just do so...

i saw him today. in pitstop. he seemed to be willing to spend some time with me, but i did not bother.

our trip to London was amazing.

that is where i belong. that feels like home.

i figured i cannot love like i used to.
no passion.
it's all gone and looking back, i feel so cold.


i hope to see Pepe tomorrow and have something to smoke.
Jesus, I am soooooooooo drunk now,
It's Sandra's Birthday today. the 18th. we got a bottle of champagne for free. it tasted so good. almost like Passion Cider.

they had some kind of Cider in London too, but it tasted like crap, honestly.

i cherish a hope to get a tattoo soon. The Sun.

I have made up my mind about what I'd like study and even wrote the Personal Statement.

oh my, why can't things be just the way I want them to be?

because it's life. and it's a bitch....

The christmas tree in Pitstop was really gorgeous and the round dance made me feel lifted.


Fun Fun Fun.

andfnow it is 4 o'clock in the morning and I have 3 hours to sleep before getting up...nice, huh?....don;t care...

.and who gives a shit, anywayz???..

"good nigth, thank you, we love you all"

Настроение сейчас - hope is never dead!
В колонках играет - Spleen

Good Lord, I'm so tired..can't get myself together even though I know that I've got to.

Have to write my Written Tasks Rationale for English.
Have to start planning my World Literature Assignment.
Have to start preparing for IELTS.
Have to decide what the fuck I want to study in university. Eventually.


but What The Heck?!! I am going to London this Thursday, HURRAY HURRAY!!

oh, Camden Town, here we come))))))))))

Настроение сейчас - ..trying...
В колонках играет - Depeche Mode - Condemnation

i thought i didnt love him.
and i didnt.
and i dont.
and i wont.
then why the fuck does it hurt so much??? ...


because too much sweetness is 'no good'
because 'perfect' is always fleeting
because 'fucked up' was too real this time


i am glad it happened. Now. i knew it was going to.


The End.


"Thank you for the most peculiar and crazy days of my life"

Настроение сейчас - dried out & drained
В колонках играет - -

you know, when I told Jesper about N, he looked at me as if i were absolutely mental... then he started laughing with such enthusiasm, I thought he would burst.

he didnt.

he said : " 14 years difference!!!!! he could be your dad!!!!!!!!.. Oooooh, but that's disgusting, that surely is abnormal!!..."

and his conclusion was: "you are nuts!"

i had no choice, but to agree.

but, you see, it doesnt make any difference because we are both "strange".

I love being with him.
"my favourite freak"

its all so weird.
so strange.

peculiar.

we are strange. different? i guess so, but should that be a problem?

"dont hope so" ...



i just have to let it out. yes. all of it. oh god, i have to stop all this bullshit, i know.."i am aware of that, dont panic"..."i really like you"..what does the word "like" mean?...i've spent hours trying to figure it out...no use..i am too...too..too uneasy, goddamit...


and i definitely think too much, no doubts about that.
could someone be so kind and SMASH MY BLOODY BRAIN?...i would really appreciate that, honestly...

Настроение сейчас - trying to stop thinking
В колонках играет - Sonic Youth - I Love You Golden Blue

..and as he sang: "i have all the time in the world to make you mine.."
..but, oh, oh, oh, he already has...



he already has, and I know that his eyes dont lie.




he is mine.


the infinite tenderness of his touch.

is driving me crazy.


i am drowning in him.
and i do not want to be saved.

Настроение сейчас - blissssssssssss
В колонках играет - Joy Division - Love will tear us apart

i've got him right there.
right under my skin.

Настроение сейчас - highhhhhhhhh
В колонках играет - Depeche mode

ok..
so this is the day when the 19th year of my life begins..

...jesuschrist, im growing older and older...i CANT BELIVE it....

but still...the first song i listened to today was "where is my mind?" (which is the motto of my life in a way))))

...then i happily spilt a cup of coffee on my school papers)) (the proof of the above mentioned)..

all in all, the day started in a perfect way!!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))


and i am 1 yead older now...again..

tequila is to be consumed today)))))

Настроение сейчас - madly happy))))
В колонках играет - Modest Mouse - Dance Hall

i got it, i got it, i got it, i got it, i got it, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the job in the coolest place ever!!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!! holy smokes, im so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah.....overjoyed))))))))))))))))))))

special thanx to jimz for his support an advice!!!! - "thank u!" *enthusiastically shaking hands* )))))))))


...an i met a guy who looks jus like Nick Oliveri...absolutely the same (the beard is jus amazing)!!! a perfect duplicate, hehe....funny enough...

all in all, yesterday was one of the best days of my life....with a bit of insanity of course, but not like before- im probably gettin older an wiser, lol....

NO FUCKIN WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(;

Настроение сейчас - wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
В колонках играет - Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

god...have my job interview tonight...so freakin NERVOUSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Настроение сейчас - excited 'n' thrilled
В колонках играет - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Date with the night

...

Настроение сейчас - больное
В колонках играет - Radiohead - Motion Picture Soundtrack

как удалить этот факаный фотоальбом?!?!?

Настроение сейчас - ill
В колонках играет - Iggy Pop - Tell me a story

life is desire. life is wanting. life is aching. life is passion. life is feeling.

kak растопить моё сердце

Настроение сейчас - weary
В колонках играет - Radiohead - Lozenge of Love

it was the day I faced my infinite stupidity again

...i got home from school, and, to my great surprise, some bloody scumbag wanker (electrician) cut off the electricity supply!!....It was outrageous, impudent, tactless goddamit! I have obediently paid all the bills my whole life, and then?!?!?..such a disgrace!

yeah, but I decided not to panic and just wait for a bit, cherishing a hope that the electricity will just appear as suddenly as it had disappeared...but it was useless, nothing happened...

so, finally, I gathered all my courage and went down to the cellar to check the electricity meter...it turned out to be covered with some thick plastic cover which was impossible to open with my bare hands, so trying to be creative I got a pair of scissors in order to break open the godforsaken thing...

feeling like a burglar of some kind i eventually managad to succeed in my dirty job, but all of it turned out to be in vain, since there were no switches to turn or buttons to press in order to influence the electricity problem..

It was the first time I felt stupid

...and thought that the perspective of becoming someone criminal would definitely be a total failure in my hopeless case..

however, I still refused to give up, for life without electricity turned out to be completely impossible! Nothing was working - the kitchen stove, the microwave oven, the TV, the computer, the stereo system, and there was no light of course..It was no good, so I decided to fight until the end!

Opening the door of my flat, I noticed (though not for the 1st time) a suspiciously looking shield on the wall, and it mustve been providence that told me to look inside! I did, and what exposed to my sight was another, special electricity meter with lots of switches labelled on/off on each side....

God Almighty! - i thought...it was the 2nd time I felt stipid

...more stupid than the 1st time...there are times when you just feel like someone decide to have a good laught at you, and this is how I felt...because one of the switches was just turned to off...and all that was demanded from me was to turn it on to get the elcrticity running again!!...

shame on me!..stupid...(:

Настроение сейчас - incredible
В колонках играет - sonic youth - kill yr. idols

- ..can you belive this?..
- ..belive what, you mean?
- ..dunno, just belive..in it..in something...
- ..not until there is a second chance.......
- ..makes no sense...what you just said..
- ..i know...but nothing does anyways...........................

Настроение сейчас - abs(i/e)nt(h)
В колонках играет - Sonic youth - Kotton Krown

...they say you can never quit, and i suppose they are perfectly right...

oh, you dweeb!!!...

Настроение сейчас - ashamed and reckless
В колонках играет - The white stripes -The Denial Twist

"i ain't no motherfuckig quitter"



...but i quit...

Настроение сейчас - ready...
В колонках играет - Queens of the stone age "Lightning song"

brittany got back from eurotour last thursday. looking back, she doesnt remember almost half of it - consequences of drinking, of course. she came to my place on saturday. caroline cooked us a wonderful dinner. then we started drinking. i got tipsy, brittany - completely smashed (she could hardly walk) and caroline stayed almost sober (bloody germans - resistible like shit!!) we wanted to go to pitstop, but...we lost brittany on the way somehow..caroline was walking in front of us, and i was trying to carry brittany, not letting her fall on the pavement. then she started whining that she urgently needed a pizza slice. i was continuously trying to persuade her that she didnt, and if she only took a bite - it would all come out of her immediately. but she didnt want to listen to my moral teaching at all and, despite my holding her as fast as i could, she eventually managed to escape and madly rushed ascross the street heading to the pizza parlour...then i found myself shouting all the worst swearwords i knew trying to make her go back, but she obviously didnt give a shit...its truly amazing how determined drunken people are sometimes!! then i tried to make caroline do something about it, stop brittany somehow, but it was too late - she was off and away,and the last thing we heard from her was "i'll see you, guys, in pitstop in 5 minutes!..." ok, so we went to pitstop...and even after 30 minutes brittany did not show up..we started to worry like hell, and after around 1 hour of waiting decided to go look for her. she was not in the pizza parlour, she was not in knuds garage, she was not in crazy daisy...jesus fuck! then caroline suggested brittany could have met someone she knew and had gone to shakers with him/her. honestly, i found this assumption very unlikely, but as we had no other place in mind, i agreed to go there...holly shit! it was the worst place ive been to in my whole goddamn life! full of snobbish sluts and pricks just willing to get laid...so repulsive! we left that place as soon as possible, since brittany wasnt there. feeling exhausted and starting to sober up, we went home, not having a faintest idea about where on earth brittany could be and what couldve happened to her. around 8 o'clock next mornig i was suddenly awoken by furious knocking on the door and ear-splitting ringing of the doorbell, which indicated that whoever there was, willing to come in, he'd probably been knocking until he was heard for at least 10-15 minutes. i dont even know why, but all that noise seemed so scary and horrible to me, that i woke poor caroline, saying that someone was trying to knock out the door and that i was very afraid that they would attack us. caroline said that i should go to hell and forced me to go look who was that ominous and eerie stranger at the door. i did. it was brittany. i was just about to kill her for disappearing the other night, but she felt just the same way about me for not opening the goddamn door for so long. it turned out that fortunately nothing bad had happened to her - shed just fell asleep on the pizza parlour floor...fuckin awesome! luckily, the guys owning the place allowed her to sleep there and even gave her a cup of coffee after she'd woken up...

a pretty fucked up story, i know

...Douglas, eyes shut, saw spotted leopards pad in the dark.
"Tom!" Then quieter. "Tom...does everyone in the world...know he's alive?"
"Sure! Heck, yes!"
The leopards trotted soundlessly off through darker lands where eyeballs could not turn to follow.
"I hope they do," whispered Douglas. "Oh, I sure hope they know."...

Ray Bradbury

Настроение сейчас - transparent
В колонках играет - Sonic youth "Dripping dream"