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As for poor old Orlando Bloom, where does one start to document the tidal wave of wetness which he brings to these proceedings? No matter how much sea water Verbinski throws at the set, nothing gets as damp as Mr Bland, whose expressions run the gamut from perky to peeved with occasional interludes of petulance.

An early scene finds an imprisoned Keira Knightley saucily telling her fiancé: 'If it weren't for these bars, I'd have you already.' The idea of anyone 'having' this doe-eyed waif is hilarious, and a frightened looking Orlando promptly runs away to sea, leaving a trail of froth in his wake. Knightley, meanwhile, puts her best teeth forward and does her haughty Head Girl act, stopping only to lock lips with Depp in a red herring subplot which will presumably spark some dreary love triangle misunderstanding in Part Three. How on earth will Orlando react? I'm betting on 'prissy'.