I am gonna write in english cuz i find it easier to express my thoughts and feelings this way and cuz i dont care a bit if anyoone will read it.
I am gonna talk... i havent really truly talked for a long time, to a person that is. And thats becuz i have no friends here...
Here is where i made my decision to stay, its an abroad country and before this summer my mom and her husband(my step father) lived here and now i made my decision to join them. Before this month i really didnt want to do that but mother persuaded me continuously but it wasnt her who made me stay...
Its just that in russia the last couple of weeks were somehow screwed... I mean i was tiered of everything, mentally tiered... mostly even of people... and i felt that i dont really have friends cuz around me there are only few people who could actually understand me, my thoughts, hopes and my world in general... its not that i tried to make them see everything from my point, its just like they closed themselves from, not wanting to do anything with strange...
yep, they do call me strange and they even managed to convince me that i actually am and i think they are really right cuz i cant seem to find my place among normal good people, i dont share their dreams, their worlds, their hopes...
And now i m staying here, it feels like i m running away from this difficulties. I m questioning myself, am i doing the right thing?
becuz here i do doubt that i'll find even friends like i had there, though they didnt really understand me, but here people are like so much different... they are totally NORMAL, like sickengly ORDINARY. They are like sheep, they follow fashion, follow what others above them said cuz it counts as a right thing, they are so so ШТАМПОВАННЫЕ, as if they make them in a same factory, with only differents as a skin color and eye color and hair.
And my question- will i be like them if i stay?
I dont thinks so, i think i'll just be some sort of a cast-out when they get to know me better becuz from the first glance i do look like a girly-cute-fluffy person and everybody likes me and wants to be friends with me...
But i dont want people bugging me like this, its like i live in my own universe and have nothing to do with this one. I dont even talk anymore. I just talk to myself sometimes but when mom asks me something, i answer it shortly. other questions are really stupid so i choose to ignore them or just nod... its like i have no will to move my tongue cuz i just know that whenever i try to express something from my heart or mind, they'll stay that i have stupid and wrong thoughts and that i m being childish.
How can a person have WRONG thoughts? who says what thoughts are right?
and this freaks me out cuz here people are all like that and it feels like i myself am wrong all over, its like i was made wrong and i need fixing!...
okay... for now, i think i m finished... thanx for listening...
