looking.. (but not seeing)
telling... (but not saying)
listening... (but not paying attention)
thinking... (but not understanding)
feeling...(but remaining FROZEN)

Настроение сейчас - "..pondering with the wisdom of age)..."
В колонках играет - silence....

Your Birthdate: October 12

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

fuckin truth!!!

some pics from 2004 added...

Настроение сейчас - tipsy;)
В колонках играет - the cure

7 things i love about myself:
- my pierced tongue
- my pierced lip
- my ear-tunnel
- my red hair
- my hazel eyes
- my thin bony fingers
- my laughter

...oh yes, i am selfish)))))...

Настроение сейчас - relieved
В колонках играет - queens of the stone age

...oh my gosh!!...jesper was hit in his head with a bottle...they had a fight or something...these fuckin arabs/turks started the whole shit...bloody degenerates!!...im not a racist, but, you know, after hearing all these stories about refugees attacking the locals and shit...im getting closer and closer to becoming one!!!...fucking retards...how the heck do they still have courage and insolence to claim that they are beind suppressed????...bullshit!!!...its them, suppressing all the rest...them, contributing the most to our crime rates...them, costing the government a hell lot of money for their fuckin state benefits...we should not be so tolerant!!!...definitely!!!...


(jesper got 4 stitches at the back of his head..)

Настроение сейчас - pissed off!!!!
В колонках играет - sonic youth - "kim gordon and arthur doyle hand cream"

...so...another cracked day...another lonely night...feels like im stuck in this 4ever...but i know im not...just have to make it till summer holidays...and then, its all gonna be just perfect...
...damn...jesper called me again...looks like hes kinda fallen for me...shit...

Настроение сейчас - bugger!!
В колонках играет - snashing pumpkins

...fuckin hell!!...been drinking since...oh..gimme a sec...since friday, i suppose...wonder how i am still breathing and making my fingers type this shit...just woke up a couple of minutes ago...still fell like sleeping and sleeping and sleeping...and fell so damn hungry too...i'm sta-a-a-rvi-i-ing!...and the refrigerator is of course empty, as it always is...yeah, thats the disadvantage of living on your own...somebody, please, bring me some fo-o-o-d!!!...all the stores are fuckin closed cause its some sort of holiday today...something with religion again...i hate denmark for all their mouldy traditions, but at least we didnt have to go to school today..(which i probably wouldnt do, even we we had to;))...crap...i'd better go to sleep again cause otherwise my stomach's gonna kill me...

have a nice day...
(and dont mix the drinks, for christ sake! you dont want to be as hung-over, as i am!...trust me...)

Настроение сейчас - fucked up

dont know what to say...dont even know why i still keep writing here..what for?...who for?...me?!?...oh, no, i dont need all this...by the way, brittany taught me a great song on friday!...heres how it goes:

"I'm a bastard, i know, and it's true
Yes, i'm a bastard, i know, i't's true
Sucks to be yoooooouuuuuuu tu-du-du-du...
Sucks to be you..."

(Repeat througout the song)

...what a deep meaning lies in these lines!...simply brilliant!...

and, oh!...heres another little story about friday the 13th...(last friday that is)...well...its not actually a "story"-story...just a narration about our little adventures (which we never cease to have )..theres actually not much to tell...(guess its because of the amount of vodka being drunk before that)...but one of the funniest moments i remember was when we were having a dinner (cooked by half-sober caroline and mads in the same condition as hers) at brittany's place together with her host dad, and me and caroline (especially caroline!) were teaching him some russian and german swear words...no, no! it was not our idea!..he asked us to...it turned out that he even knew some of the russian poetry:p...and after the dinner we decided to go to caroline's place all of a sudden...which is situated about 4-5 km (!!!) away from brittany's house...but that, of course, didnt matter for us (nothing can stop us now, la-la-la-la...)...there was pitch-black darkness outside and, considering the fact that brittany and caroline both live in the countyside, there were absolutely no street-lamps, we almost literally had to grope our way...it was fun...and fucking creepy like hell!!...especially, when a couple of cars suddenly appeared from a turn and blinded us with their sun-bright headlights...it felt like we were three alices in wonder/nightmare-land...all those giant, gloomy trees along the roadsides, impending over our heads...dark and endless fields around us...the moon and the stars in the distant sky above us...and friday the 13th!!!...we were full of excitement, fear and trembling...it was unforgettable!...

...i'm not here...this isnt happening...travesty of life, parody of myself, imitation of happiness...beyond the frames of reality...create your own instead...this world is so fragile...too fragile...


"all we need is LOVE, love, love..."

..fill yourself with it
..and forget the rest

...just a bunch of fucking fakers...

(english's finally over)

....so we go, and we go...and there we are - ken's amazingly big apartment with a really "hu-uge" water pipe standing rigth on the table...we sit down in a line again - me-brittany-mads, and ken starts on preparing all the shit for the water pipe...then we start smoking, and that bastard (ken, i mean) sits his arse right next to me!...(brittany, heelp!)..but she seems to be too concerned with mads to pay attention to my being caught in "ken-trap" again...though, after a while, during our conversation with ken (which goes: ken-"wanna see my room??...", me-"er..no,thanks..", -"are you sure?...what about the balcony?...you havent seen it yet, have you?...there's a gorgeous sight from up there!..") i suddenly hear brittany's innocently astonished exclamation "do you want to fuck her in the balcony?!?!?!"...it just cracks me up!...i start laughing like hell, and ken goes red staring at brittany, as if he wanted to cut her tongue out, then smash her scull and watch the brain leaking through that hole...all in all, the situation is pretty funny, and all, but ken, cant help laughing...then mads suggests that fucking in "an alley" is much better, to which brittany immediately contradicts, and that leads us to another interesting discussion (no comments on that - too long)...then brittany and mads start kissing again, and i sit there hoping that ken would not want to follow their example...but he obviously wants to, and attempts to hug me (bloody prick!!!!), but i just cant resist it anymore and turn to brittany for the promissed help saying "oh, hun, why dont we....(dont actually remember what i said)"...but she, of course, understands that it's just an outcry for help and going "so, what are you, guys, doing here?" gently squeezes in between me and ken (god save brittany!)...that helps it a lot, but you shouldve seen poor ken's face after being separeted from me...he looked sooo disappointed and upset, i even started to feel sorry for him;p (joking, of course)...so, the line now goes mads-me-brittany-ken, and sitting next to mads is much better than to ken, i must admit...he turns out to be a very interesting (and a little weird) person, who is extremely exciting to talk to...

(have to run home now)

...so,here we go again...i see ken...going in my direction with that strange sort of determination in his eyes...i look around, desperately hoping to see brittany/caroline/at least the bouncer around to save me, but no one's there..meanwhile, ken is already standing in front of me, happily smiling like a bloody clown and asking me about how i am doing and all that shit...blah-blah-blah..and brittany with mads (that turned out to be the name of the mysterious hippie guy) suddenly appear out of nowhere..(the help from above!!)..all 4 of us sit down on the cosy leather sofa and start talking about who's who (as not all the participants know each other) and what we shall do next...during the conversation, we find out that ken's got "a hu-uge water pipe" at home, and since the only person he lives with is his room-mate (the guitar player i know), and he obviously doesnt give a fuck about what ken's doing when he's home, brittany suggests we go to his place to smoke...i feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but she keeps telling me that she wont leave me with alone with ken, wont let him get too close to me etc..all of it sounds rather plausible, so i finally agree, and we start our little journey to ken's place...


(gotta go, have english now)

...love to the one reading all this

...no, dont want to write what happened after that...not because it was something horribly indecent...just cause i dont want to...all i want right now is to go home, lay in bed, close my eyes and find myself in my old apartment back home when i open them again..just like that..."one, two, three, four"...then put on Kid A full blast and listen to Thom's genuine advice on how to disappear completely...again and again...still trying to persuade myself that everything's in its right place...

...although its not...

..so here's the continuation....jacob leaves, and i'm standind there thinking "what the hell was that suppose to mean??.." but no one sems to be willing to explain..meanwhile, the band gets on stage again, and the concert goes on...i look around trying to find out where brittany and caroline is, and what exposes to my sight is brittany sitting on some long-haired, hippie-looking guy...all right, then...she found what she's been looking for...not willing to disturb their intimate little conversation i make my way through the crowd, still hoping to find caroline..and there she is!...standing at the entrance..and as an answer to my question "what the fuck are you doing here?" i hear "waiting for pepe to bring us some weed to smoke.."...wow! i didnt know we were going to smoke...(and who the heck is pepe?..) well then..i leave her where she is and turn around to go inside again, when somebody grabs me by the arm..(oh my god!! not ken, please!)...i turn around and see...guess who???..the bouncer!...(what now? i'm not one of those under-18s)...but it turns out the the chap just wants to talk, since he's just found out that i'm not one of the locals...it sems kinda interesting for him to talk to a foreigner..well,that's absolutely all right with me, as long as he keeps the distance...so, we stand there and chat, and after a while i finally get inside to see the rest of the concert...brittany's still at her place, but the difference now is that she and that guy are passionately kissing...i spend a bit of time inside, watching ken showing off with his keyboard and giving me these suspiciously ambiguous looks...that is quite difficult to resist, i must admit, so i decide to come see if caroline's still outside...i go past the bouncer, and he grabs me again!...this time our conversation ends up with him writing "NO drinking" on my arm with a thick, black soft-tip pen ...after me saying something funny to him, he grabs me, sits me on his back and carries me back inside again..but that is not where i wanted to go!, so i attempt to go otside again, but the funny bastard grabs me again and starts to tickle!!!...this is one of the few thing i'm extremely afraid of, so i beg him to stop (as the resistance against such a big and massive guy is useless) and he eventually does..then gets me on his back again and carries me outside...(Jesus! at least i got there!)..caroline, to my surprise, is not there, so it was all just a waste of time...but, whatever...i get inside (for the fucking 1000th time!) and notice that the concert's over...and then i see ken....ooooh my....

(pause for a drink)

to be continued again;)

...ok, kids, so here's the story...(i simply have to immortalize it into the course of history!!)...last wednesday...not having to go to school (some religiuos crap), caroline, brittany and me decide to drag ourselves to "pitstop"...but before that - go to "knuds garage" for a couple of beers...so, we get there...some absolutely smashed guy buys each one of us a vodka shot, then we fill ourselves with pints of pilsener and after singing along to our bud playing a couple of nirvana songs (i wonder how he could even pluck the strings being soo wasted!) we eventually go outside, heading for "pitstop"...feeling qite tipsy already, we are desperetely trying to get in for free, and after a long, long (almost neverending) and impulsive coversation with the bouncer we finally elbow our way through the crowd standing at the entrance...inside - soo many people, so stifling and hot (but very encouraging though)...the band is already on stage...i know one guitar player and the guy playing the keyboard..he is such a bastard!!...last time i saw him in "pitstop" he was continuously trying to kiss me, telling me i was all hot and sweet and all that shit...but i SURELY resisted his masterly seduction then..so, the gig starts, and all the people rush closer to the stage, and we nearly get carried away by the flow...after an hour of dancing and "shouting along" we get extremely exhausted and go get some more passioncider...(a magical and incredibly delicious drink all 3 of us are addicted to)...then another bud - jacob comes over and goes "hey, why dont you get on stage while the band's playing and give ken a kiss???" (ken is that obsessive guy who's been attempting to entice me and pluralistically playing the keyboard in that band called "run for cover")...i get absolutely stunned by such a frivilous request and timidly answer "no, i'm afraid thats not possible", but jacob goes on persisting "come on, julie, just one kiss on the cheek! he'd be so chuffed! he likes you soo much!"...i get more confused, but imperturbable indeed...than jacob (to my great astonishment) kisses me on the cheak (another one!..) and saying "...think about it!" (which sonds rather ambiguous) disappears in the crowd..


...to be continued (tired of typing and feeling an urge for a cup of coffee)...

oh yes, yes, yes!..i finally got to this goddamn computer!...no,just joking...still feeling sick (caughing like bloody hell and sneezing every minute)...still am "accidents waiting" and desperately hoping (at least 1!! 1 miracle for me, pleeeeease!!)...well, but tomorrow i'm going home...to my lovely keyboard again!.. (love you,my baby!)
...and the question still remains - why does every fucking one stare at me every time i go out????....

(your suggestions are more than welcome!)

so funny, looks like im getting addicted to writing in this fuckin journal:)...hehe, wouldve never guessed that...but, whatever...there are so many things now im addicted to, so, one more - one less, doesnt really matter...

am at my parents' now..feels so boring, so dumb, so lonely and isolated...thanks god (or whatever there is) ive got some snuff with me..and a perspective of having a couple of Baileys is blurry floating somewhere ahead of me...sound not so bad..my folks are cool sometimes...yeah,sometimes...

IN ALCHOLOL WE TRUST

(shit! i forgot to bring my keyboard...)

and, oh!...i wouldve said ""fuck you all" if id been just like you...but i wont...im so special...unique id say

brand-new old feelings, too dark bright eyes, slightly heavy heart...full of odds and ends...why does it feel so familiar again???

...here i am now...entertain me!...
...oh,but youd better not...ive had so much of that...too much...how does it feel?.. "empty"..but its a word!...just a word...so, it doesnt really describe anythingt..no words to express it..no feelings to cherish...not anymore...why have them?...FUN FUN FUN FUN...until your eyes do not react to the daylight, and you thoughts are not yours at all...

until you are lost..

in someone else...