Sandyrella все записи автора

Hot Off The Grill [4.1]

Al: It's Labor Day, not Leech Day, that's Christmas.

---

Steve: What happened to my fish?

Al: It fell on the ground, eat up.

---

Al: In 1492 Columbus brought labor day to America, and the women still did nothing!

---

(Peg is smoking three cigarettes at once)

Bud: She's turning into Grandma before our very eyes.

 Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics [4.2]

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do, number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent, and number two: exercise.

Tooth Or Consequences [4.4]

Bud: Dad, dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now, my teeth are killing me.

 He Ain't Much, But He's Mine [4.5]

Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF; which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it, than with your husband.

---

Bud: Hey mom, do you think dad is cheating on you?

Peg: Oh, of course not!

Bud: Good because we don't want to see you and dad break up, we're almost like a family here.

Desperately Seeking Miss October [4.7]

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al: Fine.

Al's Father: How are my Playboys?

Al: You know, huh?

Al's Father: (Sarcastically) No, I care how you and the kids are.

976-Shoe [4.8]

Peg: Hi, Al, did you have a good day?

Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

At The Zoo [4.10]

Courtney: Mr. Bundy, wanna buy some chipmunk cookies?

Al: No, go away!

Courtney: You can't tell me you're not hungry, my daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

---

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

---

Steve: Marcy, I can't keep secrets from you. I went to the zoo today and didn't look for a job.

Marcy: Well, good, Steve. Tonight when we're in bed together, don't look for anything there either.

 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1 [4.11]

Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is 'I want this', 'Get me this', 'I have to have this'... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. Ho, ho, ho, all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

---

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud: Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg: Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly: Three nose hairs waving?

Bud: Two children starving?

Peg: One un-touched wife.

---

Al: (To some kids in the shoe store)

'Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the house,

No food was a-stirrin',

Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung round

Dad's nick like a tie,

Along with a note that said,

"Presents or die."

Children were plotting

All night in their beds,

While the wife's constant whining

Was splitting his head.

But daddy had money

This year in the bank,

Then they closed up early,

And now dad's in a tank.

All of a sudden,

Santa appeared,

A sneer on his face,

Booze in his beard.

"Santa," I said,

As he laughed merrily,

"You do so much for others,

Do something for me."

"Bundy," he said,

"You only sell shoes,

Your son is a sneak thief,

Your daughter's a floose."

"Ho ho," Santa said,

"Should I mention your wife?

Her hair's like an A-bomb,

Her nails like a knife."

He climbs up the chimney,

That fat piece of dung,

He mooned me two times,

He stuck out his tongue.

I heard him exclaim,

As he broke wind with glee,

"You're married with children,

You'll never be free."

---

Al: (To some kids) Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

 It's A Bundyful Life: Part 2 [4.12]

Angel: I know you think you got it tough, your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, by bookie... but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I cancelled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?

Al: And you're here to help me, huh?

---

Peg: I saved myself for marriage.

Al: Oh come on!!! The football team retired her jersey!

---

Angel: I'm gonna be a real angel!!! But first I'm gonna visit my ex-wife.

Al: You really did love her, didn't you?

Angel: No, I'm gonna put a package of ding-dongs just out of reach of her pork-pie fingers. Then as she oozes that 500 pounds over the table, lifts up 3 of her chins so she can put one of 'em in her mouth, I'm gonna turn them into me - a 20 year old rotting corpse!

---

Al: Bud, quick. What's more important - love or money?

Bud: Money. I can always rent love.

Al: Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly: Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

 Who'll Stop The Rain [4.13]

Peg: Al, just call a roofer.

Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.

Kelly: Chew Dad's socks!

Bud: Eat Mom's food!

 You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 1 [4.16]

Peg: I want a vacation.

Al: You want to visit some place new, go into the kitchen.

---

Marcy: God, I hate men!

Al: I thought you were man's best friend. No, wait, that's dogs not chickens.

You Gotta Know When To Fold 'Em: Part 2 [4.17]

Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.

Al: And I love a woman with things on top.

---

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be ok. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

What Goes Around Comes Around [4.18]

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?

Al: Yes and you call that girl "mom" now.

Peggy Turns 300 [4.19]

Kelly: My birthday is in February, I'm an aquarium.

Raingirl [4.21]

Al: (Paying bills) Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha

Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha

Living in the gutter, cha cha cha

Early grave, cha cha cha

Alright now, everybody - shoot me!

---

Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

Marcy: Oh well, losing your first job isn't so bad.

Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.

---

Kelly: There's a strom coming to Chic-a-go

Bud: Why don't they put some peanut butter on her gums, like they did with Mr. Ed?

The Agony Of Defeet [4.22]

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?

Peg: Well, having the kids.

Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

Peg: Having the kids.

Yard Sale [4.23]

Al: We don't need all this stuff to be miserable, we got each other.

---

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory". That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom".

---

Al: A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.