I thought I'd kicked my smoking habit for good. Guess not.

**PRIVATE**
The stress is really getting to me. Noriko slept with Miki. She fucking slept with Miki. I wanted to feel sympathetic toward her, but I just couldn't. She knows what he did to me. I can't believe she would do something like that. It's stupid. Tetsuya 'left' her, but not really. He's apparantly staying with his parents to get things straight and probably calm down. He has every right to be pissed. When she said he left her I assumed they were getting a divorce, but I guess not. That's really not something her children need to go through right now.

Second of all, Ryuuen wants to gain full custody of Shiori. I honestly don't see why. Sakano-san isn't neglecting her while she's there. He has a job to do and I know for a fact that Tohma's a slave driver. I doubt he can help working those late hours. I will support Ryuuen in what he's doing because this isn't my affair, I just don't think it's right for him to do that to Sakano-san. I'm sure he tries the best he can.

We went out dancing the other night. He danced on stage. I forgot he used to work at that place. It was amazing and he looked so sexy. I got to be in control that night too. I loved it. I suppose that makes up for the stress.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/14603.html

I really don't understand men sometimes. I just don't.

First, Tatsuha's apparantly still into drugs. I realize how hard it is to kick the habit, but honestly. I would have imagined Yoshiki-san wouldn't allow it, but that may be giving her too much credit. Both of them are far too childish to be living on their own--and with a child of their own too. It's ridiculous. I should say something, but I know Tatsuha won't listen to me. He never does. He says it's getting better, which I really hope is true. I don't want to see him like that.

Secondly, Ryuuen's ex-boyfriend beat him up. Again. I doubt he'll turn him in, though. He was saying something about him losing his child, but that's just stupid. What if he hurts Kenichi? I don't think he deserves that. Ryuuen also said that he was drunk, but what's to stop him from drinking around Kenichi? I won't turn him in because this isn't my business, but really. I love Ryuuen a lot, but he does some really stupid things sometimes. It's irritating.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/14341.html

I really don't understand men sometimes. I just don't.

First, Tatsuha's apparantly still into drugs. I realize how hard it is to kick the habit, but honestly. I would have imagined Yoshiki-san wouldn't allow it, but that may be giving her too much credit. Both of them are far too childish to be living on their own--and with a child of their own too. It's ridiculous. I should say something, but I know Tatsuha won't listen to me. He never does. He says it's getting better, which I really hope is true. I don't want to see him like that.

Secondly, Ryuuen's ex-boyfriend beat him up. Again. I doubt he'll turn him in, though. He was saying something about him losing his child, but that's just stupid. What if he hurts Kenichi? I don't think he deserves that. Ryuuen also said that he was drunk, but what's to stop him from drinking around Kenichi? I won't turn him in because this isn't my business, but really. I love Ryuuen a lot, but he does some really stupid things sometimes. It's irritating.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/14341.html

I really don't understand men sometimes. I just don't.

First, Tatsuha's apparantly still into drugs. I realize how hard it is to kick the habit, but honestly. I would have imagined Yoshiki-san wouldn't allow it, but that may be giving her too much credit. Both of them are far too childish to be living on their own--and with a child of their own too. It's ridiculous. I should say something, but I know Tatsuha won't listen to me. He never does. He says it's getting better, which I really hope is true. I don't want to see him like that.

Secondly, Ryuuen's ex-boyfriend beat him up. Again. I doubt he'll turn him in, though. He was saying something about him losing his child, but that's just stupid. What if he hurts Kenichi? I don't think he deserves that. Ryuuen also said that he was drunk, but what's to stop him from drinking around Kenichi? I won't turn him in because this isn't my business, but really. I love Ryuuen a lot, but he does some really stupid things sometimes. It's irritating.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/14341.html

I honestly don't need this stress right now. It's a wonder how Tatsuha manages to get himself involved in so many dangerous situations. Yoshiki-san and Riku were staying with us until Tatsuha deducted that the people he was spending his time with wanted to kill her, so she's gone to New York. I honestly think that if he were really as mature as he tries to pretend he is things like this wouldn't happen. He may not believe me, but I think he's still too young to be doing things on his own. It's simply ridiculous, and now he's put his family and friends in danger. I don't know what else I can do for him.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/14273.html

I honestly don't need this stress right now. It's a wonder how Tatsuha manages to get himself involved in so many dangerous situations. Yoshiki-san and Riku were staying with us until Tatsuha deducted that the people he was spending his time with wanted to kill her, so she's gone to New York. I honestly think that if he were really as mature as he tries to pretend he is things like this wouldn't happen. He may not believe me, but I think he's still too young to be doing things on his own. It's simply ridiculous, and now he's put his family and friends in danger. I don't know what else I can do for him.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/14273.html

I honestly don't need this stress right now. It's a wonder how Tatsuha manages to get himself involved in so many dangerous situations. Yoshiki-san and Riku were staying with us until Tatsuha deducted that the people he was spending his time with wanted to kill her, so she's gone to New York. I honestly think that if he were really as mature as he tries to pretend he is things like this wouldn't happen. He may not believe me, but I think he's still too young to be doing things on his own. It's simply ridiculous, and now he's put his family and friends in danger. I don't know what else I can do for him.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/14273.html

**Private**
Fucking... things just keep getting better and better, don't they? First Kameko got put in the hospital and Kenichi got kidnapped, then Ryuuen and I fought over the fact that he thinks it's Tohma and I doubt he'd ever kidnap a child, then Hisoka showed back up again, and now I get to find out that my baby is not Ryuuen's. I sure know how to fucking pick the time to leave my husband, don't I? I've considered going back to him... several times today, in fact. I don't think I will, though. I really do love Ryuuen, I'm just trying to decide what is best for my child because apparantly I'm not allowed to be happy. Okay, that's a bit of a lie. I am happy. I was especially this weekend and last night. We went to visit Otousan this past weekend. That was relaxing except for the fact that Eiri told Otousan that Ryuuen beats me. Bullshit, we need to have a talk... Shiori was adorable as well.

Valentine's day was just as wonderful, if not more. Ryuuen made us lunch and then we had a romantic dinner. It felt nice to just sit down and relax with him. I love him so much, and I hope he can love the child I'm going to have as his own, even though it probably will look like Tohma. I've also allowed Tohma to see the child as well. I don't want to cut him off from the child we could never have together.

I started my new job on Monday. That wasn't the best, but I'm getting the hang of it quickly. I'm Tohma's secretary. It certainly feels strange and now that I think about it, neither he nor Ryuuen seem too keen on it. Perhaps this wasn't the best choice. It pays well, that's for sure. All of it is very stressful, though.

I want a fucking cigarette...

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13936.html

**Private**
Fucking... things just keep getting better and better, don't they? First Kameko got put in the hospital and Kenichi got kidnapped, then Ryuuen and I fought over the fact that he thinks it's Tohma and I doubt he'd ever kidnap a child, then Hisoka showed back up again, and now I get to find out that my baby is not Ryuuen's. I sure know how to fucking pick the time to leave my husband, don't I? I've considered going back to him... several times today, in fact. I don't think I will, though. I really do love Ryuuen, I'm just trying to decide what is best for my child because apparantly I'm not allowed to be happy. Okay, that's a bit of a lie. I am happy. I was especially this weekend and last night. We went to visit Otousan this past weekend. That was relaxing except for the fact that Eiri told Otousan that Ryuuen beats me. Bullshit, we need to have a talk... Shiori was adorable as well.

Valentine's day was just as wonderful, if not more. Ryuuen made us lunch and then we had a romantic dinner. It felt nice to just sit down and relax with him. I love him so much, and I hope he can love the child I'm going to have as his own, even though it probably will look like Tohma. I've also allowed Tohma to see the child as well. I don't want to cut him off from the child we could never have together.

I started my new job on Monday. That wasn't the best, but I'm getting the hang of it quickly. I'm Tohma's secretary. It certainly feels strange and now that I think about it, neither he nor Ryuuen seem too keen on it. Perhaps this wasn't the best choice. It pays well, that's for sure. All of it is very stressful, though.

I want a fucking cigarette...

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13936.html

**Private**
Fucking... things just keep getting better and better, don't they? First Kameko got put in the hospital and Kenichi got kidnapped, then Ryuuen and I fought over the fact that he thinks it's Tohma and I doubt he'd ever kidnap a child, then Hisoka showed back up again, and now I get to find out that my baby is not Ryuuen's. I sure know how to fucking pick the time to leave my husband, don't I? I've considered going back to him... several times today, in fact. I don't think I will, though. I really do love Ryuuen, I'm just trying to decide what is best for my child because apparantly I'm not allowed to be happy. Okay, that's a bit of a lie. I am happy. I was especially this weekend and last night. We went to visit Otousan this past weekend. That was relaxing except for the fact that Eiri told Otousan that Ryuuen beats me. Bullshit, we need to have a talk... Shiori was adorable as well.

Valentine's day was just as wonderful, if not more. Ryuuen made us lunch and then we had a romantic dinner. It felt nice to just sit down and relax with him. I love him so much, and I hope he can love the child I'm going to have as his own, even though it probably will look like Tohma. I've also allowed Tohma to see the child as well. I don't want to cut him off from the child we could never have together.

I started my new job on Monday. That wasn't the best, but I'm getting the hang of it quickly. I'm Tohma's secretary. It certainly feels strange and now that I think about it, neither he nor Ryuuen seem too keen on it. Perhaps this wasn't the best choice. It pays well, that's for sure. All of it is very stressful, though.

I want a fucking cigarette...

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/13936.html

A lot has been going on. I finally told Otousan that I'm divorcing Tohma and already dating Ryuuen. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy, but I felt that he should hear that in person. I don't want to have to deal with it over the phone. I didn't mean to let it slip that Tohma shot Ryuuen, but Otousan thought that Ryuuen was a druglord when I said he was in the hospital, I had to set him straight. He should know I wouldn't involve myself with those people anymore.

I went on a date with Tohma the other night. I suppose it was a date, but it really didn't feel like one. He was certainly sweet, but I know the only reason he took me out was because he thinks there's a chance that he can win me back. I don't even know if he wants me as anything less than a wife. It's upsetting to think of things that way, but he seems to have a hard time dealing with all of this. He's not the only one, that's for sure.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13627.html

A lot has been going on. I finally told Otousan that I'm divorcing Tohma and already dating Ryuuen. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy, but I felt that he should hear that in person. I don't want to have to deal with it over the phone. I didn't mean to let it slip that Tohma shot Ryuuen, but Otousan thought that Ryuuen was a druglord when I said he was in the hospital, I had to set him straight. He should know I wouldn't involve myself with those people anymore.

I went on a date with Tohma the other night. I suppose it was a date, but it really didn't feel like one. He was certainly sweet, but I know the only reason he took me out was because he thinks there's a chance that he can win me back. I don't even know if he wants me as anything less than a wife. It's upsetting to think of things that way, but he seems to have a hard time dealing with all of this. He's not the only one, that's for sure.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13627.html

A lot has been going on. I finally told Otousan that I'm divorcing Tohma and already dating Ryuuen. I didn't tell him about the pregnancy, but I felt that he should hear that in person. I don't want to have to deal with it over the phone. I didn't mean to let it slip that Tohma shot Ryuuen, but Otousan thought that Ryuuen was a druglord when I said he was in the hospital, I had to set him straight. He should know I wouldn't involve myself with those people anymore.

I went on a date with Tohma the other night. I suppose it was a date, but it really didn't feel like one. He was certainly sweet, but I know the only reason he took me out was because he thinks there's a chance that he can win me back. I don't even know if he wants me as anything less than a wife. It's upsetting to think of things that way, but he seems to have a hard time dealing with all of this. He's not the only one, that's for sure.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/13627.html

I'm an idiot. Yes, I suppose it runs in the family. I'm in the hospital now, but I'm all right. I should be out tomorrow, if they decide to let me go. Right now I'm only being kept on suicide watch. This is ridiculous. I really shouldn't have done that, I was just so upset, I thought Ryuuen hated me.

Tohma blames himself for it. I told him that it isn't his fault, but I honestly think that it is. I probably shouldn't have jumped to conclusions that time we talked, but it was bothering me. He was completely ignoring me while I knew that Ryuuen would listen to every word I said. It upset me so much, I threatened him with the divorce. I hadn't meant it, but when he told me to go ahead, I figured I might as well since Ryuuen could treat me better than that. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get in so deep with Ryuuen... Tohma begged me to take him back and give him another chance, but I wanted to be with Ryuuen. I guess I've fallen in love with him and I've told them both that. Maybe if I hadn't told Tohma, Ryuuen wouldn't have been hurt.

Yes, Ryuuen's in the hospital too. I was in Kyoto for Christmas then, so I didn't know what was happeneing. I would have done everything in my power to prevent it if I'd been there, though. Tohma threatened Shiori. That's just horrible. How can someone threaten a little girl? Even if he didn't mean it... I suppose I should have known, but it was upsetting all the same for him to manipulate Ryuuen into being obedient while he shot him. He almost shattered his knee. That would have been horrible... it would have prevented Ryuuen from doing things that he loves. Sakano-san stopped me in the parking lot after I saw Ryuuen. He was upset with me, and who could blame him? Though, it was rather annoying for him to think I was going to sit by and do nothing about it. He should know better than that.

I went to see Tohma after that. I was so upset with him. I threatened to hurt myself, but Tohma wouldn't let me. He handed me a gun and told me to shoot him. I should have been able to do it, considering what he did to Ryuuen, but I just couldn't. I couldn't hurt him. Maybe I still care for him... I don't know. He gave me my Christmas present too. I hadn't planned on giving him his, but I might still... if he's civil from now on. Though, he couldn't promise me he wouldn't hurt Ryuuen. That was really upsetting, so I thought it best if I left him. Maybe that would protect him... He took it horribly though. He yelled at me and told me he never wanted to see me again. I was so upset. I went back to the hotel room. Again, stupidity runs in the family. Suicide shouldn't have been the first thing I considered, but it was. I'm just lucky Tatsuha followed me and talked me out of finishing it.

Tatsuha also went to see Tohma. I could tell he was pissed. He had Tohma come and apologize and, I suppose, he also promised to leave Ryuuen and myself alone. That was comforting, but I didn't want him to get involved at all. I wanted to know I could handle things on my own... I guess I can't though. I can't handle my own feelings. Part of me still cares for Tohma, maybe even loves him, despite what he did to Ryuuen. I doubt I'll go back to him now. I have who I want to be with.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13389.html

I'm an idiot. Yes, I suppose it runs in the family. I'm in the hospital now, but I'm all right. I should be out tomorrow, if they decide to let me go. Right now I'm only being kept on suicide watch. This is ridiculous. I really shouldn't have done that, I was just so upset, I thought Ryuuen hated me.

Tohma blames himself for it. I told him that it isn't his fault, but I honestly think that it is. I probably shouldn't have jumped to conclusions that time we talked, but it was bothering me. He was completely ignoring me while I knew that Ryuuen would listen to every word I said. It upset me so much, I threatened him with the divorce. I hadn't meant it, but when he told me to go ahead, I figured I might as well since Ryuuen could treat me better than that. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get in so deep with Ryuuen... Tohma begged me to take him back and give him another chance, but I wanted to be with Ryuuen. I guess I've fallen in love with him and I've told them both that. Maybe if I hadn't told Tohma, Ryuuen wouldn't have been hurt.

Yes, Ryuuen's in the hospital too. I was in Kyoto for Christmas then, so I didn't know what was happeneing. I would have done everything in my power to prevent it if I'd been there, though. Tohma threatened Shiori. That's just horrible. How can someone threaten a little girl? Even if he didn't mean it... I suppose I should have known, but it was upsetting all the same for him to manipulate Ryuuen into being obedient while he shot him. He almost shattered his knee. That would have been horrible... it would have prevented Ryuuen from doing things that he loves. Sakano-san stopped me in the parking lot after I saw Ryuuen. He was upset with me, and who could blame him? Though, it was rather annoying for him to think I was going to sit by and do nothing about it. He should know better than that.

I went to see Tohma after that. I was so upset with him. I threatened to hurt myself, but Tohma wouldn't let me. He handed me a gun and told me to shoot him. I should have been able to do it, considering what he did to Ryuuen, but I just couldn't. I couldn't hurt him. Maybe I still care for him... I don't know. He gave me my Christmas present too. I hadn't planned on giving him his, but I might still... if he's civil from now on. Though, he couldn't promise me he wouldn't hurt Ryuuen. That was really upsetting, so I thought it best if I left him. Maybe that would protect him... He took it horribly though. He yelled at me and told me he never wanted to see me again. I was so upset. I went back to the hotel room. Again, stupidity runs in the family. Suicide shouldn't have been the first thing I considered, but it was. I'm just lucky Tatsuha followed me and talked me out of finishing it.

Tatsuha also went to see Tohma. I could tell he was pissed. He had Tohma come and apologize and, I suppose, he also promised to leave Ryuuen and myself alone. That was comforting, but I didn't want him to get involved at all. I wanted to know I could handle things on my own... I guess I can't though. I can't handle my own feelings. Part of me still cares for Tohma, maybe even loves him, despite what he did to Ryuuen. I doubt I'll go back to him now. I have who I want to be with.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13389.html

I'm an idiot. Yes, I suppose it runs in the family. I'm in the hospital now, but I'm all right. I should be out tomorrow, if they decide to let me go. Right now I'm only being kept on suicide watch. This is ridiculous. I really shouldn't have done that, I was just so upset, I thought Ryuuen hated me.

Tohma blames himself for it. I told him that it isn't his fault, but I honestly think that it is. I probably shouldn't have jumped to conclusions that time we talked, but it was bothering me. He was completely ignoring me while I knew that Ryuuen would listen to every word I said. It upset me so much, I threatened him with the divorce. I hadn't meant it, but when he told me to go ahead, I figured I might as well since Ryuuen could treat me better than that. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself get in so deep with Ryuuen... Tohma begged me to take him back and give him another chance, but I wanted to be with Ryuuen. I guess I've fallen in love with him and I've told them both that. Maybe if I hadn't told Tohma, Ryuuen wouldn't have been hurt.

Yes, Ryuuen's in the hospital too. I was in Kyoto for Christmas then, so I didn't know what was happeneing. I would have done everything in my power to prevent it if I'd been there, though. Tohma threatened Shiori. That's just horrible. How can someone threaten a little girl? Even if he didn't mean it... I suppose I should have known, but it was upsetting all the same for him to manipulate Ryuuen into being obedient while he shot him. He almost shattered his knee. That would have been horrible... it would have prevented Ryuuen from doing things that he loves. Sakano-san stopped me in the parking lot after I saw Ryuuen. He was upset with me, and who could blame him? Though, it was rather annoying for him to think I was going to sit by and do nothing about it. He should know better than that.

I went to see Tohma after that. I was so upset with him. I threatened to hurt myself, but Tohma wouldn't let me. He handed me a gun and told me to shoot him. I should have been able to do it, considering what he did to Ryuuen, but I just couldn't. I couldn't hurt him. Maybe I still care for him... I don't know. He gave me my Christmas present too. I hadn't planned on giving him his, but I might still... if he's civil from now on. Though, he couldn't promise me he wouldn't hurt Ryuuen. That was really upsetting, so I thought it best if I left him. Maybe that would protect him... He took it horribly though. He yelled at me and told me he never wanted to see me again. I was so upset. I went back to the hotel room. Again, stupidity runs in the family. Suicide shouldn't have been the first thing I considered, but it was. I'm just lucky Tatsuha followed me and talked me out of finishing it.

Tatsuha also went to see Tohma. I could tell he was pissed. He had Tohma come and apologize and, I suppose, he also promised to leave Ryuuen and myself alone. That was comforting, but I didn't want him to get involved at all. I wanted to know I could handle things on my own... I guess I can't though. I can't handle my own feelings. Part of me still cares for Tohma, maybe even loves him, despite what he did to Ryuuen. I doubt I'll go back to him now. I have who I want to be with.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/13389.html

It's over... all those years of marriage... over. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I slept with Ryuuen again and now I believe the child I'm pregnant with is his. We did get into a fight and I went to stay with Ryuuen for a few days. We've been together, I suppose. I agreed to be his girlfriend, though I'm still married. However, I went to see Tohma today... apparantly our relationship isn't important enough to talk about. I know I can have better than just that. I threatened him with a divorce to get him to pay attention to me... and he said to go ahead... so I am. I'm filing for divorce in the morning. If this baby truly is his, then that's too bad.

As I said, I've been staying with Ryuuen. I never thought I'd end up with him like this, but that's how things are now and, I have to say, they're wonderful. He's everything I've ever wanted. I'm falling for him. I suppose that's why I agreed to date him even though I'm still married. I know I can end up rekindling things with Tohma, but right now, I don't know if I want to. Maybe it sounds silly, but I want to be with Ryuuen right now. He makes me feel special. Like I'm needed, not just a convenience. It used to be like that with Tohma...

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13182.html

It's over... all those years of marriage... over. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I slept with Ryuuen again and now I believe the child I'm pregnant with is his. We did get into a fight and I went to stay with Ryuuen for a few days. We've been together, I suppose. I agreed to be his girlfriend, though I'm still married. However, I went to see Tohma today... apparantly our relationship isn't important enough to talk about. I know I can have better than just that. I threatened him with a divorce to get him to pay attention to me... and he said to go ahead... so I am. I'm filing for divorce in the morning. If this baby truly is his, then that's too bad.

As I said, I've been staying with Ryuuen. I never thought I'd end up with him like this, but that's how things are now and, I have to say, they're wonderful. He's everything I've ever wanted. I'm falling for him. I suppose that's why I agreed to date him even though I'm still married. I know I can end up rekindling things with Tohma, but right now, I don't know if I want to. Maybe it sounds silly, but I want to be with Ryuuen right now. He makes me feel special. Like I'm needed, not just a convenience. It used to be like that with Tohma...

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13182.html

It's over... all those years of marriage... over. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I slept with Ryuuen again and now I believe the child I'm pregnant with is his. We did get into a fight and I went to stay with Ryuuen for a few days. We've been together, I suppose. I agreed to be his girlfriend, though I'm still married. However, I went to see Tohma today... apparantly our relationship isn't important enough to talk about. I know I can have better than just that. I threatened him with a divorce to get him to pay attention to me... and he said to go ahead... so I am. I'm filing for divorce in the morning. If this baby truly is his, then that's too bad.

As I said, I've been staying with Ryuuen. I never thought I'd end up with him like this, but that's how things are now and, I have to say, they're wonderful. He's everything I've ever wanted. I'm falling for him. I suppose that's why I agreed to date him even though I'm still married. I know I can end up rekindling things with Tohma, but right now, I don't know if I want to. Maybe it sounds silly, but I want to be with Ryuuen right now. He makes me feel special. Like I'm needed, not just a convenience. It used to be like that with Tohma...

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/13182.html

I think now Tohma hates me... I told him that I'm pregnant last night. Almost right away he suspected me of sleeping with someone else. I don't know how he could have known that. Am I that predictable? I wish he would have stayed so that we could have talked about things. He just stormed out. I don't know where he went, but I think that was his intention. I still love him. I told him that, but he doesn't believe me. I've fucked up...

After Tohma left I went over to Ryuuen's. I didn't want to stay home alone. I know Tatsuha and Yoshiki are there, but I don't want to talk to them about it. Ryuuen managed to make me feel better about things. He always manages to do that. By the time I went to sleep, I was feeling strangely happy. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows exactly the right thing to say to me.

**For Tatsuha and Yoshiki**
Don't destroy the house, please. I don't know how long you two will have it to yourself, but I'd like to come back and see everything in one piece. No parties. If you need anything, I have my cell phone so you can call me.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13009.html