А что, если мы признаем неудачу отношений, но останемся вместе?Ну, да, мы с тобой часто ссоримся, редко занимаемся любовью, но друг без друга жить не можем.У нас пройдёт так вся жизнь — тяжело, но хоть не в одиночестве. 
Терпеть — страшно, но уйти еще страшнее.

Its incedible how life can be unexpected. That what makes it be always interesting.
Day started with feeling that something nice is going to happened. I went to give USD back to my friend, than shopping in Vicotria Secret, bought everything there: lingerie, bra and pijama. Its incredibly soft. Came home ate half of sweets which my mother brought me from Ukraine. Watched amazing movie called the Adjustment Buroeau. Anyways, my friend Hadi called me and said that hes going to Birthday party at Tryst club. The Birthday of someone who I know but i saw him just once and didnt really paied attention. Hes name Sidney ( I call him Barbie). I didnt want to stay home, exams are finished and mood is amazing so I was just ready for something to good to happened. My classmate has a very cute cousin, his name Fabian. I was talking with him on facebook, than we just got bored to talk in internet and decided to switch on cell phone. Because of exams we barely talked, however, today I decided to text him. I asked him if hes having fun? he said of course in Tryst club! I thought his jocking! We are at the same club, with no plan to meet each other. I just love unexpectancy. We met. I texted his cousin, saying that i met Fabian. She was shoked. We started to dance. MAN! amazing body! I left my friends and just dissapeared with Fabian, we were not even talking just dancing. Even if the music was fast we were just dancing whatever, staying vety close. I am happy. I dont even know why. The problem I liked the birthday boy also. This Sidney is like black Brad Pitt. Both of them Hadi and Sidney didnt want to leave me with Fabian, and at the end Hadi got jealous. That's even funny. Everything was just so great tonight. Even the party atmosphere made me happy. Was full of Playboy gilr models, handsome guys.
This meeting was very cute. No plan, just simple coinsidence. He smells great.

Pain is an incredible think. You feel how your chest burning, your heart beat gets crazy, you shaking. You can't eat, sleep, even brief. Your body gets paralyzed and weak and you feel like someone just beat you up and you barely brief. The wave of pain gives you rest for a bit and than comes back. The feeling that you unable and nothing and no one can help you keep burning inside. By trying to make yourself busy you give yourself a little rest from inside firework. Time is the only thing which can fix you.

Whole my life I used to believe in 3 chances. Right now i realize that not jut me follow them. Doesn't matter how i try, my truth, my explanations. Nothing working. I hearted him 3 times and now my turn to be destroyed for things which I have done. He'll never forgive me. And my second try to solve things out and get him back keep burning in front of my face. I know now I would never leave him. I was stupid by believing people, keeping myself in my past. Tomorrow gonna be my 3d chance and after this I'm gonna be gone suffering and knowing that I lost one of the bet guy I ever had in this life. He can't trust me again and i guess his love is gone. Gone for real. From everything for him to nothing. Life is unfair that you realize things very late. But it's good that you learn. Everything has a reason I guess. He's right it's not meant to be. I love him now just for own suffering. It's like my karma for his pain. Well, I moved on once I'll move on again. Being friends with him gonna be at list something. At list I'm gonna get an opportunity to spend time with him. Accept your failure is the worst what you can do. But I don't have choice. The low of 3 times exist for everyone I guess.

Summer 2010. Because of my stupid and lazy behavior at school I had to take a summer semester. Where I registered for the English and Music to save my life from getting bad average. My English class become the best think ever happened to me. I was sitting and reading some handout, when in the class entered a bit chubby, with short curly hair boy. I got interested so fast. I looked at my engagement ring and kept saying. Hey, you engaged! Where you looking? So I just tried my best to concentrate in class. The teacher asked us to represent ourselves in front of the class. When the turn came to this guy, hid accent was hot! He's name is Gillian and he from Mauritius. Well, they speak french. I love this language. The teacher saw my face and said so speak French yh? Girls love French accent and looked at me and clicked with her eye. I got so red! I just turned fast in different direction and tried my best to never turn again. For a first week i was sitting far from him, hoping that he'll pay attention. However, what i wanted didn't happen. So, I just moved one guy who used to sit next to him without asking any permission. Even sitting next to him was incredibly comfortable. I used to put my stuff in 2 desks, mine and his. He never told me anything. I always wanted to be closer with him, so my charming attitude was 100% on during every class. I broke up with fiancee and it felt super right. Everyday I was asking Gillian what he's doing after class and he never gave me chance. I thought okay, I'm gonna show you how to don't care about me. I flirted with one arab guy and started to tell him, how amazing that gut is. He obviously didn't like friends treatment and the next day we had a walk. This walk became an amazing beginning for us. I said i don't want to take a bus and we should have a walk. While we were walking, we were playing around, we went to some bush and were putting water on each other. When he fall on me, he said leave a bottle or I'm gonna kiss u! I laughed and didn't leave a bottle but made a face like I'm eating lemon. He repeated same things and I lifted bottle. When we started to walk again, we were whole wet and full of grass. We came to mcdonalds to get a milkshakes. Te cashier looked at us like we are not normal perverts, or crazy rabbits. She was saying oh guys, my favorite milkshake is chocolate one.
I was so embarrassed to look like that but I was incredibly happy. We continued our walk, and he asked me what would you do if i kissed you. I said you r to pussy to do that. He was so shocked by this answer. He said are u sure? I laughed and kept walking. I wanted him to kiss me, but I wanted to make it unexpected and beautiful. We came to my residence where I changed and we decided to walk him home. We talked about everything. When we reached he's residence I said okay, bye pussy! I turned and started to count till 5. I heard he's running and saying oh yeah?! He turned me and kissed me. I got sooo shy. I was holding a tree, and felt like I'm 5. I couldn't leave him. It was amazing.

Hurts. Hurts like hell. When we were together I didn't appreciate it. I was with him because it was easy and always fun. I thought to be in relationship with someone who you dont love is an amazing think. However, I got trapped on my own. I did always what I wanted but I felt bad that he hurt inside because I can't give him same feelings which deeply inside I had. I didn't know that he's love is so weak for me, that it won't take him long to throw me from him head. I thought I have someone, and I'm not alone. And of course, when you realize you did a mistake it's to late to fix anything. Well im happy for him, to see his smile and cold attitude towards me was unusual, but I got what I wanted. I didn't know when I'll see all this I'll be suffering in pain. I got so many thoughts about him, dreams, memories. Why now? When first of all everyone left me! When I'm all alone. No one can come and tell you everything is gonna be okay. U just keep falling and falling. I wanted him to be happy and he is. But I never knew that everything what I was for him was 0. I'm easy to let go means I never meant a lot. Probably my karma came, again love someone who doesn't love u back.

November 26,2011. Simple add in vkontakte by Russian guy whose name Alexander. I'm just tired to feel like no one need me so I decided to go for the date. This guy by conversations seem like a smart guy. Anyways. We met at union station with a plan to go to the gallery. I lied to him that it's my favorite think ever, also that my mother is Brazilian. Well, maybe there is somewhere in me Brazilian. He's simple Russian look guy, came with iPad as his bag. When we went to the gallery it was closed, so we decided to go to the cinema to see Merlin Monroe movie. He was even sitting like girl putting his leg on top of other. Well cute guy, bough me Starbucks coffe. Was complimenting me all the time. A bit gay but was funny. I love talking and he gave me all attention to do so. Funny day. Zayne called me, he keep thinking that with me he can do whatever he want. He's so mistaken. Gillian keeps ignoring me. This is the only part which is said now. Because I really do love him. But I'm gone keep distracting myself with other things cuz I guess he moved on and don't need me anymore. I wish I would have a second chance. This time my head is so clean. Well, about date. The guy, is a bit gay, a bit trying to much I'm simpler than he think. However, with him easy, but it doesn't really matter cuz I'm not gonna date anyone for now and I don't like him that much. Going home now. Mood Is fine, but missing someone badly. Good night world.