Hey there! Well, it's almost Valentine's Day, and like every other year, I don't have a Valentine. Oh well. You know, I guess I don't need a guy right now..It kind of makes me sad that I don't have anybody to love...but I don't need a guy right now. I have a lot to think about still. My future career. I need to get that in gear. I would probably be just happy if I had a baby around. But I don't need a guy for that either...I could always adopt..But really, that's probably just something else in me talking. I would rather have my own children...

My ex and I are over, for sure. I thought there for a tiny while that it could still work, but he is kind of messed up. He has feelings for his ex, and his best friend.....He needs to decide..I'll be his friend, but even that might be too hard to do. He said that he's in his own little world when he's with his ex...So I might be cut off anyways. It makes me sad kinda..But like before, I'm probably better off without him. Being single isn't that bad anyways. I would know, I've really just been single my whole life.


I can't believe how crummy I feel. I miss so much of my old life. I feel all confused, and doubtful about my future. Will I be able to go on? This is because of my mom's death. Every time something goes my way, something terrible happens. I start getting on track with my career- my mom dies...I meet a guy I thought I fell in love with..what happens? He dumps me, breaking my heart, making me wish I had never even met him before...Ughhhhhhh! It makes me upset, this past year has. I hate it.

And guess what else? I still want to go to New Mexico! I've never been there in the winter. I wonder what it's like there at that time of the year. I am so overdue for a visit there. I know it will kind of remind me of my mom, but it will remind me of the good times.
Sorry, but my thought about life right now is: Damn everything that makes people happy..It don't make me feel any better!

https://firebug86.livejournal.com/1110.html

Hey there! Well, it's almost Valentine's Day, and like every other year, I don't have a Valentine. Oh well. You know, I guess I don't need a guy right now..It kind of makes me sad that I don't have anybody to love...but I don't need a guy right now. I have a lot to think about still. My future career. I need to get that in gear. I would probably be just happy if I had a baby around. But I don't need a guy for that either...I could always adopt..But really, that's probably just something else in me talking. I would rather have my own children...

My ex and I are over, for sure. I thought there for a tiny while that it could still work, but he is kind of messed up. He has feelings for his ex, and his best friend.....He needs to decide..I'll be his friend, but even that might be too hard to do. He said that he's in his own little world when he's with his ex...So I might be cut off anyways. It makes me sad kinda..But like before, I'm probably better off without him. Being single isn't that bad anyways. I would know, I've really just been single my whole life.


I can't believe how crummy I feel. I miss so much of my old life. I feel all confused, and doubtful about my future. Will I be able to go on? This is because of my mom's death. Every time something goes my way, something terrible happens. I start getting on track with my career- my mom dies...I meet a guy I thought I fell in love with..what happens? He dumps me, breaking my heart, making me wish I had never even met him before...Ughhhhhhh! It makes me upset, this past year has. I hate it.

And guess what else? I still want to go to New Mexico! I've never been there in the winter. I wonder what it's like there at that time of the year. I am so overdue for a visit there. I know it will kind of remind me of my mom, but it will remind me of the good times.
Sorry, but my thought about life right now is: Damn everything that makes people happy..It don't make me feel any better!

http://firebug86.livejournal.com/1110.html

Well, things between my guy (well..ex..) have improved. He is now talking to me, but somehow, he doesn't seem the same as before, when I first met him. He has kinda turned me off. Maybe it's his intent..He knew that I still love him..I don't know. Why are men so weird? As my aunt said, "You can't change them, you just have to accept them for who they are, take the good and the bad about them, and hope that they have more good characteristics than bad.". True, I guess!

Not much else is new, my life is kind of boring, huh? I went shopping, but that's not too "wow". haha. But I did get a couple of cute outfits! For the past two days or so, my brother and dad have been trying to make a pinata. This should be a hoot..It's supposed to be a dog. They just put the first layer of Paper Mache (or however the hell it's spelled..) on it, and are going to put another on on it. It really doesn't look so bad. I didn't do much but sit around yelling "AHHHH!!" every time a balloon popped. I did do some of the messy part (paper mache).

I am so bored these days! Nothing but work and computer..I love the computer, don't get me wrong, but I wish I had more friends to hang out with. The only friend I really got is my ex, and he lives an hour away from me, so hanging out is hard to do. I wish my aunt lived here instead of in California. I know my dad would laugh at me for wanting to, but I would hang out with her a lot. She is so cool to me, we are too much alike, from relationship issues to our laugh. It's all good..

Lately, I've been wanting to move! I know I won't, but it's okay if I dream, right? I want to go to Santa Fe New Mexico. I love the architecture there, as well as the culture. It's actually where some of my ancestors originated from, so, it doesn't surprise me that I feel at home there. The only thing I don't like about it, is that it gets hot there. I guess like men, we gotta take it for what it is, and hope there are more good characters to it than the bad, huh?

Guess I should head off here, I have to work tomorrow..Late shift, but I gotta love the sleep anyways...

https://firebug86.livejournal.com/917.html

Well, things between my guy (well..ex..) have improved. He is now talking to me, but somehow, he doesn't seem the same as before, when I first met him. He has kinda turned me off. Maybe it's his intent..He knew that I still love him..I don't know. Why are men so weird? As my aunt said, "You can't change them, you just have to accept them for who they are, take the good and the bad about them, and hope that they have more good characteristics than bad.". True, I guess!

Not much else is new, my life is kind of boring, huh? I went shopping, but that's not too "wow". haha. But I did get a couple of cute outfits! For the past two days or so, my brother and dad have been trying to make a pinata. This should be a hoot..It's supposed to be a dog. They just put the first layer of Paper Mache (or however the hell it's spelled..) on it, and are going to put another on on it. It really doesn't look so bad. I didn't do much but sit around yelling "AHHHH!!" every time a balloon popped. I did do some of the messy part (paper mache).

I am so bored these days! Nothing but work and computer..I love the computer, don't get me wrong, but I wish I had more friends to hang out with. The only friend I really got is my ex, and he lives an hour away from me, so hanging out is hard to do. I wish my aunt lived here instead of in California. I know my dad would laugh at me for wanting to, but I would hang out with her a lot. She is so cool to me, we are too much alike, from relationship issues to our laugh. It's all good..

Lately, I've been wanting to move! I know I won't, but it's okay if I dream, right? I want to go to Santa Fe New Mexico. I love the architecture there, as well as the culture. It's actually where some of my ancestors originated from, so, it doesn't surprise me that I feel at home there. The only thing I don't like about it, is that it gets hot there. I guess like men, we gotta take it for what it is, and hope there are more good characters to it than the bad, huh?

Guess I should head off here, I have to work tomorrow..Late shift, but I gotta love the sleep anyways...

http://firebug86.livejournal.com/917.html

Hey there! Sometimes I just hate life so bad. Well..first the good stuff..I guess..I finished my CNA classes, and only have to take the state exam. That should be easy though!

Now the sad/bad part. Ha..(can you tell I'm in a bad sarcastic mood? No really! I couldn't be better!)..I met this awesome guy the day after Thanksgiving, and we have a lot in common. We got to talking and we decided to be a couple..I don't know what happened..I fucked it up bad, and if I could go back in time, I'd change it.. I'm an IDIOT!!
His dad and my uncle got in a fight a long long time ago, when my dad was just a little kid. When my dad found out that my guy was that man's son, he got scared and said that he was afraid that he might be like his dad...I don't know what his dad is like really, but when I met him, he was really nice to me! Anyway, so, I opened my huge mouth (my guy told me to be honest, and we were talking about that shit that happened..soo.. yeah). That was about 3 weeks ago. I've been totally messed up over it ever since then. I keep trying to see the bright side of it, and hope that he changes his mind..but come on.. 3 weeks isn't good! I'm going insane, because he won't communicate with me. I don't know whether I should go and see him and try talking to him about it, or if I should leave him alone.. I can't just leave it, I know that.. haha..I put WAY too much heart and love into this relationship (yes, I know it was a very short time..but hey! that's the way I am!). I don't know how he could just do that and not go nuts..I mean ESPECIALLY if he was as nuts about me as he said he was. How do you go from wanting to grow old with a person to cutting them off completely? Even if he got mad at my dad for judging him. He said he wasn't mad at me..but it feels like it, you know? I can't stand it. :( This really is not good. I just want to crawl into a dark, black hole and die. It's not fair either.. I know I'm going on and on, and you can stop reading this if you'd like.. I wish somebody out there would give me some advice!! Should I get my ass over there and talk to him, or should I walk away, and try to get over it?!
My family doesn't know I'm so sad about it. I don't like to express sad feeling with them, because that's just the way I am. I keep telling them "No, I'm okay" when really, I'm not. I thought I felt bad before I met my guy, but it's worse now than before I met him. My self-esteem blew up when I met him, and now it's worse than what it was before I even met him.. I don't want to do anything but take drives or walks. The problem with driving is that I won't concentrate as hard as I should be when I'm sad or mad, and walking..eh.. at least that doesn't impose any problems. In fact, I will probably do that tomorrow, if I can. ALONE, I don't even want my sister to accompany me like I usually do. This really sucks..:(

https://firebug86.livejournal.com/707.html

Hey there! Sometimes I just hate life so bad. Well..first the good stuff..I guess..I finished my CNA classes, and only have to take the state exam. That should be easy though!

Now the sad/bad part. Ha..(can you tell I'm in a bad sarcastic mood? No really! I couldn't be better!)..I met this awesome guy the day after Thanksgiving, and we have a lot in common. We got to talking and we decided to be a couple..I don't know what happened..I fucked it up bad, and if I could go back in time, I'd change it.. I'm an IDIOT!!
His dad and my uncle got in a fight a long long time ago, when my dad was just a little kid. When my dad found out that my guy was that man's son, he got scared and said that he was afraid that he might be like his dad...I don't know what his dad is like really, but when I met him, he was really nice to me! Anyway, so, I opened my huge mouth (my guy told me to be honest, and we were talking about that shit that happened..soo.. yeah). That was about 3 weeks ago. I've been totally messed up over it ever since then. I keep trying to see the bright side of it, and hope that he changes his mind..but come on.. 3 weeks isn't good! I'm going insane, because he won't communicate with me. I don't know whether I should go and see him and try talking to him about it, or if I should leave him alone.. I can't just leave it, I know that.. haha..I put WAY too much heart and love into this relationship (yes, I know it was a very short time..but hey! that's the way I am!). I don't know how he could just do that and not go nuts..I mean ESPECIALLY if he was as nuts about me as he said he was. How do you go from wanting to grow old with a person to cutting them off completely? Even if he got mad at my dad for judging him. He said he wasn't mad at me..but it feels like it, you know? I can't stand it. :( This really is not good. I just want to crawl into a dark, black hole and die. It's not fair either.. I know I'm going on and on, and you can stop reading this if you'd like.. I wish somebody out there would give me some advice!! Should I get my ass over there and talk to him, or should I walk away, and try to get over it?!
My family doesn't know I'm so sad about it. I don't like to express sad feeling with them, because that's just the way I am. I keep telling them "No, I'm okay" when really, I'm not. I thought I felt bad before I met my guy, but it's worse now than before I met him. My self-esteem blew up when I met him, and now it's worse than what it was before I even met him.. I don't want to do anything but take drives or walks. The problem with driving is that I won't concentrate as hard as I should be when I'm sad or mad, and walking..eh.. at least that doesn't impose any problems. In fact, I will probably do that tomorrow, if I can. ALONE, I don't even want my sister to accompany me like I usually do. This really sucks..:(

http://firebug86.livejournal.com/707.html

Hey there! This is my first entry on this. I have heard about this from other people that have used it, and loved it..and after much debate (heh..took a few months), have decided, why not? It'd be neat to see what other people thought about my way of thinking. I still think it's weird that people I never met before, will know things that my family didn't know, or that I think this way. Ha. We will see how it turns out, huh?
OK, to get the snowball rollin'!! Might as well vent, I'm not usually one that will vent my frustrations/problems to people, but on paper (or in this lovely case, on the internet), it's a different ballgame... This is my 8th day of either working or going to classes (trust me, both are very tiring!) without a day off!! I have 4 more days of class (to enlighten you, it's 8 hours of class time, and I'm not sitting very much during this class- lots of hands on stuff!), and the fact that I have an on-call position at work, who knows when they will throw me in. I love it all, but I go to bed totally exhausted. I'm afraid that I'm turning into a morning person because I now wake up very early in the morning for work/class. It's become a routine though, and recently, I will wake up 1-2 hours before I should be waking up. That sucks, huh?
Enough of the manual labor stuff..Just thinking about it exhausts me! Emotions..Ahh, don't we love them? Lately, I have been feeling a lot of different ones. Anger, love, happiness, sadness, anger, happiness...Yeah, you get the idea, huh? It's been especially weird since my mom died. I cry way more than I used to, and sometimes over simple things. I can say one thing: my Mom's death has made me emotionally weaker. It used to be that if a pet died, I would just be "oh well..", but now, I'd bawl over it. I hate it when I get angry, because everything aggravates me so bad, and I don't want to look like a nagging crab. It's mostly around my immediate family (dad, brother, sister). I feel SO bad for my sister when I am in this particular mood! And yet, I can't control myself. Happiness seems kind of rare these days. As long as I'm kept busy, I am usually happy. Love makes me happy, but even that can hurt sometimes. It makes me remember why I don't want to get into relationships with guys. I think I just get too attached to them, even only after a short while, and then if they decide it's not right, it "depresses" me. So, unless you are willing to really give it a try, don't bother with me. I can't afford to be hurt, ya know? Not now..But hey, it happens anyway, and I got to live through it somehow.
I think I will end this entry right here...And I will try and get more ramblings in later..probably tomorrow!!

https://firebug86.livejournal.com/424.html

Hey there! This is my first entry on this. I have heard about this from other people that have used it, and loved it..and after much debate (heh..took a few months), have decided, why not? It'd be neat to see what other people thought about my way of thinking. I still think it's weird that people I never met before, will know things that my family didn't know, or that I think this way. Ha. We will see how it turns out, huh?
OK, to get the snowball rollin'!! Might as well vent, I'm not usually one that will vent my frustrations/problems to people, but on paper (or in this lovely case, on the internet), it's a different ballgame... This is my 8th day of either working or going to classes (trust me, both are very tiring!) without a day off!! I have 4 more days of class (to enlighten you, it's 8 hours of class time, and I'm not sitting very much during this class- lots of hands on stuff!), and the fact that I have an on-call position at work, who knows when they will throw me in. I love it all, but I go to bed totally exhausted. I'm afraid that I'm turning into a morning person because I now wake up very early in the morning for work/class. It's become a routine though, and recently, I will wake up 1-2 hours before I should be waking up. That sucks, huh?
Enough of the manual labor stuff..Just thinking about it exhausts me! Emotions..Ahh, don't we love them? Lately, I have been feeling a lot of different ones. Anger, love, happiness, sadness, anger, happiness...Yeah, you get the idea, huh? It's been especially weird since my mom died. I cry way more than I used to, and sometimes over simple things. I can say one thing: my Mom's death has made me emotionally weaker. It used to be that if a pet died, I would just be "oh well..", but now, I'd bawl over it. I hate it when I get angry, because everything aggravates me so bad, and I don't want to look like a nagging crab. It's mostly around my immediate family (dad, brother, sister). I feel SO bad for my sister when I am in this particular mood! And yet, I can't control myself. Happiness seems kind of rare these days. As long as I'm kept busy, I am usually happy. Love makes me happy, but even that can hurt sometimes. It makes me remember why I don't want to get into relationships with guys. I think I just get too attached to them, even only after a short while, and then if they decide it's not right, it "depresses" me. So, unless you are willing to really give it a try, don't bother with me. I can't afford to be hurt, ya know? Not now..But hey, it happens anyway, and I got to live through it somehow.
I think I will end this entry right here...And I will try and get more ramblings in later..probably tomorrow!!

http://firebug86.livejournal.com/424.html