What if you believe in nothing?

If you don't trust people? If you don't believe that they stay with you instead of leaving you? And you kind of protect yourself by convincing yourself that you don't need them, don't care and don't miss them. And do you in fact?

What if you are so afraid to be broken that you don't let people to get inside you?

If you are a naive idealist you can feel all the paints of love and subtle pleasures of the unknown. Your soul is kind of opened to the future with all it's surprises. And there is a price. Disillusionment  and feeling of betrayal.

If you are an experienced cynic or you already have been disillusioned once you loose the ability to see the world without distrust. You can no longer enjoy the subtle happiness and the most powerful joy doesn't reach your heart anymore. But you also can't be disillusioned and you don't have to suffer from betrayal.

Again, what's better?) To be closed in your own cocoon and be secured or live with the open heart until smth breaks it?

Sometimes people have a bad mood. Some people often have a bad mood. When someone tells you that you have it too often it won't change anything. You won't tell anything again but it doesn't mean that you won't feel like this  anymore.  Life is a mess for everybody. It has good moments and it has bad moments. And no one can choose for you how to feel even you on your own. Mood is a fickle bitch that's all. Live with it. We all do.

It comes and goes

Настроение сейчас - it is complicated

How to act if you don't know the rules? Or if you know them in theory but not in practice. What to do if smb wants smth from you and you want to give it but you don't know how? What if smth you want has no future?

What if you are afraid of smth new?If you really want it? What is stronger? Desire or fear?

It is interesting how many thoughts in our life are really our thoughts. Not other people's thoughts that were passed through our system of perception but really ours? Metaphorically, is one person able to discover America on it's own or he/she needs other people's opinions to analyse them and make conclusions?

Why is behaviour of some people so illogical? When it doesn't have goals or sense at all. Just like a maze without exit. People make their life more complicated themselves but blame others. Pointlessly, isn't it?

From where do we gain all our shortcomings? In process of upbringing/socialising? Or we are born with them? Where is the line between genetics and upbringing? Some people think that less than 20% of our behaviour/feelings/character can be a result of genetics. Scientists see this figure as 50%. But what is this figure in reality? Or is it again subjective and indefinite like everething in this world? Does it depend on the power of  definite genetics or on the quality of upbringing? My first answer is "yes of course". But what about awkward age? I heard stories about people who had been perfectly normal before this period but drastically changed after it. So what is the chance of a kid that had been nurtured perfectly in all senses to become a person with a strong aberration? For example, cruel, wicked, self-contained, having no purpose in his/her life? Unfortunately this probability can be one of the first reasons for people's unwillingness to adopt children. And it does make sense. It is scary. You can do everything you can but it stll won't help. Such helplessness leads to despair and not each person is willing to take that risk. But sometimes when someone does it he/she has everything to live for.

People need each other for different reasons. They need them to do smth, to be smb, to care about them, to be cared, to do their job etc.There are people who say that they  need exact person for exact purpose and it of course sounds very selfish and cruel but how far are we from those people? To desire caring or to have a wish of helping people doesn't seem selfish, but again it's a desire of people themselves so technically these people want it and however unselfish it's their wish. Technically these unselfish people do the same that selfish do. They need people to serve as some mean in achieving some point or in providing needful existence. Or it is more right to see this as a human interaction system? At least it sounds  not so selfish and cold.

Настроение сейчас - Positive =)

Tea, insomnia, exams I don't attend.. occasional feeling that I'm a normal member of society. Piece of invariable indifference.

I feel that I'm changing. My wishes, desires and concerns.. Everything is changing. It is kind of scary but hopeful. Thoughts about despair disappeared. I want to live again) It is something, isn't it?

I want to study Interior Design! I really want smth, I really want to be smb. It's good.. yeah, it feels really good. I'm ready to take a big step, to risk, to change my life.

Though need to be loved grew too.. But I really hope that I'll be able to cope with it. Too optimistic?) Oh, i love being optimistic.

P.S. Thanks for the picnic) It helped. A lot :)

Настроение сейчас - broken

Is it good to take a big risk? To give up everything and to start over? To go somewhere far from your home with a little livehood? Somewhere where people don't talk in your language and you don't know anyone? What is the probability of failure?

When you can't live where you live anymore is it better to leave or to continue your miserable existence there and soon be dead inside?

My friend said I should always have a way back, a possibility to step back. Back where? Here? I don't want this here. But if I lost I would end up in nowhere. But technically do I have anything to loose?

I'll leave my friends.. Is it selfish? Maybe these words are selfish but having friends don't make me feel less lonely.

God, how could I come to this? Where was that damn fork between normal life and this pathetic existence?

hm.. why people want to be liked? Why do they care about other people's opinion so much? Why do they need to be loved? Does that mean that each person is not self-sufficient? If he needs to be loved, liked and cared about?

We all want to be beautiful, remarkable and perfect. And all of this lead to other people. We say that we buy beautiful clothes and jewelry for ourselves but in the end we want to be seen and evaluated. Why is it so? If not to consider appearance we want to be evaluated by our actions or qualities.. by anything. We want to be smth. Because it's a system? Is it just the way we are?

You can find hell of contradictions here. For example, you can consider yourself as a person with a very strong opinion that appearance means nothing - only smth inside you means smth. But even in this case you can be a little vain and discriminating, can't you? Is it hypocrisy or just the way things are in this world?

People people people people people people

It is always about people. We expect smth from them. We are hurt when we don't receive the expected things. We want them to care about us, to love us, to be noticed by them. We want to love them, to be close to them, to have some connection... And when we don't receive what we want there comes disillusionment, hurt and numbness.

What is better: not want anything or to be mercantile and want money or smth valuable? The latter people at least know what they want.

We can think that we are smart, more complicated and better than others. We can listen to others' stories about clothes, rich boys, appearance, fashion etc. and think that it is a cheap philosophy. We like to judge. But in the end are we better than others? Who defines what is cheap philosophy of life and what is not? Does life have philosophy at all? Does life have anything?

How to stay optimistic on this planet? With all it's defects? With violence, death, cruelty, indifference. Where the human life is treated like a peace of garbage or a way to express smb's views? Where all channels show the same news and you'll never hear or see the things people from somewhere above (or possibly below) don't want you to see. Whom am I asking these questions.. Probably myself. Will I ever get the answers? Do I want to?

I'm not that stupid to think that all people without exceptions are horrible creatures. I know some good people. My friends are very good people.. with faults of course, but no one is perfect. But if I don't meet enough good people to really believe in smth good? There are many not good and horrible human beings on this planet. Not all 7 billion of course, but there are still too many of them. And it is understandable. The world is not perfect, there are many unideal families, people who lack family at all, people who lost smb because of the system. And who will grow up in such environment?  How can we expect smth good from people when we do nothing to help them? We start wars, kill and hurt people, make ourselves just the perfect example of imitation and expect others to be right, crystally white and perfect. Just dandy.

The system is too much, isn't it? And you can't change it. It is too huge and it is not possible for one person to do anything about it, even for many people. It'll take centuries and still you won't know if the right ideas win or just sink in the wrong. And what do we have in the end? Hope? Nothing for sure. Is it possible to live with only hope? It is if you don't think about it, if you fill your life with smth like work, clothes, friends, love, tv-shows etc. But will it be pure living without superstructures and sham? So everything sucks, I can't change anything so i'll be spending my perfect life without thinking about others. They are too far from me anyway. I don't know them so why should I care?

We are part of the system. Maybe we don't do harm deliberately but our indifference feeds it. Of course we can have our own reasons for indifference and not caring. Very objective reasons for sure but it doesn't matter because in the end we get what we deserve.

"Human heart is a scary part"

What to do when faith ends? Mine didn't. Yet.

Many people tell you to believe in good things. To believe in a white line after black. To believe in happiness. To believe in life. To believe in love. To believe in family. Yep, I know what you'll say. Family again.. I can't do anything about it. Family is my biggest problem. I blame it for the past, for the future and for  the present. Whatever. It's not a topic in this note.

So where was I? Ah, faith. Let's assume you believed in happy ending for a very long time. But nothing changed around you. People are becoming less and less caring, winters are becoming colder and colder, your life is becoming harder and harder, you feel more and more trapped. You thought that your life had been under control in the past but now you understand that in the past you just did things that were expected from you. So in fact you did things others told you to do. And now you don't do them, but you don't feel relieved or free. You feel lost. Nowhere.

Somewhere there is the line. Line between idealism and cynicism. Before you reach this line your faith in everything good is still here. When you are balancing on this line you are in between. You still want to believe, but it's harder and harder to be able to. And when you cross this line faith dies. You aren't able to believe in people anymore, you don't expect anything good from them, only bad. Trust dies too. There is of course a bridge between two banks and you can return back but it is not easy and sometimes even impossible. Depends on ambient world. I think that in this case you can't do anything on your own. If you crossed that line you are not able to come back without a reason. And there can be only one reason - people.

I'm balancing in between.

And where are you?

Spring.. Perfect word) Perfect season. Today i was smiling without reason. It is hmm sweetly. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. Everything just seemed so unimportant and far. And my mood was unreasonably perfect.. Another parcel, marvellous Haruki Murakami's story and of course music without which i don't imagine my life at all.

About Murakami. For me he writes not books but atmosphere. No, in other words. He wrote many books. And most of them are really smth. But in many of his books there is no plot itself, but there is this atmosphere. It merges with the plot and in some moment becomes the plot itself. And in some books like in my favourite "Hear The Wind Sing" (his first novel indeed) there is no plot at all but atmosphere. And if to assume that he writes about life it is perfectly right that his books don't have a plot as life doesn't either. So i was reading his short story in the subway between Strogino and Krilatskoe and i just dropped out of this world for the whole long stop. Very comfortably dropped.

And maybe next week i'll start working in.. Auchan.) I already got some snobbish opinions..) I regard it as an interesting experiment. Little money , less unproductive time.. It is a change, isn't it?

I hope smth'll change during this spring and i hope it'll be a good change.

Some people just don't see when you need them to.  It hurts when you ask them to do smth that is really important to you and they don't. Even if it costs them practically nothing.

Someone smart said smth like "Those who deserve your tears will never make you cry".

Reasons for not doing? Purely selfish. So what? Do i have to admit that all people are selfish and self-centered? That each person can let you down? I don't want to live in this world. This thought comes and comes. More and more often. I'm so tired of disappointments in people. I need people so much. I need them around me. And simultaneously I can't stand them anymore. I just want to die or to live in some beacon and not see anyone at all.

I'm so tired of always being alone. Even in a room full of people. Especially in a room full of people. Really it's kind of easier for me to be alone when I'm really alone. When I don't think of people who should be here with me but they just don't care. It is selfish but I'm tired of seeing normal people with normal lives. Part of me is happy for them but another part raises sad memories each time i see them. And i can't stand that too. I'm just so damn tired(  Everything is just like in fog. I am not able to see clearly anymore. I'm afraid i'm at the beginning of the road that leads to nowhere. And I'm moving fast, too fast.

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

fill your life with something else

Some people expect smth from us, don't they? Very often they expect from us smth they wanted for themselves and didn't get. They put pressure. It can go from love if there is some. But even in this case it can be selfish, not purely but..

But if there is no love? If it like some kind of loveless cruel machine? Like as person has some point of view on how people should act or live. Even if he doesn't follow his rules himself. Oh, he thinks he does. But he doesn't. So what does he do? He tells other people what they have to do not seeing at all what do those people want or need. He is 100% sure he is right and he despises any deviation from his wonderful plan for others. Nice. Really. Are there any humans on this planet?

This is one of million ways how to destroy a person. There is of course the opposite one which is not good too. When somebody doesn't expect anything from you. Maybe because he is too selfish to care or he just doesn't see anything in you, doesn't believe in you. Nice too, isn't it?

There must be smth good somewhere in the middle. And there must be love of course and humanity. When a person doesn't press, doesn't impose his view. He can just believe in you. He is able to support you even if he disapproves. He is able to let you choose your own way and make your own mistakes. Hmmm, yep this person is supposed to be an angel..

Are they real anyway?

This need for freedom is so strong. I just want to breath in the vast green field. Thoughtless.

Hm, why is everything seems so light to a child and so dark to an adult? The things for a child seem uncomplicated, he just takes them as they are. He even can think that everything around him is normal, in so many situations he doesn't even compare his life or his environment with other peoples' lives. He can just live.

But when he becomes an adult, all this pressure comes and with it comes the understanding that his life wasn't normal, that it should have been.. must have been different. He begins to compare and now he sees the difference between normal childhood and the poor excuse for it. Oh, he can think that somebody's life is worse..much worse but can it help? Does it ever?

It is so much easier to take things as they are. It is so much easier not to compare. It is so much easier not to suffer. It is so much easier to live than to exist.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.