В колонках играет - Kelly Clarkson "sober"
Настроение сейчас - im ill...and i miss u

Im ill again....hate being ill....

I went to USA Open College Day yesterday....it was realy good and Im actually quite excited about going to university in US!! But this is not what i was gonna write about... I feel strangly on the edge. Its almost as though im balancing on a thin stick and the wind is about to blow in one direction and....make me fall for you or move away from you....

despite what you said I really dont believe that you wlll wait til december to see me if I dont come around in october...its not that I dont trust you. I do. But its very hard to believe and then its just physical- you are a boy and a very attractive one as well. So i dont blame you. What if you have a girlfriend in LA now? ANd what if you dont?

Ive never been so much in doubt as I am now but I also havent been this happy in a while. You say you want me,that Im beautiful, amazing and that you wish i lived in LA but are you just saying it or do you really mean it?

I wish i knew how you really feel about me...Because if you feel about me the way I do about you...then what? I dont know how i feel about you myself... it feels like im falling for you...but it also feels like i dont really care. never felt this way before. alhtough i know for sure that i really miss you and that i cried my eyes out when you left. i couldnt believe that was all over...i remeber you promised i'll see you again, that you wish you could stay with me...and i just couldnt get a word out. i was trying too hard to hold back teh tears...then you got in the taxi and drove off... i cried histerically. for no reason and for the whole world at the same time. i felt so helpless cos there was nothing i could do to make you stay or bring you back to me...

Can we make this work,Tom? Do we want to make this work?

В колонках играет - seconds away Amy Studt
Настроение сейчас - missing u....but happy that its jus 3 weeks til i see u again!!!

hey you....its me again...im goin out of my mind over u!!! guess i think more of u than u do of me....nd thats not how i want to be...cos im goin out of my mind!!!! ur so far away....nd i miss u more every day but then every day i wake up and realise that i get closer and closer to u....and that im really happy cos i now yr there....Tom,baby, i miss u...x x x x x

В колонках играет - girlfriend- Avril Lavigne
Настроение сейчас - HAPPPPYYY!! but very sad too!!!

2 месяца не писала,но сегодня-исключение!!! В этот день- 19 Мая 1991 года произошло событие,которое изменило мою жизнь на 360 градусов, хотя я об этом и не подозревала....родилась Даша Кудрявцева!!!!!!! моя лучшая подруга,самый-самый добрый и близкий мне человечик!!!!!!!! С ДнЕм РоЖдЕнИя зай!!!! ты преуспеешь во всем, чем займешься!!! я точно знаю!!!!! мне очень жаль,что я не могу быть с тобой в такой важный день-тебе 16!!!! это- серьезно!!!!! но я всегда мыслями с тобой ведь ты знаешь,что я не могу существовать без тебя!!!!! Солнце,ты- Лучшая и я тебя люблю!!!!!!!!!!

В колонках играет - listen- Beyonce
Настроение сейчас - feelin down..

havent been here for ages...well been busy and didnt have time or need...but now kinda fell like it...ive jus lost a match..against an 18year-old boy...oh well still not an exuse...it terrible and played awful but u no whateva...

more importantly,i started this charity thing...raising money for talented juniors who come from poor families and cant afford to play...hope it goes ahaead fine, im very excited and eager to help reli..!! but its so much work...and i also got my exams timetable...firt exam- 8th of May...and results of my economics exam on 15th of March..

В колонках играет - Blue- sugababes
Настроение сейчас - finally gonna get sum rest!! PEACE lol

im goin 2 Heathrow in 10 mins!! this is my last post as m goin bk home on holiday!!!! cant wait 2 c all my girlies nd hav a rave on saturday!!!!!

all my love 2 every1!!!!

next post s due on sunday/monday 18/19 of feb!!!

x x x xx x x xx

В колонках играет - some disney christmasy music))))
Настроение сейчас - great!!!!!!!!!

its snowin!!! again!!~ so much fun!! we played snowballs nd all that!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE WINTER IN UK!!!!! YAY!!

BE HAPPY PPL!!!

luv ya all

x x xx x x x x xx x x xx

В колонках играет - to ma mama- Bow Wow
Настроение сейчас - good!!!!

i am finally 16 and it feels great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!byay!! i got the most amazin pressies nd generally had the best bday ever!!!!! but im ill...again!! nd i lost my voice for like all of this mornin!! but its nw back!!))) also,in 4 days im gonna b home!!! cat wait 2 c every1!! especially Dasha- i miss u like crazy!!!

luv ya

x x x x x x x x

В колонках играет - we belong together- Mariah Carey
Настроение сейчас - i am so surprised!!!!!!

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!
he applied for the state university of Miami… if they accept him, he’ll be gone at the end of this year or end of September at the latest…. I did say I will speak about him if something extraordinary happens…that’s good enough to me…

You scored as Slut. Slut 63% Nerdy Girl 56% Popular Bitch 56% Athletic Tomboy 38% Preppy Girl 38% Hippy 25% Goth 6% Loser 0%

What type of girl are you?!!
created with QuizFarm.com

В колонках играет - one of these days- Michelle Branch
Настроение сейчас - good but tired after shoppin the whole day...

its another boy...called Ben this time...but the stiry is the same...i dont want him...im not interested...at all...he's like a passing car to me...like people who come and go. every1 says: you'll make a good couple...BUT I DONT want that...and the good thing is- i want 2 be on my own now. it feels great..sort of being back to basics- free of promises,cares, tears and responsibilities...no cheese texts or ugly kisses..and u no wat?? its perfect the way it is.

x x x

В колонках играет - Breathe-Michelle Branch
Настроение сейчас - GREAT!!

today i have s starteda new page of my life, so now my diary is brand new!!! a new page of my life is without Alex. its partly.or even mostly why I closed the rest of my diary....now, i will not menion his name again, unless something extreme happens which I pretty much doubt. there we go- new diary-new set of experiences!!!!

love ya all

xxxx

В колонках играет - we ride- Rihanna
Настроение сейчас - alrite...

this is not normal!!! i mean,its snowin in england!!! i woke up this mornin nd i saw exessive amounts of snow outside my window!!!! i slipped when i was walkin out of the house nd then played snowballs wit peeps from my year!!! so weird...6 days ago we had a hurricane, 3 das ago it rained nd was warm nd today its snow that doesnt melt!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
it did look somewhat like in the pic below...

В колонках играет - michelle branch-tuesday morning
Настроение сейчас - devastated nd mayb shocked

i think im quittin tennis...

Настроение сейчас - tired

we had a flippin powercut for 8 hours!!! i mean 8 hours!! do u guys understand??? no electricity,vodafone stopped workin,trees were crushin outside my window cos its like a storm here, toilets werent flushin,no hot water...no light or heat!!! nothin!!!! and we were nt allowed out of the house!!!!!!!!!!! god....thats well freaky....

В колонках играет - perfect day-legally blond
Настроение сейчас - great,amazin!!

OMG!!! my exam is over!!!!!! so happy!!! i can doss around til halfterm now!!! yay!!! love to everyone!!!

xxxxx

В колонках играет - OC soundtarck
Настроение сейчас - alrite,worried bout my exam

right...today im gonna ask him 2 go up 2 london wit me 4 my bday...s he gonna agree? shud i even bother askin? im scared...but wat am i losin? its not even like rumors r goona start cos the ones in G house neva stopped...like 2day Bezo nd this other randomer were talkin bout me nd Alex behind me wen i ws walkin up the hill...hmm...wonder wen they'll get bored of it?

but the other thing im worried bout s my exam this thursday...economics again lol wish me luck!!!!

neway, luv u all!!

xxxxx

В колонках играет - over you- Loiuse Bodeker
Настроение сейчас - мысли в голове путаются...

i stare at the screen...there r so many thoughts runnin through my head..and nothin at the same time...my life is perfect, i must think...but is it really? everythin that i have isnt worth a penny... sometimes, when i look back on the things we had i question myself: what did we have to share? what was it that attracted me so much?...in attempts to get over him i did try everythin i could..but nothin seems to bother him anymore...he jus doesnt love me anymore...but how did he move on so quickly? i want to do that too...im simply very tired of this...all the games him and i have played...

Господи,я устала...все...разваливаюсь на части...не хочу ни на кого вешать свои проблемы поэтому просто пишу это все здесь,так легче выговориться...я правда иногда думаю,что это конец...всего,понимаете? всего...иногда хочется плакать,а не получаеся..иногда так одиноко,но никого нет рядом...иногда хочется быть кем-то другим..или перестать пытаться быть кем-то и просто остаться собой...если честно,я редко задумываюсь обо всем этом...и мало кому говорю... но когда так случается,всегда пишу здесь..все так надоело((( и мыслей в голове больше нет...как-то пусто и дико...и в сердце у меня пусто...там чего-то не хватает,но я боюсь заполнить эту пустоту потому,что опять будет так же больно через какое-то время...мне просто страшно...поэтому,и бегаю от одного мальчика к другому...наверное,скоро докачусь до того,что просто пересплю с кем-то,а на следующее утро забуду...все это вовсе не вина Алекса...моя вина и только...как хочется иногда все забыть и просто нчать с нового листа...но каждый раз он улыбается мне и все начинается сначала...я правда больше не хочу его любить или видеть...хочу нажать кнопку delete...ведь в последнее время на все можно найти ответ в интернете и все можно сделать при помощи компьютера...почему же мое сердце этому не поддается?

i look over these notes and they are absolutely ridiculous...every girl in the world writes or feels something like that but they all get over it...they have a good time but time moves on....and onlythen you realise how much you want him..but hes already gone..and then he's everywhere and you cant seem to be able to get away from him. i heard he likes sum1else and so do i...and that is the way it should be...but i cant..its unfair how i have to see your face everyday and go through all that pain and you just glance at me with that stupid smile and not a thought rushes through your head...how did we get to this? it could have been different... i hate to admit it to myself...but i still love him....

В колонках играет - one- Mary J Blidge feat U2
Настроение сейчас - extremely happy!!!

omg!! Alex gave me an xmas pressie!! i no its a lil too late but its sooooo gorgeous!!! its like a hand made silver braclet!! so pretty!!! l luv it so much!!

yay!!! ppl b happy)))

xx

В колонках играет - nothing...
Настроение сейчас - tired..

I NEED A BOYFRIEND!!! BUT, no serious relationships- jus a quickie!! for about 2-3 weeks...that will make me feel a lot better...any1 up 4 that? suppose not lol

В колонках играет - over- Lindsay Lohan
Настроение сейчас - i cant live and breathe without him. i dream bout u

Ну вот вернулась я в школу и в первый раз за долгое время пишу по-русски в дневе))) покаталась я в Австрии замечательно, за исключением того,что:
- все склоны были в буграх и кататься не оч прятно!
- солнце было только 2 дня, а все остальное время непрерывно шел снег
- в мой последний день, так скажем в день закрытия сезона)) я каталась с Дашулей и перепутала трассы, что для меня нормально хехе и в итоге пришлось тащить лыжи на себе)) люди, вам совет- КАТАЙТЕСЬ НА БОРДАХ))

а так все было замечательно)) мы с Дашкой хорошо повеселились: поражали воображение продавцов в next generation своими джинсами seven, поедали кругленький сыр(но тайно скучали по колбасе, морсу, йогурту и мандаринам)), играли в карты и в снежки у Дашки на балконе- крыше) а самое главное- легендарное катание на санках…в тазике))) когда маша(то есть я) в папиных говнодавах на 5 размеров больше волочилась вверх по красному склону)) и еще у нас даже был поход в клуб, но нам там не понравилось…-пивная для пьяных немцев)) и Дашка пошла домой, а вот я с Асей отправились в Pasha и там зажигали)))

В колонках играет - i choose life- keisha white
Настроение сейчас - worried but happy

right...im bk 2 UK nd its time to think over the things that happened last year...

current boyfriends: 0
past boyfriends: 3
school: been gd but failed sum exams..although, mocks were gd..
tennis:won loads of matches...

the past year has been...a gd experience...i learnt a lot. im nt gonna make the same mistakes nw. and the main thing is- i am still the same iron girl with a wide smile pulled on and my friends are still with me.

plan for 2007

current boyfriends: will be nothing more than a fling. no more serious realtionships..
past boyfriends: forget Alex. it's gone and we are different people living different lives...
school: work as hard as possible but keep positive
tennis: put your heart into it

this year is the time to start a new life. time 2 b different. i will change as it's the way it should be. i will never blame any1 4 the things i couldnt do. i will make it all this time.

В колонках играет - we're dancing- PYT
Настроение сейчас - fighting with myself, so pretty miserable, after having a great day...

just before you start reading- dont bother and skip this if you are not ready for another confession of a heartbroken lol

i stare at a blank point on the wall...wat shud i say 2 entertain u? wat can make u happy? how can i help? the girl beyond my face is breaking through a set image..."happy,positive,funny and will always help"...yes,thats me...but there is a different person underneath it all. that fragile, little and frightened girl...fairly interesting notes of the girl living in UK at a boarding school. i wonder sometimes, wat if i never came here? it would be so different? would i be able to succeed? of course, i would have had the life i wanted,could have been with my friends and all but i suppose i would have really missed out on alex..or it would have been great to never meet him..? he would have never had a chance to hurt me so bad..he wouldnt have had the chance to steal my heart... the fragile girl is getting tired of this...i want to be free..free from promises, responsibilities, tears and fears. but how do u say googbye for ever? i gave him that note...to wave goodbye...it said:
"life isnt about the amount of breaths u take, its about the moments that truly take ur breath away..u gave me a lot of those and i will never forget u and what u were to me. but now i wish u all the best for the future, forever yours Maria."

this was the end of me and him...a logical ending for me, at least..he never said anything about it. i havent spoken 2 him for so long,but now he is back with all the flirting...i spent 3 hours with him today...it felt just as it did back then, when we were together..but does it mean anything to him??

i want 2 live!!!!!!!!!! live the life i had!!!!! i want to get a part of myself back. i dont want him to hold it anymore. i want to let go and be free to trail off...but i dont know how to.

i tried being friends- failed
i tried going out with someone else- failed
i tried flirting with others to get me busy- failed
i tried workin so hard that i wont have the energy to think- failed.
i tried drawing his attention back to me- the result frihgtens me...what if he wants me back?

ive been trying to erase alll the memories of him, even deleted all his texts and emails, threw away his letter...but as soon as i face another meeting with him, it all gets back to me. all the times we spent together are just there before my eyes. when he holds my hand now, i shiver because it reminds me of the times he used to hold me..of the day when i slept with him. when he asks why i shiver, i lie and say that im cold. its true thought, im cold inside, i need him...its just a question of habit now. the other nite i was lying in my bed, flicking through my old phone and glanced at the watch- it was 10:45, the time when he would always call me. every day without fail. i miss his voice...

god, in tears again. its getting hard to breathe and IT CLICKED- I NEED TO FORGET HIM FOR GOOD. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

В колонках играет - breathe- michelle branch
Настроение сейчас - im back on the track!!!

everything is changing...an iron girl is falling to pieces under his touch...i spent 3 hours with him today...he touvhed my hand, did all the things we used 2 do...and hes buildin up my hopes again...i dont know whether 2 give in or to try and escape...? what do u guys think?

xxx

do u girlies remeber this?? was soooo much fun))))) cant wait 2 c u!!!

xxxx