This was the smell of cherries and wet foliage. Acquainted smell. My little world found out a bleeding wound, and I already could not finish from this idea. All took a place not so as I hoped before, and all of former almost disappeared.
I know that cost now on verge of precipice and earth under my feet begins to settle. I want prays, but I do not know prayers, so that I need only to reconcile oneself to and find an output, find it alone.
After my back, there where I no longer look around, the stranger worlds collapse, but now it is not me to them put. All, what I learned in latter days, it is possible to name in a word is indifference.
Was there enough boldness in me, and can rather than cowardice ?, not to pay a regard to other people. They are forever deleted from my consciousness.
I do not know rules, but guess them. It follows me will learn all without teachers.
Smell of cherries and wet foliage.
So much empty flashbacks. But, possibly, only they and saved shade of life for me, because life in me anymore is not present, there are only these flashbacks and desire, hotshot desire, to attain a top, and there me already nobody will be able to disturb, nobody will begin to contest with me for a survival.
I feel a fatigue, such strange fatigue. I quite not expect that will be just like this. It seems to me, that it is needed gather strength in the flashback, but takes a place differently.
I know that coming me to go back to reality very soon, but did not want to think about it now that felt this smell of cherries and wet foliage.
A flow took away waters of the seething bellicose river downward, took away them in the abyss of the unknown world. There, down, the same sun, тот air, those doubts and gladnesses, but there still there am not I. I only prepare to get to this surprising world – near and in also time almost unreal. However, all once for us there is reality, while does not grow into part sew on lives. It is, we set itself a question, and whether our essence, our name, is real. All only one name of things, and they are a secret, secret from the origin to the complete disappearance. Do stars fly away a horrific explosion in the brace of shakes, taking away after itself the entire worlds, dependency upon them, and stone are worn away slowly, although, who do they need? God, or то universal and boundless, that we name God, takes away one in an instant, as a petal of tender cherry blossom blows off the gust of wind, but abandons other to rot, they decompose slowly, poisoning everything round itself, and in long expectation of their care the moment of farewell is lost, as though him and it quite not was. Sometimes we can not spill tears which fill us, them too much, that they could break through outside, not tearing all of our heart and all of our flesh, pour by them, as a dropsical bud by spring juices; sometimes we spent so many climbed down on itself, expecting, preparing, damning self expectation and desire to approach an end, that after him climbed down it is not anymore – they dried up, leaving bitter taste of guilt dry, not dissolved mass to press per almost weightless head. We see a sin, overhanging above the soul, but, maybe, only so we and feel it, only this pressure brings us over to the idea about its reality, let it does not so look like a flesh, but exactly this unlikeness provides with us a hope on eternity in an opposite captivity.
I am quiet is a captive of fear and prejudices. It seems to me, that stands me to open a mouth or do a step, and I will be led on a fire. Whether it is not better permanent burning of losses in my to the brain – blear, drunk from the indecisive suffering in a captivity at doubts. I want will dash in this boiling from cold water river. Will it accept me ? No, will throw out on stone, I herein almost уверенна. Step which I can not do – I was urged on to this step and a choice no longer remains. However, really I was afraid of not choice always, all of the tiny life. Yes, any life grain of sand in at run of the worlds to the finale. And is not a finale indeed present ? All перетекает from one in other and a finale is not present. Learned by heart truth which it is necessary to accept as an axiom. Where do these axioms undertake from only ? Who did understand first, that is nothing, not requiring proof ? And can, at first nobody set itself questions. As such existence in which questions are not and there is not even an idea is sweet, that it is necessary to set them. A primitive, simple, invulnerable belief is desirable. Is not a reasonable man capable on such That is reasonable – to set questions, search an answer on them, let even to come to the axiom ? That is reasonable – not to search, but go ? But I just cost то in place.
A doubt, driven to desperation, is capable on unexpected, sharp-cut to madness, resolution. Weigh reason, all of creature in the brace of shakes is concentrated on one saving decision, all is taken to him, it manages all, and every analysis seems absurd, becomes absurd in the same instant.
Fear. He will remain in me forever. It that то eternal, and again primitive. Fear is great, really not he manages most our acts, he in basis in all: he is in basis of the world is fear of God to remain be single. That he thought of well – toys, able to surprise the creator, always applying into his place. Scarcely we can actually, who то to surprise, except for to itself similar. People. Pitiful creatures. We are driven ahead by fear is извечное sense which, more ancient than any other. I know that submit him not worse all of other.
Love…Love? It is perfect to feel his attentive love, careful understanding me with all of load of errors, experiencing, all of failings, torments, weaknesses. As far as it much ? It almost all – to feel in itself this love – as it gets to you, as becomes part you
All leaves, dies. Escapes not looking around. Reserving tracks.Tracks for whom то in a heart. Bloody wounds, which in course of time will be scars. And scars do not heal to the end never.
