Sandyrella (Married_with_children) все записи автора

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

I'm Going to Sweatland [3.2]

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story) [3.3]

Kelly: I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?

Matt: Oh, yeah, the soup girl.

Kelly: The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Marcy: (thinking) So young... so young. Hey, number 21, if you got the place, I'll do the time. Oh, yeah.

Marcy: (thinking) Look at those young boys... those tight little buns squeezed into those tight little uniforms... spike me, baby, spike me.

The Camping Show (aka A Period Piece) [3.4]

Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al: Peg?

Peg: Well, it's her time of the month Al.

Al: What the hell did we bring her for then?

Bud: Squeak through another month eh' Kel?

Al: Well the cast of Bambi is out there now, and in here we have some of the seven dwarfs: puffy, crabby, and horny.

Peg: It's hot in here.

Marcy: It's cold in here.

Kelly: It's hot and cold in here.

A Dump of My Own [3.5]

Steve: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.

Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.

Steve: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?

Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peg: I want the lottery.

Peg: How was it Al?

Al: I don't know Peg, I'm constipated.

Kelly: Eat Dad's socks.

Bud: Sniff his shoes.

Peg: I am telling you, Al loves that toilet more than he does me.

Marcy: Peggy, don't be ridiculous.

Al: Hi Peg. (Al walks to the toilet, hugs it and gives it a kiss) Daddy loves you.

Al: Well Peg, we all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep with mine.

Peg: Is that its new name?

Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al: A job.

Her Cups Runneth Over [3.6]

[Al and Steve see beautiful women in the lingerie store]

Al: I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it.

Al: [watching the store clerk walk away] Yeah, let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

The Bald and the Beautiful [3.7]

(Al enters wearing a bathrobe. He is followed by Peg, also wearing a robe and smoking)

Peg: You were great, Al.

Al: Leave me alone.

(They sit on the couch)

Peg: C'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. Honey, you don't have to hit your head.

Al: That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. It takes my mind off what the rest of my body is going through.

Peg: Take it from me, it's not going through much.

Al: Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?

(He turns on the TV)

Announcer: And that's it for Monday Night Football.

Al: I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?

Steve: I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being around people, so I came here. Al, let me start at the beginning. I went to work this morning. Feeling good. Feeling spry. The bank was crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk.

(Steve hands Al a piece of newspaper)

Al: (Reading) "Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with your life, Steve.

Steve: Turn it over, Al.

(Al turns the paper over)

Al: (Reading) "Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless"

Steve: Do you know what this is? It's the stuff they give to men who are...(mumbles)... going bald.

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar, with a sign that says "Please"?

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

Peg: Ooh. The ribbed kind?

Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.

Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the Walkman.

Steve: Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food.

Al: Steve, I bought twenty bucks worth of that stuff.

Steve: Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better than anybody. Your follicles are alive.

Bud: Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

Al: We're growing hair, Bud.

Bud: They're growing hair, Kell.

Kelly: Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?

Bud: Yeah. Look around you, Dad. If hair got you all this, let it go.

Steve: Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.

Bud: What do you mean?

Steve: Well, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.

Kelly: (Joyous) You mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. My poor sexless, hairless brother. I'm so happy for you.

Bud: Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I was just getting used to being poor and now this.

Kelly: Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. And remember, you can always make money selling flowers at airports. I'll lend vou one of my dresses.

Bud: Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."

Lance: I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat. A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous head in the bowling ball cleaner routine again. (They all moan sadly) So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears, so he'll think of us. All in favor?

Everyone: Bald.

Lance: Opposed?

Jim: Hair.

Lance: Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It doesn't get better than bald. A bald head says good in bed. (They all cheer) All right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?

Al: Sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy? Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me. When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things. One, I really miss playing pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald. Hundred watt, soft-white bald. Steve, we should feel great, cause we got hair. And I'll tell you something else. If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch.

The Gypsy Cried [3.8]

Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?

Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much, bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit, I did try to liven things up!

Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell, "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.

Al: (To Peg) Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?

Requiem for a Dead Barber [3.9]

[Al comes in with a perm]

Peg: You look like a fruit, Al.

Al: Thanks, Peg.

Bud: Pretty cool, Dad. You have that 'no closet can hold me' look.

Kelly: You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy [has to pause for audience laughter] is going to get washed...and blown.

 I'll See You in Court [3.10]

Jury Foreman: (When reaching a verdict decision) ...and as for the Bundys, no sex equals no money.

Ms. Weigel: (Looking at the defendants - the Bundys and the Rhoades) How lovely, new meat.

Marcy: (when Kelly and Bud found out about the tapes) You told them! Now everybody knows I'm a porn queen!

Steve: I can't believe they taped us.

Marcy: And on 'Back to School' night.

Steve: (He stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors) Hello everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy, went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and ... whatever the Bundys were doing ... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! (Marcy hides her face behind her hand) But first, I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country poor man ...

(Minutes go by)

Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease ...

Eatin' Out [3.11]

Al: [ordering dinner for everyone, in a high-class restaurant] Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al: Hey kids wadda ya say, you wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

Bud: We wanna see Tears and Vomit.

Al: Well, you see that when your mom cooks.

My Mom, the Mom [3.12]

Peg: (Peg awakens from her sugar coma) Mom, I had the most horrible dream - I was married to a shoe salesman.

Kelly: Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.

Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance) [3.13]

Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al: When a Bundy is embarassed the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Steve: Your problem is you're not tuned into the true spirit of tap and what tap can do for you. Now, tap can be your friend, you know, on those...lonely nights when the cool kids don't invite you to their parties; when everyone else is out having fun, but you're home, studying, trying to make something of yourself, so that someday you can own the best car in the neighborhood. On those mornings when you look in a mirror and see a guy who's pretty darn good lookin', but shunned because of his intelligence--but they'll be sorry someday, 'cause everybody needs a car or a home loan, and then that's when they'll come crawling on their bellies to me. So I guess "Steve, Steve, the school's pet peeve" is worth something after all, so crawl, crawl, you paupers and kiss my...

Marcy: Steve.

A Three Job, No Income Family [3.14]

Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?

Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Captain: Get with the program Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.

Al: Marry a redhead.

Al: She's her own customer, Steve. All this time she's been buying all this stuff herself.

Steve: [chuckles] Al. Your life is pathetic.

Marcy: [off camera] Steve. The fish sticks are thawing.

The Harder They Fall [3.15]

Al: I can't say I won, and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well I definitely can't say I won.

Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.

Peg: You know I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl, God I hate her!

The House That Peg Lost [3.16]

Bud: (When taking pictures of the girls) Yum yum give me some.

 Married ... with Prom Queen [3.17]

Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Al: I'm not going to this reunion.

Peggy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn't take me to prom. I said fine. You said you'd only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, "I don't know what's wrong; I guess I'm just tired." I said fine. I'm not saying fine this time, Al.

Peg: Okay Al, lets go over this one more time. What do you work as?

Al: Garbageman.

Peg: How often do we do it?

Al: Five times a year.

Peg: No, five times a week Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?

Al: None.

Connie: Peggy! Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her.

Peg: Connie! Connie Bender, bring a friend it won't affend her.

The Dateless Amigo [3.19]

Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.

Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?

Al: What about tax?

Steve: [after pause] You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.

Marcy: Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.

Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know, how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.

Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

The Computer Show [3.20]

Al: What do I need a computer for?

Marcy: News updates.

Al: Newspaper.

Marcy: Social events.

Al: TV guide.

Steve: Recipes.

Al: (placing arm around Peg) Don't eat.

Steve: Doctor's appointments.

Al: Don't care.

Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.

Al: No, you did Peg. You just turned him into me.

Al: Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country, computers and women.

Peg: Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one.

Al: I'm not interested in either one.

Steve: I used to be like you, Al. Well, not just like you, I mean, I cared about personal hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.

Here's Lookin' at You, Kid [3.22]

Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me, hold me!

Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.