Недавно я переживала... где-то месяца два назад, что я одинока и никому не нужна... и вот жалела себя и стоило кому-то обратить на меня внимание как я сразу обрушивала свой нераскрытый потенциал нериализованных желаний... все заканчивалась быстро.. или человек пугался... или я пугалась себя и уходила в тень... Потом как-то встретила в чате человека... общались мало, но показался таким родным! :) Я нечего не говоила, но он намного старше меня и все понял сам! Он поддержал меня, благодаря ему я не впала безисходный депресняк и посеял мне добро и веру... хотя в моей душе куча сорняков, но все равно пока они не могут победить... и мне кажется, что постепенно мое мировоззрение меняется... он также написал мне четыре строчки, которые помогают мне в трудную минуту!

Надежда, ты оглянись вокруг-
Ведь где-то есть твой верный друг!
Твоя защита, рыцарь верный твой!
Увидишь- так хватай, глаза не врут.

И может эти строки не гениальны, но они явились тем бальзамом, которые пролился на мое израненное сердце...

P.S. Да, к слову... свою любовь он нашел в 30 с лишним лет и увидел ее после 2 лет знакомства... и поверьте, я уверена, что этот человек СЧАСТЛИВ!

Название Kurt Cobain Murdered
Автор Ian Halperin
Издание Canadian Disk: Canada's Only [Compact] Review
Дата June
Заметки © Ian Halperin

Two days after the body of Kurt Cobain was found at his Madrona, Washington home, Courtney Love showed up at a vigil for her dead husband at a Seattle park and declared his death a tragic suicide. On a tape, she read excerpts from the note reportedly found beside his body to the 7,000 fans gathered to mourn the death of their hero. Media and police reports were already describing his "self-inflicted" gunshot wounds. Case closed. But, in a joint investigation with Ottawa's alternative radio station CKCU-FM, Canadian Disk has discovered many doubts about the suicide theory by those close to the case, a number harges that Cobain was actually murdered. The mystery begins on April 1, 1994 - a week before Cobain's body was found. On that day, he disappeared from a Los Angeles drug detoxication centre after telling the staff he was going outside for a cigarette.

When Courtney Love was informed of her husband's disappearance, she immediately cancelled his credit cards and hired the well-known Los Angeles private investigator Tom Grant to track down Cobain. Meanwhile, Cobain flew to Seattle and returned briefly to his Madrona home before disappearing again for the last time before his body was found in a room above the garage by an electrician on April 8. Beside the body was a shotgun and what was assumed to be a suicide note. Within hours, the world was told that the angst-ridden voice of a generation had taken a shotgun, placed it to his head and pulled the trigger. Copycat suicides by mournful fans were reported all over the world. Psychologists were trotted out by the media to explain the underlying motives for such an act.

Despite the open-and-shut case portrayed by the media, however, Seattle Police department investigators called to the scene were apparently not so convinced it was a suicide. The investigation was assigned to the Homicide Squad, who were reluctant to close then book on the case. For the next five weeks, an intensive investigation took place by homicide detectives who interviewed everybody remotely connected to Cobain, including friends, family and even his heroin dealer. Only in May did the Department officially close the case and declare the death a suicide. Homicide Squad Sergeant Don Cameron, the investigating detective, told Canadian Disk the department wanted to be extra cautious because of the high profile of the case. "We looked at everything," he said, "and there was no doubt it was suicide". According to a source in the department, there was a fierce debate within the department about the possibility of murder. It's likely the lack of consensus was caused by a number of still unexplained events surrounding the death.

The most puzzling of these concerns Cobain's credit card transactions. After Love cancelled her husband's credit card on April 1, his bank reports a number of attempts to use the card during the following week. Several rejected charges ranging from $86.60 to $5,000 are reported on April 3rd and 4th, during the period when Cobain was missing but still alive. The Medical Examiner report states Cobain died on April 6. However, there are at least two attempted charges on the credit card after this date. Why? Cameron said police still don't know who was trying to use Cobain's credit card for days after he died.

A good part of the investigation is said to have focused on Courtney Love, although Cameron insists she wasn't a suspect. A heroin addict and former stripper known to be highly unstable, Love's relationship with Cobain was extremely stormy and had attracted the attention of police in the past.

On March 18, for example, Love called the police to report that her husband was armed and suicidal after he locked himself in a room with a gun at their home. But when police arrived, Cobain claimed he was hiding from Love and had locked himself in to protect himself. A number of witnesses have also reported heated public quarrels between Cobain and Love in the weeks before his death. The most public break from the official version, however, comes from Tom Grant, the Beverly Hills private investigator Love hired to track the missing Cobain. Grant says after his investigation, he became convinced Cobain's death wasn't a suicide. He says he analysed the note found besides Cobain's body and concluded that it is not a suicide note at all but rather a message to fans that he was withdrawing from the music industry - not from life. Grant says when he enlared the note, he discovered a line at the bottom was written by someone else.

The last paragraph of Cobain's note reads, "I'm too much of an erratic, moody person that I don't have the passion any more. So remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, love and empathy, Kurt Cobain." Grant, who worked for seven years as an LA County Sheriff's deputy before becoming a private detective 20 years ago, believes someone stuck a gun in Cobain's mouth and pulled the trigger while he was so full of heroin that he didn't know what was happening to him. The medical examiner's report found massive doses of opiates in Cobain's body. L.A. private investigator Tom Grant says police claim Cobain had propped a stool up against a door so it would have been impossible for anyone else to be in the same room when the gun went off. Grant's investigation, however, found that the stool was in front of two other unlocked doors that led to a balcony.

Immediately after Grant espoused his theory, he was fired by Love. The investigator claims the Seattle Police haven't conducted a proper investigation and ther's been a lot of important facts overlooked. He strongly believes more than one person was involved in the murder. Sergeant Cameron, however, says the Police brought in their own hadwriting expert who concluded the not was genuine. "If he brought us some evidence to back up his thoery, we would be glad to reopen the case", said Cameron. "But so far he's given us nothing."

Kevin Campbell, spokesperson for Courtney Love's LA-based PR company, PMK, said "Grant's claims all fizzled out as quickly as they came. He said a lot of things to create a brouhaha but as far as we're concerned, the case is closed." Love's lawyer, Barry Tarlow, refused to comment on Grant's allegations.

In early March, Cobain overdosed on pills and champagne while in rome and lapsed into a near-fatal coma. Love claimed it was a suicide attempt, although Cobain insisted it was an accident. A number of people close to Cobain, however, still have nagging doubts about whether he would commit suicide and leave behind the baby daughter that he cherished.

Anna Woolverston is a Seattle music journalist who covered Cobain for years in several music publications including the Rocket and Alternative Press and now works at Sub Pop Records. "I certainly wouldn't rule out murder", says Woolverston. "He was cremated so their's not much of the body to investigate but I find it very strange that he would take his own life because he loved his daughter so much. He lived for her. "The buzz around Los Angeles and Seattle is that Tom Grant is waiting to reveal his best evidence for a lucrative book or magazine deal this summer." Stay tuned.

With additional reporting by Max Wallace

Название Never Mind
Автор Bruce Handy
Издание TIME Domestic
Дата April 18, 1994 Volume 143, No. 16
Заметки

Kurt Cobain was the dour, brilliant leader of Nirvana, the multiplatinum grunge band that defined the sound of the 1990's. Last week he killed himself.

TIME Domestic April 18, 1994 Volume 143, No. 16
By Bruce Handy Reported by Lisa McLaughlin/New York, Jeffrey Ressner/Los Angeles and Dave Thompson/Seattle

The last weeks of Kurt Cobain's life were filled with turmoil and anguish - and gossip. Rumors floated through the music industry that the singer-songwriter's band, Nirvana, was breaking up; that Cobain, who had survived a tranquilizer-induced coma just six weeks earlier, had suffered another overdose. The stories seemed to be justified when the group unexpectedly backed out of headlining the Lollapalooza tour this summer.

The truth, it turns out, was that Cobain, who claimed to have overcome an addiction to heroin, was indeed abusing unspecified drugs. A record-industry source told TIME that two weeks ago Cobain's wife Courtney Love, front woman for the group Hole, gathered doctors and friends together in Seattle, the couple's home, to try to scare Cobain into dealing with his problem; Nirvana's managers even threatened to drop Cobain from their roster unless he got cleaned up. The intervention seemed to work, for Cobain checked into a California treatment center. But according to a missing-persons report filed by his mother, he fled early last week. Seattle police periodically checked Cobain's house, finding no traces of the singer.

Last Friday, an electrician visited the house to install a security system. When no one answered the front door, he walked around the house, peering through windows. He thought he saw a mannequin sprawled on the floor, until he noticed a splotch of blood by its ear. When police and the coroner broke down the door, they found Cobain dead on the floor, a shotgun still pointed at his chin and, on a nearby counter, a suicide note penned in red ink, reportedly ending with the words "I love you, I love you", addressed, a source said, to Love and the couple's 19-month-old daughter Frances Bean.

Kurt Cobain, dead at 27. The news came as a shock to millions of rock fans, and MTV pre-empted its usual programming for hours of J.F.K.-like mourning, with a somber Kurt Loder playing the Walter Cronkite role. Given Cobain's talent and influence, however, the reaction was understandable. Nirvana came from the music-industry equivalent of nowhere, with a rough-edged first album recorded for a chiselly $606. The next, Nevermind, released 2? years ago, contained a series of crunching, screaming songs that also had catchy melodies, part punk, part Beatles. Selling almost 10 million copies and knocking Michael Jackson's Dangerous from the top of the charts, the album fibrillated the psyche of a generation. It also launched the commercial vogue for grunge and made Seattle famous for something other than cappuccino, rain and bad professional sports. Before long, equally abrasive Seattle groups like Pearl Jam (a Nirvana rival), Mudhoney and Alice in Chains joined Nirvana high on the charts. The New Liverpool, Rolling Stone called the city in early 1992 (launching searches for the New Seattle).

Cobain was at the center of it all, the John Lennon of the swinging Northwest, a songwriter with a gift for searing lyrics as well as seductive hooks, a performer with a play of facial еxprеssiоns so edgy and complicated that they rivaled Jack Nicholson's.

If the loss of an oddly magnetic, brilliant musician was jolting, though, the manner of his death was not entirely unexpected. Cobain spoke so openly on the subjects of drugs and depression and suicide that writers searching for easy obituary ironies didn't have to look very hard. Cobain himself even began joking about it; a song called I Hate Myself and I Want to Die was recorded but dropped from the last album. "It was totally satirical, making fun of ourselves", Cobain told a reporter earlier this year. "I'm thought of as this pissy, complaining, freaked-out schizophrenic who wants to kill himself all the time. I thought it was a funny title."

Love, an alternative-rock star in her own right, was in Los Angeles at the time of Cobain's death but reportedly flew to Seattle Friday morning. While talking to the pop-music critic Robert Hilburn of the Los Angeles Times early last week, Love broke into tears describing her husband's recently fragile condition. "I just don't ever want to see him on the floor like that again. He was blue", she told Hilburn, recalling Cobain's overdose in Rome last month. "I thought I went through a lot of hard times over the years, but this has been the hardest." A source who had been close to Cobain confirms what now seems obvious: the European incident, labeled an accident at the time, was an unsuccessful suicide attempt. "You don't take 50 pills by accident", notes the source. Two weeks after returning to Seattle from Rome, Love had to call police when Cobain locked himself in a room along with some of the guns he enjoyed keeping around the house; police removed four weapons that day, including a Colt AR-15 semiautomatic rifle.

Growing up in the depressed logging town of Aberdeen on Washington's Pacific coast, Cobain had, by his account, a relatively happy childhood until his parents, a cocktail waitress and an auto mechanic, got divorced. He was only eight at the time, and he claimed the traumatic split fueled the anguish in Nirvana's music. He shuttled back and forth between various relatives, even finding himself homeless at one point and living under a bridge. His budding artistry and iconoclastic attitude didn't win him many fans in high school; instead, he attracted beatings from "jocks and moron dudes", as an old friend once put it. Cobain got even by spray-painting QUEER on his tormentors' pickup trucks.

Cobain formed and reformed a series of bands before Nirvana finally coalesced in 1986 as an uneasy alliance among Cobain, bassist Krist Novoselic (a hometown friend) and eventually drummer Dave Grohl. Cobain married Love in 1992, when the band was first peaking on the charts, when she was already pregnant with Frances Bean, and when both parents had already developed heroin habits (Love claims to have kicked hers immediately after finding out she was pregnant). "It's a whirling dervish of emotion, all these extremes of fighting and loving each other at once", is how Cobain described the marriage last year, proudly showing off nasty fingernail scratches on his back.

It was Nirvana's unexpected stardom that seemed to eat at him. He appeared unusually tortured by success, even in a profession famous for containing people who are tortured by success. "He was a very bright, sweet, generous and a caring individual, perhaps a little too sweet and sensitive for the business he was in", says Michael Azerrad, author of Come as You Are: The Story of Nirvana. Danny Goldberg, the former head of Nirvana's management company who now runs Atlantic Records, says, "In all the years I knew him, he had very mixed feelings about being on this planet." Goldberg remembers another of the band's handlers once asking the singer why he was moping. "I'm awake, aren't I?" Cobain replied.

He suffered the usual torments of the underground poet moving into the mainstream, and was worried that his band had sold out, that it was attracting the wrong kind of fans (e.g., the guys who used to beat him up). True, he liked the money that went with mall-rat adulation. But in interviews he exuded a pain beyond standard-issue superstar whining. He said his heroin use was a kind of self-medication for stomach pains, but what he really seemed in search of was psychic equilibrium.

"None of this would have happened had he not been famous", insists Daniel House, a friend of Cobain's and the owner of an independent record label in Seattle. "When Nirvana started catching on, he was kind of bewildered. His music was so personal, it amazed him when people came out in droves to hear it."

They were there, though, because Cobain conveyed meaning and even beauty in his harsh recordings. His lyrics could be sour, occasionally frightening if opaque. Take these simultaneously blase and acerbic lines from the group's biggest hit, Smells Like Teen Spirit: "And I forget just why I taste/ Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile/ I found it hard, it was hard to find/ Oh well, whatever, never mind." Cobain's sometimes fierce, sometimes weary growl, the sometimes convulsive, sometimes grating guitars, the very loud drums: all of it communicated anger, maybe loathing, definitely passion, no matter how inchoate.

His subject was the same perennial, youthful fury captured by the Sex Pistols, before they too self-destructed, and by the Who, before Pete Townshend survived to purvey nostalgia to Broadway theatergoers. Youthful nihilism may not be new, but no artist invents all his materials; it's what he does with them that counts, and Cobain wrote great rock songs as he explored a familiar theme with genius.

Last year a journalist visited a home he and Love were renting before they moved into the house in which Cobain would end his life. He had decorated one of the walls with this graffito: NONE OF YOU WILL EVER KNOW MY INTENTIONS. It could serve as his credo as well as his epitaph. "Guess we won't be getting the deposit back on the house", he joked.

Название Cobain to Fans: Just Say No; Nirvana's New Father Addresses Drug Use
Автор Robert Hilburn
Издание Los Angeles Times
Дата September 21, 1992
Заметки © The Times Mirror Company

Copyright © 1992 The Times Mirror Company
Los Angeles Times
September 21, 1992, Monday, Home Edition
Section: Calendar; Page: F-1
Byline: Robert Hilburn; Times Pop Music Critic


"I don't want my daughter to grow up and someday be hassled by kids at school... I don't want people telling her that her parents were junkies."

Kurt Cobain, the 25-year-old leader of the acclaimed and hugely successful rock group Nirvana, is sitting in the living room of his Hollywood Hills apartment, holding Frances, his and Courtney Love's 4-week-old baby.

It's Cobain's first formal interview in almost a year, and it takes time to open up.

A shy, sensitive man, he speaks easily about his daughter, but there's one thing he's uncomfortable talking about even though he knows he has to.

Nirvana is the hottest new band to come along in years, and several of the articles on the group have speculated about Cobain's alleged drug use.

He now admits that he's used drugs, including heroin, but never as much as has been rumored or reported in the rock press. He also says in a quiet, but forceful way, that he is now drug-free.

"There's nothing better than having a baby", says Cobain disarmingly. "I've always loved children. I used to work summers at the YMCA and be in charge of like 30 preschool kids."

"I knew that when I had a child, I'd be overwhelmed and it's true... I can't tell you how much my attitude has changed since we've got Frances. Holding my baby is the best drug in the world."

Yet Cobain, whose music speaks eloquently about the anger and alienation of youth, worries that the persistent rumors are threatening to turn him into a stereotype of a wasted rock 'n' roller. He also doesn't want to be a bad role model for the group's teen-age fans.

He knows some people won't believe him when he says drugs are no longer part of his life, but he still feels compelled to speak out.

"I would say I tried to set the record straight", he says, when asked how he'd respond to someone who questions his sincerity. "That's all I can do. We have a lot of young fans and I don't want to have anything to do with inciting drug use. People who promote drug use are (expletive). I chose to do drugs. I don't feel sorry for myself at all, but I have nothing good to say about them. They are a total waste of time."

If you watched the recent MTV Video Awards and didn't know much about Nirvana and all the drug rumors, you would have been puzzled when Cobain looked into the camera after accepting a best new artist award and said, "It's really hard to believe everything you read."

But it was no mystery to the millions of fans who have either bought Nirvana's debut album, "Nevermind", or have fallen under the spell of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", the band's wry hit single. They thought they knew exactly what he was talking about: the heroin rumors.

While his wife--leader of the band Hole--watches a tape of the MTV Awards show in an adjoining room, Cobain, wearing a T-shirt and jeans, talks at length about what he only alluded to during the MTV telecast.

"I've been accused of being a junkie for years... back way before 'Nevermind'", he says, his face tense as he wrestles with the subject. "I know that a lot of it has to do with the vibes that I put off... the things I'd be doing during tours... backstage when writers would come in to see us.

"I've had this terrible stomach problem for years and that has made touring difficult. People would see me sitting in the corner by myself looking sick and gloomy. The reason is that I was trying to fight against the stomach pain, trying to hold my food down. People looked at me and assumed I was some kind of addict."

The continuing stomach problem--which he says doctors have been unable to diagnose--is aggravated by stress and bad eating habits on the road. This is a central reason Nirvana has done so little touring in recent months, he says.

On the issue of drugs, he says he "dabbled" with heroin for several years, defining "dabble" as maybe once or twice a year.

"It didn't bother me at first (when people started talking or writing about possible drug use) because I've always admired Keith Richards and all these other rock stars who were associated with heroin. There had been some type of glamour element to it."

The "dabbling", however, changed dramatically after the "Nevermind" album was released last fall.

Until that album, Nirvana was an underground group--one of many admired bands from the suddenly hot Seattle alternative-rock scene.

Formed in 1986, the trio--also now featuring bassist Chris Novoselic and drummer Dave Grohl--combined punk independence and energy with a melodic pop sense that at times is reminiscent of the Beatles, which was the first rock group ever to catch Cobain's ear.

"Bleach", the band's 1990 debut album on tiny Sub Pop Records, sold less than 50,000 copies, but it touched a nerve in critics, fans and record companies around the country.

The group was then signed by DGC Records, part of the powerful Geffen Records complex. "Nevermind", released in the fall of 1991, turned the band into stars almost overnight. The album, which went to No. 1 on the pop charts, has sold more than 4 million copies in the United States alone. Cobain was hailed as an artist with the imagination and depth to become a voice for the 90's.

While it was Cobain's songwriting skills that enabled the band to achieve mainstream success, it was his link to the underground/punk world that made him uneasy in the mainstream spotlight. Not only did the mainstream represent compromise and superficiality to him, but he also felt overwhelmed by the pressures that were thrust upon him.

"I guess I must have quit the band about 10 different times in the last year", he says, handing the baby to his wife, who has joined him in the living room.

"I'd tell my manager or the band, but most of the time I would just stand up and say to Courtney, 'OK, this is it.' But it would blow over in a day or two... The music is usually what brings me back.

"The biggest thing that affected me was all the insane rumors, the heroin rumors... all this speculation going on. I felt totally violated. I never realized that my private life would be such an issue."

The drug use temporarily escalated, he says, early this year, when the pressure on him was apparently at a peak. The group went on "Saturday Night Live"; Guns N' Roses and Metallica were trying to talk the trio into touring with them this summer, and there was the band's own concerts, including some dates in Australia.

The "Saturday Night Live" period was touched on in a recent Vanity Fair magazine profile of Courtney Love. She is quoted in the story as saying, "We (she and Cobain) got high and went to 'SNL.' After that, I did heroin for a couple of months." The reason the quote became a cause celebre in pop was that Love was pregnant with Frances at the time.

(Love has denied that she knowingly took heroin while pregnant. The magazine, meanwhile, stands by the story.)

Cobain, who also has a home in the Seattle area, says he did develop a "little habit" early this year. "I did heroin for three weeks", he says, flatly, now smoking a cigarette.

"Then I went through a detox program, but my stomach started up again on tour. I was vomiting really bad... couldn't hold anything down.

"We went to this doctor who gave me these tablets that were methadone. By the end of the tour, I had a habit again... and I had to go into detox again to straighten myself out again. That took a really long time... about a month. And that was it."

Danny Goldberg, an Atlantic Records executive who remains one of the managers of the band, confirmed in a separate interview that he's seen a dramatic change in Cobain since last spring.

"Kurt is someone who had a hard time dealing with the unexpected intensity of the success", Goldberg said. "He came from a very difficult background, literally didn't have his own apartment when I first started managing him. Then, in a matter of a few months, he became an international celebrity. He got confused for a while, but seems to have bounced back. He has a healthy baby and is functioning the best I've ever seen him.

Goldberg says he thinks becoming a father has helped Cobain get a perspective on his career and life.

"I believe the day (last spring) I saw a change was when he had these ultrasound (pictures) of the baby. They are like little black-and-white Polaroid photos and you see the baby's hands and things in the womb. He put it up on his wall at home.

"I think that took him out of thinking about himself and made him start thinking about the next phase of his life, where no matter what happens, this person was going to be in his life. He came out of the 'Oh, man, I was a punk rocker and now I'm a rock star and I never wanted to be a rock star' attitude. He was so thrilled about having a baby."

Back in his apartment, Cobain takes his daughter from his wife and reflects on the future. He is looking forward to what he thought only a few months ago might be impossible: recording another album.

"We've been wanting to record a really raw album for almost a year and it looks like we are finally ready to do it", he says. "I have been prescribed some stomach medicine that has helped ease the pain and I've been going to a pain management clinic. I also meditate. We'd like to put the album out before we go on tour again early next year."

He pauses after the mention of touring. The band followed the MTV Awards with concerts in Seattle and Portland, but they were the group's only U.S. dates this year.

"We might not go on any more long tours", he says, hesitantly. "The only way we could tour is if I could find some way to keep my stomach from acting up. We could record and play shows once in a while, but to put myself in the physical strain of seven months of touring is too much for me. I would rather be healthy and alive. I don't want to sacrifice myself or my family."

Oh, come on - mmm...

Now I wanna - smoke marijiuna
Now I wanna - smoke marijiuna
Now I wanna - smoke marijiuna

Fake club soda - extra free
Just got to pour - keep up for me
Fake club soda - extra free
Just got to pour - keep up for me

и конечно же нарыла кучу всего и снова флуд в собствееном дневнике! Прости меня за это, дневничок! Но ОН ТАКОЙ СУПЕРСКИЙ!!!

ГРОЗА! Гроза! ГРОЗА!
Я ТАК ЛЮБЛЮ ЕЕ!!!!
Жаль, что так мало! И нельзя босиком походить по мокрой траве, поднимая к небу лицо и улыбаться после каждого раската грома! :)
ГРОЗА! ТЫ ПРЕКРАСНА!!!!
О! КАКАЯ ЖЕНЩИНА!!!!!!!!



Да, никто не в курсе кто выгрузил все мои данные, пока я предавалась грозе... хм... пойду разберусь с шаловливыми ручками....