I sarted to believe that everything has its end. He was crazy about me, he was next to me when I was crying for the other guy, he tried to make sure that I'm able to stand and was next to me whenever he thought he must be. Mostly he choosed moment when I was really in need of someone to catch me because the way I was breaking down during that period of time I thought i wont be able to find the strength to keep going. The guy who I loved, Zayne, always considered me as an option, he thought doesn't matter what he will do to me I'll be next to him. Gillian tried, to make me realize that I dont deserve such treatment, that Im hurting myself for nothing. He gave me love, and made me realize lot's of things. He put himslef through lots of pain just to help me out.I was confused, because with Zayne relationship was not bad in the beginning, after I met gillian it got bad. I really liked Gillian, we tried to date and it was amazing. It was easy relationship without any forcing and fake tries. It was innocent and everything seemed that it meant to be. We spent every single day together and we never got sick of each other. However, I always thought that Zayne needs me, that hes breaking badly because I left him for someone else. I didnt move on from him and gave a lot of hopes to Gillian. I was stuck in between, thinking that everything wrong and that I love Zayne. I left Gillian and got back with Zayne. It was boggest mistake I ever done. At the beginning I though I'm happy, that things is going right. I was missing Gillian every single day. Again relationship got bad, without asking Gillian for any help he just came on proper time. Once I was even sitting in the class crying cuz of Zayne, I dont know how but I think Gillian felt that I need someone, I went to the washroom and gillian was waiting for me with open hands for free hug :) i cried like crazy, felt so much in pain. After I broke up with Zayne, I didn't have my time on my own again. Zayne started to date my friends because he though I'm back with Gillian. I felt forced and pressed to be with Gillian. I was angry at myself that always when I'm falling he knows that I need someone and he volunteered himself. I was shy to be with him, everyone called him weird or something. But he was the only one who knew how to make me happy, after everyday we spent together my eyes was shining. I did a mistake by allow him to be that close, and again promised him lots of things. But I knew somewhere deep inside I loved him. More than enyone, I was to egoistic to accept his love, and was always pushing him away. I promised that after summer I will tell him my answer. When I came back I said kinda yes. It started amazing. I never knew how all this can truth. When my friend came to see me, things changed. We disscussed lots of things about him, and mostly seemed truth. I realized that I need freedom again, and I left him with the worst worlds ever, "I never fucking loved you, you made me feel that I'm Unable and got ur payment with having sex with me". I was busy all the time, my appetite was gone and I thought my life just amazing having my friend around, doing whatever you want. Doesnt matter how many times, he tried to text me I just ignored everything. It's like with all his love which he was giving me he just got a big spit in his face. Passed two month and I realized that my life got so fucked up, wasting money, parties, drinking, going to see my ex. I knew that I did a mistake from the day I said this words to him. I was getting bad feeling, depressions more and more. And when I realized I need him, and he was best I ever had he's gone. After I met him, and I saw how he changed and how much hes happy without me, my sould just crushed. When I knew for sure that right now I would be doing anything just to make him give me chance he's love gone. Because of my decision and happy lifestyle which I chosed with my friend I lost a truch and everything what I had. After 2nd meeting I got hope that maybe there is somewhere that big love for me, when he huged me he kissed my cheek 10000 times, and said i dont know if its okay, and kept hugging me. Than I left and received a massage " was nice to see you, but the most I can give u its just friendship". BUM! inside explosion, pain, my head kept asking so many questions whole night. 3d meeting was with purpose to give him candies from Ukraine. We met, went to the restaurant, than cinema and than i started to play around with teases and all. We wanted each other this is I knew. He said "Okay, wait, maybe let's kiss first and we'll see how it feels after?" We kissed and he said: "well, u kissed always well, but its not the same as it was before". I almost cried, we went to see in the park, he said "After what you said, something cnaged inside me, Im not carpet, but I still like you and care about you, thats sad that your feelings came to late". thank he continued as" but who knows, maybe it will be back one day, life is unexpected". I know what is love and it will never come back, doesnt matter how person what it, you cant force yourslef to love someone, if it's gone it's gone forever. I love that hes honest with me, that he didnt start to revange, use me or something. After this talk we went to his place, I don't really know how it got started, but we had sex, and for me it was best I think I ever had with him. Before I used to think about my ex, or something else. But this time I was hoping so bad, that things gonna change after it. When we finished it he was lying down on me for maybe more than half an hour, good that the light was off because I was crying realizeing that everything lost. We went shower together, probably it was just a my imagination but I saw that for a secong he had that look which he had when he loved me. We went to the kitchen started to drink water and he jumped at me again, we started to kiss and he brought me to the badroom again, and we did it 2nd time. That time was best ever in my life, i told him "at list we didnt lose this passion". I was happy after so long. We went to sleep, and my sleep was bad, but before when I was spending night at his place i slept like baby. He also didnt sleep well, so when we woke up we were tired together. I forced him to shave, somehow he did it. He said "lets be lazy and just watch movies" I agreed, but I decided to call my friend on skype. Spent there 1 hour. But when I was login off his skype he had one girl, who caused me a lot of problem before, shes very pretty and with hot body and I didnt know why he has her in her skype list. I got mad, and I asked him why?, he said " she just added me we never talked, and come on why you jealous I saw her just once". Started to be weird. And he said "lets take a break, its getting heavy". Well I left. And when I reached home he appologized and also asked me, " - do you think i'm an asshole for what we did last night? i said "yes, if there was no feelings" he said, "now I feel bad". Was painful, and it is. Pitty that hes love gone, we could be amazing couple and work it out. Faith cruel and I guess I'm the one who are paying for everything and everyone. Today he said "I still wanna be just friends, we can be friends but it wont be as close as when we were couple. Its very tricky for exs to be friends. Most of time someone ends up hurt". I lost amazing person and hes next girl gonna be luckiest. I dont really have choice right now. I already made it 2 month ago and here is my result. Ended up alone, with no love and care. Im happy just about one thing. That he still care about me. I wish he would still love me, i felt save and complete when I was with him.
Thank you for everything, he was best i ever had for this time.