В колонках играет - Behind Blue Eyes - Silvertide

There’s this place, we all have it, deep down in our gut. A place that twists and aches, a place that can make you sweat, make your palms tremble, keep you rooted in one spot barely able to move, change your voice to a soft whisper or make you fall to the floor fainting or puking. That place that is triggered whenever you’re afraid. I mean really afraid of something. For some people its spiders or bugs, for others it’s leaving their house or getting on an airplane. There are as many fears as there are people in the world really. We each react in our own individual way to that fear.

One of the most common is stage fright. Fear of speaking or performing in front of large groups. There are books and therapy tapes all over the place, everyone has some good advice for you, advice we know well. Picture the audience naked or in their underwear, be ultra prepared so there is no room for error, practice, practice, practice until you’re comfortable standing in front of a crowd. Start with one of two of your closest friends and then try it with more until you feel like you can handle it.

I have stage fright, but not the normal kind. I used to have it a little, I'd throw up before I went onstage, but as the audiences got bigger, I got less scared. What I have now and have always had, is what they call reverse stage fright and most people just laugh and shake their head about it. If you’ve ever seen me onstage you know I have no problem doing or saying anything up there. I’m not afraid of the crowd, I love them. I don’t need to picture them naked, I just ask them to show me. “LET’S FUCK!”

I’ve got my best friends up there with me, guys I trust with everything, and I’m like the monkey at the circus or the tightrope walker, performing without a net. I’m the gypsy at the carnival who lures you into the show and takes your money while you aren’t looking. Smooth and easy and wild. Wild.

That boy on that stage is a rock star and he is wild and sexy and only one part of me. The other part of me takes over when I'm off stage. I don’t know what it is, but one on one or one on two is harder for me than a whole crowd. I’m not confident in my ability to make conversation or hold anyone’s interest. Even people who tell me they love me; I think silently that they just aren’t seeing everything about me. I wonder if they love me or the picture of me I’ve painted for them.

I’m too shy to just be Jonne, so I wait until I see how you are and then I make a Jonne for you. It’s something people with reverse stage fright do. It’s common. They either sit in the corner, live alone, only function in large public situations, which trust me is pretty much impossible, or they become adept at being onstage all the time. They deal one on one with people as though they were whomever that person needs or wants to see. It’s not a lie, nothing sweet and deceitful, it’s just a way to survive. That or drinking heavily or using drugs that make them forget what they were doing or be less inhibited about it. Not the safest way, but it gets the job done.

There are a few people, less than you probably think, less than anyone knows, who see me. I don’t always like it when they do. I get afraid and shy and not sure what to say around them and it takes them loving me so much, without half the return to convince me that they aren’t going to leave if I leave the paint at home.

I hear it’s a lack of personal confidence that causes it. Or that it’s just another random phobia. That it can be caused by anything. Doesn’t really matter what caused mine; it’s just the way it is.

Edit: Happy Belated Birthday Sebastian Bach. I should have done this before. I suck.