"I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me..."

im losing it... the grip of reality... it slips through my fingers, i can feel it falling away... insanity caused by loneliness...
i miss him... there is nothing new about that... but now it's more phisical, sexual... i crave for his hands to touch me... his tounge... the way he plays with it, first slowly... then faster, faster... in circles... stroking and kissing... the desire kills me... all i think about is feeling him inside of me... hard... satisfying... orgasmic pleasure.
i want him on top, 77, and from behind... for hours... long, fulfilling hours of passion.
a kiss at the end... just one kiss before i collapse on his hot body... pause... another kiss.. slow touches.. slow moves.. and everything starts from the beginning... again and again... all night long...
i really miss that!

"Я необычная, я равнодушная, Под тонкой кожей сердце колючее, По стёклам ступая, не плачу – бездушная, И боль причинить я желаю при случае. Ничего не давая, я взамен прошу многое, Жестоко караю при неисполнении, По душам скитаюсь я, словно убогая, Меня обвиняют в их дерзком растлении. Мне некогда всё в этом мире налаживать, Страдаю избытком чужого внимания, Но лучше быть всеми покинутой заживо, Чем жить, умирая от непонимания."

через пол часа еду в аэропорт, улетаю на Кипр... вернусь 7ого января... за ранее поздравляю всех с Новым Годом!!! а Панельную ПрЫнЦеССу с днём рождения!!!!

настроение не очень... вчера ночью послала ему e-mail, детально описывая как я по нему соскучилась... не ответил... странно... я конечно не ждала ответа, но надеялась на небольшую реакцию... мог бы смайлик послать или три слова - я тоже скучаю - и всё... а нет... inbox пустой...

"you sailed so far, i can't see the ships any more..."

i miss... waking up next to him... silently watch him while he tries to hide under the blanket... away from the light, fighting for every minute of extra sleep...
i miss... his arms, which chased away my fears and insecurities
i miss... his hands, touches, the way he stroked my body with gentleness and care...
i miss... his soft lips... sweet, unexpected kisses... i could kiss him forever...
i miss... his eyes full of kindness and sensitivity... when sadness was overtaken by joy, his beautiful soul could be seen through them...
i miss... the sex... when we became vulnarable and exposed, emotional and passionate... when we became one, sharing pleasure that words can't describe...
i miss... the cuddling before falling asleep... listeing to his heart beat, running my hand through his hair... saying"i love you", but never out loud...

i miss you, Tim.

just came home from Martinez... it was weird without Tim... even Mindori Sour didn't make me feel better... it made it worse... i miss him so much!!!
sitting in front of the screen, staring at the shiny colours, waiting... always waiting for that sharp, little sound of the yahoo log-in... his name shines up with bright yellow...fingertips touch the keyboard and we finally speak...
but until then my heart is asleep... nothing really matters... absolute indifference and apathy... and the mounting feeling of incompleteness...

ну и денёк... пусто, скучно, холодно... сижу в Hostel-е, жду мексиканцeв а они не приходят... улицу перепутали идиоты... хочу спать!!!!! хочу к Тиму в Калифорнию!!! :( и кушать тоже хочется... а нету... пока мексиканцы не придут, буду голодать...

в воскресенье еду на Кипр к Ксюше... ура, ура, ура!!!!!! год не виделись... оторвёмся... давно не гуляла...

В колонках играет - Paint it black

"Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will blend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds..."

since i came back from amsterdam our relationship with Tim is heaven... something beyond my belief... i never trusted him so much like i do now... and the love just keeps growing day by day... he says once you reach the top it will only go down... not in my case, i feel like i keep overcoming the top, loving him more and more, and it will never stop... but if it will, it won't go down... my feelings will remain at that level.
now he's gone... went to CA for a month to be with his family... i just hope he'll get his joy for life back again and leave his depression behind... come back with new strenght and ideas...

he said he's not happy... he thinks he failed everyone... and he wants me to leave him... he said he will let me down.
...toobadsosad...
i don't believe him. or maybe i just don't want to beileve him... love is blind, huh?

"Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie..."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- ................ .

"...you take it all away but never give it back
and this is what you say, their lies are yelling back..."

i switched off my phone... he said he'll call... i waited until midnight, got tired, too late to call now... and i dont think he actually will call, cuz he's with Jeff...
Jeff.
used to be a very good friend... had lots of night-long conversations, crazy drinking parties, the fun times you know... all gone like never existed... he is manipulated by someone he loves... and how can i blame him for that? love is blind... and some people use it...

"...no mercy for the lost, no soothing for the sad
the line is never crossed, they are the living dead..."

Tim loves Jeff. Tim cannot live without Jeff. and Tim doesn't want to see me after he drinks with Jeff. why is that? hmm...

"...and this is how they move, and this is how they sway
that danger is the truth, they die and live again..."

хихи...

the cat is sick again... same problem for the 4th time in 6 months... doctors say there is a surgery, but im not sure about it... it's too risky... i can't lose Muska... she's with me for almost 8 years... can't think now, need to speak with the doctor again... discuss her illness, make decisions and then just wait for the results.
i don't want surgery but i can't let the cat suffer all the time... she's in pain, she can't even walk anymore...

ps - life was perfect for a short time...

my life is PeRFecT!!!!

я вернулась!!!!!!!! Амстердам прикольный городок, но жить я там не смогла бы... слишком много туристов... алкоголь дорогой.... хотя зачем напиваться если можно накушаться всяких там тортиков, грибочек... короче понравилось... отдохнула, нагулялась... и рада до смерти что вернулась домой к Тиму...

31st of October... used to be a special day... Bastian's birthday... Happy Birthday honey!!!! i kind of miss you... such a cool guy... with such a wasted life... but we love him anyway