watched Brokeback Mountain. couldn’t help feeling deepest inner satisfaction when looking at Alma’s sad face – being asexual and childfree and lesbian in the past myself. drank shitload of scotch with apple juice. could have cried if I still had tears in me.

В колонках играет - electric universe - moonchild
we were standing on the edge of a railway platform, watching trains pass by. a stock of freight cars rattled before us, clanking sharply, a long succession of dark metal forms, moving so fast we hardly noticed spaces between them. we have smoked a few joints of weed, so he was talking his usual quasiphilosophic shit though I could barely hear him because of the noise. the freight cars were flashing before my eyes so fast that my blurred doped mind almost couldn't stand it. suddenly I realized the whole situation being quite hilarious and started laughing my ass out, looking at the rushing raspy stock in front of me. Sergey stared at me slightly worried, but in a few moments the stock suddenly ended, and I waved my hands crossing them before my face, like to shrug off the enchantment of speed, sound and chemical reactions processing in my system, indicating to him I was ok. though I didn't lose control even for a moment then. I never do, actually. sometimes I think that's sad cause it means I can't really relax, but on second thought I understand that in general it's for the better.

Настроение сейчас - cured

salvia's put a secure block on unnecessary emotional reactions and let me sleep at night. feels fine. peace and love indifference.
dreams became light, not leaving bitter or disturbing afterglow. all's well that ends well.

more

they look like typos.

В колонках играет - aerosmith - pink
Настроение сейчас - fine

writing in English is like having a semi-closed journal – some can read it, some can’t. and it’s quite random. in fact I just don’t really want much audience here.

salvia took a small effect in the morning, when I finally went to bed and closed my eyes. the trip was short but quite pleasant. I was like falling somewhere – it was not scary at all – and my mind shifted from one thought to another like a browser surfing web-pages on an extra-fast internet connection speed. it was funny. I felt like a hyper-active though paralyzed kid) I didn’t go too deep though. I just fell asleep. insomnia + salvia = nervous system needing reboot.
went to work by tram. actually I enjoy walking, it’s useful for legs’ shape. but today I was kinda unwilling to see much of the city and its inhabitants. nevertheless, I almost enjoyed working with my pupil.

Настроение сейчас - some dance to forget

I felt the hair on my head slowly turning gray when I thought of the past. and of what could have been.
I felt like such a shit that I had to get out of my bed and go smoke salvia to distract myself, it always helped before. but this time it was such an idiocy. somehow it didn’t get me at all. it just didn’t work! I felt so stupid and helpless) nonetheless, the whole situation looked funny and ironic, so I felt definitely better. quod erat demonstrandum, as a matter of fact.

Настроение сейчас - stupid hoe

a couple of songs on tv reminding me of my former special one, and here we go, I can't sleep again. good job, woman, you're being at your best again.

a rose standing on my table for already more than a week, and not about to wither still. though the room is constantly full of cigarette smoke and not being aired.

could have collapsed in the bathroom right now. such dizziness overcame, vision blackened for a moment. water too hot and general weariness, felt heart beating somewhere in my throat. should probably smoke less.

please darling, just no doxylamin tonight. no alco energy drinks in the morning. and no salvia, remember, your mind's already disassociated enough.

Настроение сейчас - hungry

I love fast food. but I’d like to stay thin, too. so I guess today I’ll try to cook something both tasty and not very unhealthy… just use ketchup instead of mayo, full grain bread instead of rolls, baked potatoes instead of fried ones and diet coke, and the risk of gaining weight will be minimized. btw, soy meat is actually not so bad (if you know how to cook it properly) and has no fat in it at all.

В колонках играет - madonna - hung up
there was a name stuck in my head, for eight years.
now a replacement has come, another name, though relevant.
and honestly now I'm afraid of another eight years.

the good news are I haven't fallen asleep in the afternoon and finally am likely to resume normal sleeping pattern.
the bad news are I don't want to socialize even online. and this can't be referred to my speech defect. it's something more serious already, I'm afraid, cause keyboard reflects no speech defects and I'm still not willing to talk to ppl.

I became tangled in lies and actually lost myself somewhere in these countless layers. I'm fed up being special, it really is more painful than exciting. I never was normal, from my very childhood. let's say I'm just willing to try something new. for me "new" is finally becoming a part of the crowd. to tell the truth, I envy regular ppl so fucking much recently. guess it's nice to be ok. and it's for sure satisfying. and it must be fun, too. I'll try really hard, though I'm not sure at all that I'm not gonna fail.

I won't drink (more than once a week) and smoke (at least indoors) any more.
here, I promise!

guess I need someone to hold me for a while, it's so damn cold in my room. and I still have some beer in the bottle. it's cold too, but I think I'll finish it nonetheless. there's nothing to lose, anyway, I still won't be able to get warmer, so it won't hurt that bad.
still have no idea what to do to stay awake for at least eight more hours. maybe reading fanfiction will help, idnk.

Настроение сейчас - cold

do whatsoever, just don't sleep till it's proper time to go to bed.
insomnia and all this fucked up daily routine when day and night trade places must be finally put to an end.
I'm so much tired of this numb feeling in my brain and blurred mind and inner isolation when every social contact needs effort. it just can't go on like this any more.

waking up in the middle of the night, after only a few hours of sleep, no matter how tired I was in the evening. even if I used sleeping pills.
should go to mom's place in the morning get Selenium for this matter.
and btw remember the Sunday's lesson's due at 3 p.m. this week.

В колонках играет - linkin park - bleed it out
with a little help of my canned friends I can deal with it.
not a big deal after all.

I want to believe understand.