No loops, no branches, barely a pun and almost free of alliteration.

Big-box shopper Worf discovers "This Chromebook's screensaver crash might be Truth In Advertising."

 

Scott L., who secretly prefers the surprises of online shopping, confesses "when I clicked on Show Shipping Details I was hoping there'd be a tracking number AND it wouldn't be revealed to me. I love suspense!"

 

Egyptologist Stuart Longland asserts "Jira has apparently abandoned alphabets in favor of hieroglyphs."

 

An anonymous epistomologist admits "I always mark None of the above when it's the uppermost option. Viva vacuity!"

 

At rock bottom, nihilist Don M. despairs "I have tried both no and yes but alas IBM remains unhappy with my profile"

 

https://thedailywtf.com/articles/truthiness