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Season 7

Magnificent Seven [7.1]

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

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Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Frat Chance [7.6]

Kelly: Did something die in here?

Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it a touch of Bud.

Kelly: Yeah, well if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was it could only be you.

Bud: And nobody does it better.

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(Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down)

Bud: Hi Dad, we're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al: Not secret enough son.

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Al: Why do we have to go out Peg? Isn't it enough I know I'm married to you. Do we have to tell the whole world?

Unlawful Entry [7.20]

Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Season 11

 Requiem for a Chevyweight [11.4]

Jefferson:Look Al, god forbid, she doesn't make it, the important thing is you get right back on the horse.

Al: Well thanks Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

A Bundy Thanksgiving [11.6]

Al: You know Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband, and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?

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Al finds his pie tin

Al: Hey, I found it.

Marcy: Good, now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Although, that's alot like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al: Or a bra on you.

Unsorted Quotes

Al: [to Peggy] Do I see the redheaded monster of jealousy?

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Kelly: [looking disgusted] Some guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "rub his 'magic lamp' and see a genie come out" ... there was no genie.