its really difficult for me to understand life now. to understand the reason for every event that ever took place in my life. i thought i was being good, graceful, nice to everything and everyone. and yet theres been on bad thing after another. its like whoever it is that is doing this to me is like not taking a break in creating my life a total wreck. a living hell. a black abyss. its hard for me to trust someone, without having the acknowledgments of their life in mind. without knowing who they really are. without knowing them for at least 8 years. its difficult for me to open up, to tell people about my life. i sit there, smiling, and laughing, and yet inside im crumbling ; and shaking. everyday of my life, i been wanting to curl up in a ball at the edge of my bed, and go to sleep. and never wake up. then something happened, and everything around me changed. my perspective on life, everything. but yet again. everything had to come crashing down, didn't it? its a shitty life for you, i understand. but do you have any clue on whats happening to me? did u ever think about, WHY i always smiled when i looked at you. WHY i always let you have your way. WHY i always listened. yea, i didn't think so. and i bet you didn't even think about me once, after i was gone did you? i can never have my way, everything seems amazingly perfect one moment, and then comes a thrashing halt. theres not one day that i went without thinking about you, without reminding myself of how everything was. i don't understand why i still think about you, its not like u went a long distance for me as i did for you. the thing that confuses me most, is me not knowing exactly what you were bullshitting about all those times you ever told me anything. its difficult trying to understand a person, and more difficult trying to forget about them. i been trying, really hard too. but it seems not to work. i always pictured myself as having one of those fairy tale lives. u know, where i meet the man of my dreams, and we kiss for the first time and i feel fireworks explode. yea, well i felt that with you. it was weird, but a good kind of weird too. it was different, far different that what i ever gotten. you were different. from anyone else i have ever met. maybe thats what attracted me most to you. you just dont seem to understand exactly what i been trying to say, do you? i get the fact that you have absolutely no feelings for me anymore, but yet again. you said you didn't have feelings for her either. and yet she was always on your mind. and i mean always. there was not one day, that you haven't mentioned her. or how awesome she was and is. and that bothered me, a lot. but i never said anything, because i didn't want to screw things up. i try way too hard, maybe thats my problem. i get caught up in the moment so much, that i forget reality all together. you made all my problems go away. all of them, and when you left. things just piled up. it seems as though i have nothing now. and not just because you're gone, but i gave up a lot for you. even though you never noticed it. i really did. i tried extra hard, and went through so much, just to be happy. and now, everything is back to the way it was in the first place. shitty. always been shitty ; always will be shitty.