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Poppy's by the Tree: Part 1 [2.1]

Guy: Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought it.' [he asks for a tip]

Al: Remember our motto: 'We ain't got it.'

---

Lady: Anything else I can do for you?

Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

 Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2 [2.2]

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

If I Were a Rich Man [2.3]

Steve: They think back: 'Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

---

Peggy: Thank your father, kids.

Kelly, Bud: Thanks, Dad.

---

(the radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household)

Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

Buck Can Do It [2.4]

Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

Buck: Whadaya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate?

Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

---

Al: Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said, "let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him, and Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two income family is a house with two husbands.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1 [2.5]

Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al: Yeah...

Peg: I bet she had great legs.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: And good breasts.

Al: Yeah...

Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs.

Al: Yeah... wait a minute, with you?

Peg: Oh, yeah!

Al: ...okay.

---

Al: (to Kelly) I want you to tell uncle Steve what your guidance counsellor said what career you'd be best suited for.

Kelly: Lumbercamp toy or the other woman.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 2 [2.6]

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those bears this year?

Born to Walk [2.8]

Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.

Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

---

Steve: (looking through the booklet) Oh, these tests are brutal. Here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?

Al: Who cares?

Steve: A cop in a business or residential area.

---

Al: Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test.

Peg: Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.

Kelly: And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license.

Peg: [with sarcasm] Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

---

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

---

Al: No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500 freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my license...

Kelly: Who's taking you, Dad?

Al: I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything: not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me. From now on, we have a new Bundy rule: every man for himself.

 The Razor's Edge [2.10]

Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

---

Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for five days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well you know how it is Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for five days?

Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.

Earth Angel [2.12]

Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peg: You got a night job?

Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.

---

(After returning from the bowling riot)

Al: Did you hear something on the news!?!?

Peg: Yes as a matter of fact, they said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Al: I got no time Peg, I gotta go looting!

You Better Watch Out [2.13]

Peg: Al, get rid of those kids.

Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.

[Al opens the door and announces to the kids]

Al: Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony. Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.

---

Al:What's wrong now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?

---

Al:[doorbell rings] Oh great! Probably an elf with a knife in his back.

---

Al: [dressed as Santa] No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy; tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr. Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for old dad.

Nestor: But what do I get?

Al: A new home, and a fresh new Mommy. Ho-ho-ho!

---

Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

---

Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.

Al: [dressed as Santa] All right but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

---

Kid: Santa smells like beer.

Al: [dressed as Santa; quietly] Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor.

---

Al: Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out.

Bud: So long, Kel.

Kelly: Yeah, like they really intended to have you.

Peg: Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

---

(Something falls off the Bundy's roof into their back yard)

Kelly: What was that?

Al: I don't know, but if it's dead and has a red nose, we'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard.

Guys and Dolls [2.14]

Peg: I never understood the fascination with Barbie. But I sure could strip Ken with my teeth.

Marcy: (disgusted) Yes, I'm sure.

---

Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

---

Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.

Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.

Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.

Peg: Sex?

Al: No! Baseball cards.

---

(Discussing Bud)

Peg: I think I know what the problem with him is. He just has too much free time on his hands. Now what are we going to do about that?

Al: Well, we could get him a wife?

Build a Better Mousetrap [2.15]

Peg: Is it dead, Al?

Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? Will you call an exterminator now?

Al: Nah, now it's personal.

---

(Al is going into the basement)

Al: Say, cheese. Hello!

(Al fires twice with his rifle)

 Master the Possibilities [2.16]

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud: Sure.

Steve: Then it's-a-prison he'll be going.

---

Al: You know I said to Sven "is it worth it?", and Sven said "vhen it's vor the vamily it's vorth it", yeah and he also said that a lobster could pinch through an atheletic support. Sven was 0 for 2 today!

---

Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog?!? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? and so what if they did?

Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah [2.17]

Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?

Kelly: Yep, they call you geek, dork, hairy palms.

---

Al: I hate Valentine's Day in the shoe store, every fat woman in Chicago hippos in wanting pink pumps. They think it makes them look sexy. As if anyone can see the shoes over the bulging flesh of their ankles.

---

Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentines day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah it's kind of a tradition, every Valentines day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile and slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me but she seems to like it.

Steve: I only prey that after sixteen years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al: Steve, If it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

---

Marcy: So, do you know what Al's getting you?

Peg: Yeah, same thing he gets me every year. He's gonna slam dunk me a quick one. Of course those are his words, I mean in reality it's more like a foul shot. You know he takes a deep breath and scores, sure it's worth a point but it will never make the high-light reel.

Marcy: It's like your honeymoon never ended.

The Great Escape [2.18]

Al: (walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out) Damn mannequins look like hookers.

 Im-Po-Dent [2.19]

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...

Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?

Marcy: ...and he's impotent!

Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

---

Peg: Marcy what is it?

Marcy: Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT.

[Steve walks in]

Al: Hey Buddy. What's up? OOPS!

---

Al: Yeah Steve, you're a real stallion, listen, let's say we go down to the ice cream shop and get a... softy?

Steve: I can't believe you told him.

Marcy: Steve I'm sorry it's just that you were once a mighty oak and now...

Al: A hanging vine?

 Just Married... with Children [2.20]

Al: I welcome death!

---

Al: What's it gonna be, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Don't keep me in suspense here. The wife needs a new a car!

---

(On the game show)

Marcy: (Alarmed) Oh Steve, I didn't know there'd be electric chairs!

Steve: It doesn't matter. Juice me until I'm ash, they are not getting that car.

All in the Family [2.22]

Al: "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years. Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo".