Kat_Davis (Married_with_children) все записи автора Customer #1: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated out of high school.
Al Bundy: These are sevens. The box says nine because well lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
Customer #1: You're very fresh.
Al Bundy: I'm sorry ma'am, but that's impossible. For the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your feet into a shoe. When I've should've eased them into the box. So you see I'm anything but fresh. And by the way you might want to tell John Henry over there to give those $100 pumps a rest.
Customer #1: But your ad said "courteous service".
Al Bundy: But that isn't my ad. That's the former owners. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size nine blow up in his face.
Customer #1: Come on Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al Bundy: You've already got one.

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Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

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Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
Al: You gonna neuter him too?

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Al: You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?
[sits on the couch next to Steve]
Al: It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
[Al laughs]
Al: But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?

Sandyrella (Married_with_children) все записи автора

Pilot [1.1]

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al: Yes, Ma'am.

---

Al: Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.

---

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg: You will not hate them, they are very nice.

Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

---

Al: I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself.

---

Al: You know another thing that makes women such a blessing for us? It's when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and they say to you, "What are you thinking?" And you start thinking, "You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking." But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?

---

Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.

Al: You gonna neuter him too?

---

Peg: That's not good. Do you have PMS?

Marcy: No.

Peg: Get it!

---

Al: And I'm telling you your son's going to grow up to be a sissy mary without sports.

Steve: I used to love sports.

Al: Of course you did, you're a man.

---

Peg: See Al? Steve helps around the house.

Al: Way to go, Steve!

---

Peg: Al, they're here. And another thing, don't eat or drink anything while they're here. One of them may have to use the bathroom while they're here.

---

Al: Does nobody have a name? Like Tom, Dick, Cobra with a sore on his mouth.

Kelly: Oh it's not that kind of a sore. He just fell asleep with a cigar in his mouth.

---

Al: Kids gone?

Peg: Yeah... but they'll be back.

---

Fat Woman: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated from High School.

Al: The scale says 9, but... lady you're a 9, I can accept it, why can't you.

Fat Woman: You're very fresh.

Al: No, ma'am, that's impossible. For the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should've been easing them into the box, so I'm anything but fresh, and could you tell John Henry to give those $100 pumps a rest.

Fat Woman: Your ad says "courteous service".

Al: That's not my ad, ma'am. That was from the former owners, he died on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

---

Marcy: Hi, I'm Marcy!

Steve: I'm Steve!

Marcy: You have a beautiful home.

Al: Yeah, so do you, come on in.

Steve: Howdy, Neighbors!

Al: Yeah, Yeah, (mouthing words to Peg) I hate these people.

---

Marcy: My mother is coming over next week.

Steve: Oh yeah? Is she gonna teach you how to bury me like she buried her three husbands?

Marcy: Steve. Are you emplying that their suicides had something to do with mother?

---

Fat Woman: Come on Arnold, we're leaving.

Kid: I want a balloon!

Al: You've already got one.

Thinnergy [1.2]

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second will ya, let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you, doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

---

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.

Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

But I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy [1.3]

Marcy: Look, we know Bella can be loud, and annoying, and the whole neighbourhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.

Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

---

Peg: Al, what are you doing?

Al: Getting my gun. Peg are you gonna tell me where you hid the bullets now or are you gonna wait until the kids see our pictures in the paper?

Peg: Al, I had to hide the bullets so Bud wouldn't find them.

Al: Where are they?

Peg: They are in the finger holes of your new bowling ball.

---

Steve: (To Al) You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?

---

Marcy: (Talking about the dog) Where is he?

Al: Well he's out in my yard! You can't miss him... I didn't.

 Whose Room Is It Anyway? [1.4]

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there, to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve: Well, Al...

Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve: The French?

(Al nods his agreement)

---

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al: Well she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Have You Driven a Ford Lately [1.5]

Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.

Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?

Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

---

Al: Hello? Dr. Mustang. You got the ornament? (to Peg) He got the little horse.

Peggy: Yee-ha.

Al: (on the phone) You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs. Mustang.

---

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these (gesturing at their wives) are our mothers.

---

Peg: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.

---

Peg: They bought something that we hate, without asking us, and that is bad. But now we have the right to go out and buy whatever we want, without asking them, and that is good. It's in the bible.

Marcy: But we can't afford to buy anything.

Peg: Well, then lets just be mean as hell.

Sixteen Years And What Do You Get [1.6]

Al: [Is given a book] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life". My God.

---

Peggy: So where's my anniversay gift?

Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside] Happy anniversary.

Peggy: A can of motor oil?

Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

---

Al: I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.

Married… Without Children [1.7]

Al: You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?

Steve: No.

Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

The Poker Game [1.8]

Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.

Al: A bubbling cauldron?

Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.

Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.

---

Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em, he eats 'em, I love him"?

Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five and a half foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

Peg: (with mock excitement) Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.

Al: (surprised) You wouldn't mind?

Peggy Sue Got Work [1.9]

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure, so when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family - and try not to laugh.

---

Al: (to Peg) You can't have a VCR.

Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?

(showing Marcy a cheque)

Al: Because the name on this cheque says "Al Bumby". (looks closer) Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Al Loses His Cherry [1.10]

Luke: (to Al) The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

---

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?

Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Nightmare on Al’s Street [1.11]

Marcy: I can't believe you told him.

Peg: I can't believe you dream about him.

Al: I can't believe everybody doesn't!

---

Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.

Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.

Peg: Well honey. Maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

---

Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you gotta shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning, he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.

Marcy: Why?

Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me I know this from experience.

---

Steve: Al, I'm horny. What are you going to do about it?

Where’s the Boss [1.12]

Peg: Maybe we should send something special to the family.

Al: Yeah. How 'bout some scuba gear and a body bag.

---

Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

---

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? (reading from the newspaper) "cheap blonde, sixteen - looks thirty, seeks job out of state, no reading or writing please"

 Johnny Be Gone [1.13]

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

---

Bud: Dad, why is Mrs. Rhoades wearing a towel?

Al: Bud, do you want to hear a long, boring story about a short, boring woman or do you want your car fixed?