Last night everything happened according to the plan, Harry came home on time, the bus was on time too, and I had about 40 minutes of swimming, it was great! Harry came to pick me up, but I could see that he had a black face and deep inside he was regretting that he agreed to do this. He was angry and therefore rude and unpleasant, but I could no longer be affected by his moods… in the evening I just went into the bedroom and carried on reading "why does he do that?".. I came to the part in the book that talks about the affect on children and also about how abusive man use children to hurt their partners. The examples in the book brought back very painful memories, on how Harry used to take Yuri away from me when he wanted to be with me, or how he blocked the way to the room where Yuri was crying, or how he used to leave Yuri to cry if I did not get home from work by the time that he dictated I had to be home... etc, etc.. I also read about how hard it is to leave an abuser and how vindictive they usually become.
This made me realise how serious it is with even more clarity. I have to find a way out, but SAFE way out! Abusers usually get very destructive, and I know that Harry will be like that too.
It all made me very sad… and I am still quite sad today. Though this is a more healthy sadness that the one that used to overwhelm me, still I have to face the reality - the situation is quite bad, and I have to protect Yuri quickly.. Before he grows up and gets affected even more by the abuse.
I will be seeing Shelly today, I am very excited about that. I think there is a reason why we met and became friends. I hope I can help her.. She seems to be facing very similar challenges. Eventually I would love to help other women, so many of us are lost! Helping others makes you stronger.. And I myself could not have made it on my own.
Still there is a long way to go till I will be completely free from him…
I seriously need to make an escape plan, a good one