may be at first place somebody could ask me for what purpose it all. people talk about their sensations and senses but there is nothing new in that all. may be it is just an attempt to ease because i have so much anxiety and fear and how it seems to me completely tired of this way, and somewhen it seems very attractive an idea to lie down and die. at least it would be kinda easy. but i know that i should stand up and go just how it had been many times before and it may be i would feel excitement of living and inspiration just how it also been so much times before. but now want to drink steadily just to get rid of fear which sometimes overwhelms me. what reason to talk about all that, may be it is just another way to fight this fear. and it is seems irrational, but i exactly know that i could not stay and i have to go, but that is all i know. i dont see anything clear ahead. despite now i know much better about alignment and chances than i did for example three years before, everything seems pretty vague and i feel as though i jumping from the cozy cabin of the plane into the dark and cold uncertainty. may be i am trying to seek courage writing this. it might.