Sandyrella (Married_with_children) все записи автора

Season 5

We'll Follow The Sun [5.1]

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Marcy: And after 20 minutes of Frigging on my boss’s desk in my slip, while the other tellers tossed quarters to me I am once again what I was: A dignified bank manager.

Al: We take no map, we'll follow the sun. We'll stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west past the cheese factories where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we hit the pedal to the metal, and we ride with the wind!!!

Peg: Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.

Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.

Peg: I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Al: What got you up before noon, Peg?

Peg: Oh, a foul evil wind. You were snoring through your nose, mouth and ears.

Al: If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put the car in park, and just sit here. (Which is what there doing)

Bud, Kelly and Peg: (Mockingly) OOOOOOOOOOH!!

Peg: Hi, Al, did you miss me?

Al: With every bullet so far.

Al...With Kelly [5.2]

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store but it was wall to wall.

Peg: So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al: Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

Sue Casa, His Casa [5.3]

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude". Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Peg. We don’t need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back. Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Al: (On the phone) You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.

Peg: Well, what'd he say, Al?

Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.

Al: Son let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

The Unnatural [5.4]

Al: (Three steps away from home plate) Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... (á la Lou Gehrig) Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. (Al takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate) M... V... P!

The Dance Show [5.5]

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Kelly Bounces Back [5.6]

Peg: I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al: Oh oh. then I guess I just have to live on love.

Peg: Not with me. I'm on strike.

Al: Oh no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al: Hey Peg Still on strike?

Peg: What does it look like?

Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Kelly: If you excuse me. Someone stole an idea from me and cost me a modelling job so I'm going to handle this the only way we bundys know how. (Picks up a baseball bat) With swift and blinding violence.

Marcy: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinager"?

Kelly: Yes, but if you pull their wings off, they'll eat whatever you give them.

Married...With Aliens [5.7]

Peg: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt, and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al: Peg!!! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!!

Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al: Guys, just one more thing. You’re sure you don’t want the redhead for your intergalactic zoo?

 Wabbit Season [5.8]

Al: (complaining) First thing they teach you, when you’re a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday"

Peg: So what?

Al: (Starts crying) Today’s Wednesday.

Al: (Singing in the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm) Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y, And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y, With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on friday nights, big lushcious hooters and a pizza and a beer there, Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al: Marcy, you’ve given me a good idea. Bring your head over here by the hole. He'll (Refers to the rabbit) thinks it's a cabbage and we’ll have him.

Peggy: We're all getting cranky Al. Did you get that rabbit yet?

Al: Are you kidding me? I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit is still alive, I'm yours tonight!

(Rabbit pops it's head up out of the hole and then disappears again.)

Peggy: You know, the sad part is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.

Marcy: Hi. Anyone around here been spraying poison?

Al: Why do you ask?

Marcy: Well there I was out in my backyard, drying off my TV from the flooding, when a bald eagle flew down and drank from my bird feeder.

Budd: Wow. We haven't seen one those around here in years.

Marcy: Yes. They are very rare and beautiful, except when they are coughing and hacking their guts out on my lawn. You really should have seen it. It was quiet an excruciating death.

Peggy: Oh, great going, Al. Why don't you throw one of your socks out the window and try for the last Dodo.

Al: Well I'd like to think I'm the last Dodo. But more importantly, I'm going to have some vegetables cuz there is no way that rabbit could have survived that death cloud, I let loose on the neighborhood.

(Everyone looks to see the rabbit run past the sliding glass door)

Al: It lives. Alright fine. I never wanted a garden. I hate vegetables. But I need that garden to relieve my stress, damn it! And I will have that garden, even if I have to kill every living thing in this entire planet. This is war.

Al: Oh, Mr. Wabbit. Come and get a nice tasty cawwot.

(Al does 2 shots with his shotgun)

Bud: Well, At least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.

Peg: Hmm. Give him a minute.

(Al shoots his foot)

Al: Ow! Oh, my foot! Oh, my foot!

(Al starts hopping with his smoking foot)

Peg: What's he doing now?"

(Bud looks through the sliding glass door to the back yard.)

Bud: Well he's got the flamethrower. He aims it at the hole, fires, ...and misses.

Peg: Garden on fire?

Bud: Yup. And so is Mrs. Rhode's fence. Wow look at her big tree go!

(The family looks on as Al is slipping a stick of dynamite into a carrot looking sleeve.)

Bud: So this is how it ends, uh mom?

Peg: As long as it ends.

Al: The fuse is lit, and we'll be hit by bunny bits any second now.

(Al begins to put his finger in both ears.)

Bud: Dad. Before your fingers hit pay dirt, are you sure you didn't use too much dynamite?

Al: Son. If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me? Don't worry. Nothing can go wrong. I took every precaution.

Budd: Including making sure it was nowhere near a gas line?

(Al's face drops. Then he takes Peg's hardhat and puts it on.)

Al: Hit the deck.

Marcy: That was a nice explosion wasn't it? On the bright side, the fire did dry out my living room. But the sun would have done it anyway, since I no longer have a roof.

Peg: (final line of the episode, said over iris-out) That's Al, folks!

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy [5.9]

Peg: (to Al) Are you enjoying your day off?

Al: Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Peg: Where are you going?

Al: Where do you think I'm going?

Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Kelly: Why do we have to fix the doorbell?

Bud: Well, Kelly, that’s why grown-ups have kids. They have me to fix things and you to say "What’s that?" every time you see an airplane.

Peg: (Pulls Al’s ear) You are too tired to fix the doorbell and yet you can move the couch?

Al: Yeah. (To Brenda) Let's hurry up and get that couch inside before Peg wants to sit on it.

One Down, Two To Go [5.10]

Al: Peg, I suspect your mind much like the lost continent of Atlantis no longer appears on any map.

Peg: Al, our Baby’s gone. Hold me.

Al: I didn’t hold you, when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

Marcy: Al, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend, Sam. Al, tell Sam, what you do for a living.

Al: I … I sell shoes.

Marcy: (her hand stops, Sam gives her money) And how long have you been doing this?

Al: Twenty years.

Marcy: (gets more money from Sam) And finally, exactly how old are the socks you’re wearing on your feet?

Al: (smirks) Not quite as old as the hair on your legs (he takes all the money).

And Baby Makes Money [5.11]

Al: We don’t believe in love.

Peg: That’s why our marriage works.

Peg: And then of course there’s that ten months of pregnancy.

Marcy: Ten?

Peg: Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they’re out, they never wanna go back in again.

Marcy: How disgusting that a man should need outside stimulation. It’s so insulting to a woman. (Pauses) Who do you think of, when you’re with Al?

Peg: James Bond … all of them.

Al: (Teases Peg) As I recall pregnancy was the happiest time of your life. (Pauses) Well, that and the three years it took you to lose the weight.

Married...With Who [5.12]

Peg: (Reads test-questions from some magazine, to Al) Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B…

Al: (Interrupts his wife) B!

Al: (To Kelly and Bud) Well, see kids. It was a dream. You were replaced by two six-packs in the refrigerator.

Kelly: Well, weren’t we cold?

Bud: (To Kelly) I was. You were empty.

Marcy: (Distressed) All I know is I woke up this morning with a man in my bed. I don’t even know who he is.

Al: Well, that’s easy, he slept with you, he’s the stupidest man on earth.

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? (Notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy, a bored Kelly and decides for Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let’s go back to bed.

(Takes Kelly on her hand)

Kelly: Bye, Daddy.

Peg: No, no, no, no. You’ve made a mistake, I’m your wife. (Releases Kelly and takes Jefferson’s hand) Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy: Oh shut up. It’s me, it’s me.

Peg: Al, we’re talking about sex. Leave it to those who do it.

Al: (Gives advice to Jefferson) Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep. Run, like Mexican water through a first-time tourist. But the key word here is "Run".

Jefferson: (Refers to Marcy) But don't you think she's cute Al?

Al: (Repeats) Run.

The Godfather [5.13]

(Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel)

Peg: Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?

Al: Well I thought since it isn't attached anymore, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al: (In a Marlon Brando voice) One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... (Normal voice) ...but we both know it probably will!

 Look Who's Barking [5.14]

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Hans: Cherry cheesecake for herr Bundy

Kelly: Well I'm a Bundy and I have hair... ok.

Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much...

Kelly: Bye! (Slams the door in his face)

 A Man's Castle [5.15]

Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of rooskie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They’ve taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I’m reclaiming my toilet bowl.

 Oldies But Young 'Uns [5.17]

Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out, now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

Radio DJ: You know, alot of people think the name of that song is "Go With Him"... but it's not!

Al: What is it? What is it?!

Radio DJ: Now here's our fifth song of 5,000 in a row! That's right, we're going for the record: Two full years of uninterrupted music.

Al: Mad, am I? I'm not doing anything any rational man wouldn't do. Now you get that oldies station back on or the walls will be your tomb! All of you!

Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers [5.18]

Al: Great, she's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us.

Bud: You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!

Peg: Well at least it's over.

Al: Oh it's not over.

(Al opens the door, revealing the police)

Al: Now, it's over!

Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do? [5.19]

Bud: I’ll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we’ll split 30-70.

Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I’m doing all the work, right? So it’s 30 for me.

Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said “Take whatever you want” you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al: I didn’t steal your bra.

Crystal: The closer I get to the Ice, the closer you get to the heat.

Bud: I got her front row. I got her backstage. I got her.

 Top Of The Heap [5.20]

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Vinnie: Don't worry, Pop. There are plenty of opportunities out there for a smart guy like me.

Charlie: Oh, definitely, definitely. You think you're smart? Name any one of the Great Lakes.

Vinnie: Lake Fulbert. Remember? That lake up in Wisconsin where we went on summers and where you taught me how to swim. That was a great lake.

Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.

Mona: Really? When?

Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.

You Better Shop Around: Part 1 [5.21]

Al: What do you think the poor people are doing right now?

Kelly: Nice shooting, Mom.

Peg: Not really, I was aiming for Daddy.

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. (Al sees Marcy) and a plucked chicken.

You Better Shop Around: Part 2 [5.22]

Marcy:: Excuse me, what is this contraption? (Referring to Al's Shopping Cart)

Al:: That's Peg, you know her.

Jefferson: Drop dead!

Peg: Lick feet!

Marcy: Eat dirt!

Al: Grow hair!

Kelly: Who is this blubbering mess?

Bud: I don't know, I think he used to be Opie.

Jerry Mathers: Opie was Ron Howard, you fool. I was, no, I am the Beaver!

Kid: Can I have your autograph, Opie?

Jerry Mathers: Okay, it's Jerry and it'll be two bucks.

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Throughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

(Shamed, Bud and Kelly slink off)

Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Route 666: Part 1 [5.23]

(Peg, Kelly and Bud, in search for Al’s money)

Peg: I’ll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.

Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I’m sexy.

Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

Buck The Stud [5.25]

(They come up from the dark cellar)

Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.

Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.