Did i told you how nice is to be married?...lol
The thing, that is very precious to me, i mean very very precious,...
is waking up in the morning, and feel you love is near)),
he can snorre, or put his leg over you, but it so pleasant)))
Think i wouldnt change such moments on anything..
I like our first (morning) kisses..I love to open my eyes and see his smile..Feel his smell..sweet and very dear to me)
This feeling is sooo nice))I enjoy being wife))

So first thing, that is expecting you..is that you going to cook 5-6 time more then you usually did before..
Breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, second lunch(lol), dinner, snacks in between...are you frightened already?
And the food must not be the same ..(well, all my breakfast were usually the same, but it was my honeymoon..sure next time it wont be so))and it should contein meat, vegetables, not to be plain... did I forget anything?))
And even sometimes they like to cook too, as my husband for example..
He is cooking...Actually this means, that Randy tells me what to do..lol..
No, really he is very talented cook, i really liked all meals he made for us...
But after cooking it is such a mess in the kitchen..
You know..i really began to feel they are different ..i mean woman and man...like aliens...and if you accept this, that you begin to understand them))lol..hope my husband wont be offended))

Hi everyone..
I didnt write for so long....was really busy...doing different arrangements about my wedding...My Wedding...sounds great., isnt it?
So ...Randy came to Moldova and we concluded church marriage...he was sooo beautiful..I love him really, really much ..
You know..i wouldnt say i never saw man before..but it brought a lot of surprises living with a man..
I think i should requalify my blog into one about "life with man")))

You know i have today interesting talk with one of my friends..
She said that all brides have doubts, conserns before wedding...and asked if i have those...
MMM....its interesting that i never was doubting will Randy be good as my husband, will i be happy with him...
I simply knew and know now that i will be happy only with him..
Maybe this is real love? When no doubts at all, no backups, just trust!!!

Today ..after some work i decided to go to look for my wedding dress, I took Sveta with me and we went to wedding shops...
I dont really know how to describe what i felt....
I was walking among this gorgeos dresses, white, pink, creamy, vanilla, even red..lol...
I tried some dresses on me..but it wasn't what i wanted...I mean ..they were nice..but I didnt see anything special...
You better to understand what i mean need to know my tastes...I dont like too many details on wedding dress, these rich dresses remind me about romans' style))
And i think i didn't want my dress to be too simple...its wediing dress, and my daughter will wear this dress too))
You know...wearing wedding dress ...its difficult..its weight is at least 5 kiloes..lol)) and shirt...it is sooo tight..you even cannt breath in it, noone speaks about eating))lol..
When i tried first dress....well it was shock)) lol...
Nice shock...but i couldn't sit in it))
and if anything would fall i wont be able to rise it from the floor))
So ..i went to the next shop...and there i saw my dress...it is perfect...i liked it from first sight))..i asked to try it on me...and when i tried it...it was fantastically....i was looking in the mirror and see another girl there...i never saw her before...she was so vulnerable, so small in this dress...and she was happy..and ready for her groom to take her, for her king....
Sure i bought this dress...now look at it and want so much to wear it.....

Yesterday, while we were speaking on scype i heard some sounds..like Randy would type something...it was like he was chating with someone else...
I felt a bit offended...jealous..and i didn't really know why..
Before i never was jealous on nothing...i mean without any serious reason..
Maybe i am crazy??LOL
mmm....I think i am a bit greedy for his attention))
I can now only chat with Randy..and speak with him on Scype(( and other people..they can have it too...
Think when we will live together..and i will touch, feel, kiss him everyday, i will not pay so high attention on simple chatting...How do you think?

I realised i didn't write a lot of time...think i had a lot of things to ...live through ..to analyse, to understand..
As i told before it was a problem with the church..and the dates...So ...i was blaming myself a lot...You know...usually I am the one who is my best and roughest critics...i always analyse my mistakes..and nothing cannt touch me more..then my own attitude to me...
My mom knows it ...and even sometimes she helps me critisizing me (LOL, she understand that her bad suggestions about me are just nothing near mine one...)and she knows ..that if i did something bad..i realise that i am guilty and my punishment to myself will be the biggest one..so usually she is trying to mmm..tell me its ok, nothing to bad happend.....lalala....all such things...
So when I told to Randy about all what happend..i was already punishing me..i was already feeling guilty...and i was expecting his "baby its ok...we can try it in another church..."or " you should be strong and brave...just calm down and try again".....But i got completely different reaction...He yelled on me, telling i am "irresponsible, incompetent...and something else like this"....and i felt punished twice,..lol...the same size punishment...
His words...the intonation of sentence was mmm " a bit mean" if i can use such term...
But it was just for a minute...i think i was knowing that what he tells is true...and somehow his yelling on me ..it made me to relax more..not blame myself anymore...cause why should i do this if he took this job? LOL..
Do you know how the story ended? Mom called to me...felt how i am..then called my uncle..and he did everything....
I dont know what would happend if i couldn't do this thing with church...would he leave me??I think i never will know this...And dont really know if i want to know ....
As I said ..Randy can be sometimes very mean....not to me..no..but to others..
if i felt before he was mean with me critisizing me..now i know it was just "light variant" of what i would get if he didn't love me...LOL..Even in bad situations i see how he loves me...it makes me happy..
I think other people can think he is really bad person....But..I love bad boys...I love my bad man...LOL...and will do it always...And i dont really think he is so mean...people get that attitude, what they deserve..( for me it works too...)
Yesterday we talk with his friend...exgirlfriend ...lol..
And you know i think i am real masochist..lol...
He was telling me some things about his previous relations....some very intimate things...things that mmm in some way hurt my feelings...
But i am too curious...about him, his life...and even these things he was telling me...it makes my blood be hot...to boil..lol...It makes me hot to listen about this..even i understand that after i would try stop to think about his words...stop imagining his stories...Its all my sick curiosity....
And hope i am not that cat...

I ...am very confused...
Everyday i feel myself like addicted girl ...
Either euphoria and happiness, or just depression and sadness...
You know i wrote before we decided to marry with Randy..and i was so happy ...and had a lot of plans, party ...wedding dress...rings..
This day ruined all my plans((Today I was at the church..to set the date of my wedding..after all questions were answered...even I managed to do this without marriage certificate..we began to set the date...
And...on daddy's vacation we cannt do this, because of damned post...you know...period, when you cannt eat meat ..and all such things..
And this period finishes on 13July...just the date when daddy is flying back( 8.45 am)...can you imagine?
And the only one way ( very expensive) us to marry is to do this at 6 am in the morning..and right after the wedding ceremony we to go straight to airport...God..i cannt still believe in this..
Am i cursed?
What did i wrong to this world?It seems like god is testing our love again..but this is painfull...to make me to dream first..and then to destroy all of my dreams..
I .. don't know what to do...
what to say to dad..
Told this to mom...so she decided not to come.
what for i have all these?
I ...I am lost..
I only hope it is possible to change fly tickets with one day later...i mean flying from here..I already don't need any party ..just want to be with my husband..after our wedding..To have our first night...
Are my dreams too big??
I dont know how daddy will react...I know he loves me..But he wanted nice wedding, party..meet my relatives..

HI everyone...
I didn't write for sooo long...
Just sometimes feel ashamed of my happiness..LOL..
I am soo much in love with my daddy..
Miss him every second...But...very soon we will be together...
And not only together...Think he is going to marry me))
And i am a bit nervous about all these things..mom, dress, hairstyle, nails, wedding, apartment for us...so many things to do...
But these are very nice worries...Think it can be compared with worries when a couple expects for baby to born..
Think every girl is dreaming to be bride...white dress..flowers..like a princess..To say truth...i ..never thought to much about wedding...maybe i was just to busy before and had to be strong and think about something more....real and mmm..linked to present day..Now ..with my Randy I began to dream..Isn't nice?
I am dreaming to be bride...to be in hands of my daddy...to look in his eyes, saying "yes" and to hear him saying it..Dream he to put on my finger his ring..dream to wear it..feeling i am his wife...knowing it...showing to everyone..
mmm..we are going to have mmm..."first" marriage in church...you know here its two different procedures..the official one at the state registrator and in church...So..he is going to accept my religion Orthodoxy...I think its very much from him, how do you think? As for me...i think its very serious thing..and i appreciate it very very much..Seems he really loves me..))
And this is the most important for me..

Such a nice day today))
Sometimes, just waking up I understand that this is my day))
Cannt explain this feeling..
Want to smile, and see that world is smiling to you..
Just such nice day..sunny..as I like..
Walking on streets from work to work, feel sun kisses on my face))
Really wonderful..
Usually i walk fast and mmmm.. feel how wind flow near my face, push me in my chest, grass is sooo green arround...I love spring!!!
I can close my eyes and imagine i am on the beach..running..remind the smell of the air...so fresh.
Think in my previous life I was a fish.., or Nessi from Lochness..LOL..
I adore the sea!!!
Every year in spring I began to feel like being drugged..maybe i am seaaddicted?
Wish this year to be at the sea with my Randy,i would combine two biggest pleasures in my life))..but think it's impossible((
maybe next year?..

It is one of the worst days in my life..
It began soo good.
I almost all night slept with daddy near me..))We could even talk all night..very nice feeling..i saw dreams where we were together..
In the morning i went to present some statements..then desided to go to the doctor..to check if i will be soon Mom or no..
While sitting in line before doctor's room i was thinking what i want more..a baby or to remain slim for my daddy..and to have time to work out a bit..to prepare better to be mother..
Then i came in the room..lay on testing sofa..answered on doctor's question..the check was about 35-40 minutes..I was waiting and waiting..you know i am impatient..so finally he told me that he doesn't see any pregnance yet((
You know ..better he would hit me with something..It hurt me soo much to hear this..I hoped to be pregnant, to have daddy's child, to see happyness and proud in daddy's eyes..
Think doctor noticed what reaction i had on his words, cause he very fast told me to come after 10-14 days..to check again..he said maybe the baby is too small he could see him..I ..don't know from where, gathered last forces and asked what probability is that i am pregnant now..he said "very low"..
I felt myself soo terrible, well i feel now the same..
I went out so destroyed morally...but it wasn't the only my "adventure" this day..
I ...decided to go to another doctor to check again...you know here Moldavian chicken doctors dont know too well how to cure people..Sure there are some exceptions, but they only support the rule..
So i went to another doctor..another waiting line..another unpleasant check...the same result..you know..i was hoping till last second that first doctor was just incompetent...But when heard her words..something died in me..Sounds too patetically, but it's how i feel now..
It made me too understand how much i want a baby..no, not baby, Randy's baby!!, i would give everything to have him..
Also you know...to check they use 2 instruments..with one they just rub the belly, and another they introduce inside you..i felt so mm..terrible..realised there i have place only for daddy, noone, nothing else..
And now..i really afraid to tell these "news" to daddy, don't want to see disappontment in his eyes..Really hope he will read my blog before we talk..I don't know..maybe i am afraid he would love me less...we wanted that baby so much..I hate now my weakness..I should be stronger now..Think daddy will feel even worse..he doesn't like to show me his pain.
You know, just few days ago he told me that he will be happy anyway..but now i feel he told this only to calm me..to help me to live these moments...
I came to work after that check, stayed there a while, and then went home...just couldn't think about anything else today..
Thanks God and me i have such job that i can work at home too..
I tried to work at home..to work hard..just not to think about this..but its again and again in my head..And my favourite tea is finished, which i got used to drink to calm..
God, why it's so hurts..?

Its another rainy day..
Very cold outside..
But i am sooo happy..today talk with my daddy)), played with him warcraft.
Enjoyed this time. You know, sometimes he yells at me, when i am doing something wrong..First time it was really frustrating ..But now..think i got used with it)) But tsss....Don't tell him)))Think i just now much more confident in his love for me)))Even he yells i know he wants just the best for us, for me...(well i hope its so)..
We talk today about friendship with ex'es..He told me that he is still in touch with his exgirlfriends..and told them about us being together..
Well i was thinking about this, like i got used for last 5-6 years, you know psycologist's way to think..
How can we be friends with the person you loved?..i mean really !! loved..Not just some sort of flirt, or passion, or sex...
well i think it will depend on way of breaking off the relations..Sometimes when they both understand that love is gone..then i can believe in such of friendship...
But when one of them still loves?
I think it would be a sort of sado-mazo relations..To hear from your ex-, whom you still love that he has new girlfriend..or even to see her photoes..It would make me crazy..But think i would be still curious)))"The curiosity kills the cat))"Its about me, i am that cat..lol..Even if would hurt me i would be interested in my ex- life and relation( if i would love him)..
And another thing I realised is that I just cannt imagine we are not together with Randy...its just impossible)))..Science fiction..