http://lenall.livejournal.com/

I <3 my romashka & my bubble baths, & I'm fine.

So much shit to do tom. gotta meet up w. Asya & then shopping...

Can't wait till Fri. Imma sleep, sleep, SLEEP! Then watch KVN & sleep some more...
On Sat. I'll do my laundry & then convince my mom to buy me a new bed hehehe
On Sun. I think I'm gonna....get some more SLEEP.

This diary entry is really boring b.c. I'm sure nobody cares what ''fun'' things I'm planning to do over the weekend.

ughh I wanna feel better already! :(
I hate the cold, & I want it to be my birthday!

Guess I should go get some sleep gotta be up early tom.

About at least ten of them happened to me. With this weather you can't even go out of your fckng house. & I don't even know why my ass is still up at this late hr because I have to be up & ready to go by ten in the morning tomorrow. Not considering the time it will take to dry my hair, potomu4to sei4as ya eto ne v sostayanie delat'...

ugh I wish I would find a placebo for a broken heart. Preferably not the one I used in my past & nothing that would be considered a recipe for destroyment of self.


I'm in pain, physical pain. Emotional pain adds to it though. :]

Hopefully tomorrow ya ulomayu Igorya to go to TWO museums instead of 1, to finally finish my stupid report for A.H. What's fascinating is that I hate art, I hate history, but them combined is actually better than them separted.)))

Im sucha conniving little snake...& I'm enjoying EVERY minute of it.
so...who's next in line BITCHES? ;)

Dinner...

Oleg:vot dibil
Mama:net, Lena, eto nazivaetsa afftar vipei yadu i ubei sebya ap stenku.

!ROFL!

Oleg:ti 4to hodish na padonok.com?

*my mom & I start a discussion*

Mama:net ne hoju. prosto Lena vsyakuyu X**nyu delaet poetomu govoryu afftar vipei yadu!
Oleg:oi!Ira, tol'ko mojno ne zdes' i ne sei4as.

*every1 dies laughin*

*my mom & I leave the kitchen*
Oleg:vot tak to lu4she...

Mama:ti zneash ne ego meste ya bi davno bi pomenyala adress, telefon, mesto jitel'stvo 4tobi nikogda na svete ne nashla.
LMAO

...

Later on that same evening...

Mama:a 4to eto za den'gi na stole lejat?
Oleg:a eto Nikita otkup za Lenu prinosil...
ROFL.




Later on that night...


My mom & Oleg argue over where to hang the painting & how a toy duck ended up in our house...

Me:people why are you so weird?
Mom:s toboi sorevnuemsya =)






I get my comebacks from my mama =)

my obsessing is the hobby I need to QUIT.


all I need for in a bf is for him to be a sweet talker, a bit creative, & a pinch of romantic... & a tad of very go0d poetry. yeah, yeah I think that'll make it.



I bet if Asya was here she'd say ''bang your head against the wall.'' Which is what I'm about to do. As soon as I'm done typing this. But yeah, that blog made my CRY for a go0d 15 minutes... I've never read anything so brutally honest, down to earth, from the heart, touching, so sad but sweet GOOD.



See, this is me. I'm gullible & I love depending on what I hear. ex: if a person tells me he loves me & I might not believe him but I won't care, just for the fact that HE SAID IT. I can be with someone who does nothing for me, but, if he can TALK, I mean really creative love poetry writing songs talking I'll be with him, & I hate that about myself, words blind my sense of reality.


In conclusion,Imma wrap this up!

В колонках играет - ''Pictures of You.''- The Last Goodnight.
Настроение сейчас - fckd

I think I've found the answer to everyone's ''why does Lena date clowns?'' question...


I JUST realized that even though outgoing-''center of attention'' people may be be a bit fake, they're definitely more stable, more opinionated, yet, their ''open mindedness'' or w.e. you wish to call it makes them easy going & friendly.


Though, it may not seem this way, but I am never too quick to judge. I just really hate people that aren't able to say something face to face, yet once they go online they start acting out. I wonder if those rejects realize that by doing that, they're just making THEMSELVES look stupid & sad...

В колонках играет - ''Angeli''- CJ Omen (Rsdio Edit.).
Настроение сейчас - confused!!!

Wish everything wasn't so confusing, perhaps I am overcomplicating things. I'm not jealous of her, or anyone... I just keep thinking that if we both interest him, then what makes him be with me & not her? We both might have similar qualities that he looks for, with the only difference that I am ready to be with him & she's not. & sadly, this might be why he chose me over her, not because of anything else. I mean, I'm sure a lot more factors contribute to ''us being together'', but if that one is one of them I'm not the type to follow through with it. & I'm honestly not allright with it, because there's no difference between using a person, & being with them simply because they agree to be with you. I really don't give a fck who he speaks to, as long as I know that there's a reason why he's with me & not someone else...as long as I know I matter a little more to him than any other, you'd think I'm not asking for much, then why aren't we working out?


I guess as us being ''friends'' I don't notice it anymore. Because he doesn't really get anything from me & by that he shows me that he truly cares, & I want to go back but going back means not being afraid...anymore. & I know he won't cheat or anything like that, but having feelings for two people at a time is considered more than cheating, in my understanding...


''If I have to stop being a jealous bitch, & stop driving him crazy in order to be with him. Then that is what I'll do.''





I don't mind them talking, I mind him having feelings for her while he is with me, he can love her all he wants but then he's going to have to stay away from me. I'm not a fckng doll, so I won't even try pretending to be one.



I guess this way I just don't feel used so it's easier for me & I'm not always a nervous wreck. It's all very psychological, & just the fact that he might like her more only for the fact that she rejected him & I didn't & I guess in his eyes that makes her look more w.e., more ''hard to get'', more desirable. & the problem isn't me being heartbroken, I'm not gonna ''not survive'' w.o. him, the problem is me ''replacing someone.'' I'd rather be alone than be a fake replacement for something that could've been real. With time I just got really used to the fact that if people aren't working out together, that doesn't necessarily mean that one of them is ''bad'' or not ''good enough'' it just means that they are looking for someone different. Plenty of examples of that from my personal life, Dima who's all ''drugs, sex & rock & roll'' OBVIOUSLY wasn't for me & my Dima Bilan ringtones, so he found a girl that actually LIVES his lifestyle, she's not better than me, she's not really more attractive than me, were just different. Same here like what are you gonna do kill yourself over it? Theres 3 more million guys in this world so what are the chances of you falling in love 53 more times?


Then again all of this could just be my imagination, but facts are facts, & people always want something they can't have, & guys always respect girls who can say ''no'' to them. What are you gonna do bout that? nothin. live with it or not, my choice, what I decide...I don't know.

Wish everything wasn't so confusing, perhaps I am overcomplicating things. I'm not jealous of her, or anyone... I just keep thinking that if we both interest him, then what makes him be with me & not her? We both might have similar qualities that he looks for, with the only difference that I am ready to be with him & she's not. & sadly, this might be why he chose me over her, not because of anything else. I mean, I'm sure a lot more factors contribute to ''us being together'', but if that one is one of them I'm not the type to follow through with it. & I'm honestly not allright with it, because there's no difference between using a person, & being with them simply because they agree to be with you. I really don't give a fck who he speaks to, as long as I know that there's a reason why he's with me & not someone else...as long as I know I matter a little more to him than any other, you'd think I'm not asking for much, then why aren't we working out?

A couple of days ago, actually like Monday, I had a very...interesting encounter. For some strange reason it kinda made my day. So whatever, I wake up, as usual I know I'll be late... I get to the ts & there's this guy & he looks SO FAMILIAR- it's not even funny. Yet, at the same time he's the opposite of what I remember him to be. & then it hits me, it's one of the guys from the NY team of KVN. Point of this was, that it made me realize how different & random & unique people can be. I mean I KNEW that this guy probably has a life of his own outside of what he does but I just didn't know what it was... & it made me understand that people should be like that, they should be DIFFERENT depending on the situation, they should act, dress, behave differently. I mean, here is this ''funny'' guy ''playing'' guitar, & doing comedies on stage & the next morning he gets up puts on his black suit/black tie, takes his briefcase & he's ready to do business, how bizarre is that? (in a go0d sense) & his long hair wasn't messy as I remember it, it was gelled & put back into a ponytail. Later on I realized he's probably over 20, since his cell wallpaper was a picture of an adorable baby... But despite everything, his ''Saturday concert smile'' was gone, & his face showed a mixture of seriousness & concentration...


THURSDAY: Randomly met Irina at the ts in the morning, talked about colleges... she's in Hunter now & seems as though she doesn't regret it for now. Lunch w. Tanya was the shit, reading SEVENfckngTEEN magazine. So the question remains unanswered, why WOULD anyone do an ad for acne medication, & FOR FREE? I mean, WE don't care if you embarrass yourself, but seems like you don't either.
Damn, I'm shocked this year I actually LIKE my math class, the teacher isn't boring (which is unusual) & the work is easy, mad easy. Gov. is a nightmare, & I want to so0n wake up from it with an 85% in my hands. =) Graphics...not bad- but stressful.
P.S. Micky D's w. Kristy, Jesse, & ppl after school, was a bad choice. Then pizza with mom, an even worse choice. junkfo0d combined w. junkfo0d= A HORRIBLE CHOICE.

Настроение сейчас - anger, surprisingly...

She feels what I feel, or I feel what she feels, whats the difference? Why does this always happen? I mean, it's really easy for me to tell, since I know how I felt when I wrote something, & I'm not so bad in analyzing someone else's words, either. We weren't ''unhappy'' we were just in need of a dramatic change, just not sure what we wanted that change to be. ''we''...hmm...wow. & we don't miss them, we missed the little nuisances, the little things to be done for us, the ''idea'' of a person, & of course the memories. Of course, I'm sure there's more than two girls in this world that feel like this, but this is just weird. Got me really pissed for some reason, too. lol.

В колонках играет - ''I Don't Give A Damn.''- Avril Lavigne.
Настроение сейчас - careless . . .

will I stop listening to Avril Lavigne & dancing & singing that their walls are shaking? no. =)

but despite that, thank God.


I guess she was right, we needed time to understand each other & what we wanted. What makes it so much easier is that by now we're so used to each other's good & especially bad sides. & unfortunately you can only know it's love after you've compared & contrasted, that's the way life works. She told me if it's yours it'll come to you, if not then it's not. & no matter how much patience it took, & under what circumstances good or bad, it still came to me. Sometimes you need for something bad to happen in order for something good to occur as a result, God works in mysterious ways.

268 слушали 2 копий [+ в свой плеер]

''Зачем люди расстаются? Почему кончается плохо то, что начиналось так хорошо, Уже ушел тот час, когда вы были вместе, И ты страдаешь, не находишь себе места. На сердце пресно, на душе грустно, Пустота вокруг, какие странные чувства, От каждой разлуки на душе шрамы, И боль потери не даст затянуться швами. Ты пустынен, ты потерял человека, И в любви уже инвалид и калека, В кое-то веке еще способен на движение вперед, Но вопрос: встретишь ли ту, что ТЕБЯ ПОЙМЕТ? Когда уйдет последняя надежда, Не пожалеет ли она о том, что было прежде, Не заплачет ли в конце-концов все понимая? Идя по жизненной дороге, я часто замечаю, Как люди бегут навстречу друг другу, А потом скандалы, ссоры, боль, разлука, А внутри разруха: Скучаешь по тому, кто дорог. Душевное тепло закончилось, остался холод, Друзья не помогут... С самим собой наедине, Ты шепчешь сквозь слезы - Я СКУЧАЮ ПО ТЕБЕ. Не чувствуя уже ни мрака, ни света, Зачем же люди расстаются, потом жалея об этом? Любовь... Любовь. Как много в этом слове Понять мнений, изменений, Ведь сколько на земле людей, Столько же мировоззрений. Она приходит и уходит, А люди остаются. И, кроме как чувствам, Души больше не сойдутся! Я это понял лишь тогда, когда ушла ты от меня, Когда со мной остались лишь друзья, моя семья, Они. Спасибо братья вам за то, что подбодряли вы меня, И не давали уходить в себя. Я помню это время, когда ушла, не попрощавшись, Пожелав мне в жизни счастья, но пойми, Что СЧАСТЬЕ - это ТЫ, ты все мой мечты. Пойми, что ты одна на свете для меня Богом создана, Я тебя не отдам я никому и не переживу разлуки я с тобой, Хоть ты кальнешь иглой, пойду я на край света за тобой. Говорят, что время лечит - ЛОЖЬ! Мое оно калечит, без тебя проживая день за днем, Я убиваюсь, вспоминая те деньки когда, Наслаждался я тобой, моим присутствием с тобой, Твоей улыбкой и глазами, и даже редкими слезами, Все было безупречно. Я думал, это бесконечно, Но оказалось все как миг, и ты ушла в час пик моих эмоций. И что же сделала любовь со мною? В итоге, стоя перед Богом, Каясь, мучаясь, спасаясь, на жизненном пути ломаясь, Стараюсь это все забыть, но сердце чувствует и знает, Что в жизни так всегда бывает. Даже если расстаются, все равно что-то осталось, В душе все, что было, никуда не подевалось, А на сердце боль утраты камнем брошенный на дно. Любовь, казалось, была важной, а оказалась сиротой, Вновь все устои, принципы, моральные законы сломаны, В одно мгновение в жертву счастью уготованы, И скованы движения сердца, силы нету биться вновь. Ты сомневаешься в значении слова "любовь". И каждый раз, когда ты вспоминаешь про меня, То что было раньше... На глазах выступают слезы от обилья фальши, лжи и грязных обещаний, Пусто брошенных на ветер. Те слова и даже чувства Подхватил все тот же ветер и унес куда-то в неизведанную даль, Как не пытайся птицу счастья ухватить, Ее здесь нет - жаль! Попробуй лучше все забыть, старайся жить по-новому, Попытайся все же сильным быть и ко всему готовому. Конечно, будет трудно, скажем честно: нелегко, Если в отношених зашли вы очень далеко. Но разве спор и несогласие - это повод к расставанию, Если вспомнить как когда-то в вас двоих горело пламя. Как смотрели друг на друга час за часом и молчали, Думали, что это вечно, но итога не знали, Стоит ли расставаться, стоит ли забывать, Если точно знаешь, что когда-нибудь все всплывет опять. И снова будешь мучаться и снова будешь плакать, Снова капли горьких слез будут на бумагу капать... СЕРДЦЕ РАЗРЫВАЕТ ГРУДЬ, О МЫСЛЯХ ПРОШЛОГО ЗАБУДЬ, ЗАЧЕМ ВОПРОС ТЕРЗАЕТ ДУШУ, ЧУВСТВА МОГУТ ОБМАНУТЬ. ВЗГЛЯД ДО БОЛИ МИЛЫЙ, ЖДУ, БЛАГОДАРЮ СУДЬБУ ЗА ТО, ЧТО ХОТЯ БЫ НЕ НА ДОЛГО БЫ МОИМ ОН СВЕТОМ, НО СКВОЗЬ ПЕЧАЛЬ ИДУ ВПЕРЕД, НЕ ЗАКРЫВАЯ ГЛАЗ НА МИГ, МЕЧТУ ОСТАВИВ ПОЗАДИ, СРЕДИ ЗАВЕТНЫХ СЛЕЗ И ЛИР...''

ahhh tom. I'm getting it w. Misha & Edik. wow, okay I respect ppl like that. Technically Edik didn't have to go through all of SI to help me do this, & actually rem. & commit to it, considering we chilled like once.
props<3
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=126121430
btw this isn't bad, not my style but I approve. =]


*now I can actually put my lyrics into songs, & I mean some of my poems are bangin'

Albisha had the best idea...we decided to have a girls night in lol. Me, Albina, Asya, Nastya, Yana, Jenya, & Kitty & Alla who were missing, bet you Kitty probably got lost again, but no this time it was better, she just disappeared. Of course as always me & Yana made some other plans for the ''after-party'' so me, her, her bf Nikita/Vanya lol & Roman went for a ride. Of course as always there's the hour that we take to decide where to go so this time I'm like I don't care were going to SG's, two days in a row btw lol. So I guess the hookah really got to me this time, that we were walking back talking about birthday's for some reason. I brought up Lenny's & Yana's like ''do you think he'll invite you?'' okay now, it was like fucking 0 degrees lol, I was wearing flip-flops & a tank top while those 3 smart asses were wearing winter jackets, so yeah plus the hookah really must've damaged my brain: ''you think he'll invite me after I fucked...& I stop I'm like wait what's that word after fucked...fucked'' They're like okay you said fckd three times we get it now LMAO, 5 minutes pass I'm like Ooh! OVER, that's it. They were making fun of me for the rest of the way we had to walk to get to Roman's car which was like 50 blocks away, thanks to lack of parking spots. LMAO not to mention that was just hookah not weed, lol.

Then I ended up sleeping over @ Roman's place w. Nikita, if Yana finds out I gave Nikita a massage she'll flip lol. Then I gave Roman one in return that he'll give me one also. He's MAD good, I mean seriously masseuse status. lol I've never slept this peacefully, like how we fell asleep the same way we woke up. amazing. & this idiot wakes me up in the middle of the night...morning...whatever asking if he can bite me I'm like yo dude do you sleep? fckng 5 am lol. So then it gets freakin freezing & this one's like what are you talking about I'm boiling, I'm like boiling, beautiful I'm taking your blanket if you're boiling. lmao 8 am I hear ''sos'' Rihanna under my pillow it took me like 7 min.s to get ready & dressed & everything, out of fear of mom, lol. Then we went to Mirage, lucky guys, they're morning people lol, so we're sitting there & he's telling Nikita about bottle opener, he's like ''takoi prikol'ni pacan'', I'm like yeah whatever I agree with you. I'm like ''da, Nikita jalko ti ego ne zastal, you would've liked him too.'' No it's just ironic that Roman is saying that, but it's cool I kinda like that when people aren't like negative...
P.S. Roman is lucky I ain't picky like Yana with the color of the boxers lmao, I matched though, if I match I sleep peacefully)))
& I was home by like 9:30. mom's not mad anymore lol. but all this is on the dl lol, on the internet, but still dl.

В колонках играет - ''Vavilon.''-Kipelov.
Настроение сейчас - weak

That's it, from now on I'm gonna listen when my family tells me something. I feel like an idiot right now, cuz I can't even come up to anyone & admit that they were right & I should have listened...I just don't want to hear ''I told you so.'' & I don't want them to think I'm not smart enough to be able to make independent decisions, smart decisions...ponyatnoe delo 4to na oshibkah u4utsa, but still. I know that it's better to come crying to ppl who love you than ostaca v durakah, all by yourself. a kstati, I wouldn't be in this position if I didn't act like a ''know-it-all''& didn't take their advice so offensively. That's the part of my personality that self-destructs me so many times... I can't look at a situation from a different angle, I either see the good, or the bad, & apparently I couldn't see that they wanted what's best for me.

V just called invited me to a party. I'm like I can't go, he's like okay are you sick? I'm like no, he's like are you crying? & I realized that ''something got in my eye'' won't work this time...

Настроение сейчас - pretty satisfied.

Just came home from a pretty fun night. Me, Yana, Yana, Roman, Karina, Karina, Vlad, Asya, Kitty, Murat, Alla, Zhenya, Yana, Garry, Valera, Dima, & many more to name went to PI2, I didn't really like it, maybe cuz the DJ sucked. The music sucked, & the way he mixed it sucked even more, lol. But me, Yana, her bf Nikita, & Roman left right @ the right moment, when the cops came. That's another reason why I don't like PI, Coney Island...you got the point. I mean 4to oni tuda hodyat pod 4ernogo bumera tancevat'? Seriously...so we left to San Giovanni's, EVERYBODY'S favorite place. Then all 4 of us kinda fell asleep after the hookah lol. Yana's bf Nik's like pointing @ sleeping Roman like you single? I'm like yeah, but no. lol He's like got it, too crazy? I'm like no a part of me is still broken so I wouldn't even try anything now. He's like gottcha. I'm like besides, Kitty... he's like he's so over that. But then Roman dropped Yana off, & then dropped me off, he's actually really nice despite what people say. I remember he even gave me some advice on bottle opener ;) lol I <3 guys...as friends. from now on, & for now that's where I stand.

fucking weather, ya v4era Vladu skazala it would rain cuz my knee hurt, in return he called me a babushka wtf lol.

Me & Zhenya has a pretty good talk before we got to PI. Only me & him have id to get beer, we decided to use mine but I'm like I'm not going alone so he went with me & I used that time to my benefit.

& what Yana's retarded ex is doing is fucked up, ya ego poslala. cuz you know on kak Fima, ot menya 4ego-to jdet pri4em pri etom mne vret i daje ne skrivaet. wtf you know, mne s nim net nadobnosti obsh'atsa, vot pust' teper' i dumaet. dibil. But I appreciate the fact that he apologized for almost getting me & Yana into a fight, & breaking up me & Nik. He's like sama vinovata to 4to vse Yane rasskazala, ya ei i ne dumal ni4ego govorit' I was gonna break up with her if you said yes to me, prishles' tebya podstavit'. I'm like iight w.e. it's cool. Kinda like what Tolik did to cover his ass, but we're okay too. Voobshem te kto hotyat peredomnoi izvenitsa...vsegda pojalusta, net, pust' eto budet na vashei sovesti.

pretty satisfied with today/tonight.

В колонках играет - ''Superman.''- Del'ta.
Настроение сейчас - still excited lol.



nikogda ne verila v ego ''lyubov'', i teper' vse moi somnenie sami podtverdilis'. ya sama sebe vrala i sama za eto teper' raspla4ivayus'. ya rada 4to takoi 4elovek kak on nikogda ne znal menya, po nastoyash'emu, takaya kakaya ya est' on menya nikogda ne uznaet. i s4ital on menya krasivoi tol'ko po principu ''beauty is only skin deep.'' ya nikoga ne byla s nim otkravenna, ni v 4em, potomu4to on v svoe vremya ne dal mne po4uvstvovat' 4to emu mojno doveryat, i kak vsegda moya intuicia menya ne podvela. ya ne otrecayu 4to on mojet byt' ne plohoi 4elovek, no daje s takimi vspil4ivimi lyudmi nujno byt' po okuratnei, potomu4to esli popastca im pod gorya4iyu ruku all hell will break loose on you. vprincipi 4to on i sdelal. polu4aetsa zamknutiy krug ya emu ne doveryala potomu4to ojidala vsego etogo, no neznayu 4to bylo bi esli bi ya vela sebya podrugomu, neudivitel'no esli bylo bi toje samoe. mojet prosto ya v nem probujdayu samie ego hudshie ka4estva. perhaps. ya prosto ponimayu 4to ya to4no takaya j kak i on, sei4as v porive gneva mogla bi sdelat' takoe o 4em bi potom o4en' sil'o pojelala. bili predlojeniya no vsyo produmav ya ot nih otkazalas...nu i 4to iz etogo horoshego budet...on prav potom sama plakat' budu...hotya eto bi pomoglo, potomu4to ya viju po horoshemu on ne ponimayet, ili u nego uje netu sil ponyat' 4to libo. pust' on poka vo vseh vidit vragov, vo mne v pervuyu o4ered' no mojet proidet vremya, ili poyavica um, 4to menee veroyatno, i on poimet 4to tol'ko potomu4to ya ni4ego ne predprinila v svyazi s ego umeneem pro menya vsem interesnie istorrii rasskazivat' ne zna4it 4to ya ob etom neznayu, i sovsem ne zna4it to 4to menya eto ne zadivaet, prosto zna4it to 4to v otli4ii ot nego ya imeyu kakoe to uvajenie k 4eloveku na kotorogo ya potratila 10 mesyacev moei jizni. vot i vse.


''ostin', podumay, posmotri na vse ina4e, i uvid' 4to TY sdelal ne pravilno.''- Molodie i Zlye.

В колонках играет - ''Protest.''- NAIV.
Настроение сейчас - excited.


yeah sometimes it just gets to me...I don't wanna deny the fact that I'm human, & I have feelings just like everyone else. I hate when ppl put their guard up & na4inayut pered vsemi opravdavatsa like their in court I swear. ve4no ne uverenie v sebe postoyano vidyut nadobnost' vsem i vse dakazat'. eto is serii ''NU VOT MNE NAPRIMER VSE RAVNO 4TO PRO MENYA LYUDI DUMAYUT'' da, tak vse ravno 4to ti vidish nadobnost' dokazat' svoyu ''pravatu'' vsemu facebooku. kak v detskom sadike ''eto ona pervaya na4ila''...a ti sebya sprashival komu eto interesno? toje samoe esli ya sei4as pozvonyu Sashe i na4nu ego pereubejdat' 4to eto okazivaetsa ne ya vinovata A ON. interesno 4to bi Sasha ob etom podumal. A Ane, TO4NO TAKJE vse ravno kak i Sashe. Prosto DAJE Ane stala smeshno to 4to on moim sledam hodit. where I comment, he comments. where I write a note, he writes a note. uspakoisya uje prava nikto tebya ne trogaet uje kak 2 nedeli.
vot ona prishla vesna, kak PARANOIA...

Neznayu gde na4at', ya derju sebya v rukah, ne budu j ya vikidovat' concert na ves' Brighton. Hotya kozalos' bi nado...
Prosto esli esh'e raz uslishu kakie-to plohie sluhi v moi adress komu-to o4en' sil'no ne pozdarovitsa. Ya za napisonoe mnoi otve4ayu.
S drugoi storoni ya sama uje doljna ponimat' komu verit' i komu net, neznayu 3 protiv 1. Ya 4elovek naivniy (vse znayut) i inogda pravda veryu v to 4to vsyo eto glupie spletni, a poroi dumayu 4to voobshe dura 4to mogu hot' na sekundu poverit' v to 4to vse takie horoshie i dobrie, a za spinoi takoe tvoryat...

1.)Never, ever put anyone in a position where you know they can't say ''no'' to you, even though they might want to. Don't lie to yourself, or you're gonna fck yourself over, literally.

2.)Never call your babushka in Kazakhstan to advise you on your relationship in NEW YORK. I mean she might be magical & all that, but you know if you're stupid she ain't gonna help you.

3.)If one of your friends tells you that your bf is probably with his ex right now, chances are, they had a boring day & they wanna see your reaction & have a good laugh. very evil laugh, not out loud of course...but they'll laugh, trust me.

4.)Don't protect your friend from your girlfriend, especially if her comebacks are like a muha compared to a slon, besides you KNOW your friend can out-talk both of you, & by far. =]

5.)When passing in the neighborhood of your ex bfs house, DON'T spontaneously decide that you NEED to buy a hamster because you're feeling lonely...cuz I mean a hamster is worse than a boyfriend, you're gonna have to feed him, clean after him, & he's not gonna do shit except exercise in that lil round thing some people call a wheel. Then again, at least he exercises.)

6.)Don't be exited about passing night school, when you know you could have just done good in day school. But you know I guess those are the people who love school so much that they wanna stay three extra hours after school is out for normal people.

7.)Don't trip & fall at your own prom, expecially if you're nmot wearing heels...this might cause people to think that they've drank too much, when in reality it's most likely that you drank too much.

8.)Don't get a bf w.o. a job. (self explanatory)

9.)Don't act like a nympho & then pretend to be surprised that your bf is neglecting you. I mean damn, too much is just too much

10.)Don't do rock concerts if you can't do rock concerts.

11.)Don't come on an audition for Fabrika & tell the judges ''oh, I didn't come here for Farbika, I was just passing by, you know went out to the deli to get some milk, decided to stop by, see what's up.'' Cuz chances are, they ain't taking you.

12.)Don't accept an offer all the way in Tver' to play guitar after you just got your nails done, not smart, don't be blonde, like me.

13.)Don't abuse your bf/destroy his house, I think your mom has more interesting stuff to do than to get angry phone calls from his mom & then pay for medical bills & shit.

14.)Don't play ''sand in a sock'' on a Sat. night on Brighton Beach when all the babushka's are walking their dogs.

15.)Don't be an isterik/isterichka.

16.)Don't talk shit about ppl in BK thinking it won't get to them, because it will & they probably ain't gonna appreciate it. Unless they love attention, to vi im delaete horoshiy piar, pri4em for free.]

17.)This is for all you SP fans: You & your friend go to the beach to tan, she asks you if she's tanning the right way. Don't answer ''TiMMy!'' (One, that leaves her clueless, two, that makes you look stupid.)

18.)Don't get drunk if you have a photoshoot the next morning. A photoshoot consisting of headshoots...ahem.

19.)Don't untie by bathing suit, refuse to tie it, & then try to teach me to play ''Bespe4niy Angel'' on the beach...in the pouring rain, kak vi sebe eto predstavlayete?

20.)Don't stay up until 5 am w. your step sis. discussing bubbling experiences, then get up in the morning & read articles in cosmo about it. That's basically why people wonder ''why the day is so short?'' Try getting outta bed sometimes.

21.)Don't play ''ya nikoga net'' after a few Martinis. (even though I rock at that game ;)

22.)Don't procrastinate, you'll regret it.

23.)Don't regret.

24.)When you call your ex, try to ask how they're doing, not WHO they were dong last night. Even though we all know you want to.

25.)Don't think too much, but think enough to be two steps ahead.

26.)Don't od on valeryanka.

27.)DON'T stalk your ex under his building and call him from a pay phone saying you don't got your damn metrocard. Either he won't give a fck, & you're gonna have to stand there the whole night or admit that you lied. Your choice. My advice? Both ways you're kinda fckd.

28.)Don't lie if you know you have the memory of a babushka.

29.)Don't go throwing bottles & burning paper on Brighton Beach...I hope YOU're not the reason the ''Tatyana'' burned down...tsk tsk.

30.)If you see a big pink box that says ''Clothing & Shoe Drop'' Don't take a picture with it & then post it everywhere on the internet, because if you didn't know...it's a garbage can, except for clothes & it's pink but that won't make people think you're anymore sane than if you took one near a recycling bin.

© -L.L. 9.12.07.

I feel like I'm going back to the place I don't want to return to. I realized the more you dream, the harder you fall. & now I'll be honest, I find myself at a place where I don't see myself being stable, nor secure, or confident. Even though I had the support of people close to me, had plans, & now I'm not even sure if they will be turned into reality not just a stupid thing I thought of, but failed to accomplish. I'm tired of that happening, I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want at least one thing in my life to take place, I want Baruch, & I will get it. I'm not a stupid girl, I know I can do this if I just try harder. I just feel like I let everyone down...this lady who's like a family friend first time she saw me she went straight to her friend who's a well known guitar teacher from Tver'. She's like you gotta see this girl, long hair, long fingers she's made for it, she fits perfectly. He agreed said it'll take two months. Then me & her thought about it & decided that would be a good & original idea for Fabrika. Besides, not forgetting the fact that I could've asked him to write the music for my lyrics, & recorded it in Tver' which is MUCH cheaper than doing the same thing in Moscow. That was basically done. It was planned for this summer but didn't work out, so we moved it a little farther away. Then as I was setting my goals for MGU, she told me she had an acquaintance there that could help me with half of the stuff I need help on...& you know all of that I just fckd it up for myself. Everything I ever truly wanted. & @ this point I honestly feel like giving up, but then I realize I can't let myself further self-destruct.
The only people who know about my ''new found problem'' are Asya & Igor, because I know with them it won't get around all of Brooklyn.
(P.S. If I'm wrong, I won't deny it.)
I just realized that the reason why nothing is happening for me is not because ''I'm not skinny enough'', not because of ''karma''. But just the simple fact that I don't try hard enough. My parents aren't rich, poetomu ojidat' 4to na menya 4to-to s nebo svalitsa vsyu jizn' nel'zya. I don't recognize myself sometimes, when I got drunk the night before the photoshoot this summer, voobshe kak ya mogla eto sdelat'? Plus I let down EVERYONE cuz it was an ACTUAL photoshoot. Then, guitar, okay she told me about the nails fine, they were gone like the next day. She's like don't expect it to be easy though, she was like I remember it hurt like a bitch I still practiced. (Well okay that I can give myself credit for cuz I still decided to go through w. it.) But in general I understand that I need to put my motivation & ambition towards ACTUALLY doing something, & starting SOMEWHERE.
My family, I don't even want to go there. it's hard to talk about no ya sama eto perejivu, I don't want nor need random people from the internet reading it.
my health is a whole different story, I've talked to my grandmother about it this summer. & I know she's right I need to go get my heart check out, & the thing with constant headaches...I'm just honestly afraid, cuz I remember I had mad problems with it in the past, that just drove me to tears, it just scares me that I don't know what's wrong w. me. i kak ne zlo that day everyone, one by one decides to come over to ask me to go chill. I'm like tell them I'm not here because I am not one of those people who enjoys people feeling bad for her. I didn't want anyone to know about this, it took me an hr to get myself together, put a smile on my face & walk out. Of course before hand I took like an hr long walk by myself, I felt it was necessary.
Right now I feel stress, & nothing but. & even though I know everything will pass, & I'll look back & smile, right now it's just hard. I came home & Igor calls me, then Vanya calls me, I just turned off my phone crawled into bed with my bear & fell asleep @ least for half an hr to get away from my (unfortunately) reality.

I know I might be fckd up in the head, with a fckd up life but I know one thing. I'm real, more real than ANY OF YOU. Nobody can tell me otherwise because no matter what music I listen to, or what color my hair is, or even what clothes I choose to wear...ya ne vistavlayu ni4ego na pokaz, kak mnogie iz vas uspeshno delaut.

Okay, so I wrote this poem towards the end of the summer (I don't really rem. the date so I just randomly put the 25th), I swear I wasn't on crack or anything when I wrote it lol, even though it seems like it. & I realize it doesn't rhyme but I was feeling mad emotional at the time so perhaps that is why.
It was one of the days when ''ya ushla v sebya'' on the day after the night when me & petuh got drunk. (self explanatory)

''But I keep on walking
& the melancholic voices in my head, they keep on talking
& the red Jags keep stopping
I'm so sick of sitting on this black polished table, drinking my life away w.o. being able to tell anyone,
Just smoking my pain away.
I'm so sick of the lies, & the tries, being used...
It's far more than abuse.
I'll just walk away,
You don't care?
I don't care, who was there, & who saw, & who joked, & who talked
The sun will dry my tears,
One step forward & two steps back running away from my tears painted black.
Our words overlapped, without understanding the meaning they lacked.
As on broken glass we dance, falling into a trance of hate & pain as I take a stance.''

В колонках играет - PLEASE no more music head hurts, otherwise I'd listen to ''Se La Vi.''- NAIV.
Настроение сейчас - sleepy.

Just came back from work. I'm so tipsy (from four fckng shots like what the hell), & sleepy, & everything else. So apparently I'm not working tomorrow, but they're gonna let me know on Mon. when my next shift is. So whatever, guess tom. I can chill, or go to Danny's party, we'll see.
Blin bout the whole thing, I already forgot about it, prosto nepriyatno like that same day, by accident I find that stupid ''certificate of death''...& yeah I take it personally, I take if offensively. I'm like dude, okay how do you want me to react to that? How do you expect me to react?? I let it go & didn't let it get to me.
Other than that I'm pretty much getting used to the job, used to the people that come there, & I can say that I enjoy it more than JCH, or my medical office job...
I already put an eye on two drills, won't mention their names for obvious reasons...but it's hilarious when the question gets to my age they're like ready to faint. One of them I think just broke up w. his gf in front of my own eyes, I'm like wow I feel so ugh, like if my ex broke up w. me & then went flirting w. another girl like mne bylo bi O4EN' bol'no, but w.e. it's not like I'm doing anything, ya ne na 4to ne pretenduyu. I told him what days I'm working, not that it matter cuz he chills there everyday, & he's like if you'll be working here a lot of guys are gonna hit on you...I'm like oh really, I mean he would know...lol. j.k.
Me & Igor on our catering jobs I swear, texting eachother back & forth, I got home before him I'm like ha! I beat you to it, teper' the drunkie is going to sleep, he's like nu ti molodec. lol
Whatever the job brings up my mood, vse ohueno. ya poshla spat. mwa kids<3

First off...I think everyone will agree that ''planetaleto'' SUCKED not only w. the tittle but also w. their singing, kinda of like the 3 chicks who sung like they got ready in a week. lol The best was Tanya B.- ''K Tebe'' it actually looks like she put 100% into it, The chick who did the whole Latin dance, those were some nice bg dancers but her singing was ugh. Evgenia Vlasova was okay. But if I had to pick, I'd pick Tanya right away. ha watch Aksuta pick someone who's gonna suck, just cuz he can't judge for shit. (Personal experience)Thank God Drobish is there, ugh just why couldn't he be there when I auditioned for Fabrika? Why the hell did Drobish leave the project AT ALL? I love him, & he writes some go0d songs, Meladze too. Dolina, nah there are some go0d ones, who can actually judge based on singing, not on w.e. Aksuta & all those idiots like Kirkorov judge on. Anyway, I have a feeling everything after Tanya B's ''K Tebe'' will seem boring so I'm off to sleep.
P.S. Good luck to all those who didn't go yet.

В колонках играет - ''Fake.''- Sergei Lazarev.
Настроение сейчас - danceable

I'm happy, but I'm tired. Even since I got back I've been either chilling, or busy getting ready for school, or in the never ending search for a job. Now that I am settled w. everything I can relax a lil. But then I realize I'm gonna need to face SATs & college app.s if not for Asya & my mom who remind me of things like this I'd be fucked.lol. I have a feeling this year will be very very good for me.
haha I only now realize what the guys told me about catering was true. It's not really that funny anymore, but so far I manage, it's pretty go0d money, & we got go0d music in Miami, tak 4to- survivable. My 1st day I came early, spoke to Eugene (the manager) who turned up to be pretty chill except he hates lateness, but I doubt that'll be a problem for me. I live like 15 minutes away. After he's like finally somebody who can speak English, I'm taking you lol, then after like an hr or so he offered me a job @ the bar I got mad exited, I'm like a mojno? He's like the question is do you want to? So when the owner comes back she's supposed to teach me some bar tending skills.)))
What I ALSO realized is that I have no more time for shit I used to do, like drama & ''chilling'', & all that. Ahhh I swear, this one goes out to Asya & everyone else: YOU PPL BETTER COME VISIT...& LEAVE BIG TIPS...BIG, BIG TIPS. lol The only thing I don't like is that Miami doesn't have a dancefloor, if it did that would be PERFECT. Not that I have time for that anyway, but still it's boring w.o. it.
I'll never forget the Sun. when we all went to Adams: Asya, Alla, Zhenya, Yana, Dima, Me, & Alex who left right away. Oni vse seli, JLo ''From The Block'' came on, & Asya's like I like that song, I'm like great I grab her & DRAG her to the dance floor. That's empty. lol We honestly didn't give a fuck kto na nas smotrit, some drills out the window, we gave em a free show ;) & Alla & Yana & Zhenya & Dimitri are just sitting there like WOW. I'm like I wanna dance, I'm gonna dance, Asya bi ne poshla, ya bi 1 poshla. Then something unbelievable, Dima joins us, & I should mention he DIDN'T drink anything that night. Esli bi ne ya vse bi tak i sideli. So I'm like w.e.