However, if I’m to go on writing, I’ll have to purchase these items from the canteen, which means I’ll need to cut down on Spam and Weetabix. All notepads and pens have to be purchased from the canteen and all books ordered through the library, who buy them direct from Waterstone’s. Everett leaves his 240-pound bench press, and asks if he can have a swig of my Evian. I nod, as I don’t think there’s much of an alternative. A moment later his black weight-lifting partner – taller and wider – strolls across and takes a swig without asking.
Why are the induction bankstown brothelers locked up for such long hours while the rest of the inmates are given far more freedom? I am the only person in that room who hasn’t been through this process before, and the others either simply don’t give a damn or can’t see the point of it. They are mostly hardened criminals who just want to complete their sentence and have as easy a time as possible before returning to a life of crime.

He has neither a four nor a one, and passes without a murmur. I try desperately to keep a poker face, while holding my last domino in the palm of my hand. I quietly place my four next to the four on the right-hand end and so much bedlam breaks out that even Mr Nutbourne decides to find out what’s going on. We all join in the first hymn, ‘He Who Would Valiant Be’, and Shine turn out to be rather good. Despite our depleted numbers, the service still swings along.
‘You jammy bastard,’ repeats Jimmy, before he starts going on about his weight. He trains every day in the gym and is known by the inmates as Brad Pitt. ‘I had to wait a couple of years before I was invited to join that shift, and you get asked after four days.’ Funnily enough I hadn’t thought of it as a perk, but simply as doing something worthwhile.
My new room-mate appears carrying his plastic bag. He’s thirty-five and has a five-year sentence for drug dealing. He then jumps off the top bunk and goes to the lavatory in the corner of the cell.

I eat very little because the only gym session I can attend today is at six o’clock. I don’t demur; after all, what’s the point of telling this charming lady that I would prefer to do something more productive. In order to make up my five lessons a week, I have to attend an education class on a Tuesday afternoon. She leaves after about an hour, promising to let me know the outcome of her investigation.
I play the advantage law as best I can to assist Wayland, but the RAF still end up winning 39-12. I know that they are unlikely to allow me to transfer to Latchmere House as I don’t fulfil their criteria, and Ford has already turned me down on the grounds that they couldn’t handle the press interest. The inmates who have been to Stamford Hill tell me it’s full of young crackheads who will drive me to an early grave. I expect therefore to end up at Spring Hill, which Mr Meanwell has recommended all along. His sermon, or chat, to the inmates is very informal, and more effective for that.

He’s been in the service for over twenty years and I learn that he will be retiring next August. He asks me how I’m settling in – the most common question asked by an officer when meeting a prisoner for the first time. I tell him about the state of my room and the proclivities of my cell-mate. He listens attentively and, as there is little difference in our age, I detect some sympathy for my predicament. He tells me that as soon as my induction is over he plans to transfer me to a single cell on C block which houses mainly lifers.
Tomorrow, I will need to book a call at seven in the evening with my son James, to find out if the emerald has arrived. I can’t contact him today because on Monday we’re banged up at five-thirty, and he’ll still be at work in the City. ‘I’d better call my son,’ I say, aware the ball is back in my court. ‘I need another phonecard’ he says desperately. I remove the one I always carry in the back pocket of my jeans and hand it over. I return to my cell, sit at my desk and wait, sensing a board meeting is imminent.
However, I’ll skip the next forty minutes and give you a precis of what has caused such a big grin. Between each exercise, ten minutes on the treadmill, the rower and the bicycle, I walk a complete circuit of the gym to get my breath back. By now I know most of the prisoners and the workouts they do, and usually acknowledge or encourage them as I stroll by. As I pass Jimmy he flexes his muscles, and describes himself as a gay icon; I’m seen by the other inmates as the geriatric icon. Over fifty prisoners turn out for the first training session of the season, which takes place on the main field adjacent to the football pitch. For an hour our coach, Andy Harley, puts us through passing and handling skills, and it soon becomes clear that several prisoners have never played the game before.

I admit I’m only smuggling crayons, but you would have thought someone might have just checked. No gym on Saturday, so I make sure I’m standing by the gate when exercise is called. To my surprise Dale is seated in the corner of the yard having his portrait finished. As I pass, he mumbles something about how much trouble he would have been in had he failed to show up two weekends in a row.
There’s a knock on the cell door and Darren, Jimmy, Sergio and Steve make an entrance. Once I leave Mr Meanwell, I go in search of David . I find him attached to the industrial cleaner whirring around the floor of the induction corridor.

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He caught her just as she was leaving for work, otherwise he would have been standing outside the gates all day. That is how I inherited the fine net curtains which now adorn my cell, and when I leave they will be passed on to the new resident. I just hope I’m given a little more notice. I warm up and stretch for a few minutes before doing ten minutes on the rower. I manage 1,909 metres, a vast improvement on yesterday. A little light weight training before moving on to a bicycle, the like of which I have never seen before.