self-selfish? |
Настроение сейчас - is there any?
Throwing my life away as always. It has become some kind of a hobby, hasn't it? Yep, I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Turns out I just can't do anything properly. Whatever. If nobody cares why should I?
One morning made me think that it doesn't matter what I'll archieve in my life or what I won't achieve until I have the opportunity to watch the sun rising.
+ Of course my oxygen - music. Maybe for someone it is a pathetic existence but not for me.
It is just that I don't give a fuck about myself. If smth concerns another person.. really concerns. I will try. I will try hard until it really works. But for myself I won't do this because I just don't care for myself. AT DAMN ALL.
"Sometimes you have to get lost to be found". Maybe that? Or not)
|
|
we all are always saying "fine" |
|
|
april snow, despair and cruelty |
so...
why are memories of some things are better than those things really were? Or at the exact moment people can't see their happiness? Maybe they need some time to evaluate it? To compare it with all the crap that happens to them? Do people live at all? Or the only thing they are doing is analyzing everything? Or possibly it is the only thing that I'm doing. Living-existence-living-existence. Choose one.
snow. snow + rain. snow+rain+cold. In april. Really?
i don't want to be cruel. but i can. i can be very cruel. sad
if you have nothing to loose is the risk valuable?
despair. nothing sticks. indifference. do people see only things they want to see? is it possible to live in a dead house? surrounded by dead needless things?
i don't feel anything. is it possible?
|
|
sometimes desire is just a desire |
something will always make me wanna go and kill myself.
|
|
I'm so afraid the way I feel |
I like to blame people around me so much.
I still do it but now I feel so remote like I don't care. I just don't care about anything. As if I see my life from outside and don't give a damn.
I envy people who have found themselves easily. Do they have some kind of map or chip sewn in their heads?
Gray gray gray.. All I see is gray
|
|
Nux Vomica |
|
|
Аудио-запись: Fleetwood Mac - I'm so afraid |
15 слушали 0 копий |
I've been alone All the years So many ways to count the tears I never change I never will I'm so afraid the way I feel Days when the rain and the sun are gone Black as night Agony's torn at my heart too long So afraid Slip and I fall and I die I've been alone Always down No one cared to stay around I never change I never will I'm so afraid the way I feel Days when the rain and the sun are gone Black as night Agony's torn at my heart too long So afraid Slip and I fall and I die |
|
|
Poor leno |
|
|
What is home? |
Настроение сейчас - Snowy/sleepy
Strange. I always thought about home as it is not mine. I always wanted to escape.. to get the hell out of here. Which is diffucult in winter. But now when I have an opportunity to move out I don't want to. Many many reasons but are they real reasons? Or excuses as I don't like changes?
I love this area. What else can I say? I love it here in spring because I can ESCAPE in spring. I can walk along the Moscow-river's bank, ride on a swing, sing and revel in despair. And I don't want to leave it! Yep I don't want to leave my despair. Marvellous. Here everything is relatively fine apart from the lack of compromises. But this lack can ultimately kill me. As far as I know myself I'll stay but what will happen here to me is a big big question. At least I have places to escape ;)
Ok, enough about sad things. What about positive? This year I have decided to make impulsive thoughtless (or practically unconsidered) actions. And making these actions really brings me happiness! New, previously not experienced happiness. All my life I measured everything, thought about all possible concequences taking into account the worst outcomes and ultimately did nothing. As my friend said I took a passive part in my life. And it is very close to truth, but now I hope I've changed. And I am happy. At least for now. Some major decisions and I am going on quite a different way. My way.
|
|
Obscurity |
|
|
Where are your pink glasses? |
|
|
..flip, flop & fly, I don't care if I die |
So.. The year is practically gone. What did it bring?
Catastrophic relationships. But they were my first.. So, cheers! Cheating, self-absorption, going crazy in the end and it is not about me. Consequenсes for me? Collapsing of faith to people, of that tiny little wish to be loved and coming to the idea that I'm not able to love. Maybe I just block this feeling subconsciously - I have many reasons for that, maybe I just can't. Like I can't miss anyone. It's like self-defense. You don't get hurt if you don't love. You don't feel hurt if you don't miss anyone. Simple.
People are terrible creatures. They lie. They hurt each other. They think only about themselves. They judge, always. Even if they say they don't. Especially when they say they don't. They are intolerant. They can let you be their friend but when you need them they just don't want to listen to you. They often want more. They can turn from decent people to cruel monsters in a second. End of the world? Oh, perfect idea!
It is hard to live in a place that is killing you. Where you can't change anything. It makes you think that you can't change anything in this world. Then why even try?
Collapsing of big plans. Destruction of another piece of the already very small pyramid called self-belief.
Quitting this, quitting that = goodbye hope, it was so nice of you to drop in.
Of course, not everything was so bad. But sitting here alone in winter again.. I don't want to live again. Sometimes friends help, but sometimes they even make it worse.
I want everything to be perfect and it is my right to. I won't ever again apologize for wanting smth, for being smb or for saying things I want to say. I am who I am and if people don't like this version of me they can go to hell. I'm not a model assembled out of others' preferences and wishes. It is one important thing I understood during this year.
People are of course terrible :) But they are not so scary.. So if you are open-hearted they can be even nice.
It is not right to stay where you don't belong. Even if you are escaping it is not wrong because you are trying to find a place where you can be happy instead of staying in a place where you aren't and will never be.
Regrets are useless. You can't change your past. Maybe you made many stupid mistakes but it doesn't matter now. Now you can only try not making them again. Inability to forgive yourself for your mistakes can turn to an inability to accept yourself for what you are.
Sometimes you like to give presents if you had a lack of them in your past.
|
|
Аудио-запись: VAST - Desert garden |
|
18 слушали 0 копий |
|
|
VAST - Desert garden |
|
|
Objectivity & double standards |
Настроение сейчас - dark grey
What do you think about double standards? They are often around us, even in us. We are so fond of criticizing other people for different things, but when it comes to us we can easily make the same choice as those who we critisized did. Where does it lead us? Are we hypocrites whose most defining quality is lying to ourselves?
This world is always about double standards.. Appearance, pull, wrong choices.
Even certain qualities in friends. We choose our friends according to the list of qualities. Sometimes it is the list of good qualities we want to see in our friends. Sometimes it is the list of qualities of negative qualities we don't want to see in them. So then why when the person is already our friend and suddenly appears to have one quality from that (-) list we easily forgive him/her for that?? Why can't we be objective when it comes to our friends? And if to speak about objectivity can we be objective at all? We all have values, experience and past. Everything can influence our objectivity.
So the question is how to still be yourself and not despise yourself if at every step of your life you can betray yourself and can even not notice it?
|
|
"You don't love me / you love the relationships" |
Настроение сейчас - curious
To what extent does our need for people really depend on their qualities and nature? Do we need certain people or just their presence? In other words do we love relationships or people?
It just happens that we meet some people and there are billions of people we'll never meet. So we just spend time with those we have met. If there is an attractive force acquintance turns into something more: friendship, love.. But in the end anything that really counts is this force acquintance/chemistry, isn't it? Of course many of us have the list of important qualities we don't want to see in people beside us. If to look just at the list with shortcomings we all understand that the longer the person is beside us the more we are getting used to his/her presence and his/her shortcomings. And in many cases we just can't let go even if nobody gets anything good from this relationships anymore. We don't want to change anything - we are so damn afraid of changes.
People or relationships? Certain attitude to us or presence of the most important (for us) qualities? Do many of us deserve both?
|
|
Аудио-запись: The Doors - Summer's Almost Gone |
|
30 слушали 0 копий |
Summer's almost gone |
|
|
Do we know each other? |
How well we do we know people beside us? How often do those people do things we have never expected from them? Too sad that it mostly happens in a negative way. One day you just wake up and understand that you have never known this person. It hurts, doesn't it?
You are trying to understand what did just happen.. And you just can't help thinking. But each possible answer ends in nowhere.
|
|
Inside |
Where is the beginning of human cruelty? I mean where is that line after which you are no longer considered as a kind understanding person capable of compassion? Cruel things happen to people and change them. It may be not their fault. They are just no longer able to care enough. Or to care enough in certain circumstances. Can we draw the line here? Can we consider a person which is able to be very cruel in certain situations kind and caring if apart from these situations he/she is indeed kind and caring? The question is if a kind caring person has a right to be beyond cruelty in certain situations? And can we use some aspects of these situations as mitigating circumstances?
Or we should look the truth in the eye and accept the fact that even the best of us can be morally ugly in certain situations (?)
|
|
When the music's over |
Do all people have some point of view on love? Do all of us expect the special kind of love? And if we don't receive it we think that we are not loved.. But is it true? And if all of us do have our own conception of love how does the identity of love converge at all? Does love exist at all? Or it does only in our own conception?
Let's assume person A met person B and they became a couple. But A's conception of love is different from the conception of A-B relationships. So what should A do? Discuss everything with B or it doesn't make sense because A and B have two different views on relationships and they are just no good for each other?
|
|
