made in USA. |
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I exercise not because I care about being big and strong, I just want to look good naked!
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I keep trying to lose weight , but it keeps finding me.
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I’m on a 30 day diet. So far I’ve lost 30 days
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife did.
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My motto in life is: If you can’t convince them, confuse the crap out of them!
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
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I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
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If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
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Nobody dies virgin, life fucks everyone
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Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I would be glad to make an exception.
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Life’s a bitch, if it were easy it’d be a slut.
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I fucked your whole pathos, gentlemen
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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You’ve worked hard all week. You deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, sweat on the bathroom floor and wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath and nauseous. Have a good time, because you deserve this.
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