μου μέσα, και του είπα//Αφεντάκο μου, πώς χάθηκε η ζωή μου.//Και δε γελώ, δε χαίρομαι//μήτε τα πλούτη θέλω,//μα κάποιος πόθος με βαστά//ζητάω να πεθάνω.//Τις υγρές να δώ με τους λωτούς// του Αχέροντα τις όχθες Пришел Гермес, ворвался в сон//и я его спросила//Мой господин, теряю жизнь, чем это заслужила//И не смеюсь и не пою, не радуюсь я//но и богатства не хочу,// страсть мучает меня//и смерти жажду я//Увидеть воды Ахерона//и лотосы на склонах… (Пер. Е. Федоровой)
Sappho
Hermes came in, he burst into my dream
And I asked him
My lord, I`m losing life of mine, why am I facing music
I neither laugh nor sing nor feel joy
Wealth, it`s not what I want
My passion torments me
I am death-thirsty
To see Acheron waters
And water lilies on the pitchies of hills ... (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THEME: OPRA(H) GLASS: BUDDY, AIN`T IT BEST SAPPHO, DA BEST TRANSLATION? “Raise high the roof beam, carpenters*. //Like Ares comes the bridegroom, //Taller far than a tall man.” //(Trans. H. T. Wharton)
* The first line of this poem by Sappho was used by American classical author Jerom Salinger as the title of his short story Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters (Выше стропила, плотники) published in the New Yorker in the 1950s. Buddy Glass was one of the characters of that short story.
Ἴψοι δὴ τὸ μέλαθρον,// Υ᾽μήναον// ἀέρρετε τέκτονεσ ἄνδρεσ,//Υ᾽μήναον
γάμβροσ ἔρχεται ἶσοσ Ά᾽ρευϊ,// [Υ᾽μήναον]//ανδροσ μεγάλο πόλυ μείζων// [Υ᾽μήναον] Выше стропила, плотники!//О Гименей!//Входит жених, подобный Арею,//Выше самых высоких мужей! (Перевод В. Вересаев первая строка - Рита Райт-Ковалева) For comparison: Псалом 23: 7-10 7 Поднимите, врата, верхи ваши, и поднимитесь, двери вечные, и войдет Царь славы! Psalm 23:7-10 Lift up your gates, O ye princes, and be ye lifted up, O eternal gates: and the King of Glory shall enter in. Who is this King of Glory? the Lord who is strong and mighty: the Lord mighty in battle.
MY FIVE VARIATIONS:
Словно ветер, с горы на дубы налетающий,//Эрос души потряс нам...//(пер. В. Вересаева)
I. CROCODILE ROCK, SAPPHO SHAKE, A FOOL ON A HILL Ἕροσ δαὖτ᾽ ὲτίναξεν ἔμοι φρένασ,//ἄνεμοσ κατ ὄροσ δρύσιν ἐμπέσων Now like a mountain wind the oaks o'erwhelming, Eros shakes my soul.
Like wind hawking at oaks on a hill Eros has shaken our souls.(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
II. A SLIP OF THE LIP, OR A WORLD CUP Οἶον τὸ γλυκύμαλον ἐρεύθεται ἄκρῳ ἐπ᾽ ὔσδῳ//ἄκρον ἐπ᾽ ἀκροτάτῳ λελάθοντο δὲ μαλοδρόπνεσ,//οὐ μὰν ἐκλελάθοντ᾽, //ἀλλ᾽ οὐκ ἐδύναντ᾽ ἐπίκεσθαι
Ты как медовое яблочко зреешь на ветке высокой,//Где садоводы тебя позабыли; нет, – не забыли. –//Многие видят тебя, да достать ни один не сумеет. As the sweet apple blushes on the end of the bough,//the very end of the bough which gatherers missed,//nay, missed not, //but could not reach.
Like a tasty little apple you are getting ripe on a branch
Missed by the gardeners, no, not missed ...
There's many a slip ... . (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
III.PRESIDING MUSES, OR GAUDEAMUS IGITUR
В доме моем, посвященном музам,//Злая печаль не смеет явиться: Здесь ей не место.
It`s at my house dedicated to Muses
Where evil sadness won`t ever turn up. There`s no place for it. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Γλύκεια μᾶτερ, οὔ τοι δύναμαι κρέκην τὸν ἴστον,//πόθῳ δάμεισα παῖδοσ βραδίναν δἰ Ἀφρόδιταν //My sweet mother, broken by soft Aphrodite's spell,//longing for a youth, I can no more weave the cloth.
Mother, I cannot mind my wheel;//My fingers ache, my lips are dry://Oh! if you felt the pain I feel!//But oh, whoever felt as I?//No longer could I doubt him true;//All other men may use deceit://He always said my eyes are blue,//And often swore my lips were sweet. (Walter Savage Landor (1775 -1864)
IV. ORIGINAL SIN, OR BASIC INSTINCT Ἔρος δηὖτέ μ' ὀ λυσιμέλης δόνει,//γλυκύπικρον ἀμάχανον ὄρπετον Eros, again now, the loosener of limbs troubles me,//Bittersweet, uncontrollable creature (trans. A. S. Kline) Eros tortured me again to make me be weary,//Such a bitter-sweet, resistless serpent!(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
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And there the bowl of ambrosia was mixed//and Hermes took the ladle to pour out for the gods;//
and then all held goblets and made libation,//and wished good fortune to the bridegroom.(trans. Cox)
CHASTITY PARIAH A. Παρθενία, παρθενία, ποῖ με λίποισ᾽ ἀποίχῃ;
B. Οὐκέτι ἤξω πρὸσ σέ, οὐκέτι ἤξω Maidenhood, maidenhood, whither art thou gone from me?//Never, O, never again, shall I return to thee. «Невинность моя, невинность моя,//Куда от меня уходишь?»//«Теперь никогда, теперь никогда//К тебе не вернусь обратно».(перевод В. Вересаева)
-Virginity of mine, virginity of mine,
To where are you going?
-I no longer return, no longer return
To you.
-Well, I never …
(Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Little Gargantua and his foreign tutor on their way to their bedroom up the staircase: GARGANTUA: to TAUNT SAPHO IS A MUST TUTOR: What, what? GARGANTUA: SAPPHO IS A TAUNT MAST TUTOR: The ladder is bedder, junior!
** Jumbo wonderchild Gargantua must be remembered a minstrelsy `Sappho kunopis kai mantis = Sappho, bitch! (and philospher )` for soprano and clarinet, Op. 39. Song Cycle by Eric Hudes (1920-2009). (Authors: Eric Hudes, Sappho. Translated by Mary Barnard). The cycle includes songs to the poems At my age -- I hear that Andromeda -- Sappho, when some fool -- Strange to say -- Yes, it is pretty -- If you are squeamish -- Experience shows us -- Rich as you are -- We know this much.
What rapture could I take?//I know not what to do,//My mind is reft://Is song's gift best?//Is love's gift loveliest?//I know not what to do,//Now sleep has pressed//Weight on your eyelids.//Shall I break your rest//Devouring, eager,//Is love's gift best?//Nay, song's the loveliest://Yet, were you lost,//What rapture could I take from song?//What song were left?//(H. D. after Sappho)
SAPPHISMS, OR AFTER SAPPHO! IMITATIONS AND FANFICS!
P. OVIDI NASONIS EPISTVLAE HEROIDVM XV. Sappho Phaoni Ecquid, ut adspecta est studiosae littera dextrae, //Protinus est oculis cognita nostra tuis?//an, nisi legisses auctoris nomina Sapphus,//hoc breve nescires unde veniret opus? When these letters, from my eager hand, are examined//are any of them known to your eyes, straight away, as mine?//Or would you not know where this work came from//in short, unless you’d read the name of its author, Sappho? (trans. A.S. Kline)Публий Овидий НазонГЕРОИДЫ Письмо пятнадцатое САФО – ФАОНУ Что же, увидев листок, что прилежной исписан рукою,// Сразу твои глаза руку узнают мою.// Или, если на нем не прочтешь ты имени Сафо,//То не поймешь, от кого краткое это//письмо?
Овидий (Publius Ovidius Naso)Послания Сафо к Фаону(вольное рифмованное переложение Якова Рабинера): Этот листок, что рукою исписан прилежно//Должен ты сразу узнать,//Ведь под каждой строфой//Вывела я не рукою, а памятью нежной,//Мыслью моей о тебе//кратко и страстно - Сафо
Yakov Rabiner
Ovid`s Epistle from Sapho to Phaon TOY (Thinking Of You) You gonna tab it right away
That scroll studiously covered with my writing.
Each strophe traced out not by my hand …
My tenderness, my toy have put
Sappho to them. Andrew Alexandre Owie
LIKE SAPPHO LIKE ME
Epigraph: ψαύην δ' οὐ δοκίμωμ' ὀράνω †δυσπαχέα/ Πσαύην δ᾽ οὐ δοκίμοιμ᾽ ὀράνω δύσι πάχεσιν With my two arms, I do not aspire to to touch the sky (Cox). Мне не кажется трудным до неба дотронуться...(пер. В.В. Вересаев) It seems not difficult for me to touch the skies.
Вацлав Ас Нереиды милые, на гребне ваших волн поднимите меня//...уровень неба... ...ни...// ...а внизу... ...сумятица...// ...девушки в пляске веселой...//Последние виденья... ...внизу оказалась// На дне, рядом с печалью...
Waclaw As Nereids, my sweet, make me mount your wavecrests
... level of sky ... so
... and beneath ... turmoil ...
... girls` dance of joy ...
Further daydreams ... occured to be beneath,
At the bottom nearby sadness.
(trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Andrew Alexandre Owie DURA LEX SED LEX How do you say old is she, my dear?//Aha, 15.//So you`ll spend not less than 15 in prison,//poor Sappho Polanski.
A frightful story about ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite (Venus in Latin) that made a trendy theatre director toe the line! Terrific scene to the Greek tune!
SAPHEAD`S SAPPHISMS Зинаида Гиппиус: И я такая добрая, //Влюблюсь - так присосусь. //Как ласковая кобра я,//Ласкаясь, обовьюсь.
Xenaida Gippius [zʲɪnɐˈidə ˈɡʲipʲɪus] (1869-1945)
From Xenaida Ghippius A LADY OF FEW WORDS
I am so kind and so on.
When I`m in love I cling to you.
Being kinda tender cobra
I twist myself around (in few!) (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Sophia Parnok (Parnokh) (to her ladyfriend Nina Vedeneyeva): Глаза распахнуты и стиснут рот,//И хочется мне крикнуть грубо: //«О, бестолковая! Наоборот, – //Закрой, закрой глаза, открой мне губы!»
Sophia Parnok (1885-1933)
From Sophia Parnok (born Parnakh) IMPATIENT ABC OF PETTING
Your eyes are open
Your lips are compressed,
I`d like to rudely shout out:
`You stupid fool! Vice versa, my pet,
Close your eyes, open your mouth!` (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Полеваев: Подражание Сафо//любовь хитроумный божок//улыбается он и сети//плетёт искусно//кто ему поклоняется//тот не тем//бывает//вознаграждён.
Mr. Polevayev
Polevaev after Sappho ARTFUL DODGER
Love`s but an artful tin god
He smiles, he makes his nets.
She who whores after him a lot
Gets not what she wants to get. (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
IT HURTS WHEN HEART ACHES Ника Сафо ЛЮБОЛЬ: Что ты рисуешь, девочка?//Сердце.//Что это в нем написано?//Любовь.//А зачем рядом ножницы?//Удалить.//А что ты хочешь вырезать?//ЛюБоль.
Nike Sappho HEART HURTS
What are you drawing, girl?//Heart.
What are you writing on it?//Luv.
This pair of scissors, what for?//To have it out.
What?//Hurt-ache!(Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Screenplay and poems by Andrew Alexandre Owie after Leonid Zorin (Saltzmann)`s play `Man and Women`
Leonid Ghenrokhovitch Zorin (Saltzmann)
AQUA DULCE, AQUA SALá, OR SAPPHO & ALCAEUS (THE AEGEAN SEASIDE SCENE)
Epigrah: Drama at the seaside: men laugh while women cry. OVERTURE (TV COMMERCIAL) (ladies` vocal trio): To Greece, Greece! When you`re sick and tired,
To Greece, Greece! When plights distract you,
To Greece, Greece! When you seem no way out,
To Greece, Greece, Greece!
Greece, Greece! O liberal sun and b(i)ea(t)ches!
Greece, Greece! There grow plums`n`peaches!
Greece! Please! Greece! (lady`s baby voice:) To satisfy your heart`s caprice (man`s velvet voice:) You gotta go RIGHT NOW to Greece!
CABANA INTRODUCTION Act 1
SAPPHO: I`ve been observing your sitting on the beach for the second day ... Haven`t you ever been to Lesbos before? ALCAEUS: No, I haven`t. Can I render you any service, ma`am? S: You attracted my attention, there`s a kind of inescapability, an air of mystery that I feel about you! Who you? A: Well, what d`you mean ... I`m Alcaeus Byron-Omnipotentassis. Al, just Al … for close friends. So what? S: As to me I am just, I`m only Sappho! Does my name talk something to you, Sir? Yes, yes, that very Sappho! The inventor of the lyric poetry! A: Oh, my God! Now I see! Well, nice to meet you, ma`am. Tanto gusto, encantado! S: The pleasure is all mine, Sir. More important is that you love and understand my poetry! A: Yes, I do. S: What is your favourite poem, eh? Mine, of course! A: You know they are all delicate! S: Remember any ... please! A:... off the top of my head? Right now? Ah! They are all fine, afterall! S (reciting): Μὴ κίνη χέραδασ Stir not the pebbles! γαρυίει δι ἄλος = calls across the sea Right now die without words
Be born again and die forever
May sea keep crying in the open
And seagulls moan ...I entreat:
`You echo!` ... ... ... ... ...
You`re calm, indeed!
A: That poem will do! S: What poem? You cannot have read it. I made that verse here, on the 9th of June, 05:21 a.m., at dawn. A: I`ve meant that very poem hasn`t been familiar with me so far. Yet I`ve liked it immediately. S (very pleased): My proposal. Let`s go to the seashore! … Ben! A: What for? S: There are breakers there! A: Then willingly! … Sappho!
CHORUS: OH, YES! WIL-LING-LING!-LY! INTRODUCTIONS HAPPEN. SO DAMN PRETTY WELL. BUT FRANKLY SPEAKING, ALCAEUS, GRANDGRANDNEPHEW OF LORD BYRON HAD NEVER MET THE LITERARY BOHEMIA FACE TO FACE BEFORE. BUT THOUGH HE FELT SOME AMBIVALENCE IN RELATION TO THEM, SAPPHO MANAGED TO PROVOKE HIS VIVID INTEREST. SUDDENLY, HE MADE UP HIS MIND TO USE THAT HAPPY OPPORTUNITY AND PENETRATE INTO THE SUSPICIOUS, BIZARRE AND EVEN QUEER WORLD OF THAT SOCIAL AND PROFESSIONAL STRATUM WHOSE REPRESENTATIVES HAD NOT TO DAILY AND ROUTINELY SPEND THE DULL AND LONG HOURS IN THE OFFICES OF THE BIG GAS&OIL CORPORATIONS.
FROM SOUVENIRS TO SOUVENIRS, OR ALL ABOUT EVES Act 2
They began to promenade along the seashore everyday and talk and talk and ... talk!!! SAPPHO: Now I am despondent, I`ve got a vague premonition ... some vagueness. (She spitted in a way Alcaeus would have considered rather vulgar earlier.) It`s so strange but this night I smelled salt of the waves and sadness... My heart ached... everything is that tricky... ALCAEUS: Say not so! Tricky .... Amazingly tricky! All! Common sense ... In search of it you may easily earn the perfect nervous exhaustion! S (reciting): Ἕγω δὲ φίλημ᾽ ἀβροσύναν, καὶ μοι τὸ λάμπρον// ἔροσ ἀελίω καὶ τὸ κάλον λέλογχεν (I love refinement and for me// Love has the splendour and beauty of the sun). Today I thought about what I loved
And it was hard for me to answer.
I love skyline, wet sand I love,
Cart roads, but most of all
I love the eves ...(very long rest) A (puzzled): The what? Eves? What the eves? S: And you, do YOU love the eves? A: Me!? S: To be on the eve! On the verge, on the brink! That`s my joy! On the eve of a gale, on the eve of my fate... Tell me if you are happy? I`m happy when I feel Mother Gaia! She sings under my feet, then I feel some mighty shocks and tremor! Are you fond of splashing through the puddles on your bare feet when it rains? A: Sorry, but my radiculitis ... it hurts severely there (oh, no, it seems here!) Awesome! S: Would you like to be a vagabond? To wander everywhere aimlessly, for no reason? A: On the one hand, due to my business activities, but, on the other hand ... S: Stop being cagey! Are you happy, Sir? Eh, Al! A: Wouldn`t you know it, my family ... S: Enough! All`s clear, Sir! A: No, no, no, I do not complain ... S: You needn`t. I`ve grasped your idea! A: Ma`am ... eh, Sappho ... May I ask you a tactless question? Are YOU married? S: Let`s change the subject. I`m not ready to reply! My sweet comrade, you oughta get to learn that there`s but one form of interaction between a woman and man. A single combat! Mortal! Corrida! Warfare! They all and always destroy each other!
A: I say! It`s out of all reason! It`s aweful! S (reciting): ἀ δέ μίδρως κακχέεται, τρόμος δέ//and cold sweat holds me and shaking//παῖσαν ἄγρει, χλωροτέρα δὲ ποίας//grips me all, greener than grass//ἔμμι,τεθνάκην δ' ὀλίγω 'πιδεύης// am and dead - or almost//φαίνομαι [ἄλλα]//I seem to me. (H.T. Wharton)
O turn it in, will you?! Aren`t you fed up
Your soul with my anguish, vagueness?
And stay where you are, in utter darkness,
The more so because we are no couple!
Pass me my scarf, or else it `s getting rumpled!
Wake up, mister! My headscarf, please! A: Sorry I thought you were still reciting! Ha-ha! S: No, I`ve finished. I know you are pleased and even want some more. By the way, I wrote that poem in London! A: In London, how nice of you! S: In a single room of my tiny hotel, after meeting my readers, those stalwart blue eyed Bobbies from the British police. By the way, it happened in that famous bookstore! It was a day of my triumph! I always specify where and how my verses were being born. It helps me to dip into the river of my sweet reminiscences that incessantly runs thru` my mind! Thus, I am able to remember the whole atmosphere of every event at once!
A: You see, it`s very, amazingly clever! S: Summing up! I feel no pity of our having met each other in Lesbos. I haven`t been disappointed yet! Se ya! I`m going out on a date with my Muse! A: Your girlfriend if I dare ... S: Well, I like that ... She is my notebook which I use to type my poems! So to say, I`ll go to work! (reciting) ταῖσι [δὲ] ψῦχρος μὲν ἔγεντὀ θῦμος,//πὰρ δ' ἴεισι τὰ πτέρα ...But their heart turned cold and they dropt their wings. (H. T. Wharton) Halt, please! To where are you going now?
Why have you been with me so cunning?
Tell me where is your edge and brink?
Where is our berth we`ll rest in piece?
CHORUS: NO DOUBT THAT COMMUNICATION WITH THE LITERARY CELEBRITY REQUIERED A LOT OF EFFORT AND STRAINED EARS OF OUR ALCAEUS. IN HIS EMAIL TO HIS MATRON, HOWEVER, JUST TO IMPRESS HER AS HE SUSPECTED HER AT BEING NOT TOO RESPECTFUL TO HIM(!), HE REPORTED THAT HE MADE ACQUAINTANCE WITH FAMOUS WOMAN POET SAPPHO WHO DESCENDED (!) TO HIS PERSON AND GENEROUSLY CAST PEARLS OF HER RARE TALENT BEFORE HIM. HE DIDN`T FORGET TO MENTION THAT SAPPHO CONSIDERED HIS COMPANY EXCLUSIVELY USEFUL FOR HER CREATIVE WORK.
IN THE RECIPROCAL MESSAGE HIS SPOUSE, HOWEVER, NOTED THAT SHE QUESTIONED THE CULTURAL, SPIRITUAL AND INTELLECTUAL WEALTH OF HIS NEW BI … SORRY SL …ACQUAINTANCE. SHE DIDN`T FORGET TO MENTION THAT SHE DOUBTED THAT HIS COMPANY COULD EVER BENEFIT ANY PERSON. SO LATER HE TRIED TO AVOID OF TOUCHING THAT HOT SUBJECT.
FAREWELL Act 3
MEANWHILE the poetess was about to leave for Sicily and decided to celebrate that occasion. SAPPHO: Now I am crazy and unintelligible. `Obscure` is the right word to express my feelings. ALCAEUS: Honestly, I have no idea why we came here, to that port tavern instead of our going to a first-rate restaurant in downtown. S: You seem to never ever have ideas! Just think, do I really need a restaurant`s dull? Flattery of a maitre d', starched tablecloths? My place is here, in that seaside tavern!
A: Just look who are sitting here! S: They must be the pirates, smugglers, longshoremen! So what? A: A pretty go! I don`t like it. One of them is staring at me. S: Never mind! He simply has recognized me! (waving her hand to a complete stranger). A: What if these hooligans and drunkards would start molesting .... S: I know you gonna defend me! A: What strange things you are, poets! S: Don`be afraid, you`d better remember what we are here for. Adieu, my companion! To your health! I`m leaving tomorrow night! A: I will miss you, Saph. Really! S: I can`t help it. I`ll have to leave for Syracuse. Cheers, partner! A: I`m afraid you have had one too many? S: Relax! I know my draught, I mean when I have had enough ...(Sniffing and pointing out to the bowl wine of Phalernum): Ἕλθε, Κύπρι,//Χπρυσίασιν ἐν κυλίκεσσιν ἄβραισ// συμμεμιγμένον θαλίαισι νέκταρ οἰνοχόεισα`Come, goddess of Cyprus, and in golden cups serve nectar delicately mixed with delights`.. What rough fresh wine! I must really remember this event! The Pleiades, fair Moon, intoxicated mob, your sad smile. I feel a concentration of vice in the air! A sea breeze! And a new Eve! The eve of my departure!
A (timidly): It`s time to go, isn`t it? S (pushing Alcaeus back to his chair): I feel that gestalt of our meeting hasn`t been over yet! I feel like doing something. Oh, I see, it`s likely because of ...(reciting) Your silence! No words I`m hearing.
Keep silence! Silence hides your force!
Keep silence! May the night effluvium
Be aired by the fog of your intoxicating rose! A: Well done! You are so brilliant at poems! I envy ... S: These verses have been born right here, 20th June, 1:00 p.m., in that port tavern. Let`s go, satellite! A: Where to? S: To outer space, cosmos! I`m kidding! Shall we dance, eh? Farewell to thee, companion! Farewell to thee Greece, I`m leaving for Italy! Farewell to thee, my dear Aegean sea!
P.S. From Sappho`s LYRIC DIARY entitled `THE TEMPTATION` dedicated to Mr. A - Epigraph: `Bendita el amor, te quita y te da...` (`Love is a bandit that takes and gives …`) Shall I forget a stormy moment
Of an inescapable phenomenon?
Your fateful glance,
A sudden, mute appeal of your tin arms!
My enemy, my soul`s gracious host,
Sweet passion is of yore a vice,
We are hung over an abyss and lost!
We hasten to fall down yet, that`s right!
The other day you were a serious giant,
A connoisseur of Ars Amandi ...
Today you as a son of bitch
Seeks for the shelter on my tits!
But, on the other hand, I bet!
Why must you (having your hot mouth)
Rot on your conjugal cold bed
While lying side by side your spouse?!
Sappho and Alcaeus – Picture by Sir Lawrence AlmaTadema
Oh who you, my uncomprehending?
Now you`re honey, now devastating!
Do have a heart, with me be always nice!
Feel sympathy for my poor fate!
Though, frankly speaking, there`s no vice
You wouldn`t have experienced yet!
Farewell! I drained love to the lees.
I sated passion that you granted.
You`re no more a secret, darling!
I woudn`t stand for your caprice!
There`s another sweet temptation,
Another gust, another stretch,
Adieu! My funny sweet obsession,
I`m sorry about you, I`ve blenched.
EPILOGUE Φαῖσι δὴ ποτα Λήδαν ὐακινθίνων//[ὐπ᾽ ἀνθέων] πεπυκαδμένον// εὔρην ὤιον They say that Leda once found an egg under the hyacinths. Ὠΐω πόλυ λευκότερον [A thing] much whiter than an egg. Элиас Мандаринов-Барабас: Чайка уронила//белое яйцо//Как я тебя понимаю//птичья мать... Elias Mandarinoff-BarabasEMULATING SAPPHO: A sea-gull dropped//Its white egg.//I can really grok you,//O bird`s mother.(trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Mona Lisa `Sappho`: Μνάσεσθαί τινά φαμι καὶ ὔστερον ἀμμέων I think men will remember us even hereafter. Many a man are lesbians! They love women! Aren`t we, both of us, the great pretenders? Eh, Mona?
THE INDIAN SUMMER`S HARVEST OF THE POEMS, SONGS AND STORIES
Student of the prestigious Gnessin State Musical College Michael Morozov (Михаил Морозов) performs for his classmates and instructors. His piece includes Russian, Ukrainian, Tatar, Jewish folk tunes, fragment of the `Petrushka` by Igor Stravinsky and ... French cancan! The exacting professional audience shouts `Encore! Bravo! Well done!` http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4micT2rQDEo
Music and Lyrics by Semyon Slepakov ВСТАЛА БАБА НА ВЕСЫ
ONCE A WOMAN GOT ON SCALES
Встала баба не весы, сняв с себя одежду,
украшения и трусы, затаив надежду.
Только это не спасло бабу от расстройства,
ей трехзначное число выдало устройство.
Once a woman got on scales, absolutely naked,
No panties, no gems, a faint hope for a scantling.
But resorting to those tricks wasn`t quite effective
The triple figure that popped up was so upsetting.
Refrain
Ох, весы, весы, весы, да что же вы творите,
что ж вы, электронные, мне душу бередите.
Ох, весы, весы, весы, да вы побойтесь бога,
ой, да, сотня килограммов это слишком много!
Hey, you scales, you scales, you scales, so what are you making?
Why to torment my poor soul is your entertainment?
Hey, you scales, you scales, you scales, well, come on, have mercy!
One hundred kilogrammes are much even for the pursy!
Села баба у весов и сидит рыдает,
красным краешком трусов, слёзы вытирает.
Ох, сама в своей беде я дура виновата,
от пристрастия к еде стала свиновата!
The woman sat down by her scales crying like a baby,
Wiping tears from her eyes with her scarlet panties.
`Well, I have myself to blame for getting into trouble
What a piggy girl I`d been before my face got chubby!`
Refrain
Ох, еда, еда, еда, еда, еда, еда, еда-а,
вроде не нужна ты мне, а вроде бы и да.
Ох, я дура, дура, дура, дура, дура, дура-а,
глубоко во мне моя стройная фигура.
Ох, весы, весы, весы, горите вы в аду,
Больше жить мне незачем, утоплюсь пойду.
Hey, you food, you food, you food, you food, you food, you food,
Is it what I really need or is it bad for good?
Hey, am I a fool, a fool, a fool, a fool, a fool, a fool,
My slender figure`s drowned in my body`s deepest pool.
Hey, you scales, you scales, you scales, you go right to hell,
As there`s no point in living I gonna drown myself!
Стала баба на мосту, да глядится в воды,
хочет сбросить в них белки, жиры и углеводы.
Вдруг подумал бабий мозг, погоди не надо,
только тут сломался мост и утонула баба.
The woman`s standing on a bridge looking at the water,
Gonna throw down in it her proteins, fat and glucose.
As soon as brain of hers signalled at not committing suicide
The bridge has broken by her weight and the woman`s drowned.
Refrain
Ой, беда, беда, беда, да горе огорчение,
В этот день в Воронеже случилось наводнение. What good grief, good grief, good grief! Folk`s crying with vexation!
That day in London suddenly occurred an inundation!
Баба вскрикнула во сне
B глаза открыла
И в рассветной тишине,
На весы ступила.
Смотрит баба на табло
B радости не верит,
Там двузначное число,
Девяносто девять!
She cried out in her sleep,
Opened eyes, breathed easy.
Right at dawn she made her trip
To scales being in a tizzy.
The woman weighed himself
To feel happy but quite dizzy,
Double figure popped up then!
Ninety nine! A new lease!
Refrain
Ох, весы, весы, весы, да счастье-то какое,
ой, не распрощалась я с моею красотою,
Ох, весы, весы, весы, спасибо что вы есть,
после сна кошмарного, надо бы поесть!
Hey, you scales, you scales, you scales, I feel so happy!
Fortunately, I didn`t lose my good looks being too sappy.
Hey, you scales, you scales, you scales, I`m glad you do exist,
After the night terror I have got a right to eat! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Semyon Slepakov in person
TITINA, MY TITINA
The most mysterious is a history of the authorship of the world famous tune of 20s of the 20 c. What tune? Just do not tell me that you never heard it!
This short feature film `Ben Bernie and All The Lads`, one of the first sound films in the world contained four as we could call it now music videos including that very `Titina` (sound recording by the `De Forest Phonofilm` company).
Ben Bernie
The film was issued in 1925, and the composer of the third video clip, that very `Titina`, was French composer Léo Daniderff.
Léo Daniderff
One time Léo Daniderff (Gaston-Ferdinand Niquet) (1878-1943) was considered to have been a Russian immigrant. What rubbish! Though he could pose as a Russian some time when Russian music was in vogue in Europe. The Titina was also rumoured some time to have been a variant of the Krokodila. It was wrong as well, of course. Gossips, legends! There`s no pop music without them. Alas!
He composed the score in the 1922 (Copyright 1922 by Leo Daniderff, Paris).
Later in 1925 the melody of the `Titina` which was treated like a popluar shimmy foxrtot in Europe became a part of the Parisian musical production `Puzzles of 1925` and then, in the same year, it went to Broadway.
Morever, this tune became famous throughout the world. From Japan where Titina was a superhit of 1930 (performed by Utako Hagoromo) to Poland.
As a song the `Titina`was recorded in 1924, thrice in Berlin by three jazz orchestras, conducted by Bernard Etté and Gabriel Formiggini correspondingly as `Je cherche après Titine` in French and `Ich suche dich, Titine` in German.
Bernard Etté, Gabriel Formiggini and Albert Demeulmeester (Bertal)
The third jazz orchestra was conducted by Norbert Faconi (Fabian Cohn Nikish).
The authors of the original French text of the `Titina` were Emile (Elisha) Ronn, Marcel Bertal and Louis Maubon, a trio of the not very famous even in that time lyricists (Copyright 1924 by Bertal-Maubon & E. Ronn).
Yves Montand
Je vous d'mand' pardon, messieurs dames,//D'avoir l'air inquiet et confus,//C'est que j'ai perdu, ah, quel drame!//La chose à quoi je tenais l'plus!//C'n'est pas un collier, non, mon ange!//Ni des bijoux, ni ma vertu,//Car ça encore, y en a d'rechange,//C'est Titin' dont j'étais l'Jésus!..//Titin' c'était tout mon trésor!//Où qu' t'est y? ma Titine en or? Refrain:
Je cherche après Titine, Titine, Titine!//Je cherche après Titine,//Et ne la trouve pas.//Je cherche après Titine!//Titine, Titine!//Je cherche après Titine,//Et ne la trouve pas.//Ah, maman!//Ah, papa!
I've always been a restless rover//In search of femininity.//I've met the pretty girls all over,
But only one appealed to me.//My loving heart I gayly tossed her,//This Spanish kid in old Madrid,//She captured me and then I lost her,//And ever since I'm off my lid.//I never will forget her face,//I'm searching for her ev'ry place. Refrain
I'm looking for Titina, Titina, my Titina,//I've searched from Palistina//To London and Peru.//
I'll die without Titina,//I can't eat my farina,//I don't want Rose or Lena,//Titina, I want you.//
Ah! Mama!//Ah! Papa!..
The Daniderff`s score with Bertal-Maubon & E. Ronn`s lyrics and English lyrics (not a translation! So they can be regarded as co-authors of the Titina`s text) by William Cary Duncan and Jack Mahoney (U.S.) was published in New York by the Harms Inc. Publishing House as a number of the score of the musical smash of 1925 `Puzzles of 1925` staged by Ms. Elsie Janis.
Elsie Janis on the cover of the «Theatre magazine», March 1924
And one more famous interpretation by William Thomas `Billy` Murray (1877 - 1954),
William Thomas `Billy` Murray
one of the most popular singers in the United States in the early decades of the 20th century.
In 1936 the tune won the new world`s popularity owing to Charlie Chaplin`s motion picture ` Modern Times` where Chaplin`s character had to perfom it in the language resembling Latin, i.e. French, Italian and Spanish at once. It was improvised and invented by the hero to the old tune of the Titina due to the simple and obvious fact that he lost and forgot the lyrics.
Se bella ciu satore,//je notre se cafore,//je notre si cavore,//je la tu la, ti la twa!
La spinach o la busho,//cigaretto porto bello,//si rakish spagaletto,//ti la tu la, ti la twa!
Signora Pilasina,//voulez vous le taximeter,//le zionta sous la sita,//tu la tu la, tu la wa!
Se muntia si l'amora,//la sontia so gravora,//la zontia con sora,//je la possa ti la twa!
Je notre sola mina,//je notre so cosina,//je le se tro sa vita,//je la tasa villa twa!
Se motra so las onta,//chi vos sa le travonta,//les zosha si catonta,//tra la la la, la la la!
Charlie`s girlfriend (actress Paulette (Pauline) Goddard, that time de facto wife of Charles Chaplin) wrote down the lyrics on his cuff, but when Charlie waved his hand the cuff flew away and he failed to discover it. The lyrics on the cuff must have been: A pretty girl and a gay old man//Flirted on the boulevard//He was a fat old thing//But his diamond ring//Caught her eyes as…
In young Soviet Russia Titina became famous after Chaplin`s movie and Charlie`s song and generated a helluva improvised lyrics which authorship belongs to the ordinary people from streets.
Я – Чарли Чаплин местный,
я – очень интересный.
Хожу по магазинам
и шарю по корзинам.
I`m Charlie, I`m a native,
I`m devlishly attractive,
I often do my shopping
And jostle in the pockets. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Я усики не брею,
Большой живот имею,
Хожу по ресторанам
И шарю по карманам.
Moustache under my nose,
My belly is enormous.
I visit oft the restaurants
And sing my little song. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
It was quite interesting for me to get to learn that the simple folks in Cuba also invented their own versions of Charlie`s lyrics. It also became a part of folkloric culture there. Sometimes people are used to keep the same melody but change the text. Some texts were not related to the Titina`s lyrics and had even nothing to do with Charlie, hero of Chaplin. Children and teenagers in Russia transformed them in very exotic characters, like negro Titi-Miti from Tahiti who fell in love with English lady from City and her parrot Keke. As a result of their mutual contradictions (we can`t forget that Titi-Miti had got his own wife!) based on jealousy they all died by poison and remained to lie on the sand:
As to the use of the Volapük, gibberish languages as lyrics this device as a part of the imagery of the feature films is quite common in the world. In Russia such an artistic device was used in the screen version of Alexey Tolstoy`s brilliant classical short novel `Count Cagliostro`. The film was entitled `The Love Formula` and described the adventures of Count Cagliostro and his servants in the heartland of Russia. The servants (actors Alexandre Abdulov and Semyon Farada) sing there a senseless song `Un(o) momento` based on some real Italian expressions. During singing they tell its plot.
Mare bella donna//Che un bel canzone//Sai che ti amo//Sempre amo
Donna bella mare//Credere cantare//Dammi il momento//Che mi piace piu`
Uno uno uno un momento//Uno uno uno sentimento//Uno complimento//E sacramento sacramento//Sacranento sacramento.
-What is this song about?
-This is a song about a poor fisherman from Naples who was at high sea. His poor girlfriend had been waiting for him for a long time. But in vain. Then she took off her clothes and also jumped into the the strormy sea. The abyss of the sea took her. In general, all died.
ITINERARY OF A SMALL APPLE
The tune, song and dance `Apple Small` is iconic in Russia, it`s one of a few folkloric compositions which every single Russian has known since their young years. Except for the first strophe:
Эх, яблочко,
Куда ты котишься?
Попадешь ко мне в рот,
Не воротишься!
Ah, apple small
My apple, where d`you roll?
If you get into my mouth
Hardly come back home! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
it has got no definite text, it varies from epoch to epoch, from region to region, from generation to generation, from language to language.
The Anarchist Band `The Rake`(GraBlya!) performs `Ah, Apple Small`in the Ukrainian variant of the Russian language`(`Ех, яблучко!`) following its exact version of the Civil War epoch (the 20s of the 20 c. in Russia). By the way, it sounds very nowadays! The history repeats itself! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlR2cDChjKg&feature=player_detailpage
The tune won its popularity in the 20s of the 20 c. for the first time. It was the severe Civil war in Russia that time, and the revolutionary bluejackets who were mostly anarchists brought this old sailor`s song and dance with them shoreward.
In the beginning the Red Army commanders agreed that they had to remove the anarchists` armoured train. One of them went to meet anarchists and pursuade them to free the railway line. The anarchists (from 00:00:29), the former Imperial Navy seamen and then revolutionaries, performed the`Apple Small`in honour of their guest. From the armoured train hangs over their black flag reminding of the pirate`s Jolly Roger (they used to write on it `Anarchy is the Mother of Order`and it`s this slogan is wriiten on side of their armoured train!). Commander: So that`s how you are! Anarchist #1 (actor Piotr Aleynikov): How how are we? Can`t guess. Commander: You`re traitors of the revolution. You shoot us, but the cadets and German troops are likely to be welcomed by you. Anarchist #1: Shush! By us? Do you know who I am? For example, I`m such ... Right, I`m a free man. I`ve promenaded across entire Ukraine and reached Tsaritsin. I`ve been to there and now gonna get back. I gonna change the fifth train. I`m seeking the free life! You can`t believe, but there a lot of us like me. Commander: Who`s your commander to talk with, I am a truce envoy! Anarchist #2: Your convulsions will hardly impress us! Comrade! Commander: I see we`ll have to disarm you! Anarchists: One, two, pull up!
Pay attention to the lips of the most active anarchist (actor Piotr Aleynikov), he put lipstick on them, it was a fashion of the bluejacket anarchists who also used to powder their chests and wear feminine ballet slippers. Of course, they were the first punks in history and partly were rather sinister emos and goths. No doubt, it was a special subculture, very picturesque one. The anarchists used to speak odessish, Jewish Russian language. It had got its own grammar, vocabulary and phonetics. It made their speech very colourful, inimitable and improbably expressive! I would say, naturally artistic and unnaturally unusual!
They argue a lot about the musical and choreographic roots of the tune-song-dance. Some experts prove that it originated from Moldavian song `Kalatch`, some consider it to be a kleizmerish, chassidic tune from Odessa, but in reality it is a folk dance of the Russian military seamen of the Irish descency.
The starting point of the Apple Small was Irish seaman`s dance of hornpipe which gradually was being transformed into its Russian variant that included some movements of the Russian folk dances but mainly its movements were a stylized imitation of the seamen`s activities aboard the ship, e.g. climbing masts, setting sails, towing, tug-of-war, etc.
Quick legs` movements, straight trunks, folding hands, etc. It`s quite understanding taking into account the lack of extra space on a ship`s deck.
Music Video (1946) – `Apple Small`. Piano – David Ashkenazy. Dancer – Vladimir Zernov. Directors – Ivan and Vladimir Nikitchenko. Camera- Mikhail Kirillov. It took a year to shoot this video clip that time as there were no PCs and Macs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=0aNqRXegtcw
The tune of the `Apple Small` has been widely used in the Russian Symphonic music. In 1927 there was staged a ballet `The Red Flower` to the music of Russian German composer Rheingold Moritz Glière (1875-1956) where the `Small Apple` was a special number.
THE COUNTRY HIP-HOP MAKES A SHOW OF HIS FEELINGS ON ITS WAY TO EUROPE
Europe, Opa! (Европа, Опа!) The Russian Reply to Conchita Wurst and 2014 Eurovision contest by Piotr Matryonichev. The music video shot in Dubrovsky village of Volgogradsky region of the Russian Federation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=gRuhLwgz_bs
Lyrics by Svetlana Ilyina. Music by Piotr Matryonichev O EUROPE, OPA! HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT!
Первым парнем на деревне прозвали меня
Говорили, что талант пропадает зря,
Порешили на собрании: "Не надо больше ждать!"
И мою кандидатуру в Евровидение послать.
`The cock of the villagel!` I was called in our domain.
They are also used to say that I waste my gift in vain.
The gathering decided `Stop hanging in the wind!`
I was proposed to contribute the Eurovision scene.
Refrain
Европа, опа! Давай держись!
Еще немного меня дождись. O Europe, opa! Hold on to your hat!
I will reply! Reply gonna come pat!(twice)
Piotr Matryonichev, 27, is an Indie star who sings and plays his button accordion. He is a professional musician specializing in the Russian country music style and serving in the `Red Star` Ensemble of the Russian Army`s Strategic Rocket Force.
Вдруг увидели беду в том, что вид неказист,
И в рубахе негламурной какой я артист,
Не слабо я напрягся, скажу вам не тая,
Понравиться Европе задача у меня.
All of a sudden, they`ve noticed I am too plain,
Having no chemise I am not a nightingale,
It made me feel much nervous, that`s what I must confess,
`Cuz to be a favourite person in Europe is my aim.
Refrain
Изучил Европы моду, примерил себе,
Такого я не видел, даже во сне,
Для дела может надо, но это же беда,
Перед родной деревней сгорю я от стыда.
I learned a style of Europe and tried it on a bit,
It`s beyond imagination, even in your dream!
It must be a must do, but it`s quite other tillage,
If seen by people at home, I`d have to leave my village.
Refrain
Заболела ты, Европа, и что же с лицом?
А я в твоей рубахе держусь молодцом.
Чего же ты наелась, чтоб расплох возник,
Ты посмотри, Европа, как выглядит мужик!
You must be ill, o Europe! What is with your face?
Although in your chemise I am a host in himself.
What did you smoke to go out of your mind,
Look at me, o Europe! The way a man look like.
Refrain
Ты верь, моя Россия, за модой не пойду,
Во мне такая сила, и так я всех порву.
Европа, опа! Давай держись!
Еще немного меня дождись.
Believe me, o my Russia! It`ll never be my style!
I`ve got my strength and power, a hundred virtues rise!(twice) O Europe, opa! Hold on to your hat!
I will reply! Reply gonna come pat!(twice)
Опа, опа! Америка, Европа!
Нравится, не нравится,
Прими, моя красавица.
Opa, Opa! America and Europe!
Whether you like me or not like
Accept me all the same, sweetheart!
IT`S FUNNY AND SCARY to observe the way the Europeans are losing their moral values. It must not be tolerated in Russia! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
NAPOLEON – VIVE L`EMPEREUR! LONG LIVE HIS MAJESTY THE EMPEROR! TENNO HEIKA BANZAI! 天皇陛下萬歲
Napoléon Bonaparte is … loved in Russia! Oh yeah! Despite everything. He was loved in time of war of 1812-1814 and is loved now. The Russian were only afraid of him before his invasion in Russia. Yet he was regarded by the Russian as a great man that time too. It was the only conqueror who had charmed the Russian though they all the same resisted him all the way. Two Europes confronted in the Russian battlefields, that war had many features of the All-European Civil war. Napoléon, or Nappy as he`s sometimes lovingly called, led the Grand Armee (Great Army) consisting of a dozen of languages (nations). Some of them like Spaniards resisted Napoléon inside of their own countries.
French crow soup, Cartoon of 1812 by Ivan Terebenev
The same can be said about Russia as well. Rather a strange war! Not only the Russian versus the French but also the French versus the French, Poles versus Poles, Spaniards versus Spaniards, etc. The Russian peasants who served as guerillas in the armed guerilla bands often killed both the Russian and French officers taking advantage of the similarity of the French and Russian military uniforms and tricolour flags. The French were invaders, the Russian officers were slaveholders for them. In a word, not a war but a kind of Napoléon cake which is known to be the sandwiched one. It seems to me that the European wars in the day to come will be of that, quite Napoleonic type. But if I`m wrong be free to send me as far as possible, possibly in a galaxy far, faraway! (My `Hi!` to you, classical Mr. George Lucas and no less classical Mr. Steven Spielberg! From my afar!)
Napoléon, yes, Napoléon. Russian folk song of 1812 dedicated to Prince Koutouzoff, Mikhail Illarionovich, Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the Russian Army and guerillas. Sung by the Valaam Monastery Choir http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cYuMjj0Hso
Russian Folk Song NAPOLEON, YES, NAPOLEON*
*Name Napoléon in this song and its translation are pronounced in a French way [na.po.leɔ̃], stressed is the last syllable, though without nasalization but with a division of `leon` into two isolated syllables le-on, rather than in an American or British way [nəʹpəʋlıən], to preserve the historical colour and ethnic flavour. The original text contains some `irregularities` as well though in other respects concerning other words. Listen to the native pronunciation of that name here: http://ru.forvo.com/word/napoleon/, http://wooordhunt.ru/word/napoleon. The word of Universe meant that time `the whole world, entire world` in Russian. The song is dated back to 1812. It expresses the view-point of the ordinary Russians, peasants of that epoch.
Наполеон-то, Наполеон
Шел да на Россию воевать.
Вот бы на Россию шел он воевать,
Захотел он всем светом владать.
Napoléon, yes, Napoléon,
He came to Russia to make war on.
He came to Russia to be at war
So that to conquer the whole world.
Захотел всем светом он владать,
Александру, страх Царю задать.
Александра, вот ведь устрашился,
Назад ему письмо подписал.
Alexandre I and field-marshal Koutouzoff
He wanted, o yes, to own the Universe
And to inspire Alexandre`s fear at first.
Alexandre, you know, he was frightened
And being scared sent him the letter back.
Господа-то, все наши дворяне,
Они перепугалися, не знают как и быть.
Перепугались, да все разбежались,
Ой, да в Москве нету, братцы, никого!
Our masters, all our gentlefolks
They got startled, they don`t know what to do.
The got startled and scattered in the wide world,
So, old fellows, Moscow has got no folks.
Как один-то, один не испугался -
Вот Кутузов, всем нам командир.
Как один, лишь один не устрашился -
Князь Кутузов - вот он наш герой!
Yet there was one who had no fear
It`s Koutouzoff who is our chief!
Only one who really had no fear,
It`s Prince Koutouzoff, our heroic man. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
In 1788 Russian lieutenant-general Ivan Alexandrovich Zaborowski came to Florence to hire foreign mercenaries for the Russian army. There was a big-nosed 19-year old lieutenant Buonoparte among the candidates who spoke very bad French and had a terrific accent. Zborowski explained him that to enter the Russian service he had to agree to the rank of sub-lieutenant. The guy felt insulted by that offer and ran away shouting that the King of Prussia would offer him a rank of captain. That guy was Napoléon Bonaparte. That time he was one of the world`s losers. It`s the French revolution that let him a chance. (That`s why Napoléon secretly granted pensions to Maximilien de Robespierre`s sisters. On the other hand, that`s a fact that he also supported at his own expense the former wet-nurse of Louis XVI, the last King of France).
Just in a decade that very `lieutenant`, already the Emperor of France sought in marriage of Ekaterina Pavlovna, sister of Alexandre I, the Russian Emperor. He was refused, yet later he began to seek in marriage Alexandre`s other sister Anna Pavlovna.
Ekaterina and Anna Pavlovna Romanov, sisters of Alexandre I
Napoléon wrote to Joséphine de Beauharnais from Erfurt: `Everything`s good. I am pleased with Alexandre. He must be pleased with me too. If he were a woman, I think he would be my sweetheart`. (Sic!)
On the other hand, being irritated by Alexandre`s refusal, he said: `The Russian are barbarians who have no fatherland and who seem that the other countries are better than the country in which they were born`. What can I say in connection with this? He was right and wrong simultaneously. Firstly, the Russian proved that they had got their homeland having resisted Napoléon. Secondly, they all the same remained `barbarious` after that due to the inspired by Peter the Great love of everything related to Europe and the West.
French soldiers in abandoned Moscow
Now the Russian are getting rid of this feature of their national psychology (except for a slim strata of the pro-Western `intellectuals`), yet not wishing to become the isolationists. They seem to say `May the West be the West and Russia will remain Russia! It would be much more interesting to live in that case, be on mutual visits and so on`. There`s no bliss in the impersonality! Now it`s Poland and Baltic states and so called Ukraine that according to Napoléon`s criterion remain the most barbarous countries as they consider the other countries to be better than their own ones. They do not want to be themselves, cuz, as they suppose, to be themselves means to be Russian, Chinese, Indian, Japanese, in a word, non-European. Look at Poland, that poor land, soon it will move to the UK, France and Canada. Why not to create Great Poland as it was in the 17c.? Poles, where are your balls? Where are your winged hussars? Maybe, in Russia!
Polish winged hussars. Exact reconstruction. Исторический фестиваль "Времена и эпохи", 6-8 июля 2012 г., Москва, парк "Коломенское". Historical festival `Times and epochs`, 6-8 July 2012, Moscow, Kolomenskoye park. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=0smMj_nKG5w
As to Russia it, if to sum up, comes back to the roots of its own civilization not refusing the fruit of the Western one. I`m right, aren`t I, Mr. Brzeziński? If I`m wrong, I`ll get lost in a galaxy far, far away! In a planet system revolving around the evergreen lithium star, a solar system situated far from the unpredictable supernovas!
Napoléon was not especially healthy. He often caught cold, he couldn`t sleep by any light and demanded full darkness, if he had more than enough at table he started vomitting at once. He couldn`t bear a smell of the fresh paint, off-size footwear, he often fainted as a lady and was a crybaby. (Having read this I felt glad, as it seems to be my own portrait as well. Yet I wish I were Napoléon!). But being a strong-willed person Napoléon overcame his natural weakness. He did it every single day of his life! He wasn`t a superman!
Bonaparte was a natural born `faster`(he ate too little) and nondrinker (he drank water mixed with little red wine). He always ate too quickly, breakfast took eight minutes, dinner did 15 min. Sometimes he forgot that he hadn`t had got his dinner.
From 30:13 to 30:56 Alexandre I (that time he was just the Crown Prince, not the Emperor)(actor Alexandre Yefimov) and Adam Jerzy Czartoryski (actor Alexey Zavyalov) Alexandre I: `Come in, come in ... Adam. I want to talk with you. Adam Jerzy Czartoryski (he`ll be the Russian Empire foreign minister in 1804-1806): Your Highness! I have to explain you a lot not only to deserve your forgiveness. I don`t deserve it, no! Alexandre I: Stop it, Adam. Your friendship was a gift for me. The more so because I was a jailor for you and you were a prisoner. But every prisoner has to think over how to leave the prison. Adam Jerzy Czartoryski: That`s wrong! Wrong! My prisoner and enemy is the Russian Tsar, your Father! The conspiracy was not against him only. It was against you as well, and I took part in it! Alexandre I: You`re a bad conspirator! You saved my life! Having acted like this, you lost credibility of your compatriots. You`re still my friend, Adam! I swear! ...` From 34:05 to 36:34 Napoléon (actor Vitaliy Kovalenko) and Joséphine de Beauharnais (actress Irina Nizina): Napoléon: Don`t hide your face from me! Joséphine: After you have called the feminine beauty an article of trade ... Napoléon: But I haven`t meant YOUR beauty! Joséphine: But it was Theresa who made us meet each other. Napoléon: Didn`t I ask you not .. Joséphine: ... to mention her name. But why? Isn`t it the story of our love? An inception of our happiness ... We shouldn`t forget this! We must not forget it! Napoléon: We must not, must we? But what if I want to forget it! It was your past that made you fall in the arms of that scoundrel. I`d like to forget that you were at one with that libertine, that you kept company with that bastard, Barras, to forget the orgies you all arranged ... I named you Josephine so that I could make believe that Rose de Beauharnais, the bitch of the Directory no longer exists, but ... the bitch remained the bitch ... Joséphine: You are jealous! Therefore you ARE still in love! Napoléon: No, I don`t! But I forgave you. Simply I no longer believe ... You seem never loved me. Joséphine: You don`t believe me or you do not believe in love in general? Napoléon: Do not make me say such awful things! I want just one thing. To be calm. I must work. Joséphine: Haven`t it been you who told me those aweful things right now? Later: Pavel I meets Napoleon`s Emissar Sibari who offers to conquer British India together. Pavel accepted the idea with delight! It was a beginning of his end.
He was quick with women too. Joséphine once calculated that Napoléon had had the sex with women just 5-6 days off and on annually. The old good in and out lasted a few minutes and sometimes Napoléon even didn`t take off his uniform and decoration scratched tender breasts of his women. They say that His Majesty was a certain type of a lover, not the best one. But I say that his creativity interfered and competed with his sleep, meal and sex. He`d like to do a lot of things at once to carry out all his plans. Why dare I humbly think so? Because I am not blind, I can read and see what I read. Once Napoléon confessed to his general Bertrand when they talked about women: `There was something in her. She was a real woman. She had the most pretty in the world … I mean her c.. t` (con in French). He was, he was sensual and sexy! If Napoléon had preferred love to war he could have become alternative Casanova.
From 8:20 to 00:11:15 Napoléon: I see, Madame, you`re not going to meet me. Olga: (actress Karina Razumovskaya): I was brought here by force. Napoléon (actor Vitaliy Kovalenko): That damn Constin, I`ll punish him. I promise. Olga: He`s nothing to do with it. He acted as you demanded. Napoléon: I didn`t recommend him to bring you here by force. Olga: But he simply tried to please you. Please let me go! I`m to suckle my babe daughter. Napoléon: Madame, it won`t take much time. Olga: Why do you chase me so relentlessly? Didn`t I tell you that .. Napoléon: ... you didn`t like me. Olga: Then why? Napoléon: I want to charm you. Olga: By force? Those methods are out of date, Mr. Lifelong First Consul. Napoléon:You are the only one in this country who thinks like this. Olga: I`m sure that not all the French lick your boots. Napoléon: I would define it as their fidelity. Olga: Wrong. You hate people. You do make them grovel before you. Men wants to kiss your heels while women are ready for everything for you... But this is just your conceit, nothing more. Napoléon: How can you prove your awfull accusations?! Olga: Constin, for instance. He must have been faithful to you, but now you make him do such things ... What did you do with Sibari, that kindiest man? Napoléon: It`s an exaggeration, madame. You exaggerate both my cruelty and Sibari`s kindness. Olga: Sibari is my friend, I know him better. Where did you send him to? Napoléon: Never mind! He`s my employee. He`s an excellent official and is very happy, that`s what he always wanted to do. Do not discredit him, or else you do harm that person. Olga: As you wish. Your will. You influence the fates of people, Mr. Lifelong First Consul. Ordinary people can be cruel and unjust, but you haven`t got such a privilege. You`re special. You`re great. You must be generous! From 00:16:20 to 00:18:48 Napoléon: It sounds nice. What you`ve just said. In a way. There was time when I spoke in the same spirit too. Olga: Now I can hardly believe it! Napoléon: But it was, I did. I read `La Nouvelle Héloïse`, dreamt of freedom. The way YOU do it now. That`s the difference between us. The matter is you`re below and I`m on the very top. The bird`s view, believe me, reveals the unpleasant truths. You can`t understand to what extent people may be bad. If I don`t humiliate them, they`ll start humiliating one another. In any case they need their licking of someone`s boots.... Freedom is fiction! I know it for certain now. Olga: It`s but terrible. You oughtn`t to say such things. Napoléon: It`s me who CAN say it. Olga: I feel pity of you. Napoléon: I`m glad that I erred, you`re different. You occured to be just a woman, a pretty silly woman. Olga: What do you mean? Napoléon: I thought you were like Madame de Staël, Chateaubriand and Co. Madame de Staël! I hate clever women. She`s in exile and we are greatly relieved. Olga: This is not the best way to make me like you. Napoléon: I think you DO like me. Yet you`re afraid of losing your so called honour since you`ve got nothing more. If you`d spent a night with me, you would have lost the right to raise your pretty little head and express your enthusiastic silly thoughts. Olga: Aren`t you too self-confident? I don`t like you. I admire Madame de Staël who is a great woman. Napoléon: May I help you to take off your dress? Olga: What? From 00:28:17 to 00:29:04 Napoléon: I`ve just asked if I can help you to take off your dress. The women are used to take off their dresses themselves, but you seem so nervous. It means you`ll have to spend too much time to unbutton your clothes. Can I help you? Olga: Don`t approach me. Napoléon: I hope I won`t have to use the force.
Once discussing a certain loser Napoléon let drop that if that guy had had fallen on his back he would have broken his nose. His own luck, however, didn`t spread beyond the boundaries of Europe. So did Hitler`s luck. Russia, probably, is under the Dome.
So is Spain. Before his entry into Spain Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord tried to dissuade Napoléon. But Napoléon said that that war with Spain would be a mere breakfast for him. The diplomat oracularly warned the Emperor: `I am afraid that this time Your Majesty will have to spend too much time at table!`
On the whole Napoléon was not spiteful, mean or evil as well as that general wasn`t well-bred, in general. Once one of the French duchesses was asked by him in public: `Do you still love men as earlier?` She answered: `Yes, Sire! But I only love well-bred men!` Women`s refusals insulted him. It woke up his vindictiveness. Enough to remember poor Juliette Récamier. The Episode with Olga, the Russian Lady who came in Paris from her estate, was `inspired` by Madame Récamier`s misadventures. She also refused Napoléon. Mentioning Madame de Staël only proves this guess of mine.
Once artist Antoine-Jean Gros who met Napoléon in Milan expressed his wish to paint his portrait in oils but Bonaparte gave up the idea. `Little time, besides I can`t pose, since it`s hard to me to freeze even for a short time`. The way out was found by Joséphine de Beauharnais. She reclined in the armchair and had Napoléon in her lap. This is how the portrait was painted. Oh, those women! They are the best means to make the impossible possible! Movers of progress! That`s what all of them are! If I`m wrong, then, well, you know what to do ...!
NAPOLEON AND HITLER: SYMMETRY OF THE HISTORY
Napoléon was born in 1760, Hitler - in 1889. Difference makes up 129 years.
Napoléon usurped the state power in 1804. Hitler came to power in 1933. Difference makes up 129 years.
Napoléon entered Vienna in 1812. Hitler entered Vienna in 1941. Difference makes up 129 years.
Napoléon was defeated in 1816. Hitler was defeated in 1945. Difference makes up 129 years.
Both came to power when they were 44 years old.
Both invaded Russia when they were 52 years old.
Both were defeated in the age of 56 years.
GEE! WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THOSE `CO-INCIDENCES`? מְנֵא מְנֵא תְּקֵל וּפַרְסִין Meneh, meneh, tekel, upharsin the future is predetermined IMMINENCE Aren`t we all actors, mes cheres amis?
The last soldier of the Grande Armee Jean-Baptiste-Nicolas de Savin was born as Frenchman in 1768 in France and died as Russian man Nikolai Andreyevich Savin in 1894. His life lasted 126 years! He fought in Egypt, Syria, Spain (Saragossa) and Russia (Moskowa). He was a lieutenant of the 2e Regiment de hussards, then he served in the troops led by Michel Ney, Count of Moskowa. He was wounded in the Borodino battle, captured on the very Russian borderline in notorius Berezina and became a prisoner of war.
Jean-Baptiste-Nicolas de Savin, aka Nikolai Andreyevich Savin
All of a sudden, despite a decree on repatriation, he accepted the Russian citizenship and he had been a college teacher of French in Saratov in Russia for 82 years. The Russian loved him very much. Several thousands of the French, Germans, Spaniards and other nationals participated in the Napoleonic campaign stayed in Russia voluntarily and forever. Do you know what means family name of Masherov? Mon cher! So that's that!
THE ONLINE BEDLAM ILLUSTRATED - FUNNY STORIES, POEMS, SONGS AND WISE BUT SILLY MAXIMS
PEACE OF ARSE
Лицо спросило как-то жопу:
«Скажи мне, милая, как так,
Что ты румяна и упруга,
Я ж вся в морщинах и слезах»!
В ответ ей жопа: «Понимаешь,
Секрет простой, чего скрывать?
Ты вечно всё переживаешь,
А мне всегда на всё насрать!»
Αφροδίτη Καλλίπυγος Aphrodite Kallipygos
A human`s face once asked his arsehole;
`Tell me, my dear, how come
Are you so rosy and elastic
While I`m a wrinked, flabby one?
The arsehole wasn`t slow to answer,
`There`s no secret, understand!
You take all hard, you always suffer
While I just shit and don`t care`. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
PET SHOP BOY
Сперва жена моя сбежала,
Потом собака и коты...
Сейчас смотрю, как трудно рыбкам
Аквариум толкать к двери...
First my sweetheart dragged ass,
Then dog of mine and cat of mine …
Now I see that my aquarium
Is being pushed forward from inside. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
VOICE IN CHOICE
Если девушка свободна,
Если девушка красива,
Если девушка со вкусом,
Если девушка умна...
Суетится бесполезно -
Выбор сделает она!
If a girl has got no partner
If she`s pretty,
Is of taste,
If she`s smart and has a voice …
Do not diddle,
Cuz it`s useless,
It is her who takes her choice. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
GIRLS MUST GET STRAP FOR THAT
While dancing with lieutenant Rzewski Natasha Rostova asked,
-My lieutenant, why are your shoulder straps so filthy? Rzewski(shaking dirt off his collar with disgust): I`m sorry, but the girls by some reason never wash their legs.
Lieutenant Alexandre Rzewski (actor Yuri Yakovlev) with his sister-officer cornet Alexandra Azarova (Actress Liudmila Golubkina), the woman hussar (a frame from the Russian picture `The Hussar Ballad` (1962))
SWEAT SOCKS& SWAPPING
Once lieutenant Rzewski guessed to dry his socks. He put them on his bed-rail in the barrack and was awaken in the night by cornet Obolensky who was shaking his shoulder.
-Lieutenant, do you change your socks?
-Yes, I do. Exclusively for vodka.
Naïve realism
WHEN HIGH IS LOW
Notes in Pierre Bezukhoff`s Diary: 15 August Saw Natasha Rostova for the first time … 18 August Danced with Natasha for the first time … 20 August Kissed on Natasha`s lips for the first time .. it put her to the blush, she clenched her knees and broke my spectacles.
NEVER COME TO-TO-TO-TOGETHER!
To live two together means to solve together problems which would have never been if you had never lived two together. THE NAPPY TIME
`Got into not his flat. Ransacks everywhere!` A thief turned his head back and saw a parrot. He smiled and went on with his robbing. But the quiet voice behind his back warned: `Leo (Pete) and Mona (Angeline) are looking at you … `. (The thief to the parrot) I don`t care! Big deal! Must I be scared? Parrot: Firstly nice to meet you. My name is Nappy. Thief: What a strange name for a parrot! Parrot: Leo (Pete) and Mona (Angeline) are also strange names for the Dobermanns, yet they are watching you!
Jolly Pete and Brad the Angel
MODERN TIMES
Today people are praised for their acting like people.
NO NEW
A hubby comes back and finds at home his naked wife in bed with her lover. Wife: Well, well, well! Again gonna be all those ridiculous hints, reproaches and suspicions!
DISCOVERY CHANNEL
Once a cornet asked lieutenant Rzewski:
-Explain me why the ladies` gloves sometimes have got a slit?
-To kiss ladies` hands without a need in having them taken off!
-Oh! Now I seem to understand what the vent in the back of the colonel`s uniform is for.
PURE HORSE POWER
Lieutenant Rzewski ran out to the porch, flung himself into the saddle and set off at a gallop. Two miles away he looked dowdwards to discover that there were no horse between his legs. `What for fucking lift force?`, murmured lieutenant and galloped back.
LIKE FARTHER LIKE SON
A didactic father is moralizing on his bad-for-nothing son:
-Napoleon was the first in his class at your age!
-So what? He was the Emperor of France and King of Italy at your age!
Do go to bed! Enough of those funny stories!
YOU`VE GUESSED WRONG!
A man ended up in the mental asylum.
He is asked by the other patients in the ward:
-What`s your specialization?
-Napoleon.
-Nothing special. There are a lot of Nappies here.
-You didn`t undestand, gentlemen. I`m a cake.
THE TIME MACHINE LIQUOR
-Yesterday I mixed cognac `Napoleon` with brandy `Koutouzoff`!
-And what?
-Today I feel like bearing the brunt of the Borodino battle and Moscow fire at once.
Manneken Pis (Little Man Pee) (a naked little boy urinating into a fountain's basin) by Hiëronymus Duquesnoy the Elder (1618-1619).
TRAVELLING EXHIBIT
Не тратьте деньги на вояж в Брюссель
На место уберите чемоданчик:
К нам собственной персоной
Каждый день
В подъезд приходит писающий мальчик.
Dressed little Leo drawing Mona Lisa with his urine! His usual trick!
Don`t spend your money for your Brussels voyage
Place back your trunks and reckon it no foil,
`Cuz there comes in our entrance evey hour
In average
In person that very famous urinating boy.` (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
THE UNACCOUNTant*ABLE SUNDRIES, OR A COCKTAIL SYMPHONY PARTY
*a small insect, often with Sting, that usually lives in a complex society led by HM Queen
COCKTAIL #1 - KROKODILA (ALL ABOUT A BIG FEMALE GODZILLA)
The below following jocular song `Krokodila, or a big female godzilla (ゴジラ)` has been very famous in Russia since the first decade of the 20 c. The song as a text, lyrics appeared in 1914-1920 in Russia and as well as its music was popular until the beginning of the WW2. After the war it was mainly used as a musical illustration in the feature films depicting the end of old and and birth of new, revolutionary Russia. The author of lyrics is unknown. Presumably, the text was formed in the 18 c. The industrial workers of Sarapul sang the familiar text to an unknown tune about their colleagues from Izhevsk.
The latter ones wore green caftans, long almost to foot, with yellow cuffs, black hats and canes and it made them look like the crocodiles. They were nicknamed `crocodiles` for that reason!
Lev Tchernetsky
However, the melody of the song was composed, performed and published as a score and recorded as a disc for the first time as a Russian military march (!) in Russian city Odessa in 1910. The title of the march was `Days of our life` («Дни нашей жизни») and the author was Lev Isaacovich Tchernetsky (Cierniecki), the bandmaster of the 15th Infantry Regiment (its commander that time (11.12.1908-1.06.1911) was Vladimir-Karl Sigizmundovich Weil).
The cover of clavier of Lev Tchernetsky`s march `Days of our life`
The regiment was accommodated in Russian city Odessa. The score of the march was published by merchant Lev Josepher. It was dedicated by the composer to his sponsor, Russian merchant Nikolai Vasiliyevich Ptashnikov (The Ptashnikovs Trading House). Later the score was reprinted in Moscow by Publishing House of B. Andrzejewski. The multiple additional issues were made in time of the WW1. Until 1917 the melody of the march would accomany dispatches of the Russian troop trains towards the frontline. Then it woke exclusively patriotic sentiments.
Later in the same year there was made another record of the march performed by a military brass band of the 1st Sumsky Hussar Regiment (conductor August Karlovich Markwardt)
as the official march of the 129 Bessarabia Infantry Regiment:
There`s no word of `krokodila`in standard Russian, it was the author`s occasional neologism just to correspond to the readily available melody. There`s the word `krokodil` (a crocodile). As to a comic word of `krokodila` it means `a female crocodile`.
KROKODILA, OR A BIG FEMALE GODZILLA
ПО УЛИЦАМ ХОДИЛА БОЛЬШАЯ КРОКОДИЛА По улицам ходила //Большая крокодила. //Она, она зелёная была.
Во рту она держала//Кусочек одеяла.//И думала она, что это ветчина.
Увидела верзилу//И цап его за рылу.//Она, она зелёная была.
Увидела торговку -//И хвать у ней морковку.//Она, она зелёная была.
Увидела француза -//И хвать его за пузо.//Она, она зелёная была.
Увидела китайца//И хвать его за яйца.//Она, она зелёная была.
Увидела курсистску//И хвать ее за сиську!//Она, она зелёная была.
Увидела япошку -//И хвать его за ножку.//Она, она зелёная была.
A big female godzilla
Would walk among the villas.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She held a piece of blanket
Between her teeth like mongrels
She thought, she thought it had been sort of pork!
She met a real strapper
And grabbed him by his napper.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She met a market woman
And snatched the woman`s beetroot,
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She met by chance a Frenchman
And filled her belly greatly.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She met a guy from China,
And ate his balls at supper.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She met a girl, a student,
Snapped at her tits quite rudely.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
She met a Japanese man
And made of him a phantom.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass! (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Another version of the lyrics reads as follows: По улице ходила большая крокодила.//Она, она зеленая была.
А рядом с ней ходила другая крокодила.//Она, она вертлявая была.
Другая крокодила кривлялась и вопила.//Она, она шумливая была.
Мороженых по тазу они съедали сразу.//Они, они зелёные были.
Большая крокодила степенно так ходила.//Она, она солидная была.
Чтоб чадо не сбежало, его за хвост держала.//Она, она ученая была.
За что же крокодила второго так любила?//За то, что был он просто крокодил?!//
Ей с ним жилось несладко. Не для меня загадка!//Я не скажу.//Я с ними не ходил.
A big female godzilla
Would walk among the villas.
She was, she was, she was as green as grass!
Another small godzilla
Would walk among the villas.
He had, he had, he had quicksilver in his veins!
The second small godzilla
Made faces, screamed a great deal.
He was, he was, he was a chatter-box!
They both could at a heat
Eat up tons of ice cream.
They were, they were, they were as green as grass!
A big female godzilla
Played an imposing diva.
She stalked along and held her head up, o!
Lest the other should get lost once
She held on to his tale, guys!
She was, she was trained as a learned lord.
For what did the godzilla love him, I`ve no idea.
It`s likely for his being a crocodile.
She lived with him not gaily. Beyond my understanding!
I`ve got no explanation.
I wasn`t in touch with them. (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The melody of the song was being used by some composers in their symphonic music as a part of the city folklore, and this practice of the 30s was once mocked in the comedy `Anton Ivanovich is getting angry!`(1941).
Housemaid: Jadwiga Valentinovna, that composer walked in to you. Mistress: Haven`t you noticed, Yasha, that he always appeares either before breakfast or lunch. (To composer): Entre! Kerosinoff, I told you many times you must take off your coat in the entrance hall. Well, have you fetched the score? Kerosinoff: Yes, but ... Mistress: But me no buts! Gimme it! Kerosinoff: Here it is! You promised an advance pay! Mistress: Show it to me first. Kerosinoff: Only in my hands! That`s what you asked me. The three minutes number with dances. Your audience gonna scream and cry! Mistress: Gimme it. Gimme ... Kerosinoff: One hundred rubles first. Mistress: I must play it first. Kerosinoff: After that you gonna pay me three hundreds. I know you don`t like to open up your purse! Mistress: What? You don`t trust me! Husband: Relax, Yanochka! Kerosinoff: I`ve known you for ages. Every time you have to pay me you start sobbing. Mistress: What if 50 rubles? Husband: It`s not polite. After all, he is a composer. Mistress: I am versus the whole world. (Reading the lyrics):
`Dear Nadya! Just remember//Joy of our first dating.//It was, it was, it was exciting as some wine`.
It sounds lovely! Husband: Right you are! Mistress: (after performing): What`s this? This is but ... (together with her husband) `A big female godzilla//Would walk among the villas. //She was, she was, she was as green as grass!` Mistress: What`s this? Husband: You`d have simply written: `She held a piece of blanket//Between her teeth like mongrels...`. Kerosinoff: What piece... what piece of blanket? Who? Dear Nadya? Husband: Kerosinoff! You know on which side your bread is buttered! It`s a borrowing! Mistress: A borrowing? It`s a plagiarism! He`s simply stolen the music! Kerosinoff: Philistines! Have you evere heard the word of `folklore`? A composer has right to use the songs` music interpreting it in his work of art! Husband: You`ll have to repeat it in the Copyright Comittee! Mistress: Money back! Kerosinoff: Well, I`ll correct it. Only a couple of bars! Your audience gonna scream and cry! Mistress: A pair of bars ain`t enough! Artyom! You should change everything!
Now `Krokodila, or a big female godzilla` seems mostly considered to be the «youngsters»` song though there was a time when it was regarded as `a vulgar street tune that emerged in the dark pre-revolutionary period in the lumpen social environment and discredited the Lev Tchernetsky`s beautiful march `Days of our life`. On the other hand, a critic admitted for justice` sake that the song was being sung to its music by anyone who will before and after revolution. («По улице ходила большая крокодила» - вульгарная уличная песенка, возникшая в смутное предреволюционное время в люмпенской среде и опошлившая красивый марш Льва Чернецкого «Дни нашей жизни», на музыку которого ее распевали до и после революции все, кому не лень»).
In time of the Russian revolution and Civil war `Krokodila, or a big female godzilla` used to have been one of the most popular anthems of the Russian anarchists. It`s improbable but the White Army ofiicer`s march was re-recorded in the Soviet time:
It was very curious for me to get to know as well that this march was still being used as a melody for the Left and Socialist rallies and meetings in Finland which was a part of the Russian Empire before the revolution of 1917.
The Tchernetsky march was so popular in Old Russia that famous Russian writer and playwright Leonid Andreyev, a close friend of Maxim Gorky, had entitled one of his plays `The days of our life` and insisted on the use of the melody in the performance of the Moscow Aritistic theatre. But on the cover of the pamphlet that you can see below the cart was put before the horse. The march `The days of our life` arranged for a mandolin and violin was presented to public as music allegedly specially composed for the Leonid Andreyev`s play to ... the old tunes of the Burschenschafts` (students` fraternities`) songs. Pure fiction! Rather irresponsible!
Leonid Andreyev`s play `The days of our life`
As a result many historians of art later made up their minds that that march had been composed and performed first in the theatre. Of course, they were wrong.
Some experts suppose that Tchernetsky used the original folk melody. This time they could be either wrong or right. If they could be right, then Tchernetsky would be a follower of Kerosinoff. But there`s no evidence of that. Besides before and after `The days of our life` he composed many first-rated marches.
March `Iron marksman` («Железный стрелок») by Lev Tchernetsky Jr. Band of 15th Infantry His Majesty King of Montenegro Regiment, conductor Leo Tchernetsky Jr., recorded on the 9.12.1912. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRc4Klj6HDU
And, of course, Lev Tchernetsky had also nothing to do with another Russian Jewish composer of the military marches Semyon Alexandrovich Tchernetsky (1881—1950).
Semyon Tchernetsky, young and old, before and after revolution
Both persons originated from Russian city of Odessa of the 80s of the 19 c., in the days of revolution the first one remained faithful to the White Army while the second one joined the Red Army and made a smashing career as a composer of marches and conductor of the leading Red Army military orchestra. Semyon retired as a Major General and Chief Inspector of the Red Army brass bands and orchestras. Before and after the Russian revolution he composed more than 100 military marches. As to Lev Tchernetsky he emigrated to France and conducted a brass band of the Russian disabled war veterans. O life! Your name is injustice!
But even all beautiful marches by Semyon Tchernetsky failed to excel in Russia in popularity and `evergreenness` the march by Lev Tchernetsky which I am used to call in a humorous manner `The Crocodile March`.
Like Elton John`s `Crocodile Rock`, the score and discs of the `Crocodile March` had got a tremendous circulation, ten thousands of copies! Wow! It was a real record for that time!
COCKTAIL #2 – IRON MARKSMAN (THE PRUSSIAN RUSSIAN AND RUSSIAN PRUSSIAN)
The Russian and Soviet military music has been firmly based on the Prussian and Austrian school and traditions.
He originated from the Dagestani Laki tribe. His family name sounds in the Turkic way. Besides the word of `khalil` means `a trumpet`in Arabic and `a flute` in ivrit.
March `Kant` (`Immanuel Kant`). Composed and conducted by Lieutenant General Valeriy Mikhailovich Khalilov. Central military band of the Russia`s Ministry of Defence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe1emxlaHH0
In the past the Prussian and Russian Armies sometimes exchanged their marches, especially when one of the German princesses married a person of the Russian Royal family.
Sometimes the Life-Guards Regiments were named after the cities of Russia and Prussia. Such regiments used to have got so called `reciprocal` marches like this one, for example:
Oh yeah! The Russian Army would use classical music for their official marches, much rarer they used folk lore for that purposes.
Mozart, Mendelssohn, Schumann
It was rather smashing for me to discover that sometimes the Russian used the wedding music and operatic arias for their marches! Do you remember this?
Mozart from the motion picture `Amadeus` finishes his variations with his aria «Non piu andrai» from real Mozart`s opera «Le nozze di Figaro» about a young curly boy, Adonis in love. And now just listen to the official march of the 11-th Grenadier Phanagorsky Count of Rymnik, Prince of Italy, Count of the Holy Roman Empire, Generalissimus Prince Suvorov Regiment.
We all know that classical melody by composer Jakob Ludwig Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy who composed it for Shakespeare`s `A Midsummer Night's Dream` in 1842. This piece is used in many countries as the wedding march (in Russia too).
Robert Schumann`s `Traumerai` (`Dreams`) accompany Russian V-Day military ceremony of silence minute.
That march contains Trio with variations from the `Lucile`, the comic opera by A. E. Grétry. The march was performed in arrangement of Anton Dörfeldt Sr.
François Adrien Boieldieu, André-Ernest-Modeste Grétry
As to the use of folklore in the Russian military music, the most brilliant example of that practice is the Cavalry Trot-march by Semyon Tchernetsky:
Trot-march/Trabmarsch by Semyon Tchernetsky (In the picture Semyon Tchernetsky conducting the 1945 V-Day Red Army, Navy and Airforce Composite Orchestra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I_jjvsOKZ0
There was used a melody of the most beautiful song of Small Russia `Gandzia ` («Ґандзя »). Not gonna believe me, eh?! Then listen to that lovely Ukrainian love song. (By the way, Ґандзя is Ukrainian girl`s name, the words are respective: `Gandzia`s my fish, Gandzia`s my bird`, etc.):
Gandzia (Ґандзя) - Ukrainian folk song. Sung in the Ukrainian dialect of the Russian language by Ludmila Podvigina from Voronezh City, Russia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyZxPSj_7yw
Well, well, well! What`s your favourite Russian militay march? (You might ask me that question). Personally I prefer the Navy, so my favourite Russian Navy march is `The Hero`:
Returning to the march and song `Krokodila` I cannot but have to state that the history is likely to really repeat as much as twice, first time as a drama or even tragedy, the second time as a farce. (Great German philosopher Hegel: `Geschichte sich wiederholt, einmal als Tragödie und einmal als Farce.`) A comic sketch with songs! I can`t help it, ladies and gentlemen! Variety is the mother of enjoyment. And enjoyment, entertainment is the very heart of the art! If I`m wrong just hug me! (As to Mr. Hegel he is deeply respected in the Universe as a man of wisdom of all times and worlds in our galaxy. Ask your familiar extraterrestrials!)
Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831)
Last but not least, moreover playful and frivolous Russian military march by Valeriy Khalilov entitled `Rainbow`. It has been conducted by no less lovely and playful conductor Andrei Kolotushkin:
You see, the Russian Ministry of Defence is kidding too!
COCKTAIL #4 – HOLIDAY ROMANCE (A LYRICAL DIGRESSION IN RUSSIAN BY AN INDONESIAN)
The Russian lyrical, romantic, a little bit jazzy song `Why my heart is so agitated now?` sung by Raimond Pardamean from Indonesia at the recital of the students of the Russian Language Faculty of the Peoples’ Friendship University in Moscow in 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WBFuR70N7Ig
Music Tikhon Khrennikov
Lyrics Mikhail Matusovsky WHY MY HEART IS SO AGITATED NOW?
Что так сердце, что так сердце
Растревожено?
Словно ветром тронуло струну...
О любви немало песен сложено,
Я спою тебе, спою ещё одну.
О любви немало песен сложено,
Я спою тебе, спою ещё одну.
Tikhon Krennikov and Mikhail Matusovsky
Why my heart, my heart is so agitated
Now?
As if a string has just been touched by wind …
The are many songs composed about love, of course,
Yet I`m going to sing one more to thee!
The are many songs composed about love, of course,
Yet I`m going to sing one more to thee!
По дорожкам,
Где не раз ходили оба мы,
Я брожу, мечтая и любя.
Даже солнце светит по-особому
С той минуты, как увидел я тебя.
Даже солнце светит по-особому
С той минуты, как увидел я тебя.
It`s along the alleys
Where not once we walked all night
That I walk alone in dreams and love.
Even the Sun`s been shining not as usual
Since I fell in love with you, just at first sight.
Even the Sun`s been shining not as usual
Since I fell in love with you, just at first sight.
Все преграды я могу
Пройти без робости,
В спор вступлю с невзгодою любой.
Укажи мне только лишь на глобусе
Место скорого свидания с тобой.
Укажи мне только лишь на глобусе
Место скорого свидания с тобой.
All the obstacles I can surmount
Gallantly,
Give a dare to an adversity I`ll face.
Let me only know a point on globe, my love,
Where there`s to be soon our new date.
Let me only know a point on globe, my love,
Where there `s to be soon our new date.
Через годы я пройду
Дорогой смелою,
Поднимусь на крыльях в синеву.
И отныне всё, что я ни сделаю,
Светлым именем твоим я назову.
И отныне всё, что я ни сделаю,
Светлым именем твоим я назову.
No matter for how long
I`ll have been bravely going.
I`ll have soared up to the blue of skies.
And since now whatever has been done by me
I shall have named after you to prove my love.
And since now whatever has been done by me
I shall have named after you to prove my love.
Посажу я на земле сады весенние,
Зашумят они по всей стране,
А когда придёт пора цветения,
Пусть они тебе расскажут обо мне.
А когда придёт пора цветения,
Пусть они тебе расскажут обо мне.
I shall grow the cherry orchards universally,
They will murmur all around the world.
When in spring they`re in blossom tenderly
They might tell you all about my true love.
When in spring they`re in blossom tenderly
They might tell you all about my true love. (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
COCKTAIL #5 – THE MEANING OF LIFE (= CLIPPING COUPONS AND TELLING JOKES!)
Now I wanna present you another humorous song by Semyon Slepakov about the Russian transnational corporation `Gazprom`. Strictly speaking, it`s not a song about the Gazprom, since it`s but a variable quantity and can be easily replaced with the ExxonMobile, Royal Dutch Shell, BP, Total, Sinopec, Kogas, etc. Every country has got its own Gazprom. Therefore this song is about an ordinary person dreaming of the dolce vita and deliverance of the damn material problems! Me too dreams of clipping coupons! It`s a dream of my life too! Nothing human is alien to me! So I join Semyon`s appeal too! Well done, Sam!
Music and Lyrics by Semyon Slepakov THE APPEAL TO SHAREHOLDERS
Dear shareholders of the Gazprom
Nice to meet you, I`m Semyon Slepakov.
Aka plainly Semyon for my friends.
Or be free to use any other appropriate names.
Viktor, Gennadiy, Fantozzi, Dita von Teese
So long as you always feel good and at ease.
That`s all. Now gonna pass from words to deeds
To tell you about my problems and needs.
Fantozzi and Dita von Teese
In brief, in a way the cookie crumbles,
I am sick and tired of my work for nothing.
You`re likely to lend your attentive ears to me,
You`re well situated to appreciate my appeal.
Thus, not beating about the bush,
I watched on TV your commercial, whoosh!
Its message carries conviction like everyone`s doom:
`It`s the Gazprom that helps make your dreams come true!`
The Gazprom`s used to fulfill its obligations
As a matter of fact, you serve as the best confirmation.
I can tell from the look of your respectable faces
Your dreams have already come true, gents and ladies.
In general, I am impressed by your great successes,
I`d be honoured to join the Gazprom shares` possessors.
What harm could it do? No astronomical sum I`d get!
I agree to afford the symbolic amount of just one percent!
One percent! It means almost nothing!
An insignificance! A nine-figure trifle!
You`ll hardly notice such a small vent
While my finances have a nasty dent!
Oldman, soldier and forger
Refrain:
I don`t want to be a moulder,
I don`t want to be a folder,
I just want to be a holder
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom.
I don`t want to be a soldier,
I don`t want to be a forger,
I just want to be a holder
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom.
I promise to act like a true gentilhomme,
That is like a humble rank-and-file of the Gazprom.
Not gonna like crazy throw money around,
But throw it charily lest I should stand out!
I wanna buy genuine Swiss for my wrist
Lest I should stand out among my colleagues!
Eighteen carat gold, maybe, fifteen choice diamonds,
Or else I am a freak in the Gazprom environment.
Mercedes S-class
I`ll have to buy the small Mercedes S-class
To look like a genuine gazpromman at once!
Not the Maibach or even not that IMG,
`Cuz I must be modest, Jack shall have his Jill!
Besides, I must purchase three mansions in London
To stick to the corporate practice as the add-ons.
I guess that two mansions for me is a limit,
But what can I do?! It is our team spirit!
Maibach and IMG
The Bentley, my wife`s, red`n`blue from inside,
Such cars are presented to wives by your guards.
Her diamond ring, twenty carat at least,
She no longer wants to be a parvenu freak.
The Ferrrari, my son`s, he`s seventeen,
To be a white crow is not his life dream.
Ocean yacht is for me, she`s thirty metres long,
So as not to remain all alone.
Madonna and Britney Spears
Following your unpretentious caprice
I gonna celebrate my birthday in Nice.
I`d like to invite Brittney Spears and Madonna
Not to feel superior to the crowd of our `Gazprom.`
Mansion, Yacht and Ferrari
Refrain:
I don`t want to be a millionaire,
I don`t want to be a billionaire,
I just want to be a stockholding member
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom.
I don`t want to be a mayor,
I don`t want to be the President and Premier,
I just want to be a stockholding member
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom.
Bentley, just Bentley
Dear, dearly loved shareholders,
I ask you to issue a prompt order
To make me a shareholder of record
Of your magic joint-stock corp. forever!
Though it sounds quite unexpectedly
I`d like to have my application considered favourably.
Besides, though it`s our common gas,
Dreams never come true for the rank and file mass.
Isle of Redonda, anaconda and condor
Refrain:
I don`t want to be less older,
I don`t want to be an anaconda,
I just want to be a holder
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom.
I don`t want to go to Redonda,
I don`t want to be a condor,
I just want to be a holder
Of the Joint-Stock Corp. Gazprom. (Andrew Alexandre Owie)
BRITISH TO THE BONE
A British Lord spent some time as a maroon on a deserted island after a shipwreck. When discovered there were found three huts built by him. The foreign sailors who saved him were perplexed as they could not understand why he had three houses being quite alone on the island. He eagerly explained,
-The first is my own mansion, the second house is my club and the third one is the club that I kept ignoring.
THE WRONG DRIVE-THROUGH
A gentleman is sitting in the hall and reading The Times. Suddenly one of the walls has fallen down and a car has stopped just several feet from him. Being deflected from his reading the gentleman inquired:
-If I may ask, are you in haste, Sir? Where to?
-To Picadilly, Sir!
-You should have cut across the kitchen, Sir!
NO MAN IS A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTRY
According to the White House, the lyrics of the state anthem of Russia was written in 1968 by the Beatles and entitled `Back in the USSR`.
IT DEPENDS, OR FLEXIBLE ROSA
In Odessa: `Rosa Iosifovna, how old are you?`
-I don`t know exactly. It varies every year.
A teacher`s comment in a Russian pupil's school record book: `Critisized the suit in the study of English!`
THRILL-SEEKERS, IRONICALLY
Fire caught a store of the fire extinguishers gathered a crowd of lovers of the biting irony.
A teacher`s comment in a Russian pupil's school record book: Asked the teacher to have his cigarette lit!
VILLAGE VICE SQUAD
Time to close down that brothel, said an old woman. And set her hayloft on fire!
KNOWING FROM EXPERIENCE
A customer of a brothel has got his woman. A few minutes later she runs out of the room screaming `Awesome! Awesome!`
The brothelkeeper sends the most experienced woman to the unusual customer. A few minutes later she walks out of the room yawning and stretching herself: `Really awesome! But not AWESOME!!! AWESOME!!!`
The Russian graffiti: `My thanks to Venuses for the sweet nights!`
PhD – PUSSY HEART DOCTOR
A curious thesis has been defended recenly. Its title reads `Toasts jumping out of toasters as a cause of the feline cardiac infarction`.
A riddle: To press from the front you`ll have to first kiss from the rear! What is it, eh? (Postage stamp)
IN THE NATURE OF THINGS
The most popular evergreen saying in the Russian Army in the form of a riddle reads:
-Can a son of a general become a field-marshal? The answer is: `No! Cuz a field-marshal has got his own son!`
SKILL-SHARING
Last winter an American rang up his Russian friend and asked:
-Ivan, we`ve got minus fourty degree centigrade. I am to freeze to death!What do you do in such cases in your Siberia?
The answer was: `Men drink beer, children eat ice cream!`
PC POWER Wikipеdiа: I know all! Googlе: I can find all! FaceBook: I`ve known all! Intеrnеt: Who are you without me? Electric Power: Shut up, you freaks!
Which one is more genuine?
CLASS, THAT ANIMAL CAN REALY BURN TYRES!
A female biology teacher spent several lessons to persuade the pupils that Jaguar is an animal.
Cherubs of new time
FROM THE BABY TIPS
A phrase `Daddy, you`re good` deserves a toy pistol, a phrase `Daddy, I want to be as clever as you!` may mean an iPad at the least!
WORKERS AND HOLDERS
Men can be divided into two types, those who can lift the fridge to the last floor and those who can pay for it.
`Masters of Sex`, the U.S. TV series with British actor Michael Sheen! Haven`t you watched it yet? You might have lost a lot!
ARCANA OF SEX
Dr. Masters:
-Your problem?
-Women refuse to sleep with me.
The patient starts sobbing. Doc Masters addresses Virginia Johnson:
-Will you refuse to give him a glass of water?
-Yes, I will.
THE BEST PAST
- I can`t imagine the way of life people had got before emergence of the PCs! Yawn and suck at once! That`s what I think!
-Yes, of course. Only dancing balls, falconry, hounds, palace revolutions, fairs, duels, salons, pianos, harps and what not!
Entrance of Emperor Alexander I and Empress Elizaveta Alexeyevna (born Louise Marie Auguste von Baden). They open the ball with Polonaise Gilbert Estrada: `This is lovely. No one makes movies like this today. Bravo!` As to me I`d like to paraphrase these words and say: `No one can move like they do today! So mildly and gracefully!`http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjprn_6zRAM
A CONSENSUS
-Comrade Stalin, we`ve found your look-alike! What to do?
-Destroy him!
-What if to make him only shave off his moustaches?
-Good! Shave off his moustaches and destroy!
E=mc2 of love, or how to be Einstein in love!
SEX TERRORIST, OR SYLVANA
A man in the forest met an old woman with arms at the ready.
-Lady, why do you need the arms?
-What if you gonna rape me, eh?
-Good God, no!
-But you`ll have to, Sir! You`ll have to! You`ve got no option!
PUSSY THE KEISER IN CHINA
In a china shop: `I gonna have that china pussy cat!`
-It`s not a pussy cat but Keiser Wilhelm!
-Really? Then I gonna have a couple!
JERRY REVISITED
The Russian couple comes to the USA. A wife`s noticed a mouse in the suite and rung up the reception:
-Hi there! Have you known Tom and Jerry?
-Yes, I have! What`s the matter?
-I gonna inform you that Jerry is here!
COCKTAIL #6 – BISMARCK (POLITICS IS THE ART OF THE POSSIBE)
(In Ukrainian): All to the struggle with Russia!
Сonclude alliances with anyone, launch any war but never touch Russia! Otto von Bismarck
Beauty and the Feast: Mona Lisa feasting her eyes on Russian hero, field-marshal Koutouzoff who had many feats of arms and who was a holder of the Cross of St. George. Now she`s a volunteer with the Confederate guerrillas, now she`s a shareholder of a transnational company. She`s always on the right side. Justice, peace, money, art. A Renaissance woman and true follower of Lord Byron.
A CREATIVE PERSON ALWAYS CONFRONTS THE WALLS HE OR SHE HAS TO BREAK ANEW
Cumberwatch
CHERCHEZ LA FEMME À LA RUSSE, OR KEEPING `BATCH` WITHOUT CUMBERS
Semyon Sergeyevich Slepakov (born 1979, in Pyatigorsk) slepakov.com is a Russian producer, script writer, comedian, author and performer of his own comic songs. Now he`s exteremely famous in Russia. He graduated from a faculty of the French language in Pyatigorsk (his mother was a teacher of French), Southern Russia, and at the same time was also educated as a businessman.
His comic songs are both intriguing and shocking, satiric and anacreontic, sexy and lyrical and very, very popular. The author is not afraid of the unexpected metaphors and even of the unprintable words to some extent and mostly describes scenes of the real life of nowadays Russia. He`s been performing his songs as a guest star of the ultrasuper popular Russian TV Show «Comedy Club» for the young since 2010.
Semyon Slepakov`s profession de foi seems to be `a creative person always confronts the wall he or she has to break anew`.
Semyon was a permanent author of the excusively popular and risky satiric TV show `Our Russia` and when they decided to quit show he was asked by a reporter:
-Don`t you feel yourself as Conan Doyle killing his Sherlock Holmes?
The answer was very unpredictable: `But we haven`t killed our heroes. They go on living on the planets they had existed on before the show. We have just stopped our broadcasting from those planets. If we need them again, we`ll get them back. … The characters of our show were neither mean nor kind, they were simply real, social and up-to-date`.
The reporter asked if there were some restrictions, self-censure in the Slepakov and Co.`s TV Shows and Slepakov`s comic songs. Semyon replied: `There are. Russia is a country not ready yet for any type and level of humour. We are not as cynical as our British and American colleagues are. Our audience is still more merciful, not ready to be hurt by cynicism and hopelessness. In our opnion, English humour mostly shows to people how miserable they are as a matter of fact`.
Semyon is 197 cm tall (almost two metres tall! Wow!). His weight varies within 90-105 kg.
Semyon Slepakov: `Humour reminds of fashion. Something goes out, something comes in and comes back`.
Semyon Slepakov was born in the family of the University instructors. He disliked his piano, but liked the guitar. His idols were the classical musicians of the Beatles and Rolling Stones. When at high school Semyon played the title part in the play ‘The Canterville Ghost’ by Oscar Wild. He was all wrapped up in the white bedsheet.
Semyon adores the French language and France.
He feels the regular stage fright. He`s afraid of forgetting the texts. According to his confession being not a professional singer and musician he feels a little bit uneasy and scary while performing in public.
He had a couple of albums issued in 2005 and 2012.
He married the girl called Karina. It was a love at first sight. She`s a lawyer.
Semyon collects guitars. He`s got eight different guitars.
He`s brave and shy, modest and he`s a man of decision. Gifted and cultured person. People love Semyon. He reminds of a big Russian bear though he`s a little bit a Jew. Russian.
Wait, wait, wait! Once there was noticed his family likeness to the Royal persons.
The same face: Johann Friedrich der Großmütige - John the Magnanimous (1503 - 1554) and Semyon Slepakov
And now there goes his song if you are ready for that!
WHERE TO GET A WOMAN
ГДЕ БЫ ВЗЯТЬ МНЕ БАБУ
Где бы взять мне бабу, бабу молодую
C бескорыстным сердцем, чуткою душой,
Тонким интеллектом, скромною натурой,
Добрыми глазами, да жопушкой большой?
Чтобы секс любила, но не очень долгий
Ну, минут так восемь, да и пять, порой.
Да, чтоб ей три минуты вечностью казались,
Да и двух хватало бабе бы с лихвой!
Where to get a woman, young and pretty woman
Who would`ve a generous soul, whose heart were very kind,
Who would be very modest, who would`ve a subtle intellect,
Eyes of rare beauty and a big plump butt.
That she`d love to have sex though not prolonged one,
Circa eight brief minutes, five minutes but sometimes,
That three minutes also would seem an age for that girl,
That a couple of minutes with a vengeance be enough.
Чтобы и минута ей была бы в радость,
Чтоб срывал бы крышу и секундный акт.
И, чтоб не знала баба про Восьмое марта,
Чтоб от бабы скрыли в детстве этот факт.
Чтоб была у бабы мама космонавтом,
Чтобы раз в полгода приходил сигнал.
Чтоб у бабы папа был бы олигархом,
В Лондоне скрывался, но деньги присылал.
That a single minute would make her very happy,
That a second sex act would drive her really mad,
That she`d never know of the courting and attentions
And she hadn`t been told yet about Mother's Day.
That the girl`s dear mother would be a great pilot
Who`d interrogate her half-yearly out of space.
That the girl`s dear father`d be a tycoon in London,
Though being in hiding would support her just in case.
Чтоб были у ней груди пятого размера,
Чтоб всегда ей было девятнадцать лет.
И телефон у бабы чтобы был особый,
Чтоб я мог звонить ей, а она мне нет,
А еще чтоб к бабе пульт бы прилагался,
Чтобы громкость бабы мог я убавлять,
И когда приходит баба от подруги,
Чтоб рассказ я бабий мог перемотать.
That her breasts`d be large-size like the watermelons
And she`d be forever nineteen years old,
That she would`ve her cellphone enabling me to call her
And she couldn`t ever call me back at all.
That she would`ve as a unit the remote controller
So that I`d turn her volume down at times,
Or after she would visit her friends, the other women,
It is her silly story that I`d rewind at once.
An ideal crime: Sweetheart, my hairdryer, please!
Чтобы парковалась баба как не баба,
А как очень старый, опытный таксист.
Чтоб была та баба родом из-за МКАДа,
Чтобы благодарна мне была всю жизнь.
Чтобы поощряла частые измены
И презервативы мне клала в пиджак,
И чтобы не любила крупные размеры
Или мне хотя бы говорила так.
That she could park autos as ladies are not used to,
As a taxi-driver who wasn`t born yesterday,
That she`d live alone in her own mansion
And be grateful always to me for every day,
That she would encourage my being a womanizer,
That she wouldn`t forget to put the condoms in my coat,
That she would dislike the men who have big sizes
Or be used to say to me while striking the right note:
Ох, где бы взять Семёну бабу молодую,
Чтоб его любила и всегда ждала.
Чтоб иметь бы бабу, именно, такую,
B чтоб об этой бабе не узнала бы жена!
Oh, where to get for Samuel the woman, young and pretty,
That would love him strongly, wait for him at night.
That he would have a woman that could make him happy
And that very woman wouldn`t be known by his wife. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
ODES TO CUMBERBATCH AND … PARTS OF CUMBERBATCH BY CUMBERBUTCHES AND CUMBERBITCHES
Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch (born 19 July 1976, in London) is in no want of introducing himself. Sherlock, just Sherlock though he refuses to reсognize that fact and points out to another Sherlock. It`s not me, it`s him!
It`s Sherlock! Another one!
The more Sherlocks the better! Russian Sherlock, American Sherlock and British Sherlock!
Lion`s Lock! I`d say curly lock! Surely!
But the newest British private, but semistate-owned detective can`t fool his fans all the time, they`ve known him for ages, and even his birthday has never been a top secret for them! Wow!
The author of this poem explained that she`d written it for Benedict's Birthday. Quotation:
`Much thanks goes out to these lovely ladies who put this whole Birthday Project together: Rachel - @Aristophrenic, Silvia - @MsSilT & Tor - @Cumberbuddy as well as Naomi at benedictcumberbatch.co.uk - Who's manning the fundraising for Myeloma UK!`
`I hope you don't take offense to this poem,
I wrote it in utter sincerity.
With it's main objective being,... hilarity.
Oh Benedict!
Your curly locks make girls lose their frocks
and if you were on Twitter, their hearts would be a pitter!
And your lips, they certainly do sink ships.
And those eyes, well they are so many souls demise...
Oh Benedict!
Your acting range is so immense!
Not to mention your fan base, which is intense.
Wether you play a goodie or a baddie,
it doesn't seem to matter- the world is your buffet platter!
Christopher Tietjens gave us many reasons to root for the underdog,
While Peter Guillam glided through Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy in a mysterious, grey, retro fog.
Your Vincent Van Gogh was so vivid and true
and James from Third Star gutted us, through and through.
Your Patrick Watts was played with nerdy charm and wit,
so he didn't come off as a snobbish jumper-clad git.
Your Sherlock is the best of the best.
With others there is no comparison.
And don't get me started on John Harrison!
And with Khan, I just can't because you're the best of the bad
No really! The Borg called and said, "This guy is rad"
And let us not forget Captain Martin Crieff, who refused to give our sides relief ( from laughing so much, I know it was a stretch)
Iambic Pentameter this is not, please do forgive me, it's all my brains got.
Wether a scientist, or a beast, or Sherlock pretending to be a priest...`
GK CUMBERBATCH AND BUTTOCKS
Замечательна и офигенна
Попа Камбербетча Бена!
Эта попа словно свет в оконце,
Даже в темноте она - как солнце!
Есть, конечно, и другие части,
И мне нравятся они отчасти.
Но ничто не сможет с ней сравниться,
Поп таких на свете – единицы!!!
Нет!! Не так – она одна такая!!
Эта попа – как кусочек рая!
Жаль, что видим мы ее не часто…
Но когда мы видим – это счастье!!!
Benedict Cumberbatch and his friend (not his girlfriend), a Russian model Katya Elizarova [ee-lee-zarova], one of `Sherlock`s girls`.
O how astounding and splendid
Are Cumberbatch`s slim buttocks, ladies!
They warm the cockles of our hearts,
They`re the Sun that shines at night.
There are some other limbs and bones
I like them too, yet not like those.
Such buttocks are but few, unique,
They have no equal, I don`t trick.
O no! To say like this is sheer folly,
His buttocks are the ones and only.
They`re details of painted Glory!
We wish we were to see them often …
When we succeed it`s our trophy. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
You might think this verse was written by a gay person. There exists such an opportunity. But I assure you it was written by a lady.
Mrs. Cumberbutchson
Ladies like slim male bums! They look very sporting and sexual. Who? Ladies? Ladies and bums! My dear friend Dr. Fun (Freud(e)) could confirm this fact as well. But what about Dr. Watson?
Discrediting evidence No. 1. Sherlock and Dr. Watson! Look at them! Just married! That`s my boys!
Discrediting evidence No. 2.Sherlock and PhD Moriarti!
Look at those doves! Cootchy-cootchy-coo!!!
And where`s the very hero of the occasion, I mean our dear Cumberbatch`s little slim bum? Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, it`s not me, it`s Ms. Adler who took this picture and animated it!
Ms. Adler`s spy footage with the use of the very candid camera! Cumberbutch`s genuine ass! Wow!
Enough about bums and arses! Later you gonna get as well convinced that girls and ladies prefer … not only diamonds, but also elegant suits and beautiful eyes sparkling as diamonds! You don`t believe, I know it!
But recently I`ve discovered a new evidence of that, it`s the below following Sherlock Holmes TV serial fandom`s post relating Benedict Cumberbatch`s parts of body in the social network `V KONTAKTE` (VK) – `IN CONTACT` based in Russia: "Если глаза действительно зеркало души, то этот человек - инопланетянин, потому что у землян не бывает таких прекрасных летящих к вискам глаз цвета дымчатого лунного камня. Но если приглядеться, понимаешь, что они вовсе не каменные: золотистые вкрапления делают их похожими на далекую космическую туманность, пронзенную искорками звезд. Глядя в эти глаза веришь, что мы не одиноки во вселенной." If eyes are really a mirror of one`s soul then that man is an extraterrestrial because no earthlings have got such beautiful eyes of the smoke blue moonstone colour, as if flying towards his temples. But if to look hard at them you start understanding that they are not stone-coloured at all. The gold yellow spots make them look like a distant space nebula pierced with the glistening speckles of stars. Looking at those eyes you start believing that we are not alone in the Universe.`
Terry Pond-Holmes BEN-COOL
Спросили как-то раз у Бена
"Твоих фанаток как зовут?"
Стесняясь, произнес он "bitches"
Не понимая, как он крут.
Once Ben was asked in all that bustle,
`How do his fans call their pool?`
Confused he shyly uttered `Bitches!`
Being not aware of being cool. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The author of the next poem about Benedict Cumberbatch and his heroes
Anna Ostrovskaya (aka Heli)
Мне нравится, что в моде нынче ум,
Не мускулы, не взгляд от пьяни зыбкий,
А аккуратный, правильный костюм
И след от озорной такой улыбки.
I like that intellect`s in vogue anew.
Not muscles or a look blurred with the liquor.
An elegant and fashionable suit.
Ghost of a smile, a little bit mischievous.
Мне нравится, что в моде простота,
Не личико смазливое, а память,
Что роль играет здесь не красота,
А бархат голоса, что заставляет таять.
I like that naïve charm`s in vogue again.
Not baby faces which prevail, but feelings.
A title part`s played not by an exterior of man,
But by a mellow voice, so winning and appealing.
Мне нравится, что в моде стал талант:
Живой и искрометный, яркий-яркий,
Сталь голоса и пылких кудрей ряд,
И быстрый темперамент жаркий.
I like that talent is in vogue afresh,
So lustrous, brilliant, flashing, gentle.
A steely glance and curly fire make their mash,
As well as a quick, fervent temper. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Дюринг Евгений СМЕРТЕЛЬНЫЙ ПРЫЖОК ШЕРЛОКА
«Шерлок Холмс, не прыгай, не прыгай с крыши!» –
Публика смотрит во все глаза и почти не дышит.
Evgeniy Duering SHERLOCK`S SALTO MORTALE `O Sherlock Holmes! Don`t jump, jump off the roof!`
The people are all eyes and breathless, coo! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Дюринг Евгений НЕОТРАЗИМЫЙ
Завтра я поеду к своему портному,
и закажу пальто и шарф, как у Шерлока.
Встречные девчонки, увидев меня, попадают,
и какой-то парень, заглядевшись, навернется на велике.
Eugen Duering AN IRRESISTIBLE ONE Tomorrow gonna go to my tailor
To order a scarf and coat identical with Sherlock`s.
The approaching girls will see me and fall one after the other,
And a guy staring in wonder at me will fall over his byke. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
The following lovely poems belong to the pen of a street artist, a lady whose working place is the historic and historical lane in Moscow downtown, Arbat or even the Arbat str. There are a lot of performers and artists there attracting tourists. But there`s only one person writing poems about Doyle`s characters as they were presented in the latest UK`s BBC TV serial! It`s Mary Alice Brendon Whitlock Callen Hail.
A lady artist painting portraits of the pedestrians and tourists in Arbat lane.
Epigraph
Я не Ван Гог, я всего лишь чокнутый портретист на Арбате. I`m not Van Gogh, I am only a crazy portrait-painter in the Arbat Str.
Mary Alice Brendon Whitlock Callen Hail (aka Lucy aka Asya) Шерлок без пальто не Шерлок
пальто берите мне не жалко
такое же имею я
да вообще у меня дома
аж целый склад лежит таких
Who`s Sherlock without his coat? My coat? Keep it, I gonna please you!
I`ve got the same.
In general, I`ve got at home
A stock of coats like this one.
His scarf and coat!
Зачем нам нужен телевизор
не смотришь телевизор вовсе
есть для тебя лишь интернет
но повод к старому вернуться
повторы шерлока зимой
Cumbercatch
Why do we need a TV set? You never watch the television
There`s just the Internet for you.
The `Sherlock`s winter repetition
Is but a pretext to revert.
Кудрявый нянь
нужна вам нянька нет проблемы
звоните вы на бейкер-стрит
шерлок с любым ребёнком ладит
имеет собственный подход
Benedict Cumberbatch. Young years!
The curly baby-sitter You need a sitter, no problem
Just call on Baker Str., indeed!
`Cuz Sherlock dealing with the children
Has got his own way for all.
Совы, прячьтесь, миссис Хадсон смеётся
смеётся громко миссис хадсон
или же мучает сову
не знаю я но смех сей звучный
установлю я на рингтон
Little Cumbermadch in the arms of Mrs. Hudson
You, owls, hide, Mrs. Hudson`s laughing Is Mrs. Hudson lauging loud
Or is she torturing an owl?
Who knows! But her loud laughter
I gonna choose as my ringtone.
Что должен уметь каждый шерлокед
сложить как правильно салфетку
запроса популярней нет
шерлокеды с ума сошли все
ютюб давай скорей беги
What every Sherlock`s fan should know How to fold up right a napkin
Is but a query No 1.
All Sherlock`s fans are getting crazy,
So hurry up and be youtubed! (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Alas, but an author of the excellent poem next in turn is undisclosed! But his poem keeps roaming from place to place, from site to site, from blog to blog in the Russian Internet (the RUNET). I am going to illustrate it with the pictures by American lady artist from New York Alice X. Zhang http://www.alicexz.com/, alicexz@gmail.com, also known as alicexz. There`s to be just one exclusion in this gallery in the face of Moriarti. He`s been painted by the other artist.
PLAYING DOYLE
Чтобы стать таким как Шерлок,
Прикупите синий шарфик.
Очень круто завяжите,
Поднимите воротник.
И ходите с важным видом,
Полицейских раздражайте
Тем, что вы в разы умнее
И догадливей всех их.
To become a guy like Sherlock
First you buy a bluish scarf.
Then you oughta tie it nicely,
Turn up collar of your coat.
Then pretend to be a bigwig
Getting on policemen`s nerves
By the reason of being shrewder
And astuter than they are.
Чтобы стать таким, как Ватсон,
Прострелите себе руку.
После этого хромайте
И с собой носите трость.
Подружитесь крепко с Холмсом
И везде за ним таскайтесь.
В интернете напишите
Обо всем что с ним стряслось.
To become a friend like Watson
Shoot through one of arms of yours.
After that be lime in one leg
And start carrying your cane.
Gotta make close friends with Sherlock,
Follow him wherever he goes.
And create a blog for records
Of all that he`s to go through!
Чтобы быть как миссис Хадсон,
Постарейте лет на двадцать.
Прикупите вы квартирку,
Сдайте оную потом
Холмсу с Ватсоном на пару.
И имейте впредь терпенье,
Потому как эти двое
Взбудоражат весь ваш дом.
To become like Mrs. Hudson
Oughta get two decades older,
And buy a flat on Baker Str.
Then you must let it to Sherlock
And his bosom friend, doc Watson.
And possess your soul in patience
`Cuz that couple will in no time
Topsy-turvy all your home.
Чтобы стать такой, как Адлер,
Наберите компромата
На друзей, врагов, знакомых
И правительство в конец.
Занесите все в мобильный
Под таинственным паролем,
Его Шерлоку отдайте
И пишите смс.
To become a girl like Adler,
You must dig some dirt up on
Friends and foes and nodding persons,
On the government, of course.
Buy a smartphone for preserving
Information. Use an enigmatic code.
Then hand over all to Sherlock.
Send your SMS` forth.
Чтобы стать, как Мориарти,
Обезуметь вам придется.
Математику учите,
Шизанетесь только так.
Шерлоку пишите в блоге
Анонимные угрозы.
Но его считайте равным,
Все же ваш заклятый враг…
To become like Moriarti,
You`ll have to go mad at first.
Start to learn the math with fervor
And to schizze out won`t be hard.
Then attack the blog by Sherlock,
Send the anonimous threats.
Try to treat him as your equal
As he`s a bitter foe of yours.
Чтобы стать таким как Майкрофт,
Научитесь понтоваться.
Мол, большущая вы шишка
В Букингеме и вообще.
Поучайте часто брата,
Придавайтесь ностальгии,
Говорите очень много
И, как будто по клише.
To become like brother Microft
Oughta learn to make a splash:
`I mean I am one of the biggies
In Buckingham and eveywhere`.
Give the lectures to your brother,
Give yourself to your nostalgia,
Do a lot of talking minding
You seem to follow the clichés.
Чтобы стать таким как Лестрейд,
Будьте очень простодушны.
К Холмсу вечно обращайтесь,
Чаще все по пустякам.
И набрать себе команду
Идиотов не забудьте,
Чтобы на таком вот фоне
Выгодно смотреться вам.
To become Inspector Lestrade
You must seem to be simple-minded,
Bother Holmes as much as often,
Mostly worrying over trifles.
Don`t forget to form a unit
Of the perfect stupid fools
So as to place himself
In a good light versus them. (Trans. Andrew Alexandre Owie)
Mrs. Hudson: O my! So many Sherlocks and Cumberbotches! Aren`t you going to go mad? Adult people have too much time and money for playing Sherlocks! It`s squared funny! So many shadows of one genuine Sherlock! Now I gonna believe that even his starlike bum`s able to look all bright as the very Sun. His eyes … Really beautiful in aggregate with his auburn curly locks and pale complexion. But even them would have remained unnoticed and undisclosed if not the talent of that mischievous jaguar. (I`m grumbling, do not pay attention, please!).
BY THE WAY
-Tell me, Watson, why do you have such a strange name? Doctor!
BORED TO DEATH
Holms and Watson are promenading in the valley. They are hearing screaming and howling from afar.
-The Baskerville dog, isn`t it?
-Nope, Sir Henry is being served his porridge for breakfast!
HOW TO SOIL YOUSELF
Holms and Watson in the street. Holmes warns:
-There`s a big piece of shit around the corner!
-How do you know it, Sherlock?
-It`s there that I met face to face the Baskerville dog for the first time.
CLEARING UP THE MESS Watson: `You know, Holmes, there`s something strange on Baker str. When you shut the door of the loo, light goes out! Holmes: `My friend, you must have mixed the loo with the fridge`.
-How on earth have you guessed it?
-I have just tasted this paste!
CURSE THAT TONGUE OF YOURS!
-Holmes, just imagine! Soap, coffee, wine and tobacco vanished! And you love all of them very much. What will you do?
-Watson, didn`t I say often enough to you that we were not to go to Ukraine!
SIXTH SENSE
-I can`t understand it, Holmes, how did you manage to recognize the suicide bomber in the London crowd?
-Intuition, Watson. That very lady wearing paranja and holding Kalashnikov in her hands didn`t rise above the crowd when I met her in Trafalgar Square.
HIGH-GRADE DEFECTIVE Cabman: `Mr. Holmes, guess a riddle! Son of my father but not me!
Holmes failed to unriddle it. Cabman: Aren`t you Sherlock Holmes, Sir? That very famous, high-grade detective? It`s just my brother. In the evening. Holmes: Watson, guess a riddle! Son of my father, but not me!
Watson fails to unriddle. Holmes (triumphantly): It`s the brother of one cabman!
Alexei Nagel (Germany) HOLMSINESQUES
TO EACH HIS OWN
Holmes and Watson were boxing when Mrs. Hudson appeared on the threshold. Mrs. Hudson: `Holmes! Didn`t you forget about Dr. Watson`s wounded hand?` Sherlock Holmes: `Nope, lady! I am just right trying to strike it! But in any case thanx for your mention!`
THE WRONG DUTY STATION
Sir Henry Baskerville, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson bent over the dead body of the Baskerville dog.
-Watson, I heard you`d been in the Far East?
-No, Sir, in the Middle East!
Sir Henry sighed: `What a pity! We`ll have to eat that porridge again!`
IN THE LIKENESS OF HIMSELF
-Watson, why do you wear your foolish moustache?
Watson thought it over, shaved off his moustache having decided that it had been a recommendation of Sherlock Holmes. But when at work none of patients could recognize him. After returning home he reproached Holmes for his recommendation.
Sherlock Homes replied: `Watson, firstly, I never advised you to do it. Secondly, such a dramatic change of one`s public image is always a failure! And then, doc, now you can understand all the way why I keep wearing my foolish cap and smoke that fucking pipe.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
-By the way, Watson, what are you writing?
-A new story about you, Holmes.
-Can I look it through?
-I`m sorry but it hasn`t been ready yet. I gonna have it published in a few days.
-By George! Why have I to know about my own adventures last of all!
PORRIDGE, SIR!
-Berrymore, what gonna we have for breakfast?
-Otmeal porridge, Sir!
-Again! What do we feed to our horses? Nuremberg (1997—2004)
THE WAR AND PEACE AND OTHER FUNNY ROMANCES
Andrei Bolkonsky, Pierre Bezukhov and Natasha Rostova
THOU SHALT NOT MAKE THEE ANY GRAVEN IMAGE
Dancing with Pierre Bezukhoff Natasha Rostova noted:
-I can`t marry you, monsieur. You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr. Watson is.
Pierre retreated hastily and … shot himself.
Then she was engaged by Count Bolkonsky. During the dance Natasha made up her mind and confessed:
-Andrei, I can`t marry you. I`m sorry. You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr. Watson is.
Bolkonsky clicked his heels together, went out and shot himself.
There was a turn of lieutenant Rzewski*. After another turn of the waltz Natasha addressed the lieutenant: `Look here, Rzewski! You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr. Watson is`. The lieutenant, however, said:
-That`s right, Natasha! But on the other hand, I can fuck better that Baskerville dog can!
*Rzewski is both Polish and Russian family name, though Poles pronounce it as [zhevskee] and the Russian as [rzhevskee. There`s city of Rzhev[rzhev] in Russia. So Rzewski may mean as well a nobleman from Rzew.
Natasha Rostova - Barbara Palvin, a Hungarian top model. She`s natural born Natasha Rostova! My Hollywood, wake up, dear! Action!
THE SWAN LAKE
Lieutenant Rzewski and Natasha Rostova are walking around the pond with swans.
-Would you like to become a swan, lieutenant?
-Save me from that, Natasha. Just fancy, bare ass in cold water!
HIPPY CORN
Lieutenant Rzewski and Natasha Rostova are having sex.
Almost driven into ecstasies Natasha is screaming:
-Lieutenant, you must be wearing a prickly condom!!!
-No, Natalie. It`s just my hard corn!
The Russian graffiti: Johann Sebastian Bach is ever-living!
UNDER ARMS
Cornet Obolensky asked lieutenant Rzewski:
-Sir, be so kind to explain me the main symptoms of the venereal diseases!
-Judging by Venus of Milo, it`s arms fragility.
A teacher`s comment in a Russian pupil's school record book: `Creative girl! Drew in pencil the playing cards and played them!`
STELLAR ASTRONOMY
Lieutenant Rzewski at the ball in loud:
-Gonna go and take a leak! People around:
-Hush! You should`ve said: `Gonna go and look at stars!`
Rzewski went out and when was back grasped a wineglass. People around:
-Lieutenant, you should`ve washed your hands! Lieutenant: Don`t worry, messieursdames! I was holding my telescope with one hand!
A teacher`s comment in a Russian pupil's school record book: `Played chess for money!`
RIDDLE WRAPPED IN ENIGMA Natasha Rostova: `Lieutenant, gonna ask the riddles! What is it, small, grey, and – swish! – it slips into a hole? Lieutenant Rzewski: Shame on you, Natasha! It`s inappropriate!
-Come on, lieutenant. It`s just a little mouse!
-Mouse? In the pussy? It`s so sudden! I would have never guessed!
Wilfred: `What are you doing? It`s my drinking place!`
THE AUSTRALIAN BILLIARD
Lieutenant Rzewski wants to go the ball. He asks his batman to tell him something interesting so that he could later amuse the ladies. Batman: Do you know how the native Australians catch the ostriches? Now then! They go to desert, dig the holes, shave their heads and bury themselves in the sands but not all the way. Their heads bald as billiard balls remain on the surface. The ostriches think that they`re eggs, sit down and are caught for dinner. The ball`s under way and going with a swing. The lieutenant has gathered the ladies around him and begun his story.
-Dear ladies, wanna get to know the way the native Australians catch the ostriches? They go to desert, shave their heads, bury themselves in the sands leaving their balls above the surface. The ostriches think that it`s their eggs, sit down and are caught for dinner.
The ladies exchanged glances:
-Lieutenant, why do they shave their heads then?
-I don`t know. It must be a ritual or like that. In a word, Australia!
The Russian graffiti: Svetlana, don`t sin. Jesus!
NO SHIT?!
Dancing with Pierre Besukhoff Natasha Rostova noted:
-I no longer will dance with you, monsieur. There`s a stain on your suit!
Pierre retreated hastily and hanged himself.
Then she was engaged by Count Bolkonsky. During the dance she said:
-Andrei, I no longer will dance with you. You`ve tied your tie in a wrong way!
Bolkonsky clicked his heels together, went out and hanged himself.
There was a turn of lieutenant Rzewski. After another turn of the waltz Natasha addressed the lieutenant: `Look here, Rzewski! Your boots are dirty! I no longer will dance with you!
-That`s wrong, Natasha! It`s not dirt, it`s shit! Gonna fall off after getting dry! No problem!
WHEN FICTION IS BUT A FACT
HELLO, DOLLY!
Once a sailor was asked: `Have you ever felt really scared during a sea voyage?`
-Duh! Once we had a cargo of ten thousands of dollies. Suddenly our ship ran into heavy storm! When she tilted to starboard the choir of ten thousand dollies uttered l`in chorus: `Mommy!` And that very moment I scared shitless indeed!
THE JURASSIC PARK METRO
An old lady felt ill in the overcrowded metro. A gentleman asked a sitting girl to give place to the ill old lady. But the girl decided that she was too clever and said:
-I can`t. What if I am pregnant?
-You can`t be.
-Why, mister?
-Because crocodiles lay the eggs.
TWO BUCKS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
-What do you want, boy?
-Dollar.
-What else?
-Two dollars!
Mona Lisa Vogue - Mona Lisa Slepakova & Mona Lisa`s Affair - Detected by Sherlock Holmes
National Colours of Novorossia (New Russia States) Confederation
