It's been 3 years and more changed in these 3 years then in all the years I have had my dairy. Schoolwise I switched schools and currently studying for BA in accounting from a state school. Workwise I left my favorite job and the law firm and went to work for a Manufacturing company doing accounting to gain the experience, the I got fired from that job, or made it that way thinking I will find new one fast...still didn't...it's been a year now. I'm doing ok with my parents and have all new friends. I have a pile of debt and the money I'm getting is sure not taking me out of it, just more in it. I have dated guys and had some major points. F was good but not for long, it was my fault, I was too young. Then I lived for two and a half years with one. I loved him and struggled a lot in that relationship....it's over now. It costs me my health, my mentality, my personality and outlook on the world. I'm more defensive, but I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, thats my hope. Then S....short and over, and we are still friends. Then I lost job, actively going to school, went partying and clubbing, hang out with my best friends, and others, resolving their issues and problems. My life became sort of lost and useless. I didn't believe in love, didn't trust anyone, and just lived to survive hoping for better days. Then I met Zh. He is into me, yet I don't think I'm into him thou afraid to loose him I guess. It's just my personal scare... He is weird and I don't like it, yet a lot of times if not mostly he is "me"... A lot of things about him push me away, some connect, I wanna run away yet I don't. I did decide on that once yet he stopped me...I guess he cares, or he is just afraid just like I am.... So basically my relationship was "ne v pizdu ni v krassnuyu armiu"....I was hoping for the best, for miracle, but going out there and looking for someone was not an option, as men disappoint me and I have no desire for little games or plays. Well....as of recently there was someone in the picture....I thought it was a definite "no"...yet just my friends say "try" and after very little time I gave it a thought. Well just yesterday everything went to hell. My best friend went for it...leaving me nothing...I fought for it, I did...showing that "hey, I see, I'm here, and I just might be interested"... I couldn't believe she would ever do that to me...I'm struck...and there is no way I will fight for a man in any way shape or form. It's his total choice. I just am not "all cool" with the friend and we might need to not see each other for some time, which hopefully will help resolve this by seriously talking...but it would take "getting lost for a while" on my side. I can understand the guy as he's been told I have a bf who can support me (which he doesn't...asshole), and he, the guy, couldn't do that...so yeah....BUT IF YOU FEEL IT THEN IT'S DIFFERENT...YOU GOTTA GO FOR IT DAMN IT!!! KTO NE RISKUET, TOT NE P'ET SHAMPANSKOE! This is what's on my mind these days and I don't know what to do, nor can I do anything. He needs to think, act, or not (which is what he is doing now)...it might just fly by hurting me and having me forget it hopefully if none of my friends or people I know will be too close to him...I don't know...can't get it out of my mind....
This is the life 3 years later...there is no way to put all that into words...it would take me a life time to finish....it's been hard, painful, disturbing, depressing, killing, yet interesting, worth it, schooling, and fairly happy. I wouldn't want to repeat it, and hopefully I will have a whole new life experiences )))
WELCOME BACK, ME )))
