The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the
teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen
eggs, but when they hatched
we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story
Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the
way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the
machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with
her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could...'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father ?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Chancellor before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Darling, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re~elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Alistair's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end ?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Gordon. "Amen", said Alistair.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom - Dick's Last Resort: Dallas , Texas )

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea: Tucson , Arizona )

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library - Duke University : Durham , North Carolina .)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom - Murphy's: Champaign , IL .)

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
(Sign over one of the urinals - Ed Debevic's: Phoenix , AZ. )

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(The Bayou: Baton Rouge , Louisiana .)

God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
(The Tombs Restaurant: Washington , D.C. )

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
(The Irish Times: Washington , D.C. )

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
(Smoky Joe's - Philadelphia , PA. )

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
(Armand's Pizza - Washington , D.C. )

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? CONGRESS!
(Men's restroom - House of Representatives: Washington , D.C. )

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books: New York , New York )

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust on the back of a bus: Wickenburg , Arizona )

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library - Harvard University : Cambridge , Massachusetts .)

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
(Men's restroom - American University : Washington , D.C. )
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom - The Filling Station: Bozeman , Montana )

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
(Men's Room - Linda's Bar and Grill: Chapel Hill , North Carolina .)

No wonder you always go home alone.
(Sign over mirror in Men's restroom - Ed Debevic's: Beverly Hills , CA .)

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" - it's "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81, WV.)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom - Murphy's: Champaign , IL .)

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
(Men's restroom - Greasewood Flats: Scottsdale , Arizona )

What are you looking on the wall for? The joke’s in your hands.
(Men's rest room - Lynagh's: Lexington , KY. )

You're too good for him.
(Sign over mirror in Women's restroom - Ed Debevic's: Beverly Hills , CA .)

SOME parents can be cruel – or down right stupid – when naming their kids.
SUE AGE - Born Glasgow, 1849.
PETER PIDDLE - Baptized Fowey, Cornwall, 1649.
ENEMA BOTTOMLEY WOOD - Died Huddersfield, 1904.
SEYMOUR BUST - Born Halstead, Essex, 1841.
PLEASANT TITTY - Baptized Margate, Kent, 1768.
(She was named after her mom — so the family had a pair of Pleasant Tittys.)
SEXEY BUTT - Born Dundry, Somerset, 1803.
EFFING DICK - Born Glasgow, 1848.
WILLY MUSCLE - Born Holme, Huntingdonshire, 1685.
GOLDEN BALLS - Baptized Aylsham, Norfolk, 1813.
KENNETH McSHAGGER - Born Scotland, 1841.
WILLIE STRETCH - Born Winsford, Cheshire, 1894.
NANCY BOYS - Born Brighton, 1842.
MAD LOONEY - Died Warwicks, 1894.
CONSTANT PAIN - Born Hackney, London, 1901.
MINNIE BAR - Baptized Galston, Ayr, 1761.
AL DENTE - Born Whitechapel, London, 1900.
POSTHUMOUS MINCE - Died Greenwich, Kent, 1839.
AGNES ETTA PEPPER - Born Ipswich, 1881.
EASTER BUNNY - Born Yorkshire, 1851.
KITTY LITTER - Born Marston, Cheshire, 1839.
HOLLY BERRY - Born Barnsley, 1880.
PEARLY GATES - Married Westminster, 1996.
RICK O’SHEA - Married Kennington, London, 1864.
SENSITIVE REDHEAD - Born Bridlington, E Yorks, 1873.
JIMMY RIDDLE - Born Melrose, Midlothian, 1648
PETE SAKE - Born Cheshire, 1840.
PECULIAR BUTTERY - Married Wolverhampton, 1871.
ALICE MAY FALL - Born Shoreditch, London, 1894.
NICHOLAS STREAKER - Born Durham, 1747.
LETTICE SPRAY - Baptized Greasley, Notts, 1633.
IRIS TEW - Died Chester, 1985.
DICK BRAIN - Born Stoke-on-Trent, 1871.
TURD COLLAR - Born Ireland, 1821.
TERESA FARTWANGLER - Born Usk, Monmouth, 1828.
PHILIP PLONKER - Baptized Shalford, Surrey, 1632.
WILLY LEAK - Born Poplar, London, 1886.
ANICE BOTTOM - Baptized Dewsbury, W Yorks, 1837.
IVA LONGBOTTOM - Born Balby, S Yorks, 1899.
TRANNIE PICKUP - Born Portsmouth, 1853.
SILLY TROLLOPE - Born Doncaster, 1894.
DICK HANDLER - Baptized Earls Colne, Essex, 1585.
JOYCE MOODY NUTTER - Died Braintree, Essex, 2001.
HUGH SWELLING - Born Ireland, 1811.
PHIL GRAVES - Died Rotherham 1879.
DEMOSTHENES CUPPA - Married London, 1886.
BASIL LEAF - Born York, 1895.
LARGE BEE - Born Notts, 1829.
LOW FEE - Married Chorlton, Cheshire, 1908.
COLLY FLOWER - Father of girl married in Soho, London, 1797.
MAUD STALE BUN - Born Sunderland, 1851.
LOW FAT - Married Cardiff, 1905.
FAY KING - Died Bromley, Kent, 1998.
SANDY BEACH - Born East London, 1899.
DAILY BONER - Born Hernhill, Kent, 1898.

It may take a minute to load but worth it.

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4,
1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .

Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in
Dutch - but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what
Happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer,
who has too much time on his hands.

Click link below and enjoy - you need sound to enjoy it best!!

http://producten.hema.nl/

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'Jesus, the feckin' stupid animal is so damn easily amused'
And then I realised that.......... I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

Британские служащие целый день проработали в своем офисе абсолютно голыми. По мнению руководства компании, нудизм на рабочем месте содействует сплочению коллектива.

Эксперимент, предложенный психологом Дэвидом Тэйлором, проходил в офисе одной из компаний, занимающихся маркетингом и дизайном, в городе в Ньюкасл-апон-Тайн. Как предположил психолог, массовое обнажение должно сплотить коллектив и улучшить нравственную атмосферу в офисе, передает The Daily Telegraph.

Услуги Тэйлора компании потребовались после того, как из-за финансового кризиса там были уволены несколько сотрудников. Остальные начали бояться, что их постигнет та же участь, что породило взаимное недоверие в коллективе. Чтобы преодолеть взаимные подозрения, психолог предложил сотрудникам провести рабочий день полностью обнаженными.

Большинство сотрудников согласились раздеться, сообщает издание. Исключение составили лишь трое: мужчина, который остался в обтягивающих плавках, и одна из двух работающих в офисе женщин – она не решилась снять черную комбинацию.

По словам сотрудников офиса, эксперимент достиг своей цели. «В первые минуты мы все очень нервничали, но вскоре после того, как я села за свой стол, я почувствовала себя вполне комфортно и забыла о том, что на мне нет одежды. В итоге мы прониклись друг к другу большим доверием, и компания получила хороший толчок в своем развитии», – рассказала The Daily Telegraph не постеснявшаяся оголиться сотрудница.

http://gazeta.ru/social/2009/07/02/kz_3218318.shtml

"Кто ворует мало, сидит в тюрьме.
Кто ворует много, сидит в Кремле.
Свидетели сидят за границей."

(rsfwater)