I feel like I'm going back to the place I don't want to return to. I realized the more you dream, the harder you fall. & now I'll be honest, I find myself at a place where I don't see myself being stable, nor secure, or confident. Even though I had the support of people close to me, had plans, & now I'm not even sure if they will be turned into reality not just a stupid thing I thought of, but failed to accomplish. I'm tired of that happening, I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want at least one thing in my life to take place, I want Baruch, & I will get it. I'm not a stupid girl, I know I can do this if I just try harder. I just feel like I let everyone down...this lady who's like a family friend first time she saw me she went straight to her friend who's a well known guitar teacher from Tver'. She's like you gotta see this girl, long hair, long fingers she's made for it, she fits perfectly. He agreed said it'll take two months. Then me & her thought about it & decided that would be a good & original idea for Fabrika. Besides, not forgetting the fact that I could've asked him to write the music for my lyrics, & recorded it in Tver' which is MUCH cheaper than doing the same thing in Moscow. That was basically done. It was planned for this summer but didn't work out, so we moved it a little farther away. Then as I was setting my goals for MGU, she told me she had an acquaintance there that could help me with half of the stuff I need help on...& you know all of that I just fckd it up for myself. Everything I ever truly wanted. & @ this point I honestly feel like giving up, but then I realize I can't let myself further self-destruct.
The only people who know about my ''new found problem'' are Asya & Igor, because I know with them it won't get around all of Brooklyn.
(P.S. If I'm wrong, I won't deny it.)
I just realized that the reason why nothing is happening for me is not because ''I'm not skinny enough'', not because of ''karma''. But just the simple fact that I don't try hard enough. My parents aren't rich, poetomu ojidat' 4to na menya 4to-to s nebo svalitsa vsyu jizn' nel'zya. I don't recognize myself sometimes, when I got drunk the night before the photoshoot this summer, voobshe kak ya mogla eto sdelat'? Plus I let down EVERYONE cuz it was an ACTUAL photoshoot. Then, guitar, okay she told me about the nails fine, they were gone like the next day. She's like don't expect it to be easy though, she was like I remember it hurt like a bitch I still practiced. (Well okay that I can give myself credit for cuz I still decided to go through w. it.) But in general I understand that I need to put my motivation & ambition towards ACTUALLY doing something, & starting SOMEWHERE.
My family, I don't even want to go there. it's hard to talk about no ya sama eto perejivu, I don't want nor need random people from the internet reading it.
my health is a whole different story, I've talked to my grandmother about it this summer. & I know she's right I need to go get my heart check out, & the thing with constant headaches...I'm just honestly afraid, cuz I remember I had mad problems with it in the past, that just drove me to tears, it just scares me that I don't know what's wrong w. me. i kak ne zlo that day everyone, one by one decides to come over to ask me to go chill. I'm like tell them I'm not here because I am not one of those people who enjoys people feeling bad for her. I didn't want anyone to know about this, it took me an hr to get myself together, put a smile on my face & walk out. Of course before hand I took like an hr long walk by myself, I felt it was necessary.
Right now I feel stress, & nothing but. & even though I know everything will pass, & I'll look back & smile, right now it's just hard. I came home & Igor calls me, then Vanya calls me, I just turned off my phone crawled into bed with my bear & fell asleep @ least for half an hr to get away from my (unfortunately) reality.

I know I might be fckd up in the head, with a fckd up life but I know one thing. I'm real, more real than ANY OF YOU. Nobody can tell me otherwise because no matter what music I listen to, or what color my hair is, or even what clothes I choose to wear...ya ne vistavlayu ni4ego na pokaz, kak mnogie iz vas uspeshno delaut.