so tell me what do u do if the only person who can actually understand is the only person u cant actually trust...

what do u do if the only person u can trust would never even half consider to understand

and the only person who would want to understand is the only person u pushed so far away there is no way back home???

so i went to get my mark today from my favourite teacher yahoo
and hes liek i cant read u, ure either bored or frustrated or unitersted
and im thinkin this is why u lost ur wife i suppose cuz u cant read someone whos barricaded behind a high brick wall
i could give u a presentation and jump in there and talk and blab and laugh
propblem is somehtng in my head is blocked
and it tells me uh huh no no none of this shit please
no talkin to interaction
and really u remember when it started?
cuz i do,,, i remember walkin out n feeling sick to my stomach
feeling scared and embarassed and betrayed and whatnot
i remember sitting down in that bar
and something snapping
i remember being scared of them

i dont think i ever spoke afterwards

the goal is to learn the creative suite asap

holidays is all the time i have for that
talkin about dead line lol

So what is wrong with a little of talking to yourself?
Especially when it involves bad english, total lack of any writing talent and a glass of cheap wine in hand?
I quite frankly believe its quite therapeutic,,, especially if anonymity is maintained, something like confining in strangers.
Best part is that somewhere deep inside theres a well hidden, (although that becomes more and more distorted with each glass as u begin to speak to individuals) belief that someday, someone may actually read this. Obviously that is the one that matters... or the ones that matter. chances are though by time they will, shall that day come, they would be well forgiven and better yet forgotten.
There is the ironic part though, you sweat, you pant u form letters into words into sentences to form a coherent (or so it appears to you) quality piece of writing. now all this in your head has a total meaning. That is that once that someone, or someones come across this splendid piece of work everything in their brains would somehow rearrange and come to a complete sync with your feelings and thoughts without much communication. Suddenly they would have that winged woman over their head vigorously swinging her arms in the air and explaining precisely and accurately everything you would want them to understand in their own language. And naturally they would fall on their knees or run to store and head ur way with a bottle of Jack.
No.
You would never read this.
I am talkin to you because Im lonely.

Something just caught my eye, an old entry
I need someone to hold me tight, for eternity
to hold me tight when my head goes wham and i cant deal with myself anymore..
someone to be able to face my demons..
u cant do that can u...
u cant acknowledge them even now can u?
and i miss being the one and only for the entire eternity and after... thats not the case either now is it?
lol...
how much of urself have u lost??????

If for a second there you could close your eyes
and see me there in the dim of the doorway
would you let me stay? would u hold me near??

I stare at the image,
it frightens me ,,, so real
I look into her eyes
the colour of pain
I teach her how to smile
but she hates pretence
I tell her that its real
She wrinkles in disgust
I close my eyes
Yet I can feel her stare
She says Im in despair
I tell her things Id never dare speak
but she betrays, puts all at stake
She counts the scarlet drops although Im not looking

She says its time to go, she hates it here, she is right.
I know what she must be feeling, locked up in hat decieving mirror. She knows what I wanna hear ...

I cannot be naked
I cannot be stripped
I cannot be cured
I will not allow myself to be cured
for if im cured i will not pint
and i cannot not paint
i need to feel,
i need to show
i need to tell
storied
histories
like an encyclopedia of life
u hold my hand and let the time stand still
i break it off and let it bleed
the sun behind the bars
the moon in neon light
the bloody dripping pool
of scarlet pain
the brush strokes on the painting
the ups and downs
let me hurt
let me rage
let me be me
i am no one without my past
im still lost somehwere there cuz i havent found a way to show it
to tell the tale
dynamic movement
red black
denial betrayal pain
its all there

do you beleive in friendship?
like real friendhsip?
what is friendhship?
is there such thing?
we betrayal each other on every step we take and thenleave each other to rot,,,
have u ever had a friend? a real friend?
i think ive never really recovored,,,, i think it still hates me

reality behind bars,,,
lying low,,, slowly vanishing...
the world around me crumbles and im lost somewhere
cant seem to catch myself,,,
its like everything has shattered in a million peices and things that made so much sense before have disappeared
i sit i stare and im lost,,, i aint got a reason to move anywhere,,,
im beyond all that,,, at least i thought i was,,,,
the walls have been closin on me, i suffocated ,,
i cheated ,,, i lied,,, and i put out the light,,, i made them unreal,,,
so that they wont be able to tell,,,
ive killed with my own hands the last thing that i had,,,
and now what,,, turn my eyes inside close the lids, deny the world to enter,,,
i have destroyed myself bit by bit,,, built walla all thoughout my mind
forgotten who i was,,, why i was,,, lost the will and reason to fight....
who am i? why am i here?
id be much better off if i was hurting... cuz then id know what it is...
today i was thinking,,, why do we do the things we do?
like the good things mainly really
why would u wanna help an old granny cross the street?
what do u feel? why do u care?
she struggles to lift her bags,,, whats in that for u? why does it break ur heart?
why do u pass by unnoticed?
so there must be some good in us humans,,, if we have irrational feelings of humanity?
why is betrayal wrong?
what do u care if someone else is hurting?
then again back to the selfish theory,,,
u feel better urself when u do someone else good,,, and thats why u do it ,,, to feel good
i want the clock to stop and take me back a few years,,, to correct things,,, modify them
would i still be here?
would i have a reason?
i cannot define this,, im lost,,, in my own little fear...
do i want it? do i need it? would it make me feel better?
would it last?
i can define it,,, but its a momentary explanation,,,
after that there will be more, and more, excuses for feeling shit
for being shit,,,
waiting for the day to end,,, a silence came too late,,,

its been slippin away from me,,,
ive been standing so tall, on such a hard ground,,, and now im crowchin in a corner,
moved by the deepest of fears,,, pushed to the edge of insanity
with no power of words,,, no way of explaining,,, this chaos in my head,,,
wham,,, and everything is pitch black,,,
ive never been scared,,, i dont know what to do with the feeling,
ure right about that, it comes over me,,
and suddenly theres this idea what if? just what if i go against it
and do the opposite of what it tells me?
can i climb the highest rollercoaster?
how long before i stop pissin my pants as they fasten the seat belts,,,
am i capable of it really?
i seem to have started using the word cant too much,,
even thou ive never beleived in its existence,,, and what if i prove myself wrong
ive been soo tied up with tryin to prove everyone else wrong
have i lost a moment when they beleived in me and i lost the same beleief?
thoughts in my head,,, irrational fear of everthing
being forgot being broken being unloved
is this just some sort of frustration?
blah cant seem to write
but ill get back up there
i was born for somethin
i failed to die for something
and i will find that something
i swear

found emotions ----

theres just one sip left, may be two at tops,,,
a bright clean, thin crystal bottle with a fraile neck and clear bottom,
i have expired,,,
down here in the trash can amongst other expired products of this society
i am not alone,,, but this darkness of an innocent betrayal has consumed us
filled us up with emptiness,,, and burned us with acidic silence
left us to wonder aimlessly through the neverending corridors of this labirinth
with barricaded exit doors that read EXPIRED
with broken balck and white drawings on the walls of our failed dreams
misfortunate time lines and shatters hopes,,,
alone in the dark we stumble upon each other and run scared
run for the emergency exit which does not exist
our sour contents gettin harder with each breath
each passin second the low ceilins and rough roads
we run so fast we eventually learn to forget what were runnin from
and just continue the escape in a belief that we have expired...

Ok when Im worried I go insane
I start hating ppl and I cant control it
cuz in my head im worried and it frustrates me that you cant see
although u cant even have any possible idea in ur hear
cuz i never said anything,,, or if i did i wouldnt be able to explain
i wanna be held tight and strong
for all eternity
for all the times my head would go wham,
for all the times i cant deal with myself
and now is the time when i really cant
when i really am goin down,,,
although there are no reasons that i could justify
i just wish it wasnt like this
i just wish i could do smthg
and i can bt i aint got the guts
to speak
cuz im not a part of it
cuz im not capable of doin it
sometimes i wonder
who do u think i am?
what do u know of me?
im lost in two different worlds
and i can never adapt to the two i cant never be either one
i just never was meant to be i suppose

- u do know that i love you right?
- i love you too
- i dont want to be loved too
- i love u...
bullshit ... i wouldnt be where i am if u did now would i?

- I forgive u -

я не могу,
я больше не могу...
мне плохо... мне больно...
im not good enough, not good enough for the ones that i love
i cant do so many things, i cant i just cant bring myself to achieve them,,,
im ashamed of myself
i hate myself i despise me
im wrong, im always on the wrong,,,
and im torn in this feeling that i cant ask for help cuz itll upst u even more
cuz id be more useless than i already am
he left on a holiday and he didnt eventell me
nevermind that he hasnt called in ages,,,
like i stopped existing AGAIN
it stings,,, like i walked all the way up the mountin and now i feel back down there again,,,
i wanna cry,,, like that day when he walked in and just set there by my bed and said i love u,,, and i wanted to cry,,,
and its so stupid he called and asked to bring him the thing, and i told himt o fuck off like me usual me, and he came and he just set there and he showed emotions ,,, emotions that neither me nor him were able to show for years
now im back where i started,,,
i cant i cant do this,,, it stings ,,, cuz i pretended to be asleep and really i wanted to hug him, i cant rememember the last time i hugged him,,,
i cant remember the last time i was able to do that...