I think now Tohma hates me... I told him that I'm pregnant last night. Almost right away he suspected me of sleeping with someone else. I don't know how he could have known that. Am I that predictable? I wish he would have stayed so that we could have talked about things. He just stormed out. I don't know where he went, but I think that was his intention. I still love him. I told him that, but he doesn't believe me. I've fucked up...

After Tohma left I went over to Ryuuen's. I didn't want to stay home alone. I know Tatsuha and Yoshiki are there, but I don't want to talk to them about it. Ryuuen managed to make me feel better about things. He always manages to do that. By the time I went to sleep, I was feeling strangely happy. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows exactly the right thing to say to me.

**For Tatsuha and Yoshiki**
Don't destroy the house, please. I don't know how long you two will have it to yourself, but I'd like to come back and see everything in one piece. No parties. If you need anything, I have my cell phone so you can call me.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/13009.html

I think now Tohma hates me... I told him that I'm pregnant last night. Almost right away he suspected me of sleeping with someone else. I don't know how he could have known that. Am I that predictable? I wish he would have stayed so that we could have talked about things. He just stormed out. I don't know where he went, but I think that was his intention. I still love him. I told him that, but he doesn't believe me. I've fucked up...

After Tohma left I went over to Ryuuen's. I didn't want to stay home alone. I know Tatsuha and Yoshiki are there, but I don't want to talk to them about it. Ryuuen managed to make me feel better about things. He always manages to do that. By the time I went to sleep, I was feeling strangely happy. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows exactly the right thing to say to me.

**For Tatsuha and Yoshiki**
Don't destroy the house, please. I don't know how long you two will have it to yourself, but I'd like to come back and see everything in one piece. No parties. If you need anything, I have my cell phone so you can call me.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/13009.html

I always thought it would be my brothers to fuck up their lives and it would be me who got them out of it. I can't believe all that I've done lately. I now know why it's been so hard for Tatsuha to stop. That man... Miki... a much as I'd like to blame him for everything, I know that it's not entirely his fault. I'm the one to blame, and I'm surprised that Tohma doesn't hate me. At least, he says he doesn't. I really do hope that's true. I don't know what I'd do without him.

I took a walk last night and met up with Ryuuen. He seemed upset about something, but he also didn't seem to want to talk about, so I didn't push him for it. I know what it's like to be forced into talking about something I'd rather not. It's most likely none of my business anyway. I just wish I could help him a little bit more. I haven't talked to him at all for quite a while. I think I need people around me now more than anything and, as much as I hate to say it, I don't want to spend time with Tatsuha. I'm almost positive he hasn't gotten over it and I don't want to be around him with all of that. I want to get over this as soon as possible.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12564.html

I always thought it would be my brothers to fuck up their lives and it would be me who got them out of it. I can't believe all that I've done lately. I now know why it's been so hard for Tatsuha to stop. That man... Miki... a much as I'd like to blame him for everything, I know that it's not entirely his fault. I'm the one to blame, and I'm surprised that Tohma doesn't hate me. At least, he says he doesn't. I really do hope that's true. I don't know what I'd do without him.

I took a walk last night and met up with Ryuuen. He seemed upset about something, but he also didn't seem to want to talk about, so I didn't push him for it. I know what it's like to be forced into talking about something I'd rather not. It's most likely none of my business anyway. I just wish I could help him a little bit more. I haven't talked to him at all for quite a while. I think I need people around me now more than anything and, as much as I hate to say it, I don't want to spend time with Tatsuha. I'm almost positive he hasn't gotten over it and I don't want to be around him with all of that. I want to get over this as soon as possible.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12564.html

I always thought it would be my brothers to fuck up their lives and it would be me who got them out of it. I can't believe all that I've done lately. I now know why it's been so hard for Tatsuha to stop. That man... Miki... a much as I'd like to blame him for everything, I know that it's not entirely his fault. I'm the one to blame, and I'm surprised that Tohma doesn't hate me. At least, he says he doesn't. I really do hope that's true. I don't know what I'd do without him.

I took a walk last night and met up with Ryuuen. He seemed upset about something, but he also didn't seem to want to talk about, so I didn't push him for it. I know what it's like to be forced into talking about something I'd rather not. It's most likely none of my business anyway. I just wish I could help him a little bit more. I haven't talked to him at all for quite a while. I think I need people around me now more than anything and, as much as I hate to say it, I don't want to spend time with Tatsuha. I'm almost positive he hasn't gotten over it and I don't want to be around him with all of that. I want to get over this as soon as possible.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/12564.html

I fucked up... badly... I met this guy at the mall. I just asked him for a cigarette, but he had drugs... once I saw them I needed a fix. I feel so horrible. I gave him 150... and a blowjob. I didn't want to... I needed to... to get what I wanted. I feel so dirty. I'm going to take a shower. He gave me his number... I'm not going to throw it away. I might need to call him some other time... but Tohma can't know. He can never know.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12346.html

I fucked up... badly... I met this guy at the mall. I just asked him for a cigarette, but he had drugs... once I saw them I needed a fix. I feel so horrible. I gave him 150... and a blowjob. I didn't want to... I needed to... to get what I wanted. I feel so dirty. I'm going to take a shower. He gave me his number... I'm not going to throw it away. I might need to call him some other time... but Tohma can't know. He can never know.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12346.html

I fucked up... badly... I met this guy at the mall. I just asked him for a cigarette, but he had drugs... once I saw them I needed a fix. I feel so horrible. I gave him 150... and a blowjob. I didn't want to... I needed to... to get what I wanted. I feel so dirty. I'm going to take a shower. He gave me his number... I'm not going to throw it away. I might need to call him some other time... but Tohma can't know. He can never know.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/12346.html

**Private Post**
I really don't know why I'm so angry with Otousan. I know it's not his fault that he managed to get a woman pregnant, but it's still... frustrating, I suppose is a good word for it. That will be his fourth child, and he's well over the age of it being appropriate to have children so young. Perhaps I'm jealous... I want a child of my own. Another sibling is by far the worst thing possible right now. I need a drink.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12260.html

**Private Post**
I really don't know why I'm so angry with Otousan. I know it's not his fault that he managed to get a woman pregnant, but it's still... frustrating, I suppose is a good word for it. That will be his fourth child, and he's well over the age of it being appropriate to have children so young. Perhaps I'm jealous... I want a child of my own. Another sibling is by far the worst thing possible right now. I need a drink.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/12260.html

**Private Post**
I really don't know why I'm so angry with Otousan. I know it's not his fault that he managed to get a woman pregnant, but it's still... frustrating, I suppose is a good word for it. That will be his fourth child, and he's well over the age of it being appropriate to have children so young. Perhaps I'm jealous... I want a child of my own. Another sibling is by far the worst thing possible right now. I need a drink.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/12260.html

I'm home. I'm really home. I'm so happy. It feels like it's been forever. There are so many things that I could say here, but I'd rather not. I don't want to remember them at all. I don't remember my latest counciling sessions with Ryuuen at all. I really have to apologize to him... for anything I did. I'm having Tohma help me get off the drugs. It's so hard, I understand now why it was so difficult for Tatsuha. I hope I can do this. I feel horrible.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11990.html

I'm home. I'm really home. I'm so happy. It feels like it's been forever. There are so many things that I could say here, but I'd rather not. I don't want to remember them at all. I don't remember my latest counciling sessions with Ryuuen at all. I really have to apologize to him... for anything I did. I'm having Tohma help me get off the drugs. It's so hard, I understand now why it was so difficult for Tatsuha. I hope I can do this. I feel horrible.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11990.html

I'm home. I'm really home. I'm so happy. It feels like it's been forever. There are so many things that I could say here, but I'd rather not. I don't want to remember them at all. I don't remember my latest counciling sessions with Ryuuen at all. I really have to apologize to him... for anything I did. I'm having Tohma help me get off the drugs. It's so hard, I understand now why it was so difficult for Tatsuha. I hope I can do this. I feel horrible.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/11990.html

I feel like I haven't really been doing anything for quite a while. It's been really boring lately. I should get out and do something.

**private**
Actually, I have been thinking a lot. Why is everyone having children before me? Honestly? Next thing I know, Eiri and Shindou will have adopted. It's ridiculous. Even Tatsuha has a child... and his girlfriend isn't even a woman! Perhaps I am jealous, but really, why shouldn't I be?

Tohma told me that Noriko and Tetsuya invited us to dinner soon. I do think it will be nice, but she is such a successful mother. She may be the reason for all my jealousy. She really is a wonderful mother. I hope I can be like that some day.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11654.html

I feel like I haven't really been doing anything for quite a while. It's been really boring lately. I should get out and do something.

**private**
Actually, I have been thinking a lot. Why is everyone having children before me? Honestly? Next thing I know, Eiri and Shindou will have adopted. It's ridiculous. Even Tatsuha has a child... and his girlfriend isn't even a woman! Perhaps I am jealous, but really, why shouldn't I be?

Tohma told me that Noriko and Tetsuya invited us to dinner soon. I do think it will be nice, but she is such a successful mother. She may be the reason for all my jealousy. She really is a wonderful mother. I hope I can be like that some day.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11654.html

I feel like I haven't really been doing anything for quite a while. It's been really boring lately. I should get out and do something.

**private**
Actually, I have been thinking a lot. Why is everyone having children before me? Honestly? Next thing I know, Eiri and Shindou will have adopted. It's ridiculous. Even Tatsuha has a child... and his girlfriend isn't even a woman! Perhaps I am jealous, but really, why shouldn't I be?

Tohma told me that Noriko and Tetsuya invited us to dinner soon. I do think it will be nice, but she is such a successful mother. She may be the reason for all my jealousy. She really is a wonderful mother. I hope I can be like that some day.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/11654.html

I'm home now. I only had to stay one day at the hospital. It's still really upsetting, and I imagine it will be for a while. I never thought I'd lose them like that. I haven't talked to Ryuuen yet. Tohma called him, though. I want to know how he's doing... maybe seeing that he's upset as well might make me feel better. Maybe worse. I have no idea. I just want to talk to him.

I talked to Eiri last night. He surprised me. In a good way, though. He offered to come over and spend time with me, which was sweet of him. He sounded slightly upset, which is an improvement. He can be sweet when he wants to be. Though, other than him, there's probably a few people who I should call. Otousan, for one... I don't know how I'm going to tell him, but better now than later.

**Eiri**
Thank you for last night. That meant a lot to me.

**Otousan**
Could you call me? I need to talk to you.

https://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11291.html

I'm home now. I only had to stay one day at the hospital. It's still really upsetting, and I imagine it will be for a while. I never thought I'd lose them like that. I haven't talked to Ryuuen yet. Tohma called him, though. I want to know how he's doing... maybe seeing that he's upset as well might make me feel better. Maybe worse. I have no idea. I just want to talk to him.

I talked to Eiri last night. He surprised me. In a good way, though. He offered to come over and spend time with me, which was sweet of him. He sounded slightly upset, which is an improvement. He can be sweet when he wants to be. Though, other than him, there's probably a few people who I should call. Otousan, for one... I don't know how I'm going to tell him, but better now than later.

**Eiri**
Thank you for last night. That meant a lot to me.

**Otousan**
Could you call me? I need to talk to you.

http://users.livejournal.com/-mika/11291.html

I'm home now. I only had to stay one day at the hospital. It's still really upsetting, and I imagine it will be for a while. I never thought I'd lose them like that. I haven't talked to Ryuuen yet. Tohma called him, though. I want to know how he's doing... maybe seeing that he's upset as well might make me feel better. Maybe worse. I have no idea. I just want to talk to him.

I talked to Eiri last night. He surprised me. In a good way, though. He offered to come over and spend time with me, which was sweet of him. He sounded slightly upset, which is an improvement. He can be sweet when he wants to be. Though, other than him, there's probably a few people who I should call. Otousan, for one... I don't know how I'm going to tell him, but better now than later.

**Eiri**
Thank you for last night. That meant a lot to me.

**Otousan**
Could you call me? I need to talk to you.

http://users.livejournal.com/_mika/11291.html