I gave up fighting against her. I gave up trying to prove to her that I deserve a better life. I gave up trying to do everything the way she wants. I cannot anymore. I feel so lost and left off. I feel like I am coming from a different family. I do not know why, but everything in this family is so far from what i expected and tried to have.
She believes in everything, that drives me crazy. Whatever I like and want in life is not understood by her.
I just want to leave.
I tried so hard to make her happy that i forgot about myself. I still cannot leave her. I still cannot say that I do not love her. But this is not the same love. Its different. I used love her very much, dearly, and honestly. Now it is just memories. she really ruined everything I was trying to achieve. She has him. He is the one who make her happy. And i am the one who does not do shit.
I just have to wait a little longer. I do not know how my life will be. But not with her. I cannot try anymore. I am giving up.

at the end of the day, at least I know that there is someone who really cares about me. some one who really means when says "I love you, and only you."

When I registered for that class it was called: Sex and Behavior. Yes exactly sex, and how we behave during sex. These were my first thoughts. And this is the main reason why i registered for this class. But the actual concept covered is behavioral endocrinology. It is about hormones and behaviors associated with them.
Now I know more about rat sex, than about sex among humans.

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Have not seen my boyfriend for a while till yesterday. We went to the beach together. Spent all day together. In the beginning I did not wanted to see him. I did not miss him. I just wanted to finish my things. He forced me and I do not regret it. I realize how much he means for me. he tries so hard to make me happy, to make me smile, to enjoy my life. I see his disappointment when come back home. It's hard not to notice that. It is hard to ignore. Hard for both of us.
He tries to hard, and I love him even more. He is the only one who really appreciates my presence. he is the only one who really believes in me. He is the only one who is happy to see me. The most importantly he loves me!

This is probably my third or fourth diary for the past few years. I always start new diary and leave it after a while. Now I decided to do electronic diary. Hopefully it will last much longer, and will more helpful than others. At least I expect people to comment on my thoughts. I wont be writing only in English.
There is a lot what I want to talk about. A lot that has to be released from my soul. A lot has to be said before I make changes in my life. Before I actually decide who I am is and what this world is about.
First: a genius is person who makes just one step further than any average person.

My life is revolving around others but me.